Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Oh no that’s upsetting! It’s so hard to know. My daughter who has asd definately benefits from a relationship with her father but I just can’t decide if my other daughter is being damaged or if it’s a good relationship. I’m so sorry eightfacesofthemoon. I hope you had lots of good relationships as a child too? Enough to counteract your dads behsviour.

slane If you check out the link I posted it does suggest that ASD parents may find it easier to have a relationship with an ASD child, perhaps because they understand each other more.

I'm getting a bit caught up in whether I might have aspergers now! I don't think I do but some of it rings true...

Thanks misty9 I’ll check out that link! I do doubt my own relationship with my asd dd, I do not respond well to her rejection of affection. Especially when she was a baby and toddler and I didn’t understand. I still find it hard. I have spent all day with her out and about and I’m exhausted from the totally constant commands I have to give. Do not walk into the chair, we are going THIS way, don’t walk on top of that little girl, there’s a queue, stop picking your nose, please don’t scratch your groin, stop dancing, don’t knock your drink, don’t step in your spilled drink, etc etc etc until I can’t cope anymore.

My dad has Aspergers and my Mum has Bipolar very difficult childhood to say the least. I’ve realised they were not to blame for their illness but I felt so bloody resentful as a teenager.

I posted on page one or two about my experience with my autistic dad. In part I regret it because this thread talks about autism in a way I often dislike. Autism is a different neurology and people with autism don't choose to be the way they are. There are uses of words like "supposedly can't help it" and talking about autistic empathy in a way that actually autistic people don't agree with. There are plenty of autistic people who can and do explain about their experience of autism and maybe that would be a good place to start rather then perpetuating myths like "no empathy". Anyway...

I have an autistic dad, an autistic sister and an autistic son. I am NT.

My dad is the only dad I ever had. He is not a bad man. As I explained before. It isn't "awful" having him as a dad; he was affectionate to us as small children though he does struggle to search for and find common ground now we are independent adults. When he sees his grandkids he is kind and affectionate.

He doesn't call on my birthday. He never calls at all, just like the poster above. This doesn't upset me, because he is who he is. I might as well expect a wheelchair bound person to run over and hug me. What is the point in wishing he was like other people's dad's? He isn't, he never will be. But he doesn't shout at us, ever. He isn't mean. If you email him, he emails back quickly but he would never think to email first. If my dad was blind, would I be angry at him that he couldn't see? Why then would I be angry that my autistic dad is socially different? I don't understand that anger and disappointment. The closest I get to it us a feeling of wistfulness. As sort of "what if he was like other dads".

There are other things. He is loyal. He is more interested in us than in any other human company. He is brilliant in his field of science.

My son is his clone. I think he intends to stay single. From the maternal perspective, my heart bleeds at the thought that he would be a source of such misery and frustration without ever really understanding why or how to put it right. He doesn't choose to be the way he is. And yet he is also kind and never deliberately hurtful. It's such a shame.

I’m glad this thread is here though. I know people can’t help having autism, of course they can’t. But it’s also like their spouses are gagged, we are not allowed to speak about our loneliness or our experiences in case we come across as being hurtful. I think many people who married those with asd might tend to be more caring and empathetic than most. But it doesn’t mean they have to be happy in often affectionless or even loveless marriages. And we occasionally need to be able to speak about it, not as caters, but as individuals with our own needs.

slane I understand that. I have a different perspective as a mother which I understand is outside the scope of this thread, but I joined it as a daughter and reposted with a different view to the daughter above, when asked what it's like having an autistic parent. My answer is, in my experience it is different, not terrible.
I don't intend to invalidate spousal feelings but I don't understand why people speculate about things like no empathy when there are autistic voices and plenty of research explaining that autistic people have affective empathy but may be unsure, overwhelmed or uncomfortable about how to satisfactorily demonstrate it.

I agree Oldbirdy, you have described the endearing side to my husband, which is why I feel so torn and have despaired over our future together for so long now. The lack of empathy, intimacy and the years of what I thought was stone walling whenever I tried to discuss anything about our relationship. He has only recently learned of his Aspergers, since then so much has seemed to make sense. My 6 yo son is somewhere on the ASD spectrum too so I am very worried about change/splitting up. DH said tonight he will never change and seems quite accepting of the idea of splitting, he did say "day to day family life grinds him down" a few weeks ago so perhaps he is looking forward to some time by himself

I suppose the father of my children would say he’s very empathetic but would act with utter coldness towards me. So my experience of his behaviour would be different. He would show no empathy to me. It’s of no consequence to me if he’s crying over his brothers dog getting hit by a car. So yes, he has empathy. But does he display any empathy for me? No. Does he feel it? It’s a bit irrelevant to me really.
I love my dd with all my heart too. She had tonnes of empathy for all kinds of people or things. She cries for all the bad things in the world. But does she show any empathy for the child she has just accidentally smacked in the head? Not a bit.

But I can have kindness and understanding for people with asd. But it’s not what I need in a partner. A marriage is different from other relationships, it’s supposed to be equals who emotionally support each other. And people are allowed to want that.

Slane I was about to post something similar, my husband really does not show empathy towards anything or anyone, it's bewildering at times, and emotionally damaging.

@oldbirdy
I wasn’t trying to say all parents with aspergers are awful people, but I do think my father and mother and general life combined didn’t help. If I emailed my father, he would email me straight back too.
But I can’t count the amount of times I’ve needed him, and he’s just not been there for me.

I know it’s not his fault, like it know it’s not my mothers fault with all the things she’s done.
But it still has deeply affected who I am as a person. I guess if you’re lucky enough to have one loving parent, then you might be ok. Otherwise you’re fucked

eight
Yes my mum was great - stable, nurturing, Loving. I know some of my sisters feel less warmly towards my dad too. I'm not saying you are wrong to feel as you do, but for parents worrying about their children I just wanted to say, it is possible to accept that your dad is extraordinary, not ordinary...and whilst that confers some awe, I suppose, in my case for his passion and drive in his work, there are other ways in which he won't ever be the kind of dad you see on films who travels across a frozen wilderness against the odds so as to see his little girl sing in her play. I doubt my dad even asked if there was a play...

I suppose the father of my children would say he’s very empathetic but would act with utter coldness towards me. So my experience of his behaviour would be different. He would show no empathy to me. It’s of no consequence to me if he’s crying over his brothers dog getting hit by a car. So yes, he has empathy. But does he display any empathy for me? No. Does he feel it? It’s a bit irrelevant to me really.

I think this sums it up for me really. Dh can say he feels empathy, can say he loves me, can say he cares but he doesn't display it. I have used the phrase 'cold' often to describe him. He can say all these things but unless I feel them it really doesn't mean anything to me.

I think this thread is very important, I am on a facebook group for spouses of those with aspergers too and we would probably come across as horrid to someone who isn't in the position of spouse to someone with aspegers but it is so important to have a place to connect to people who really understand. And I don't think that you can really understand the toll that years of being in a relationship with someone with aspergers can have on a person unless you have lived it. I am sure there are many AS/NT relationships that are happy and fine but there are many of us suffering and afraid to speak to anyone about it in case they hurt someones feelings.

I've been away and missed so many great posts! Just catching up...

I haven't quite finished catching up, but can sit on my thumbs no longer!

Why did I marry him? I thought he was inexperienced, would learn how to be intimate with experience, and that we would have years to work it out. He was sweet, smart, honest and caring- in fact I was worried he would be a doormat, which slowed down our commitment a bit.

Was he deliberately deceptive? No way. He thought he was doing it right. Almost like a project- find girl you like, tell her, buy her presents, make her mix tapes. Get physical. Get married if she looks like she might move on. Go to work, pay bills, have sex on a regular basis. Children.
Tick.

Can he be a good father?
Yes- we are all limited in all our endeavours and relationships. My children know what his strengths are, and what mine are. They go to him for practical advice, finance advice, organisational stuff. To me for emotional, soft skills stuff.

How do I cope? Lots of strategies.

If I need to talk to him about something deep and meaningful, that he must pay attention to, then I tell him. "We need to talk. I need you to listen. I need you to answer" I don't try and do it in one go- it will take several.

If I wanted a take away, I couldn't suggest it the same night. I had to lead into it over a couple of weeks. He'd agree if he had plenty of notice and time to get used to the idea. After about 10 years, it got to the point where we could have a takeaway the same day I suggested it!

Do things without discussing it. He does stuff unilaterally. Instead of getting cross, I do stuff too. So I'll move the furniture without talking to him about it, then explain why later. I'll offer to put it back after we've tried it for a few days.

I point out that things can change- we can redecorate a room, but do it again if we don't like it. He finds it helpful to know that it isn't a 'forever decision'.

Point out- kindly- that he is being rigid. "I know you like Wetherspoons but it's my birthday and I like other places too. As it is my birthday, I am going to choose where we go, because I want to go somewhere different".

pickleme Why did I marry her? She had recently separated from DH2 (yeah I know) and her father had recently died; so I thought the emotional intimacy would come in time. I was truly looking forward to spending the rest of my life getting to know DW in a deep, intimate and transparent way. 20 years later the loneliness is almost unbearable.

Yeah it’s the loneliness. I think that’s what destroys the soul.

My DH comes home every day from work and all he wants to do is eat dinner, have a bath and go and read or go to sleep. Apparently I just have no idea how hard his job is, I couldn’t possibly understand, nobody understands, he’s exhausted.

The thing is, I’m sure that’s all true for him it’s just not really any fun.

I'm not sure if it's a PDA/female-ASC thing but one of the reasons I never really suspected ASC is the constant emotional rollercoaster. Every aspect of life has this thinly veiled emotional undercurrent, I'm sure it's closely related to the anxiety from not quite getting the world around her. But it's just do relentless. I can deal with the meltdowns but the drip drip drip is just miserable.

It's interesting that there are so many similarities among our ND partners, despite them being very much individuals.

Also, the success of the partnership definitely rests with both members- I'm sure DH finds me just as bewildering. He tolerates a lot from me, it isn't just one way. Our ND partners are tolerating our foibles (which to us seem mainstream) just as much as the other way around.

I typed a really long post but lost it. Obviously it was very insightful and wise!!

It helps me to remember that DH was brought up without a good enough support network. His dad is undoubtedly on the spectrum, and his mum is bipolar. No one noticed the children had some difficulties.

Acceptance of him as he is was so important. It was that which helped me to find better strategies for managing things. It's a bit like keeping things in the same place to support a visually impaired person. Once you recognise the difficulties, it's much easier to work around them.

I can't really direct my upset or anger at him- it's completely counter productive, drives him away because he can't process what's wrong. I have to dispassionately let him know that x situation isn't working, and we need to do it differently.

@picklemepopcorn
But sadly I disagree with your analogy.
If a non sighted person had no empathy for a sighted person at all, couldn’t work with them, made them feel awful about themselves, what would we think?
We wouldn’t do it to a non sighted person, why should they be able to do it to a sighted person.

You could use a hundred analogies, but all I can see on this thread, in the main, is people burnt out from trying

@eightfacesofthemoon obviously I don't know the details of your upbringing, it sounds as if it was very difficult. And of course I'm no expert, by any stretch of the imagination, in relation to ASD. I'm just one person, with experience of a relationship with someone who may have HFA.

However my understanding of your posts is that ASD people purposefully choose to pursue relationships in a way that is deceitful and malicious, particularly if they are unable to show/have empathy. I can't agree with that.

If I told you that I and lots of other people could taste the colour red, it wouldn't make it any more possible for you to do so, or for you to imagine what it would be like, even if you understood that others could. It shouldn't stop you from wanting a relationship with a person who could?

I apologise as this is over-simplifying things but that's how I assume the concept of empathy is for someone with ASD who struggles with it. It's sort of non-sensical and unimaginable but it doesn't mean they don't want to (and aren't allowed to) pursue a 'normal' life