Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

There were a LOT of arguments from this

This seems common for ASD as previous NT relationships there would have been some acceptance thar there were multiple ways and partners might be interested in why things done differentely.With ASD its black & white, right or wrong.
Ex would get super stressed/aggressive if he had to change a pattern so to avoid stress he had to have it his way, always.

With ASD its black & white, right or wrong this, absolutely.

My OH cannot grasp that things can be done lots of different ways, if the end result is the same then the method doesn't matter. Everything has to be exactly the same - when we wake up in the morning he has to jump out of bed to take the dog for a walk, because the dog is 'bursting'. He says this every time. Even when the dog has just been let out into the garden and done everything necessary out there.

Because it's the 'rules'. When you have a dog you take it for a walk first thing in the morning - dog owning 101. My own dogs live by a far more chaotic rule and seem quite happy...

I'm just wondering if fil could be hfa.

No emotional intelligence at all. He told me 5 days after giving birth, when I said I felt rough, getting used to the baby that he knew plenty of people who had babies and got on with it.

In 15 years I don't feel I have moved on I'm the relationship any further, ie all conversations about practical things, house cars, schools, money.
I have often felt talking to him there is nothing there behind.. He is like a robot with a goal. Marching on to reach that goal.

Incredible sense of arrogance, lack of awareness of others although he will top up the wine.

Things have to be just so in his house literally a hand bag in the wrong place will be frowned upon and moved. He picks up crumbs, and questions how they got there...
Always asks who will be at our house if they come round, has set routine, massively fond of rules. Etc. Does this sound like he might?
He has zero relations with his son.
Dh is possibly aspergers he definalty does the walking ahead thing but is very loving affectionate, amazing in bed..
But not very chatty, not proactive, minmises illness, I feel emotional burden on me to sort everything out all the time.
It's hard to see wood for tree because fil is so dogmatic and over bearing and his life is about competition and being the best.. So I also wonder how many issues are simply from growing up in emotionally void family

Fil with money, has been incredibly tight. When I was pregnant with first dc in heat wave I was terribly thirsty in pub, I offered to buy drinks, he insisted, and I asked for two drinks, two bottles of fizzy water... He got me one and made a point of giving me one.
Now I would say, no fil I'm thirsty I need two drinks, I offered to buy them myself why have you got one, did you forget? And go and get another one.

I was naive and just smiled.

This is a very interesting thread.
I have known (and been the on / off partner of) a man for 30 years.
He is a Mathematician and uses intellect instead of empathy. Highly gifted intellectually (on international M panels etc). Not dx.
I was married (for 20 years) to a man who is also not dx but clearly ASD. A bus driver. Dyslexic. Not gifted intellectually. But rigid, rules etc.

Very different people. But very hard to be in an intimate emotional relationship with either of them.

I think both men grew up in emotionally sterile environments.
BUT my DS is about to be dx with ASD and his growing up has been loving and we talk about emotions (though his Father struggles to relate to him at all...)

I was reading on one of the sites linked to here, that ASD men tend to be 'stuck' somewhere around the age of 10. I always tell mine that he's secretly six! His sense of humour is that of a child (although he can be very funny, it's rarely witty, more woopee cushion humour), his palate is that of a child (very very plain food, very firm likes and dislikes and won't try anything new) and his view of the world tends to be very simplistic (all men in white vans are gypsies and going to steal things, anyone who wears tracksuits is a chav, women who smoke are common as muck - these are all his firmly held and very vocal beliefs).

So, my question. I challenge these things Every. Single. Time. He has no concrete reason for believing them. Is he ever likely to change his mind or is it part of The Rules that are set in stone for him?

@Slanetylor sorry for the delayed response ... I was much happier immediately, now have a 6-month relationship of sorts, it's low-key but I'm still very wary. Have avoided doing any 'wife' things such as cooking or volunteering/asking for assistance with domestic activities.

Having lurked for a while I've joined up just to post on this thread, I've been looking for this for years!
If it's any reassurance I'm married to beautiful undiagnosed and in denial PDA/ASC wife with DS1 ASC and DS2 NT. Having read and reread the posts I can't believe the similarities and to be honest quite bonkers "logic". It's very reassuring having spent the 20 years thinking it was me going mad.
Catch up soon!

Can I ask this of people. And I don’t think any to offend anyone. But I have a friend who has just ended a 15 year marriage with someone who has been diagnosed with Aspergers.
Something I didn’t want to ask her, but how do you end up marrying someone like that? Who can’t be the way you thought they were?

How can empathy and understanding have been “faked” and if it is faked then surely there is a conscious ability to fake it. So therefore it’s imo very cruel to almost pretend you’re not who you are...but for what end? A family? A house? A social construct?

To the woman who both her and her dh both have aspergers, then that sounds like two people who can empathise with each other’s needs and cohabit very well. They know each other’s boundaries and wants. So why would anyone who had aspergers want to almost trap someone into being with them under false pretences, why would they want to be with someone who will end up resenting them or just putting up with them?

Another poster had a dh who knows he has autism but works with it well, and understands the positives and negatives.

Why would anyone want to fake it, when There is a high chance they could meet someone who is on their level and understands them.

Anyway. That is the side I fail to comprehend, or is it that some people (mainly men I fear) just think that their thoughts and behaviour trumps all else, so no introspection is needed.

So here goes a proper post:
We met and fell in love, got engaged, I knew I didn’t really know DaftMrs but she was charming, easy to get on with, great sex, sociable, caring, etc. etc. we never had any particularly deep conversations but I kind of thought still waters run deep and we have the rest of our lives to get to know each other.

I was DH3 – maybe that should have rung some bells?

Over the last twenty years I’ve felt like I’m looking into a goldfish bowl where the glass gets thicker the closer you get, and as PPs have pointed out the longer we’re together the harder it is to get through. We are no closer now than we were after three months.

There is another thread on here “what do you want from a relationship” – for me it is equality, companionship, emotional and sexual intimacy, honesty and compromise, but with ASC the inability to understand how another person might be feeling, or in the case of undiagnosed ASC to even care very much is crippling.

The rules. Bonkers bonkers rules.

Saying something once, even in a fit of peak, makes it so, FOR EVER. E.g. “I shouldn’t have to tell you I love you, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be with you.” Ten years later she still hasn’t told me she loves me since. I have hundreds of these. There is nothing I can do or say to budge these views.

The twisted and warped logic, I bought a new vacuum cleaner without consulting her, therefore she shouldn’t have to use it, it was four years before she did any vacuuming.

Food -ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Driving – ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Events – e.g. Christmas and birthdays – ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ASC DS1 has given me a deep insight so I realise that much of this is down to a deep deep difference in perception and the ability to communicate with of the world around them, and in DW the anxiety this generates manifests as incredible passive aggression and demand avoidance.

Things aren’t bad enough to split, but when the DSs have flown the nest I just don’t know.

Hmm that's a difficult one to answer @eightfaces. For me, our difficulties really hit when our son was born. By which point, we'd already been together for 9 years and married for two.

I could deal with certain behaviours more easily before as I'd had work / uni / college for social / emotional input and my health was better. We could spend time together and it was easier to coexist without the stresses that come with adding a small person.

To add, I'm not blaming my son. My husband is very critical and rule oriented with ds which makes me stressed which causes arguments and so on. I love my son infinitely.

@eightfacesofthemoon try not to think of it as faked, and I don't think there is a lack of empathy per se. ASC people have had to learn how to fit into a NT world so think of it more as mimicry for the sake of survival. It is definitely different between diagnosed and undiagnosed/denial though.

The difference is in the way that the processes information, how the person deals with that is very different between individuals, obviously down to envorinmoent and personality.

@Daftasabroom
Sorry faked is probably the wrong term.
But my friend feels like it was all faked, to facilitate a child, a work persona, a social persona. Here I am with my wife and family set up. I am not saying that’s the truth of it. But that is how she feels.

eightfaces - my OH had never had a relationship before he met me. We met OLD and exchanged a few messages. When we met he behaved pretty much as an NT man would, there were just a few indicators that he might not quite be NT, but as my XH was Aspergers too I didn't think too much of it.

XH wasn't typically Aspergers though, he was empathic and emotionally very intelligent. Because of that, I thought that most Aspergers men could do emotion, so I kind of ignored or brushed over little lapses that my OH had. However, after a couple of years it became obvious that his behaviour wasn't because he wasn't used to being in a relationship, as I'd previously put it down, he genuinely couldn't see anything wrong.

He now knows he's Aspergers, and has done some reading up, which helps. As does his acknowledgement that it really isn't me, it's him.

But yes, if I'd known I wouldn't have gone into a relationship with him. The lack of any emotional connection, the robotic sex, fixations, irrational dislikes...well.

But that's what society expects of all of us. For anyone who struggles to fit in surely picking up in the basics is a great starting point?

Recognise a lot of FIL in these threads. He has a very narrow, rigid, routine driven life. He has to go food shopping every day to the same shop, do his same exercise routine every day.
Always just thought he was eccentric, but a couple of odd things stand out. When I was pregnant with DC2 and I spent the day with him and DC1 he didn't think to do any food for her or me, because he only eats one meal a day at 6pm and obviously couldn't get that a toddler needs to eat regularly. I had to go to shops to get us some snacks. Even then I think he was disapproving that we would eat more than a meal a day, than embarrassed or understanding of the situation.
Another time we were in a car park with the two young children asleep in the back seat cars seats. It was freezing outside, minus degrees and he opened the window to get the ticket for the car park then left it open as he drove in and parked the car. I had to lean over to the front seat to operate the electric windows to put the windows up and he looked at me so confused as to what I might be doing.
I think MIL has to do and always has done most of the emotional labour in the family, in fact I think she has been the one who has kept it all (their) family together. He is a very sweet man, gentle, even, predictable. However I know they have had a difficult marriage and this thread has been so helpful in understanding why that might be.

@eightfaces

My husband wanted children and so did I. I had seen him with my little sister (who was 14 months when they first met. 10 when my son was born). Obviously in the short term, he was able to play with her but didn't have the added pressure / responsibility of being a father. Now he has his own child, it's like he needs to enforce the rules so emphatically, it can come across negative and cruel because this is how children SHOULD behave. He expects that our 3 year old should know better or have the knowledge or experience of an adult. He just can't appreciate that everyone makes mistakes...

@workinprogressmum
Interesting
Does he not think he made mistakes (as you put it) as a child. Does he think he was some perfect child that did everything his parents wanted? Does he have memory of being a child? Because I think a lot of empathy is from shared experiences, young or older.

What makes someone with aspergers decide that there way is absolutely right.
Because from this thread and my own life and my friends life I think neurotypical people tend to try and bend and understand those around them that they love, often to their own detriment.

And when people say that aspergers (which, by the way I think is so common it may as well be considered “normal” for a better term) can not possibly bend themselves into understanding others. Is that just pure unadulterated selfishness.

I find it hard to work out with my father, if I should just forgive him everything because of an obvious diagnosis. Or should I expect the same level of decency that I would from another person, empathising is not easy for any of us, but we try in the main. Full stop. But we expect it if those who are supposed to love us.

Anyway!! Sorry for slightly derailing this thread. I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently what with 3 of the people in my family dealing with some form of asd. And it’s left me very lonely and bereft at times, I wish I had siblings and parents who showed they cared about me.

I've been reading this thread for a few days unsure if I was going to contribute. I find it hard to even think about the fact that my sh has aspergers sometimes because that means that he is never going to change. That my choices are either accept it and take on the emotional load and pretty much everything for our family or leave and do the same thing.
I would never have stayed with him if I knew it was going to be like this. In the beginning he was affectionate and lovely, now I desperately miss affection and that connection that it brings. I feel alone a lot. Things changed when we had our ds, he was diagnosed with depression and I thought it was that, I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. I was wrong.
I find myself asking the same questions as you @eightfacesofthemoon do I have to forgive everything because of his diagnosis? Is none of this really his fault? None of it has been easy for me but I have coped, even when coping led me to a diagnosis of anxiety I still cope because I have to. I don't get an opt out because one of us has to parent, one of us has to 'adult'.
Reading back I'm afraid I sound awful and like I lack empathy but I am just so worn out. I never voice it to him. It would be pointless. So I carry on. I know I won't be able to carry on forever though, so I am working on an exit plan so when I get to that point, the point where I can't carry on any more I can leave.
My dh is a good man, I know he is but he can't meet my needs and I can't pretend that my needs don't matter forever. I do worry about how he will cope without me though, I don't want to upset him or upend his life because I do love him. It's just all so very hard.

Aloethere, I could have written that myself. I feel so guilty too. But feel my life slipping away. I've already been with him for 15 years. Emotionally neglected to the point I have questioned what is so wrong with me, sought therapy, broken down and been prescribed anti depressants. Only recently due to my son's diagnosis, has my husbands Aspergers come to light. I just cannot believe I didn't consider it before. I thought his quirky, emotionless and black and white way of thinking was 'just him'. I know what I have to do. It hurts so much and I feel like I am going to destroy my 3 DC in breaking away but I can't ignore these alarm bells any longer. Thank you for this thread everyone, it has helped me work out my a lot.

*my feelings

Aloe, I don't know the answers but am listening to my gut which I have ignored for so long I have started to lose it. Good luck whatever you decide to do