Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I've barely posted here but have found the posts so helpful and eye opening

autistic yes, we choose to be with our partners, but, as you have no doubt read on here in previous posts, that for many of us that comes with a set of challenges above and beyond what many of us are / were expecting in a relationship.

I think your view of the generalizations are wrong - I haven't once seen anyone suggest that anyone with AS is incapable of looking after kids, in fact many many people have said their OH's are great parents.

Imo, you're doing the posters on this thread a disservice if you think that people don't understand the concept of the spectrum and that what applies to some people may not apply to others, just like in any other relationship.

And fwiw I don't think this thread should be shut down, as selfishly I've found it massively helpful.

I ended up on a detour to the thread, as DS has been flagged as possibly being on the spectrum. I did some reading, which crossed over into adults, and started reading on here.

It was a lightbulb moment for me about it can present in a relationship, and I think has identified finally some of the issues DH and I've been having which has been a lifesaver, and has also opened up the convo between him and I.

It doesn't mean I think any less of him, its actually made me start looking at stuff differently, helped find additional resources such as books etc, and made me start thinking about what is my baseline for what I want and don't want out of the relationship. Who knows what that brings, but better that than continually feel kicked in the teeth and wondering why your OH doesn't 'get it' emotionally

Thanks authedgehog

I want to say that I find the sweeping generalisation that people on this thread are making generalisations when they are speaking of and sharing their own personal difficulties absolutely outrageous.

How bloody dare you. How absolutely dare you.

Eh?

Why do you have copies of the deleted messages @hedgehog ? If you feel so strongly, why have repost them like this, they will also be out of context and it's someone else's views and responses you are dealing with.

Yes you don't agree and you don't think these views are right and you don't understand why someone would say or feel these things, but why not just leave this thread be?

earl
I am challenging the unfair generalisations as this is a public forum and if other people who may suspect the are autistic read this then

1. They may be discouraged from seeking diagnosis when they see the prejudice they may face and
2. They may think the are not actually autistic as they don’t relate to the traits that are listed, especially the ones where we’re supposed to fake things to trap partners.

The reasons I have the posts is that I was upset after I got such harsh feedback from my previous posts so I properly reviewed them to see if I had been unreasonable and whilst I could have worded my previous posts in a more diplomatic manner, I concluded that there were many unfair posts from some, not all, posters.

As I said before, I like facts, I don’t like to make unjustifiable statements.

hedgehog could you please explain something to me?
Being in the autistic spectrum is a disability.
We know that, as a disability, it impacts on people’s life. A lot.
It can affect the way they relate to people, read clues, understand or not what has been implied despite not been said.
People in the spectrum, even when they are totally able to keep very good jobs, are also known to have problems at work. Hence they are protected too (because they are disabled).

So knowing all that. That this disability is affecting them at work etc.., why in earth is it not affecting them at home too?
Why is it that the NT partner should find it all easy and shouldnt, heaven forbid, complain about how hard it is, how this is NOT what they expected etc?

The reality is that, the very things that is making things hard at work for people on the spectrum is ALSO making things hard at home too.

So yes I CHOOSE to be with my partner. But I can also CHOOSE NOT to be BECAUSE I’m finding that disability too hard to cope with. Because that disability and the effect it has on me is HURTING me.
And it’s not because you haven’t chosen to be disabled that as a partner I have to put up with it and just shut up.
And I say that as someone who IS disabled too.
Some allowances are normal. But there is always a limit to it.

Please remember that EVERY SINGLE POSTER on here has been living their autistic partner for years. We all have and still do make a hell of a lot of allowances. We’ve all tried again and again to make it work, to understand what’s working for them. We have TRIED and we also all have been HURT by behaviours that directly related to their disability.
Refusing to acknowledge of those behaviours, even if they are UNINTENTIONAL, are still bloody hurtful isn’t helpful.
It’s not helpful for us as the partners. It’s not helpful for you, the autistic partners because the only thing that can happen if this is not acknowledged is that said NT partners will leave. As so many on this thread are doing or thinking of doing.

Here we go again! This isn't prejudice, it's real people with real experience. This is not about "listing traits". It's not about facts as you see them.

I just don't see what you are trying to achieve in this thread. Apart from invalidating feelings of others and trying to censure them.

Exhausting. Like many of the real life situations posters on this thread face.

I won't be reading any of the posts you write anymore as it's far too draining.

My last post should have included hedgehog at the start

hedgehog
I’d you find it hard to read those posts, please be reassure that I a, find it hard to read YOUR posts too.

Because, as usual, every time that someone is posting about THEIR experience of living with someone with autism, every time that the reality of it is laid bare, then the only thing we can hear is how this can it possibly be linked with autism. That if I am saying that H is doing xxx and he is on the spectrum then it HAS TO MEAN that I think EVERY person on the spectrum is the same.
Except I dont. Because autism is a SPECTRUM.

What would have been much more helpful and would actually really help fighting stigma is to explain what YOU think would be helpful in those situations. What, as someone in the spectrum, you find hard to cope with, what makes things easier. What is helpful is to engage rather than down the conversation.
But please carry on trying to make things ‘right’ (black and white thinking maybe?)

You are not reading what I am writing.

I am not trying to say that those with autistic partners are making up their issues. Not at all. A lot of you sound like you are dealing with very difficult people. You should of course seek support.

But it is not acceptable for anyone to state, for example, that ASD people cannot care for their children. Which was written by more than one poster, but posts deleted thankfully.

My motives are not to deny anyone their feelings, but I will call out ableism. Just as I call out racism, sexism etc.

Hedgehog, I am bending over backwards because I suspect that you have no idea just how rude, dismissive and hurtful your posts are. So I am considering your disability as you put it (no, I am doing you exactly the same courtesy as I would any human being).

I am also deeply hoping that your posts stay on this thread and do not get deleted, because they are a perfect example of exactly the sort of attitude that many of us have to deal with on a daily basis from the ASD person in our lives.

But really how dare you come into a space that is clearly so badly needed by those in it, and make it all about you?

Actually hedgehog I remember a poster on here, years an shears ago, whose partner was on the spectrum (DIAGNOSED) and who had so little sense of danger or age related danger (aka it might not be dangerous for you as an adult but it is for a 4yo child) that they were putting their own dcs in danger. This was directly related to his disability (as per what the consultant had told them)
Does it mean he couldnt look after his own dcs? Well he certainly thought he could. Unsurpringly, she didn’t.

Bottom line, some people on the spectrum have little issue parenting their child and looking after them (as per a very good friend who is a very good mum). For others, their disability means that they either need a lot of teaching or not to be left to some activities with their dcs.

I had to TEACH my H that some activities were not appropriate for the dcs when they were little. He had no idea.

Hermione I would be very happy to chat and to try to help. But perhaps not in this thread?

I would say where you see ableism, I see people trying to make sense of their situation. People trying to make sense of their hurt.

If posters in this thread were ableist like someone was racist, they wouldnt be still with their partner.
I have yet to see someone who is racist living with a black partner. In the same, I doubt an ableist person, would stay with someone who is disabled......

Why not on this thread??

I didn’t think I’d be welcome to continue on this thread. But if people want me to I will.

DH is a lovely Dad, but I could never leave him with the children when they were poorly, because he doesn't like to make a fuss and would leave it too late to get help if they became unwell. He also struggled with how to relate to the children as they got older. He tended to spend all his time nagging them and telling them off. Luckily I was able to chat with him about it, and turn it into a joke. He's still inclined to do it but the children have learned how to handle it with humour.

Strengths and weaknesses.

A family member was diagnosed with Aspergers as an adult (nobody was very surprised). Shortly after his diagnosis, his wife left him. She was a nice person and I liked her a lot but she was vilified by his immediate family for leaving him. Unfortunately I never got to hear her side of it but I would be willing to bet she'd had a very hard time with him. I wondered if the diagnosis made her realise that this was it, and things would never be any different or better. It must have taken a lot of guts to leave.

I love this family member a lot but I know I would find it impossible to live with him. He is actually a great dad though, as it happens.

I've skimmed back through the thread, wondering whether I got deleted. The tone of some of the deleted posts was a bit harsh, I agree.

However, the idea of 'faking' to get a relationship- what is masking? Isn't it 'pretending in order to fit in'? DH acted like a boyfriend. He bought me romantic gifts (half price teddy bear in the post Valentine's Day sale, neither wanted, needed or liked). He gazed at me and held my hand, hung on my every word. Now he doesn't touch me, tends to treat me as though I'm invisible, and wouldn't dream of wasting money on random tat. He still loves me though. But no longer 'acts out' love.

For me, I didn’t know I was masking - I thought I was doing what everyone else did (please bear in mind I was diagnosed in the last year, aged 43).

I thought that everyone worked out consciously what the right way to behave was. I was genuinely shocked when I found out people generally don’t. So it absolutely wasn’t an attempt to fool people, it was an attempt to fit in.

But it didn’t work well and as a consequence I was bullied at school and have few friends. I know people in this thread think I’m being rude and horrible but I’m not. I really really hate being misunderstood.

So masking, for me and the few other people I know, is what we do as we think that’s what we need to do. And before I realised I was probably autistic, I thought everyone did it.

I hope that’s helpful. I definitely never consciously tried to trick people. Never ever.

I totally believe you. I don't think you are being horrible. It's the usual NT ASD different use of language situation.