Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

@wishiwas17again It is my counsellor not ours, so it is not couples counselling. He wants the list to include everything I want and not change it afterwards (he hates it when I change plans - he wants a plan to remain the plan, and gets very annoyed if it changes). He also wants us to keep minutes of those hourly meetings. Feels very business like, cold and clinical :(

waitrun I totally get about everything being taken as a criticism. My tactic at the moment is just to say and talk about as little as possible as the smallest things escalate.

@earlgreymarl Yes. The problem is he wants me to spell everything out for him clearly in words. But when I do that, he doesn't like it and takes it as criticism, and gets grumpy with me. So it is just a no win situation.

@waitrun it's just tiring though isn't it to have to do the thinking for 2 people. We have that too, spelling it out then he sulks or takes it the wrong way.

Maybe trial his suggestion out of interest. Don't like Grievance hour though, that's surely unhealthy.

It's the frustration that you can't have a natural flow of conversation and happenings that I find hard day to day.

Does he know he has aspergers wait? He needs to see from a third party, ideally a counsellor or a friend with his interests at heart (it’s not in his interest for his relationship to breakdown I would suppose) how ridiculous a finite emotional support checklist is, but I’ve never got my DH to access any help in 20 years as he fundamentally distrusts psychiatrists, doctors, ‘doesn’t believe’ that autism disgnoses help people so I know how hard that is.

I don’t know what leverage you have to get him to see anyone - my DH will never respond in the moment, I only have occasional success if I state my reservations with something and leave him to mull it over, could you try stating

1. it’s impossible to write a finite fully comprehensive emotional support checklist
2. it doesn’t sound as though you really are willing to see or understand the problem when you say ‘you won’t do more than that’

@wishiwas17again these suggestions are really helpful, thank you. I think I've given up on the relationship & want to call it a day. I have DC so it has implications on them too. I promised myself that after this list I'll give it one more try but I don't think it'll make a difference and I'm worried that the list will be used against him. DP can completely detach himself from me and can be very cold and calculated when I'm giving him nothing (Or he perceives I'm giving him nothing).

Yes that’s certainly what my DH and my dc are like, when you engage their fight response there is no consideration for who they are fighting with.

You’d have more luck airing grievances over email perhaps, when I can’t get the words out or he’s not listening I sometimes try that and he ignores the emails most times but eventually engages.

I can see why, at times I feel we’d be better off apart but when it’s a whole family issue it’s a tough call

It's very difficult to think through everything that is required, and also think about how to say it to them.

DH requires specific instruction and there will be times I need to correct him on something he is doing round the house. But if you say it in a direct way, he doesn't like how you are speaking to him. If you "soften" as you do in normal social conversation ie " can you / will you do X etc " instead of " please do x etc" he doesn't understand or needs further clarification.

We had this whole thing with DS where DH was correcting me to give instructions as an imperative command, rather than " can you / are you going to go and do your teeth now" which works fine and is much more how you say it in the flow of normal speech. He is 6 not 3. I had to explain that DS needed to ( and does) cope with that cos it's normal speech and that I shouldn't have to be the one who is corrected ( if say the DS didn't do what was asked). Because what started to happen, because of DH's intervention was that DS started to backchat ( he never does this usually) " well I can do my teeth . . . ( But you are not telling me to do it and correcting me cos he does understand). Aggghggg so annoying !! I was a SAHM for over 5 years, I know what works and how to deal with my own DS. Who is definitely not on the spectrum.

DS also doesn't understand tones of voice. So he will say i'm not being respectful etc.

I haven't found the right simpering / forced / specific / clear tone and voice yet!

Soz long post there!

Against me, not him*

Wait I have resorted to official meetings with my DH (we'reat sone point going to divorce so more cohabiting now). Not weekly though.

The format actually works well. I email an agenda and ask if he wants to add anything. This is to avoid "you never want to listen to me" type derailing things when the meeting gets started.

Then I chair the meeting, take notes and write minutes. I do this because in my country emails are legally admissible although not binding. It keeps record of what he agrees with one time and his subsequent protestations he never agreed to/discussed that. But the entire unemotional format works extremely well for getting him to engage. It also stops arguments.

It's a horrible way to conduct a relationship for me and not long term, but there may be part of what your DH is saying that could be useful.

It sounds too like he wants to (sort of) hear your grievances, but then wants you to find the solution for him and then he will be the one to decide if it's solved (ie he does suggestion X and you have to accept that in whatever form it takes). He doesn't want interaction.

The legal part there is because some of the discussions relate to finances and childcare.

Yes I agree that an absolute lack of spontaneity or surprise issues when discussing problems does help. I get the feeling that most meaningful discussions we’ve had, DH has had in his own head before he’s talked to me.

God, this all resonates (again..) we're at the weekly meeting point too. Less on an emotional level, but more to try and iron out what needs to be done for us / the family / work to try and avoid the car crash inevitable situations that comes from misunderstandings and "no" all the time. It's probably useful but its so bloody tiring

At the thin end of the wedge today over gym visits no less- dh is insistent he goes as its his wind down time (which I'm fine with as I'm pretty keen to go too) but insists at 5am during the week and morning on the weekend. This impacts as its so bloody early, and weekends it means I still have to do wake up / breakfast / potty nightmare with our toddler and after 5 days at home with him I'd like a break.

I've finally had a breakthrough on the weekends after 4 months of suggesting alternative plans but during the week is still a pita.

I created a rod for my own back as I'd like him home at some point in the day to see DS and its usually to do bedtime as he's out at gym before he wakes up - when I suggested he could go to the gym in the evening it was delivered with a triumphant "well, then you'd complain I couldn't do bedtime!" I then suggested if he could be there in the morning to see DS instead, he could go to the gym in the evening. Cue silence.

The total bloody inflexibility in plans or lack of seeing an alternative ALL THE BLOODY TIME is doing my head in. That and every 'discussion' we have is turned back round to me in a challenging / argumentative "well you tell me what you think we should do" and he takes everything as direct criticism

Sorry for the rant, am feeling very thin skinned today

ALL THE BLOODY TIME

This phrase, the caps, the tone, sums up this whole thread and life with an AS partner.

Hi all,
We're very glad that you are all supporting each other here through the various stresses and strains of the days with your partners, but we would ask that you stick to talking about them and try to refrain from generalisations about all people on the autistic spectrum as we are picking up some reports.
Thanks.

The total bloody inflexibility in plans or lack of seeing an alternative ALL THE BLOODY TIME is doing my head in.

This.

Hmm. I have not seen any generalisations, just individual women expressing and discussing their limited experience with their partners and sometimes other family members. If there appears to be common themes, that's not posters generalising, that's just what's coming out as similarity or recurring themes.

Please don't start shutting stuff down, or leaping too quick on reports, people here are very grateful just to finally have others to talk to about this, in what is a very isolating situation anyway.

Please don't invalidate this freedom of expression. No one is insulting anyone, just venting frustration, sharing common experience and looking for advice / help.

I agree with @earlgreymarl . I've scanned back through the comments and seen lots of techniques shared, and ways of thinking about it discussed.

Very few generalisations.

It would be wrong to generalise- we've seen how different our partners are, as well as how similar.

Not seen any generalisation at all, just partners talking about their lives.

Nope I haven’t seen any generalisation either.

But I do get that for parents of children on the spectrum or for people on the spectrum, it makes uneasy reading.

Fwiw HopeMumsnet this issue has been there every single time that NT partners have wanted to tak about how hard it is for them. It seems that this time, people are just reporting things rather than coming over and telling us off.
This has been going on for years and the result is that it has shut NT partners down because some posters on the spectrum felt that the issues we have can’t possibly be due to the autistic traits. That They are all twats (and maybe on the spectrum but probably not if they are not diagnosed). And that anyway it’s up to us to make an effort because it’s so hard to be on the spectrum.
I do hope that this will not happen again with this thread. Support for NT partners is sorely needed, just as much as people on the spectrum need support too.

Absolutely. It's so hard to find this support in real life as it is still very rare and not something people talk about like domestic abuse etc. Please don't shut this down as it is a very difficult situation and we need support.

Indeed Hermione. @HopeMumsnet, it's worth being aware that women (mainly) have been bullied and shut down on this subject- I have received kind direct messages directing me to more supportive places because I was getting such a lot of flack.

Ableism is wrong, yes, and sweeping condemnations of people with autism. That is not what is happening here. We're just sharing and reflecting on our experiences.

I speak as the mum to a son with autism, who has never had a romantic relationship and I often fear never will. I also worry about what DS2 has learned about marriage, from watching us.

I'm well aware of both sides of this coin.

I think a support thread for those in difficult relationships is vital, and I too hope that this thread is not shut down (not that I think MN were suggesting that)

But such support should not be at the cost of hurtful generalisations about people with Asperger's Syndrome - which there have been (you will note quite a lot of posts have been deleted, including ones in response to me where I did try to publicly say that I thought some of you were being unfair)

You may not see generalisations, but when I read comments that suggest all people with Asperger's Syndrome are not capable of looking after children, that we trick our partners into marrying us and that we are selfish, then I disagree. I'd say that's pretty clear generalisation.

Thankfully, these hateful and upsetting posts have been deleted now, and I really do hope you can continue to support each other. But please do not suggest that all people with Asperger's Syndrome are the same as your partners.

And finally - remember that you CHOOSE to be with your partners, we do not CHOOSE our disability. Yes you need support, but it is very, very different.