Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Confusion seems to be a common feeling in those of us who’ve had to deal with asd relatives/ partners.
That does seem an extremely selfish and thoughtless thing to do but also could be an asd thing. It’s hard to say from that one incident. But keep reading up on it and examining your relationship. You’ll know if everything fits.
Did your parents stay together?

That was in reply to @waitingforsleepagain

Common conservation I’ve had with my MIL

MIL: do you want tea?
Me: i’d Love a cup if you’re having one yourself!

MIL: I’m not.

Sits down, no tea.

Theres so many of us

Have only read the first page and then jumped to the end... My father has (undiagnosed) Aspergers and I recognise every single word in the article linked to in the OP.

iamsadness you put that so well, about dh's lack of response to difficulties growing up ( I also had this and at first it was refreshing not to have stuff acknowledged, it was like a clean slate / new life, but he has no empathy about it and to this day makes comments about how fortunate I apparently was compared to him) and also I totally understand about the lack connection / weirdness post baby.

I also had no photos, I had to prompt, no flowers, he came back to hospital really late the next day as he was tired and had had a few beers, so I was left by myself. When we got home, even though I had made meals and told him what to rehearse, he still forgot to make tea. He just had no awareness and just got weirder as time went on, until DS could smile and "give something back to him", which says it all really.

Like you and others have said, it's the lack of happy memories that are normal for other people.

@rainsim

now I can't be arsed with being so helpful and kind cos he needs to grow up

This exactly, but then it was all that being helpful and kind that oils the wheels, and if it's unreciprocated, they just fall off!!

@Rainsim about the second child, we have one DS and struggled with secondary infertility. We have given up now, although to be fair, he didn't put much effort in anyway, ha ha, but for years it made me so so sad as I wanted a sibling for my DS(6) and for me to have the experience of another baby . Anyway, after giving up, returning to work and in doing so, realising how nice it is to have normal interactions and reading all these posts, I have found peace with not having a second child because frankly, I am off the hook and have much more independence and time for my DS.

DH talked the talk when I was pregnant saying how it was his job to be there for me, when it came to it he was rubbish, things got much easier once he went back to work after a 6 week paternity / planned break.

We never had those times of all three of us together enjoying those early newborn days. It was just me and DS. DH was there but not present. I have only just reflected on this.

I also found similar to earl, my DH went into a big depression when I had dc2 and slept 12-13 hours a night and just wasn’t there at all. He’s a bit better now but I wouldn’t say he’s a massive help, he always helps with the older one if he does as he’s always struggling with shutting down. It really does depend how much you’re willing to do on your own, I’m still glad I’ve got dc2 although we have terrible sibling jealousy.

I'm on this thread early on and have changed names a few times since then so making a dedicated one for here!

My DH and I separated last year - 16 months ago. Plan was to get a smaller house for the kids with us each having a bedroom there and then we'd rotate in and out while they stayed put. Lots of discussions. Lots of choosing the right time, the right tone, the right words by me to engage him. Agreement reached amicably. Bought the smaller house...he refuses to get another place. We're abroad so nowhere I can go and as I've travelled around for his work and am currently studying, I have no job or prospects just now and can't do anything about it.

He's fine though. He's not bothered that he's dramatically changed our living circumstances (new home half the size of old to afford a second apartment) without so much as consulting me. In fact he only told me he wasn't going to get the second place was because I sat him down for a discussion, after sending him a proposed agenda asking if he had anything to discuss (no response), and then holding a businesslike meeting with NO EMOTIONS, and specifically asking him when he was going to do it. Apparently he's decided now isn't the right time.

But of course, I can't tell everybody about this, especially as it had been a relatively amicable separation (of sorts). So I've been MAJORLY stressed and upset and he's totally calm, looking very reasonable. This has been the pattern of our relationship dynamic and it makes me crazy.

I've now gone from being very accommodating of him getting his head around the future divorce (I agreed not to tell his family, who we went to stay with or came to stay with us a number of times over 14 months, then I cracked and forced him to tell them).

Also re diagnosis. If you don't have theory of mind, you're not going to see that other opinions may be right, because there's no possibility that another mental state than yours exists. So if someone comes and says "I think you need diagnosis for Aspergers" you're going to instantly dismiss it. In almost all the cases in this thread where someone with Aspergers either agrees or goes for diagnosis, it's because they've done an online test, or a family member was diagnosed and then they've accepted the concept i.e. there was some intermediary step(s). It wasn't from a partner's single suggestion.

A book I've not seen mentioned but which I found very good - it starts by clarifying that the non-Aspergers partner isn't NT. That made my DH more receptive to reading it. When he did (never engages with anything like that normally) he found it enlightening.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Marriage-Relationships-Aspergers-Syndrome-Spectrum/dp/1849059993/ref=mpssa112?ie=UTF8&qid=1533026539&sr=8-2&pi=ACSX2366SY340QL65&keywords=aspergers+and+relationships&dpPl=1&dpID=510gQa74-gL&ref=plSrch

Didn't finish that - The author says that talking about NT and Aspergers/HFA isn't helpful, especially as many "NT" people who go into these relationships have a history or trauma or abuse.

This was certainly true for me and explains why I didn't respond to the warning signs and then when I did notice them, I tried to understand him and help him understand and work around him and not upset him... My friends without trauma/abuse histories wouldn't have engaged in that type of behaviour.

I've started so I'll finish...

The book didn't save our marriage. It could have if we'd come across it earlier. It looks at things from both sides and gives advice to both parties.

My DH like the book in terms of explaining our relationship, but said he has no interest in learning how my brain works. So there's nowhere to go from there. Not that he actually understands that.

That's interesting Changer of name about the "NT" people going in tend to have own difficult history and about trying not to upset.

I am sorry it didn't help you in the long term though.

ried to understand him and help him understand and work around him and not upset him..

It definitely rang bells with me and gave a logical reason as to why some people would not accept certain behaviors while others would try to accommodate and facilitate.

Have any of you managed to make it work? If so, how?

As you all know I have thrown the towel in. No history of anything other than nice folk on my life, I have got a wonderful close family. Had a great life, career, friends, a couple of lovely ltrs behind me that I am still friends with 15-20 years on.

It was easy for Dh to be the person in the first article I linked to, he had just moved here from abroad with work, a perfectly good excuse for lack of friends.

My mum saw through him though, day one, thought it was my career, house, cash that had sealed the deal for him. I didn’t see that at all but I do think she was probably right.

I've NC'd.

DP and I are having serious problems. My counsellor thinks there is no emotional intimacy between us which I think is very true, and I feel that's because he is Aspie. I am ready to call it a day but DP has suggested we give it one more try. He has asked me to write a list of exactly what I expect from him, and it has to be substantive as he will not do more than that. He also asked to allocate one hour per week when I can as he put it present 'grievances i have with him'. Anything i say is taken as criticism and I feel unsure about giving this list as I feel it may be used against me in the future. Any advice folks?

@WaitRun , is that really the kind of relationship you want? Where you have to have everything written out and a 'complaints hour'? Even if he didn't use it against you, it sounds so prescriptive....

Sounds familiar thoughwait, I’d say that if you say the list can’t be exhaustive as it’s like a budget and will have to be added to as new things come up, it may bring you both some peace, doesn’t it depend how much effort he puts into it?

From the sounds of ‘he will not do more than that’ shouldn’t the counsellor be pushing him to see that this is a statement that either means he hasn’t really bought into it, or that he doesn’t understand it’s not a ‘once and done’ thing?

I can’t decide whether a complaints hour isn’t a brilliant idea as you have a weekly spot to discuss things, or would make me feel like a medieval underling grovelling before my Lord - I suspect the latter.