Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

It was the same Rain.
I was just too blind and unaware of what AS is to realise what it was about. Still very naive and thinking it would get better and it was me that didn’t do the right thing. (Eg I should have been able to cope ok on my own, I was isolated butbthat wasn’t my fault etc)
And wanted that second child so much too....

I have no regret of having two dcs.
Sometimes I regret not to have left when they were little.

This thread makes me so sad. I was exactly same, thinking it was all my fault. That I must be doing something wrong. I can't tell you the amount of tears I shed over it, wondering if I would ever be good enough for him. It is the same as you thousandpapercranes in that people outside the marriage think he great, such a friendly guy, so nice, so I thought their must be something wrong with me that such a great guy would treat me that way.

Since we found out that dh has Aspergers though things have been better for me in a way. I knew it wasn't my fault, that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Don't get me wrong I was gutted at first, knowing that this is it, he isn't going to change but just knowing that I'm not to blame for everything, that I am actually good enough was huge and marked a turning point for me. I have realised that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be, I am raising two children and dealing with a giant man child by myself with no support and I am doing just fine. Like I said earlier I am lining up my ducks, a few years ago that would have terrified me but not now. I know I will be just fine. I worry about how dh will be but me and the kids will rock it.

@RainSim we are in talks about child number 2 as well. I'm worried about getting PND again as I was expected to do everything for DS. Everyone said DH would get better as DS grew up and he is but it's on his terms entirely. Interested to hear what others say too.

Yes now that the dcs are teenagers and engage in a similar activity than him, it’s much much better.
I dint get to be involved though because I can’t do said activity.
And the activity takes the whole space at weekends so I dint get the opportunity to do things with my own dcs but hey ho. (Yes it is now a special interest of H but has to be done on his terms, with little interest in what the dcs want to do)

When they were little, H has taken them to do things that were way too much for them. Even last year, he took them to do something that I considered too dangerous.
I supposed at least, they’ve grown not being fearful....

@workinprogressmum I'm also very worried about PND too, both in pregnancy and post pregnancy. He is promising it will not be like the first time but I have much trust at all in his words but at the same time I really want another baby too, and really want to give my son another sibling. I feel so conflicted.

Fwiw, I had PND depression with my first dc but not the second.
I had AND with my second () but I actually dint think it was linked with him or the AS. It went a way just after the birth and was a godsend for me because it allowed me to realise how much the PND had affected me and my relationship with dc1. Which also means it allowed me to put it right iyswim.

I have found that stepping massively back is helping me. I don't live with my OH, so have huge amounts of respite, which helps me deal with him when I see him. And if I treat our relationship as 'bossy older sister/inattentive younger brother' it's not too bad. I'm also insisting on separate bedrooms too - if I can get a decent night's sleep, I can cope. Would still kill for a cuddle that doesn't end in hopeful groin thrusting though. Maybe I should add 'slightly excited dog' to the 'inattentive younger brother' description?

I was reflecting yesterday that relationships are like dancing. Maybe you long to Tango, or waft around in a waltz. With an aspie DH it's more like a disco, or even a silent disco where you arrive together but are all dancing to your own music. It's ok. Loads of people enjoy it and have a good time. But if you are still longing for a tango or a waltz...

I stopped at one child, I would have liked two, or even to adopt, but the thought of repeating the last 3 years of torture makes me what to weep. My child cried every evening and wouldn't sleep at night because he wouldn't lie flat (bad trapped wind/constipation) until he was crawling. DH did no night feeds, he wouldn't even boil the kettle for me in the morning, post c-section i had to sleep on sofa/or baby's room floor, DH saw nothing wrong with not wanting to share the bed because he didn't want to be disturbed. He refused to keep to any routine, food/sleep/anything, for a long time i thought i was just a really sh"" mother. I still seethed over the memories of doing dishes most nights past midnight whilst he slept soundly.

For those who have began to line up the ducks, where did you even start? How do I know if my happiness is worth more than financial security for my child and me? If i leave, i will likely never own a home. In my early 30s and still have no pension.

@sadness My husband had to step up and take over evening feeds as I became chronically ill. He is good at following routine and direct instruction so that is what would have to happen for us. I'd have to implement age / stage transitions e.g. going from cot to bed, nappy to potty, dummy to self settling / cuddles but once I'd decided the new routine, he'd follow my lead.

@hermione - that sounds like you did some healing. I literally have ten or less photos of my son under 6 months. Was a very difficult time. Sometimes feel like a second child would help to heal old wounds in a way.

@RainSim you sound at a similar stage of thought as I am. I swing between having another and not having another daily!

sadness I stayed in the marriage about three years longer than I probably should have, to get some money behind me. Probably more important than that though, was using that time to re-train into a professional occupation that has good demand, pays reasonably well, has good prospects and is not physically demanding. So I'm as confident as anyone can be about being able to remain in the workforce when older. I am early forties with no pension, and also have no house, I rent. I've downgraded my expectations about the sort of property that I'm ever likely to own - I'll be quite content in a small apartment in a good area, and no longer aspire to the supposed ideal of a big family home with garden. It took me a while to come to terms with not being able to have the aspirational middle class life, but now I'm quite excited about possibly jacking it all in and spending my old age travelling around the world in a caravan .

hermione the part about dangerous stuff really resonates - DH seems on one hand to be overly stifling / anxious about every day stuff thats not a risk (helicopter parenting around our climbing frame even tho DS is totally capable of getting up and down it) yet completely oblivious to toys / stuff / experiences that are too big / unsafe / DS won't be interested in (and when he's not, DH gets the hump)

Imaginative exploratory play is also way out of his realm - one memorable experience was DS in his play kitchen at the microwave and DH correcting him and taking out of his hands the baking trays etc as "they're metal, they dont belong in the microwave and will make it explode" When I did a I got "well he has to learn some time" (he was 18 months old)

Can I pop in and ask of any of you have tried to look online for male friendship (only friendship)? I'm ashamed to say I tried going online because I'm so lonely but the men there wanted affairs (this was from profiles of people who said they were interested). I now feel gullible, naïve and still lonely. I spoke to my dh and told him that I'm lonely, I want a partner who is interested in me, not what's for dinner, not what have I got planned (I'm the family organiser). And got nothing in return. No emotion, no upset. Just business as usual

I haven't @Wizzy but I have tried to find hobbies / women's groups near me for friendship and contact with other NT's. I currently go to yoga and a women's wellness group which help.

The mention of danger makes me laugh.

DP has been redoing our garden, and we now have low decking, and a pond. We don't have children ourselves but very good friends of mine have two toddlers, who I hope will be visiting soon.

DP has spent ages making sure they can't fall through the decking, even though it's barely a foot from the ground and, whilst I recognise it wouldn't be great for a young child to fall down there they are unlikely to come to any great harm. The pond, however, is another matter entirely, but DP seems to be ignoring it as a hazard. It's just very bizarre.

@Box I hope you’re towards the end. The Narc traits well and truly came out as soon as I petitioned. He refused to have any reasonable discussion. I was forced to do both CAO and finances through court, he of course has contested everything, racked up huge CC debts and legal bills. His conduct has been absolutely appalling, so much so my barrister said that in her 15 year career, he has been one of the worst respondents she has come across.

How do I know if my happiness is worth more than financial security for my child and me?

Your happiness IS worth more than financial security, speaking as someone who is living on benefits, 80k in legal debts, barely scraping by, i’ve had to pull dc out of prep school, because STBX wont pay - he can afford it btw. My happiness is worth so much more than living half a life and that ultimately benefits dc.

My therapist once asked me “what advice would you give to your daughter or a good friend if she were in a similar situation?” I knew my advice would be to start to plan your escape. It may not be next week or next month maybe in 12 months but you have to leave. In the end my plan to leave in 2 years failed, because I hadn’t taken into account the effect the marriage had on my health.

In hindsight, I shouldn’t have had dd2. She is so loved, I couldn’t imagine life without her, I don’t regret the decision I made. It was only after dd2 was it mentioned to me that STBX could be suffering from ADHD or ASD. Had I had an inkling prior, I doubt I would have had another. If you are confident in going through it alone and you’re financially secure with a stable career of your own then go for it, otherwise I wouldn’t.

Oh our dangers were much more dangerous than a pound.
Think going down a cliff vaguely holding an old rope that someone had put there some time ago (months, maybe a year ago, who knows....). With children around 8~9 yo.
It started with him not looking after dc1 well enough when dc1 was about 18 months old. Dc1 climbed a ladder and ended up on the roof of our conservatory
I seem to be forever giving him instructions about not going to xx place with the dcs (path with cliffs on bith sides, uneven enough that it feels like climbing in places), thinking about going back if it starts snowing (in the Highlands of Scotland) etc...

What looked like been in control and calm no matter what when I met him is basically having no sense of what could go wrong.

(Worse thing is dc2 is the same so I’m preparing things now teaching him that some stuff is just Not. A. Good. Idea. I’m talking about really dangerous outdoor activities so he doesn’t do anything too crazy as a young adult....)

Honestly, mental and physical health are worth more than apparent financial security. The latter can vanish anyway esp if the partner goes Pfff.

Or that’s what I’ve found. I wouldn’t wish the last month even on...let’s say Donald Trump..well perhaps... as otherwise I’d cry

Apologies if it's been discussed, but does anyone feel that their DH hates them, because that's sometimes how I feel and I get so confused as to why he spends time with me.

Hi everyone, another shit night, sparked by me not liking some drawers we had got for the bedroom, I was actually making a joke of it to lighten what I was saying. He started crying ( earlier that eve we had a conversation about money I did not want to spend, nothing heated). At first I said I can't take the sulking, but then he said he has not been feeling well recently, as in mentally so, and couldn't give a particular reason why.

I do feel awful for him, but I don't know what to do. It's like any disagreement or other opinion sends him into a mental spin and he gets very upset and struggles to handle basic interaction.

He was much better at the weekend, he was out with his work guys " getting some really good connections with them".

I don't know what to do or how to help him. But it's obviously serious, what can I do? If he is actually saying he doesn't feel well and keeps getting really upset by stuff.

I had to pop out to gym for a shower as we have no hot water, and had to go for a half sat outsude pub cos I don't want to go home.

It's exhausting. I want to help, I don't know what to do.

Not wanting to go home sounds miserable

PIVOT yes, my ex-DH once said to me, when I asked him why he did not seek help when I was self harming with PND after a traumatic birth, that he had "hated me during those years". I took that as indicative of the type of person he is, rather than any slight on myself. Also, my DD commented a few years ago that sometimes she thinks her father hates her. And she asked me just today whether I thought her father loves her. I asked her why she was asking, and she said because her counsellor had asked her that and she replied that she didn't know whether her father loves her or not. So yes, both myself and DD know that he has hated us in the past. Again, the fact that a man could feel hate towards a woman who is ill because she just gave birth to his child, and that his child also feels that hate, says a lot about the type of person he is, and I am pleased he made it so easy for me to find grounds for divorce.