Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

@mangomush Yes I'm a light sleeper so I definitely always wake up and he is actually surprisingly very attentive and ensures I reach orgasm. I think he finds it easier because he doesn't need to go through the process of talking to me and longer foreplay. I do get aroused very very quickly from my sleep, probably because my brain is asleep and my body reacts.

@RainSim as long as you’re ok with it?

@mangomush tbh I would prefer it when I was awake as it'd be a chance to connect and be intimate but in a way this way is quicker and easier. No need to force myself to emotionally connect with him when I feel upset with him.

@RainSim oh sweetie

@mangomush thank you, that made me teary

@RainSim
Sorry that’s heartbreaking reading

That’s sad @rainsim - mine wouldn’t do that (and I wouldn’t be fine with it) but I know what you mean - my DH will try for sex without any talky preamble/connection except for a ‘how about a roll in the hay’ or some other similarly unromantic overture, but I notice a definite uptick in attempting to listen and be sympathetic when he’s desperate which is more dispiriting as it makes you feel handled in an odd way.

@Wishiwas17again oh gosh yes it feels a bit fake and I feel a bit used. Like he is only showing concern cos he wants something. Today I had bad back pain, he didn't bother offering to cook but came later and insisted he wanted to press. I said no I didn't want it as it won't make me feel better. He said no let me do it cos it will make me feel better

RainSim that's really not ok. Please forgive me if I'm wrong, but you do know that's not sounding like consent on your part? It makes me feel very uncomfortable for you to read it tbh.

What does "want to press" mean? It sounds creepy tbh.

I recently suffered serious pregnancy complications, he showed very limited reaction to these, even when I was haemorrhaging and required a class one emergency c-section he sat impassively next to me. No hand hold, no hair stroke, no words of reassurance, no I love you. I remember crying almost hysterically 'I'm so scared'. He just nodded and said quite sternly 'it'll be fine'.

This resonates so deeply with me. The feeling of utter betrayal, of not having your husband ‘there’ at such a frightening moment never leaves you.

@chickenloverwoman
I was going to ask the same

Yes the lack of empathy when ill. Do all ‘normal husbands’ have empathy when your ill though? Please enlighten me?

Me too thousand I had an awful c-section experience and aftermath and then had PND and was on antidepressants for a year. DH (who both him and i suspect is on the spectrum somewhere..) didn't even notice the aftermath.

He knew I had PND but never once thought what that might be like, to see how I was / instigate conversation about how I was feeling or what was going on. It made me feel utterly alone and I've never really been able to forgive him for it. That was 3 years ago and has since been compounded by more of the same in regards to various stuff going on in our lives.

Our marriage is in the shit as a result, and 6 months of couples therapy has made me realise that this emotional connection that I expected / wanted just isn't there as he means well, but I just don't think is capable without massive amounts of prompting and coaching from me (or hysterics to make him tae notice, which is awful for me as its not 'me')

I'm not sure I want (or have the energy) to do this for the next 20+ years

RainSim I understand what you mean, but so wrong that it has come to that, and that he can't see that it's not a 'normal'? ...moral... respectful way to be.

This thread has brought up a lot of bad memories, there are so many areas of life where we need a level of emotional support or show of love, just acknowledgement.

When i realised Dh lacked empathy, i then realised it had happened in the past and at the times i hadn't noticed. For example, my childhood/teen years were traumatic, I suffered abuse from my own parents, and it was hard to explain to DH when we met. He said he understood, and i was relieved because i felt less of a person because of it. Over the years it has come up many times (as things do relating to childhood and the negatives effects bad experiences can have on adult life etc) and it struck me that DH has never made a single comment about it. After 8 years together (at the time) he had never commented or said anything loving or supportive to me about it, not one single word of acknowledgement. It only came up when i reconnected with a childhood friend and told them, and they said how sorry, guilty and sad they were for not being able to help me at the time. It felt strange, someone showing that level of care and understanding when DH never has.

I'm sorry for all of the baby/birth related stories, it's so sad, it's such a vulnerable time, and it's like our DHs/DPs have walked away and left only a shadow behind to comfort us.

Aside from the zero support or care having a baby, what still hurts me today is that after c-section DH was handed our baby and encouraged to pass him to me. DH couldn't? He couldn't even work out how to turn around or angle the baby toward me so i could have a look at him. People were saying 'oh he's beautiful, isn't he?' but i didn't get a glimpse of my son for almost the first hour, and was the 25 million person to get to hold him. I still feel sad about it, DH took no photos with the camera i put into his hand because he didn't think he was allowed to use it. I feel as though i have that first few hours of my child's life missing from my memory. Where do we draw the line, when is too much? I don't want my son to feel the level of pain I do.

I'm sorry, another long one, i need to learn how to be brief

What I was trying to say are a lot of men like this not just those with AS? Not sure??

@Little I now see that was the lightbulb moment that was the begining of the end. I knew from then on that I was on my own. I similarly had birth complications and on the day instead of standing next to me comforting me etc, he was standing with his back to the wall on the opposite side of the room. Those complications ultimately contributed to my post natal depression and he was equally unsupportive. Somehow the issues are really magnified once you have children, perhaps because the attention that was once on the ASD partner is now on the child. I don’t know.

So many stories on here resonate. The airport sandwich one, only in my case STBX snatched a sandwich out of our 19 month olds hands “because he was hungry” after a 3 hour early morning flight, I was completely stunned. He doesn’t have a dx but a lot of his behaviours are typical of ADHD and ASD. Ex-FIL is exactly the same, sadly he now has early onset Demetia too.

It makes me so sad at what I have put up with. In someways I feel utterly robed of the early years with my children and the joy those years bring. We’re divorcing now but I wish I’d left much sooner as living with him has changed me.

YY to the missing memory. I have very very few photos of me holding dd’s as newborns/babies.

Hi everyone,

I have been reading through the posts on a daily basis and can relate to so many, like somebody said, I have had a number of lightbulb moments relating to my own marriage or have been left

I decided to separate from DH three weeks ago. I suppose it was mutual in a sense. We had an argument and it all came tumbling out, he has been pretty non-plussed since. He has been sleeping in his office for months anyway, which he prefers as it is cooler and he has his enormous TV and XBox down there. He has flitted from ignoring me, talking to me as if I am his employee and then outbursts of humming and singing round the house.
It is our wedding anniversary this weekend and I just couldn't bare the atmosphere any longer. I packed up the car with the kids and have driven to deepest Cornwall. He has barely contacted us, but messaged me last night to ask if the pharmacy (5 doors down from him) is open on a Sunday
While it does feel a bit strange here with 3 kids, it helps a lot being so far away. So many times I have just wanted to get in my car and drive away. The children have had a wonderful time, my eldest (14) knows we are separating and seems alright at the moment. He has had a wonderful time taking part in his first surfing lessons this weekend so I've tried to make it fun for him. I won't tell my younger two until we know where we will be living. Home tomorrow and I can hear the rain hammering outside!
Sorry for the long rambling post, it helps a lot to offload
to all having a difficult time.

Peachs, I think we must be married to the same man !!!

@peachsnowpop that sounds like a very difficult situation for you to be in :( for you especially!

This resonates so deeply with me. The feeling of utter betrayal, of not having your husband ‘there’ at such a frightening moment never leaves you.

This. I had the same cold feeling post birth and through my child's colicky period. Ignored and unsupported. I kept thinking that maybe I had something to him during labour that had really upset him, but it wasn't that all, his true nature was just becoming more apparent.

Have any of you then gone on to have more children? How was it second time round?

I've decided to end things for definite.

I was subjected to a tirade this evening for not dealing with my mental health - I am in counselling weekly and on antidepressants. I merely had a bad day today and dared to open up and was called 'weak'. He has never had therapy and has had long spells of not working due to poor mental health. I'm sick of the double standards.