Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Mango, have you tried warning them they might not like what you are going to say? I warn DH. 'I know your not going to like this, but stay calm and let me finish. You don't like Ikea, but i need you to come with me and help me move the boxes. I wouldn't ask you if I didn't have to. Do you want to go early and get it over with, or go later when it's quiet and get some meatballs?'

@Daftasabroom

I'm starting to think of it as more a radar diagram with five or six characteristics where someone can have different levels or even no level of any one trait but will definitely have big chunks of most of them

I'd say it was even more diverse than that, see this explanation
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

@picklemepopcorn that's really good advice. I'm chuckling because it's similar to what I do with DS, and blimey it is like handling a child. Gosh, so it really isn't just me then?! I think I have done something like that by accident with DH before, but I'm going to follow this advice in future.

Also key I think in how he takes it in is my level of emotion at the time. I was angry when I told him he needed to do something, that he needed to improve his communication levels, and that immediately puts him in defence mode.

I should add that I'm neurodiverse myself, although not on the autism spectrum. So I do have a lot of sympathy. But it is very tiring when I, who is diagnosed, is making adjustments for the person who isn't and won't get diagnosed to do with their 'differences', not mine.

My DH went to do some humanitarian work in an extremely distressing country, but came back completely fine. It seemed it didn't affect him emotionally at all, which when I think about it now, it is very bizzare.

That's it exactly Blank

Some of his behaviour is in the eyes of my friends emotionally abusive. It is.
And
My therapist thinks that overall we are a good team and I have to adapt to him.

@mango I’m sorry but those two sentences are totally incompatible.
Surely, if his behaviour is similarnto emotional abuse it cannot and should not be accepted. And certainly can’t be likened to working as a good team.
Struggling to see how this good side can somehow cancel the abusive behaviour.

Fwiw, H has improved his behaviour wise A LOT since I took the decision in my own mind that I would leave.
As someone posted before, I have started to make plans and am slowly putting my ducks in a row (starting by recovering form the ME enough that I can cope with working and looking after the dcs as well as protecting my back with Brexit). Doing that means that Ive backed up a hell of a lot and am not emotionally invested in the relationship. I’ve pulled H up on a few non acceptable behaviours but apart form that thats it.
Doing that as, I think, lessen the pressure on him to be ‘involved’ and emotionally present so things are better. I can even see nice loving gestures from him.
Basically, he seems to have no clue that my pulling back is a Really. Bad. Sign. On the contrary, he seems happier than he has been in a long time....
I have a good friend who is on the spectrum (self diagnosed after her ds was diagnosed himself). I’m pretty sure her DH is on the spectrum too. Their relationhsip works because neither on them is looking for the emotional involvement that we, as NT, are looking for I think.
And that’s also why things have imporoved between H and myself when I backed off.
Except I don’t want a relationhsip like this.
And I wouod hope for someone who has my back (having been ill my self for a few years, I know I just can not rely on H to support me). If not, it’s easier to ill in your own tbh.

Mangomush I would agree that she has some personality issues, but the fact that she has autism makes most of our friends hesitant to bring up her behavior with her. I personally don't have any problems calling her out but she's not a close friend of mine, she's an acquaintance at best. I would have no problem reading her the riot act after thw stunts she pulled at the wedding but I really think that's for the bride or her other close friend the maid of honour to tackle. I know they were both very hurt by it.

Carry on lining up your ducks Hermione- but don't rush- you may find you like the new laid back partner and he may find he really can be supportive and have your back.

Hermione you have just described my relationship there. I am busy getting my ducks in a row, I have withdrawn from him, the is a gaping chasm between us right now as far as I concerned. He thinks things are great between us right now! I suppose a quiet and withdrawn wife is what he wants, being that wife isn't what I want though.

Hermione I was typing in a rush and didn’t explain properly. What I meant was that some of my DH’s behaviour can appear emotionally abusive - and probably is. I’m talking about sometimes getting defensive and blowing up when I express negative feelings and then not speaking to me. No I do not tolerate it - I call it out. But at the same time I am becoming much more adept at not seeing it as my failing but his, and to an extent something he can’t help but has to learn to change. And he is. He’s seeing a counsellor.

What my therapist said wasn’t her saying that cancels out the hurt - it was a comment in recognition of a big coparenting achievement we made together. Thinks are complicated by the fact I’m neurodiverse too (diagnosed) and so have my own sensitivities which often rub his up the wrong way and vv. Contrary to what you say, it’s wrong to say that non-NT don’t need emotional connection in the same way. I get you were talking about ASD, but there are other types of neurodiverity, and people with ASD, who are overly emotional for want of a better phrase.

My plan is to get my ducks in order while trying to see if increased understanding of his traits and his supposed willingness to adjust is enough. I’m giving it a year. I’ve only really come to the conclusion he has ASD,the past year and there are a lot of good points about our relationship, so I’m going to see.

H, good on yer, good luck. I’m starting to count ducks, look for nests and eggs and ducklings and food and a duck house. No moats for us, though. I’m tired and sad but I like ducks.

Aaaaargh. I've struggled with DP today. He is utterly consumed by a thing and so I don't exist. He's suggested coffee which to me isn't a proper date, and I just want to say look, we should be going out for dinner or drinks and we should be being intimate. He really pulls back after being intimate. It makes me feel lousy.

It makes me feel like a pest and if a man was saying that about a woman, I would think they were awful.

Thank you all for your congratulations, it does mean a lot to me. I almost removed my post when i saw how embarrassingly long it was.

wishiwas17again I hope to find anything local that i can fit around nursery hours, but what i'd like to do is to have some kinda of role where i can help children learn to read and write, disadvantaged, struggling, those with parents that don't value education, all and any kids really. I'm trying to work out how to do that.

themostinterestinglife RE: sickness, that is exactly how i feel. What's the point if they aren't there when you need them most. Any time i have been very ill I had to face going home knowing that I had no one to care for me. It was/ is a very lonely thought. I fell down the stairs years ago, i went to work the next day and had a funny turn, pain, confusion etc and ended up in a&e, strapped to a bed (DH unreachable) for 8 hrs. When i left it was dark, and quiet, I took the bus home and was so sad knowing that he would not care/notice.

I relate to almost every post, and felt really sad for the poster talking about husband not knowing how to make the tea. I have taken two medicines forever, one in the morning, the other at night, DH doesn't know which is which, yet my 3 year old knows from the design of packaging.

I'm tired of the back and forth of everything, like tonight, he's polite, offered me drinks, and i think, "what was i thinking? I can make it work", then for the rest of the week i will only exist to him when he needs clean clothes or food, and be snappy or short with me, i remind myself i often only get the pleasant side when it's near his hobby time.

I have been thinking about what posters have been saying about their partners pretending in the beginning, I didn't wonder why i didn't see something so obvious, but there are so many other things happening in life that can mask a habit, or behaviour. I think for me, when we met, it wasn't that DH was beginning more loving, attentive etc for me, i think it was the result of me meeting him needs. So, it wasn't me that was recieving a comforting hug, it was DH taking comfort from my hug because he wanted it. Does that make any sense? To me, with that in mind it makes more sense with then and now.

themostinterestinglife thank you for the financial advice, i'm sure it's appreciated by others too, i wish i knew about mumsnet a long time ago.

RainSim can i ask how your DH is with your 4 year old? I don't know how to navigate this, i have a 3 year old. I had to teach my DH to go to our child when he was hurt/upset. I encourage bonding time, but still there is a language barrier between them.

Thinking about your long post, Sadness, honestly I think lots of us with ASD partners don't have as many people to talk to! It builds up and builds up! Don't think twice about off loading here. We get it.

@imsadness what you mention about at the beginning where it wasn't different but it was you giving hugs, I can totally relate to. I was extremely loving towards him and he didn't reciprocate that at all but I was in love and continued doing so.
As for how he is with my DC, he is very very patient with him and very good with him for short bursts. So for 1.5 hours he's perfect dad. But give DC to him for the whole day (which very rarely happens as he always avoids it), then he really struggles and they've had some form of a quarrel. We now have turns for some things, and he will never do more than his share, even if I'm unwell, but will very gladly take my offer to help him in his share (which I did for many years). Now I can't be asked with being so helpful and kind because frankly he needs to grow up. He does behave very much like a man child but isn't a bad person and just doesn't understand the effect of in his mainly inaction (rather than actions) on those around him.

What's shouting out from these sad posts are the 'E' words:
Egotistical
lack of Empathy.

Has anyone found that their DP only hugs/cuddles/talks or make any effort when he wants to have sex? Recently though DP has not even bothered doing that, he just instigates when I'm asleep so he can jump straight in.

@Aloethere it's bizzare how they have no understanding at all of how hurt we are. We went through an awful year after DS was born, and DP genuinely believed that year has bought us close together. When I heard it in therapy, I couldn't fathom how deluded he was

RainSim we had this a few years ago, just one of those years where everything is against you, I was really struggling to hold things together and DW joyfully declared how she had found her comfort zone.

We've got an event today and it's been non stop whining and complaining (from DH not the preschooler) about everything. No one can do right for doing wrong. We have a wedding next weekend and completely dreading it already!

RainSim instigates when you're asleep?
DH was exactly like you describe with hugs etc, but now also before he wants to bring up a request to go to his hobby. For many years I couldn't just kiss him or cuddle without it leading somewhere, and to him it also seemed to mean that i didn't want to be intimate unless i did those things, so he wouldn't pick up on subtle clues or body language, so I would have to be throwing myself at him for him to realise.

Does anyone else dream about this? I keep having similar dreams, not reoccurring but the same themes. I often dream that i have met/I am with a man who loves, cherishes and values me, and in the dream i feel so lucky, content... happy, then i wake up and it actually feels like a loss.

@imsadness I day dream about it when things are really tough, I use it as a coping mechanism

@RainSim I’m concerned for you about your DH instigating sex while you’re asleep “so he can jump straight in.” That doesn’t sound very consensual. Does he make sure he wakes you up before any penetration?