Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Daftasabroom, I haven't read the whole thread but it's sad to hear your story. I'm the female with ASD (though I strongly suspect "D"H is too), and due to being brought up in a kind and loving family I tend to have an oversupply of empathy. It really upsets me to see others hurt and I try my best to help where I can. As others have said, people with ASD have all the same huge range of personalities of those without. If I'd known about my ASD earlier I would have made the conscious decision never to be in a relationship. I love my DTDs more than I can say but i am constantly feeling like I'm failing them 😔. Ugh....sorry for the ramble but just to say some of us do our best to be kind and considerate

Deg I think feeling like we are failing those around us is normal, I certainly feel that way more often than not.

My DH is very very charming when in company but pita when with me and is very hesitant to go out on days out as he says it exhausts him. He needs alot of sleep and plenty of naps too. If we are at a social event, 2 hours is probably the most he can do before withdrawing. Also he loves his family who live far but when they leave he is happy they've gone, whereas I feel sad. He can only take them in short bursts.

It's almost the opposite with us. I'm shy and get stressed about big gatherings whereas Dh is usually quite keen to go to things if they're offered (providing they're on an acceptable date - see my previous post).

The problem is that he doesn't really 'get' light social conversation. If someone mentions they're been to a particular place, for eg, he won't ask them what it was like, he'll immediately say 'yes, I went there in 1995', and start reminiscing about every detail of his trip. I remember a particularly gruesome AI holiday we went on where you had to socialise with the other guests in the evening and I came to dread seeing the faces of the others glaze over as Dh happily debated with himself whether it was the 15th or 16th of August that he'd flown to Helsinki in 1987.

He's got a good SOH in fact, and is highly intelligent, but social cues aren't his forte. I gently tease him and he knows he's doing it but he can't stop. It often makes me feel like his minder, though

I've reached my limit this week. On holiday and miserable. DH is constantly worrying about plans but instigating nothing. It's making me so tense and angry. He's spent most days googling things to do and doing nothing. Ignoring hunger cues from the children and arguing with everything.

I hope i am doing this right.. I have signed up just to post on this thread, i haven't read the full thread yet, it has grown since the last time i read it. Sorry in advance if this is long and seems like i'm hijacking the thread.

I believe my husband has Aspergers after reading a lady's thread on here a few years ago and I too feel like i have reached my limit, but i can't afford to have one.

I don't really know where to start, like others i didn't consider Aspergers, ever. When we met we were early 20s, he was loving and kind, and now looking back it was an intense sort of love, like he now has for his hobbies and interests. At the time i thought he must really, really care about me, and it was the first time in my life i had ever felt truely loved by anyone. After we moved in together, that all sort of disappeared, he treated me as a maid, cook, mother, never an equal. He is still very much the same, but he has made a little progress over the years.

Anyway, we have been together over 10 years and for most of that i have felt unloved, and unwanted. We've had some tough times, moving around because of unreliable landlords, this in turn has given me a poor and patchy employment record, and so money problems have been constant - we can pay the bills and look after our child and save a little for a deposit, but no holidays and rare days out etc.

So much of his behaviour i feel has been masked by the above and the fact that he is a workaholic and has rarely been around. When i say workaholic, i don't mean like ones people sometimes complain about who earn a good living so their efforts aren't fruitless, but a workaholic as in, he never says no, he has been taken advantage of many times in the work place. He's the one who welcomes extra work, responsibilities and actively seeks it out. For a long time, i worried that he didn't want to spend time with me/was having an affair/gambling etc etc because he would arrive home not long before 9pm... from an office job because he just had to do something that no one else could. He more recently found a new job. I begged for years for him to go somewhere else so we could move to a better area, so that i had more opportunities and he would be home more but he wouldn't. Then he had enough and found a 9-5 for the same money. Don't get me wrong, i know they aren't really 9-5 for the majority, regardless I was pleased he was getting in between 6 and 6:30 as apposed to the 9pm-11pm he was getting home for the first 18 months of our child's life. But then it crept up, 7, 7:30, 8, sometimes later and there's always an excuse. Did i mention that he doesn't get paid overtime? Also, he has had days off cancelled, works through them and has only had a week + holiday off twice since we've been together, he carries it over, or uses it for appointments etc.

Sorry, i'm getting side tracked. He hasn't resembled the man i met for most of our relationship, he can be dishonest, my son and I are like an after thought, he has no empathy and is mostly indifferent toward me, and cold toward his parents, sibling, other relatives. He talks to me like i am a roommate and there is no intimacy. He is however more animated, cheerful and pleasant the day before and of his hobby. He seems fine to carry on this way, but i feel so broken. I have always blamed myself for the way he was and our circumstances, and thought if only 'this or that happens', 'if i'm a better person', 'do better' then he will love me enough, and be present in our relationship and be the person i fell in love with. Now though, i know it won't change. I have read a couple of the couples books and they seemed to be written about our life, i asked him to read them, i tried to do things differently, and communicate differently, but he wouldn't co operate. He does little that he doesn't want to. He promises to do things and then doesn't I really think they would have helped our relationship. Things got worse after that because i have literally tried everything to make our relationship better, but i don't know how to cope living like this forever? I plod along and then something hurtful happens, this time it was getting my degree results. I did a part time OU degree, i worked through some of it, had an sickly pregnancy, c section, diagnosed illness, an operation, change in home, jobs, a child that didn't sleep before 9pm, and an epileptic dog (this sounds like a story, i promise i'm not making it up).... sorry, anyway. It was so hard to continue, most of my study was done at night and through the am. But now i'm finished, i never thought i'd get a degree, and it's truely the first thing i have do that i have been really proud of. Results day came along, first results out were for the module which i told him about and he said it was a good score, my classification came out the next day. He said nothing. I explained i was hurt, and still nothing. He just repeated that it was a good score and didn't mention it the rest of the week. I talked to him about it and he said there was no point saying anything because i was already upset. I just can't believe it. I feel so alone like i'm slowly disappearing. I don't know what to do anymore. I have a lovely son who will start nursery in Sept and it hurts me to think of taking him away from his dad, because finally they are bonding. There was a long time my toddler didn't realise my husband actually lived with us. But it doesn't matter really, because i have no job, or family. I can't leave, i need security for my son, i wouldn't be able to offer him much as a single parent. I finally understand what people say when they said they stay together for the kids. My husband seems content, as long as nothing is asked of him and he gets to do his hobby. I don't know what to do, it's not fair on him to stay though, i don't know if i love him in a romantic way after so many years of being ignored and be subjected to his heartless behaviour i.e him waking up in the night to find me lying on the bathroom floor in pain/fever/vomiting (gallstones that i didn't know i had at the time) asking me to leave he could go to the toilet and then went back to bed.

i'm sorry, this has been long, and i think i sound petty, it's hard to unravel. I just need to know how to carry on. And OP i'm happy you have your ducks in a row, very sorry for taking over you're thread.

Hello Sadness. I'm sure everyone here appreciates what you are saying.

What really helped us was when I accepted that I wasn't going to get that kind of support from him. The room mates thing- it hurts much less when you accept that. Build yourself up and learn to be strong on your own. In my case, DH warmed up and relaxed when I wasn't demanding as much from him.

DH and DS are very diligent too- they struggle with work life balance. It's like they think the employer owns them.

Cardeysmum I agree with you re holidays. There’s never a feeling of camaraderie or fun. DH always wants to research the most long-winded journey somewhere in order to take in some feature that none of the rest of us are interested in. An eye opening moment was on one holiday where we’d had days of HIS plans and then I said there was a market I wanted to go to. He said that it wasn’t his kind of thing and there had to be give and take! Which I’d course I’d been doing (giving I mean) but he hadn’t noticed. He was just making his stuff happen.

It’s easy to say that we should just say “NOPE, not doing that” but it seems to take so much emotional effort.

sadness huge congratulations on getting your degree.

it doesn't sound petty sadness, it is often the small things that grind you down over time, because in the big things after a while you give up on expectations of support so the smaller things stick out when you review. Congratulations on getting your degree! What are you going to do next? I'm sure that'll be of interest to an employer? I agree with pickle, it's almost as if the expectation creates the pressure and makes it harder for that to be met..

Hello sadness. What I found particularly poignant about your post is when you describe being ill on the bathroom floor and, as far as your husband is concerned, being in the way of him getting to the toilet. My ex was very surly and resentful when I was ill, he would try to bully me out of it. When I was unwell, it made him look bad because I wasn't able to run his life for him and plan all the activities that gave him boasting rights and an ego boost to the outside world. It was that behaviour that prompted my divorce from him; our marriage vows included the "in sickness and in health" part but he failed on that count, and I didn't see the point of being in a partnership if your spouse/partner doesn't have your back when the chips are down. Sending you much understanding and support.

And I'm just going to - perhaps slightly childishly - mention something that really used to get on my nerves because it highlights the extent to which ex couldn't manage his own life. He would never use an alarm clock. I would set the alarm and get up and get ready for work, and he used me getting up as his cue to get out of bed. He couldn't even take responsibility for getting out of bed and himself to work on time (hence being fired from two jobs post divorce).

Sadness the initial honeymoon followed by the obsessions and the need to unravel a confusing, one way and often contradictory relationship is a very common pattern on this thread.

I could spend a week replying to posts on this thread and still not say it all!

Yes to the lack of support when ill, he’s never been to a medical appointment with me, I don’t even tell him now as whatever is wrong with me he tries to trump with something worse. This week I’ve had really bad hay fever and have felt dreadful, I gave up and went to bed one afternoon - husband came into the bedroom after an hour , hands on hips and asked how long I was going to be in bed for. This is a man who has a new illness/ailment almost daily, and is a real drama queen, screaming in pain when he gets cramp in his leg.

Holidays, I’ve restricted to a week maximum now because it’s all about fitting into his routine. Last year in Mallorca, on the first day we left the poolside at 3pm for the cool of the bar.....that was it, every day he packed up at 3pm and sulked if I said I wanted to stay longer to finish the chapter in my book. And if we should chat to another couple, they avoid us from then on because he bores them to death wittering on about himself while getting more and more pissed. It’s mortifying sitting at a table for 4, when people are looking for seats but won’t sit with us.

yes, I try not to mention being ill as far as possible because it'll immediately invite the response that he's feeling worse. We have small DC, and he used to frequently retire to bed to read or rest on weekend days, without checking where the kids were or even concerning himself with that. I can't remember the last day he got up and he wasn't feeling tired or ill in some way, he's either tired, or really, really tired.

It's sad though, because I believe he does feel that way, it's just very hard and draining (!) to be around at times.

I broke my leg a few years back, DW went to bed with a mystery illness for a week leaving me to feed, bath and look after two small children and her with a full cast on. This was during the holidays, the moment they went back to school she got better

Can I just quietly encourage those of you struggling but perhaps unable or not wanting to end the relationship at the moment? Please think about what steps (no matter how small) you could take now to help ensure your financial wellbeing in the future, in case you find yourself separating two, five or ten years from now. Even small amounts of money - a few pounds here and there - tucked away in your own bank account can make a difference. As part of my job I've become very aware of the financial consequences of divorce in later life, particularly for those who have been out of the workforce for years raising children. Any attachment or interest that you can keep in the workforce now will make a difference; even if it's just researching part time jobs or careers open to older people so that you have some ideas about what's open to you later on down the line.

Daft, I broke my ankle 7 or 8 years ago when h and I were out walking the dog. He panicked and asked me what to do. I asked him to go and get my car (not his, mine was bigger). He ran off leaving me sitting on someone’s garden wall with an excitable Labrador who wanted to continue her walk.
He returned 30 minutes later (should have taken him 15 tops but he told me in great detail that he’d had to go to the toilet, and he’d also had to find his coat because he was worried it might rain).
We got home and I hobbled around packing a bag to take with me to A&E. He watched the football then very grudgingly drove me to A&E and left me at the door. Once I’d been XRayed and plastered I rang him to pick me up - he’d had 2 glasses of wine because he was so stressed. I got a taxi home.

He worked at home for the first week, wouldn’t do anything for me unless it fitted in with his schedule. On about day 3, I asked him if he could clean the kitchen sink, he went into a meltdown because he “had to do everything”. I sent him back to work and got neighbours to help me.

I’d forgotten that until I read your post.

Oh and I was told to keep my leg elevated when sitting down, he didn’t like me putting my leg up on a pillow on the coffee table - it looked untidy!

Why I’m still here I have no idea, probably misplaced guilt about leaving him alone, but good advice from themost, I got my ducks in a row last year and it feels good.

Mine never had any feelings of his own. If I was ever sick or tired he would be sicker and tireder. This meant that the house and kids would crumble because there was no one to step up.
If I decided to spend a day cleaning the house, he had more energy and would clean the house too getting in my way and fussing around trying to do what ever job I was going.
As one exception, he was always ( pretended to be) sick on our anniversary because the pressure to do something romantic was too much. One year I was fed up with it and said he had better NOT be sick. And very weirdly he had to go to hospital for something serious enough. On. Our. Anniversary.
I sort of decided God was on his side then.

That's almost funny Slane!

DH used to wilt when I got ill. He hasn't really got a sense of proportion. He doesn't necessarily notice his own injuries, but when he does gets a bit dramatic about it. He never swims in public pools anymore because he gets a weird cramp thing in one of his toes. Except when he is working in Malaysia, when he swims every day and it's fine because the pool is quiet.

He used to ignore me when I was ill, leave me in bed for as long as it took- no offer of a drink or tablets. Now the boys are older they have modelled tiptoeing into my room and offering snacks/drinks/meds.

imsadness It is so heartbreaking to read your experience. There's so much in your story I can relate to, and others can too I am sure. I am so sorry. You deserve much better.

I also have one that just cant and will not cope with being ill. My 4 year old looks after me better when I am ill then he does. He needs to be told exactly what he needs to do for me. It gets tiring and you just feel like isn't it obvious? Are you thick? Its come to a stage where I will be in terrible pain but if it is my turn to cook, I will still crack on with it, because I know he wont like it and it just isn't worth the emotional energy. I am considering divorce too. I've got a counselor booked for next week so I am hoping talking through things with her might hopefully help.

With regards to feelings, mine is very rarely happy. He's always very neutral/passive? Its like there's very few things that would excite him or make him happy. I struggle to think what I or anyone else could do that would make him happy.

picklemepopcorn The ignoring thing I can relate to. When I was pregnant I had pre-natal depression to the extent I was scared to leave the house. Not only did he ignore me, but he told everyone I was being overly dramatic and should be more positive. We talked about this counselling and he said sorry and promised not to do it again if I felt pregnant again. I believed him then, but now I feel very unsure. Am I being stupid to trust him?

I was in a relationship with a man with Aspergers when I was nineteen, he was 10 years older. My mother was pushing for me to settle down with him but I broke it off for a lot of the reasons mentioned here, but also because most of his friends were also on the spectrum and could be incredibly creepy towards any women they met. Nearly 15 years after we broke up, he's still keeping tabs on my online activity and trying to get in contact with me.

There's a woman on the spectrum in our friend group now, she is very high functioning but it seems like recently she's taken a turn for the worse. She was made a bridesmaid for our mutual friends wedding and more or less took over the hen so she could do what she was interested in to the detriment of everyone else, especially the bride (a severe agoraphobic who couldn't even set foot inside the observatory the bm insisted on visiting).

The wedding was last week and she was even worse. She complained about how lazy the bride was and how unorganized the wedding was by her standards (budget wedding with most things done by hand, including the dresses, wedding cake and decorations). She complained about dairy in the food despite not asking for a lactose free option (the veggie option had no dairy), got drunk and talked about one of the other bms breaking up with her partner within earshot of said partner, interrupted the speech to give herself credit when I was thanked by name for something, made mean comments about the bride's weight and to cap it all off, was unspeakably rude to the bride's brother, sparking off a conflict that took a good hour to sort out.

Despite the autism, she's not so socially inept that she doesn't know that this was an awful way to behave. She's gotten very heavily into identity politics and just doesn't seem to care who she upsets these days.

I don't think it's stupid to trust him, Rain. But you may well have to remind him. Sometimes we play down our problems, put a brave face on, because we know the people around us will read between the lines. Well, he probably won't. You have to say, straight up, I am feeling rough. I won't be able to go out. You will need to look after the baby and the house. I have PND, you will need to do all the thinking.

But be aware, he will do things his way- which you might not like.

MySquee it sounds like the woman you describe is thoughtless for personality reasons above and beyond ASD. Most people who are reasonably high functioning on the spectrum would have learnt that some of those things are rude.

lifebegins50 I resonate so much with your posts. DH had an abusive childhood. A very emotionally cold and punishing mother. He feels shame very quickly. But doesn't recognise or admit that.

Some of his behaviour is in the eyes of my friends emotionally abusive. It is.And it's hard to reconcile that with his loving attention. He does so much around the home practically. He does give emotional support and has learnt to. My therapist thinks that overall we are a good team and I have to adapt to him.

And I'm learning and adapting all the time as I parent DS whose ASD is becoming more prominent. DS needs notice about doing something that he doesn't want to do. When you ask him to do something he doesn't want to do, he'll rail against you verbally but then he'll do it. Had exactly the same thing with DH recently. I asked him to do something. He said i was controlling and totally unreasonable and no way was he doing it. But the next morning he did. Sigh.

Autism is often described as a spectrum but I'm starting to think of it as more a radar diagram with five or six characteristics where someone can have different levels or even no level of any one trait but will definitely have big chunks of most of them.