Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I would agree, I am very close to my 2 teenagers and we have good open lines of communication. A direct result I think of the poor relationship their father has with us. I also think they can now see how his behaviour affected us all. In our house now we do kind things for each other, however small.

My understanding of what is normal in a relationship had become so completely distorted; his meanness, cruelty and neglect
I don't think this is just ASD. It is probadly to do with childhood.If an ASD person has had a non nurturing childhood then they appear less able to relearn/develop relationship skills.
An example, ASD step daughter was cycling with siblings and much younger sibling fell significantly behind so was upset/scared. Stepdaughter told the story to me very factually and I asked "didn't you go back to check she was ok?, her response was "No, would she have liked that?" I explained why. Sometime after she said "we went cycling sibling left behind and I went back to check..you were right she did like that"

This is now a rule she has learned but she needed to be told the appropriate response.I imagine without ASD knowledge she would have been called selfish and uncaring and would not have learned how to respond. I can't imagine how Ex who is 50 negotiated the world without knowledge of ASD, he would have made so many "mistakes" and was constantly berated physically by his abusive mother. In that way he is a "victim". By the time we met he had a well developed mask but underneath he doesn't know how to make relationships work. His success in a career has made him arrogant so even if he had insight he is unlikely to want to change.
Ex wants to be liked/loved but he truly does not understand others so "gets it wrong". It has made him want to be alone with his just his interests.

We've been building a house, when say we I mean I, every passer by, all the trades, family and friends say how great it looks. The only person to not say anything or recognise the effort I've put in is DW.

Back when I was ignorant and we ( I also mean I) was buying our house it was the same. ZERO input. He got any paperwork I asked him to get reluctantly. But had no interest whatsoever. Until it came to money. Anything I wanted to buy he’d ask how much it cost and would then half my budget. I’d say I was thinking of this 2,000 pound sofa, what did he think. Our budget is really one thousand tops, he’d reply. Just pulled out of thin air. His only input.

I find most of the books useless as they tend to imply the NT partner is supposed to do all the work,
Yes I agree with that and found it hard because then absolutely everything, every single responsibility became mine. Not just the dcs, the house and myself but also H.
Nit only it wasn’t fair but it also actually felt controlling on my side.

The dcs have learnt not to ask for anything and actually have told me they would rather shop wo him. Because he always has been letting them know one way or the other that it was too expensive.
I, on the other side, spend my time telling them that if they need something (like shoes that don’t fit anymore), then they do and there is no issue buying them shoes.

H has done the same thing with me so I buy things with my own card so he can’t see exact amount. That way he isn’t upset and I feel I can do what I need/want. (And yes I’m aware it’s getting close to financial abuse)

Hermione, I’m the shopping one because he gets too stressed, overloaded, repressed meltdown, no constructive critical faculties, no “ I prefer the lime green, purple and orange to the yellow, better with your skin”.

And yes, I hate the idea of controlling too. I’ve now discovered that if I set the rules and boundaries, in a 1950s fashion, it’s easier. As I determinedly rejected that as a young woman it goes against the grain but I decided the constant arguments and passive aggression were not worth the candle.

And I cried this morning when the doctor said this must be hard for me. Real life sympathy is so hard to accept without the floods welling up.

Orlanda

How are holidays for you?

Mine turn into a bit nightmare as DH decides it's the time to do soul searching and wants to unburden all his problems or wants to keep having sex despite time not always being convenient due to DCs sharing same room as us. He also never wants to take the lead and wants me to plan and organise everything

Orlanda. This sounds so desperate but getting my haircut used to upset me also, because the head massage when getting shampooed was someone touching me with a kind intent. A couple of times during my most difficult years I found time to go for a back and shoulders massage, or sports massage or something similar, and would end up in tears there also! But very good for both mental and physical wellbeing, if you are anything like me and carry tension around in your body. Sad that I felt the need to pay for gentleness and touch but there you go, that's what being married to my Aspergers ex was like. Take care.

Having my hair done always used to upset me to. Knowing that it would t be commented on, hairdressers asking me if I was going anywhere nice - actually I never went anywhere. I m trying to make up for it now though. I really feel Ive led no life and just cared for him like an extra child. Yes the whole divorce and separation process is hard at the moment but it’s for to be better than what I had.

Rainsim I was also the planner and organiser of all holidays. It got very wearying, having to decide where to go, how to get there, where to stay, all the details of organising currency, budget, local transport, where to eat...Now that I'm divorced, I love organising and planning those things for DD and I; what was exhausting was the one-way burden of having to mentally carry a soul-sapping adult who drained rather than contributed energy and enthusiasm. DD and I are now off travelling all over, and it's brill!

It wouldn’t be too bad to do the organising if it was appreciated.
Instead I’ve organised stuff, trying to take H interests into account, only fo him to grumble because it wasn’t exactly what he wanted, we didn’t spend enough time doing what he wanted etc.. add small children in the mix (who, shock horror didn’t want to read all the little labels in a museum aged 6yo!!) and the early years were really hard work.

The weariness and exhaustion that comes from sharing your life with an AS partner seems to be a common theme. It is relentless.

I totally see the extra child comments. Stroppy teenager in my case.

Flipping heck, organising everything happens here too, from renovating a whole house to selling a house, buying a house, organising removals, downsizing. All the utilities, arrangements for everything. Holidays, and everything else.

Basically if I don’t arrange it it doesn’t happen. DH is anal about bloody reminders on our shared calendar but then does nothing about things, like DD’s passport renewal, it has been pinging me a message every other day for months. I told him that there is no point in reminders if nothing gets done, still waiting on that one to prove a point.

I took a house back to brick and renovated it, on my own, no input at all. It was quite embarrassing at times when the tradesmen expected to converse with both of us about the work they were doing and he just walked off, completely disinterested!

Even now, we moved recently and he did not know how much we paid for the house, how much our mortgage is each month etc., etc..

Another planet completely.

I am working really long hours atm. DH is cooking dinner each evening. When I reheated my dinner yesterday at 8:45 I took it outside with a G&T and he said ‘do you want some company’? Not really.

Later on he came outside and asked if I ‘wanted to snog’. Definitely not.

He really doesn’t get the situation at all.

Asked me why I was planning on going away for the night for my 50th as he had assumed we would be having dinner! I said that I didn’t assume anything and that presents or dinner or anything else didn’t happen unless I arranged it and I wanted a nice day so I was going somewhere nice alone. A posh spa for the day and I would love to spend the night but worry about leaving DD.

It’s almost like he doesn’t believe that I will follow through with the plan of him leaving. He was defined definitely leaving, by mutual agreement.

Honestly, the hideous words and behaviour of his just don’t compute terribly well and the last couple of days it is like he has forgotten what he said and that he is leaving at the end of August.

It's weird we can have a row or psycho conversation that will leave me feeling sick and shaking for days, but she can be like nothing happened within minutes. I totally sympathise OP.

@Daftasabroom omg yes I can totally relate, it's crazy! I'm being nosey, are you male or female?

Is there a book written for Asperger husband's which explains to them how they should behave in a NT relationship?

Rain I'm a guy so my experiences will be somewhat different. I think AS does/can present very differently in women but the social conditioning is also different. She's a great Mum but a pretty useless life partner.

I don’t think mine would have read it. I made him buy some books at the time he was interested in improving his behaviour and I don’t think they were ever opened.

There was some mention upthread of social occasions and associated melt downs. I think part of DWs difficulty is that she will form very rigid ideas of how an event or situation will run or pan out. But put a bunch of people together and it's inevitable that there are going to be changes and compromises, DW just can't cope with that.

I think 2 people with AS can work quite well. However it is very different in how it appears in men and women. It’s another world.

Men particularly are good at turning on the charm to start with but quickly unravel, so I can see how you could marry one and not know it.

Although if you are in the know the small signs are very easy to spot!

Oh yes, DH can’t even remember anything about the really horrible things he’s said - he says it is meaningless because he’ll say anything when he’s angry. Then if i keep going on about it he’ll say I hurt his feelings too and have said things just as bad except I’ve never said the ad hominem stuff he’s said.

Getting my DH do do any socialising outside of work is impossible. It’s funny because I believe he’s quite charming at work - he goes out of his way to be super nice. I have a secret dream of having Christmas drinks parties to go to, but even getting my family to a sodding once a year Christmas show at church was an embarrassing ordeal last year, because it’s not important to him he’ll make me late and try and refuse to go at the last minute.