Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

@mangomush yes yes! :( And he is the one who is in the wrong but never recognises it. He seems to think buying me a bar of chocolate is a sufficient apology.

@Sloth you're welcome :) sounds like a natural response!

@Rain I found the parenting book by Marshack very negative.

www.amazon.co.uk/Asperger-Couples-Workbook-Activities-Counsellors-ebook/dp/B00332FKWK/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=aspergers+couple+workbook&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1532461064&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Between-you-Personal-stories-neuro-diverse-ebook/dp/B07CLCHGR9/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=different+together&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1532461119&sr=8-1

Are great.

Why, why why does she START something at the time it is meant to be finished? E.g. on the rare occasions she cooks dinner she starts at 630 or 7 or 8. And then we get "oh, how was I meant to know?"

Mango yes, yes yes, every day

Rain in twenty years DW has never apologised. Not once. For anything, ever.

This is all making me so sad :( I wish we all had it different.

@workinprogressmum Thanks for the recommended books. I read Maxine's activity book but didn't find it very helpful to be honest.

About the BBQ. I did find that if we were expecting company my partner used to be his worst. I stopped inviting people over. I eventually wondered if it actually was a manipulative tactic to prevent socializing.
In the end I still invited friends over but expected no help. I made it clear that the house was to remain as I put it. It mostly worked. Sometimes he would decide to start sorting his vast collection of socks in the kitchen floor minutes before guests are arriving.

@Slanetylor My DH was very quick to invite people but made no move towards helping or preparing for their visits. So the last time he invited the in-laws over, I went to a work event, and left it all to him. He got very very stressed and I felt like saying to him: 'so now you know how I feel when your parents visit; and I hope now you regret telling me off for getting 'too stressed'.

On another note, I really want to have another child and give my DS a sibling too, but I don't have the courage to go through pregnancy and post-birth with an un-supportive grumpy husband.

Has anyone been for couples counselling for Aspergers?

I don’t know whether to be happy that it’s just me, or sad that it’s not just me....

Have to say though that my DH has frequently apologised. Often -shock horror- unprompted. Not with things but words. He can be very warm. But the inconsistency and sometimes emotional withdrawal is killing me.

No apologies here either.
Only a few apologising that were never heartfeltand always felt like excuses/playing the victim.

YY about being at his worst when people are coming. I’m talking about his parents and mines there, not friends! What helped was to give him a very clear role. After 10 years telling to put the table with specific plates/glasses, he is still asking if we need to use those. yep he doesn’t see the point of doing that.

Daft that sounds like a really hard day (if you like them!) or instead

@mangomush My DH does apologise, but it is after much goading, and going round in circles, and MOST of the time, he doesn't actually know what he is apologising about. He apologises to make the peace, so that peace is restored and alot of the times what motivates him to make peace is the need for sex.

@HermioneGoesBackHome Your comment about 'playing the victim' really rings home especially in the first few years of our relationship. He was very good at making it all about him, and how upset he is about making me upset - it was and is very weird.

Oh yes victim thing here too

Oh yes “ playing the victim”!!!!!!!!! Absolutely!
Mine used that as very deliberate tactic in our early years together. He had worked out that if someone was angry at him, the easiest way to deal with it was pity. Suddenly the angry person ( me , mostly but not always) would immediately soften and start comforting HIM.

I eventually worked it out so it didn’t work on me anymore. If anyone overheard our conversations!! I sounded like such a horrible bi%?h.

Me: I’m really angry that you left me sitting in the restaurant on my own.

Him: I was busy at work.

Me: it was my birthday!!!

Him: my dad left me when I was 4

Me: I don’t care.

Ah goodness, this would be funny if it weren't so damn awful. Victim playing perfected to a fine art by my ex, also. This is the exchange that ended my marriage: Me - "Why did you ignore me when I was self harming during post natal depression five years ago?" Him - "Yes, I knew you were doing it but didn't think it was anything to do with me because I was bullied when I was at school".

@RainSim - yes, I did with my ex. We saw Dr Sabine Dosani. She was very patient.

However, my ex would miraculously only remember the things she said that worked to his advantage. If I did the same and said ‘well, the Dr said X so you’re in the wrong’then we were hanging up on him

Was damn expensive.

*ganging!

@themostinterrstinglife that’s totally like a conversation we would have. I mean it looks completely implausible written down, doesn’t it? That anyone would say something like that!! But yes, you were not the only one!

Yes Slanetylor, and I'm really only starting to understand now, two years on from that conversation, just how shocking the life that I had then is to people that aren't me, if that makes sense. My understanding of what is normal in a relationship had become so completely distorted; his meanness, cruelty and neglect was simply my normal because I was so used to it. But all is good now - I've finally stopped getting teary everytime someone is nice to me! Took me a year or so to get comfortable with being on the receiving end of kindness! It was the response of others, external to the relationship who had never met him, expressing shock at his actions that made me start to realise something was wrong and that wasn't normal.

And, I might add (in case hedgehog is still around!) the fact that his cruelty and neglect might be explained by Aspergers is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned. Whether he could help himself or not, his behaviour had horrible consequences for me that I simply was not, and am not, prepared to forgive. I divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

^this

Rain, I find most of the books useless as they tend to imply the NT partner is supposed to do all the work, which I utterly reject.

The things I’ve found most helpful after Tony Attwood’s book are the brilliant Danish website ( it’s not all in Danish) AspergerPartner, Different Together, the website not, for me, the Facebook site which just feels too public to me, and DT’s recentk6 published book, Different Together, Between you and me. I am involved in DT, so don’t just take my word for it.

The one thing I’ve learned - and it’s shit at the moment — is “Put Yout Own Oxygen Mask on First”. If we are to survive, whether within the partnership or not, we need to look after ourselves first. Look for stuff on reclaiming, self care, wherever you can find it.

I m glad it’s not just me who tends to get teary whenever someone gives me a compliment or is kind. I really struggle when someone says something nice, I always used to brush it off but I’ve learnt to say thank you now. All those years of no compliments, nothing nice ever said have really taken their toll.

Any kind of occasion, birthdays, Christmas, dinners, holidays etc. will quickly degenerate into a psychotic nightmare of passive aggression and demand avoidance.

The last time we spent Christmas at DW family was so awful I can justifiably refuse to go again.

If there is any upside to any of my experiences, it's that I had to work twice as hard in parenting my DD, to protect her as much as I could from her father's behaviour. I think as a result her and I are a lot closer than we would have been otherwise. I have heavily emphasised the importance of kindness with her, particularly when choosing friends and future partners, and I hope that will also make a big difference to how she parents any future children she may have.