Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

RainSim that's exactly how it was for myself and ex husband. Love and marriage for me was about building a life for the two of us and our child, together, as a family; I'd be there for him, he'd be there for me and we would both be there for our child. The reality turned out to be quite different. Marriage for him was about having someone run his life for him, because he was incapable of doing it himself (and then when I was ill and out of action for a couple of years he was resentful, and in his words, he `hated me' during that time, because I was no longer capable of running his life for him. That's when he started being fired from jobs, having personal hygiene issues, shouting at people in the street to the point where they would be in tears...).

Parenting for him was about the ego boost that he could get from boasting about his bright, high achieving child; that all fell apart when said child got old enough to start getting visibly angry and frustrated at his shortcomings (having no food in the house so she would be without for several hours, regularly locking both of them out so they would have to stay at the neighbours house and I would have to leave work early, not getting her to school on time, going to the shops but not taking any means of payment...it goes on!)

Both marriage and parenting were all about the ego boost that he could get, and how perfect our life looked externally. Post-divorce, his incapabilities are now fully exposed for everyone to see, and he is responsible for that himself.

It frustrates me when people with Asperger's are lumped together. The questions on DT mentioned above about AS Vs ArSe behaviour are very helpful. My husband loves me, tries his best to make me happy and sometimes he doesn't understand why I'm upset (and sometimes I get sick of explaining!). He'd always follow the routine so DC would be fed / in bed and cared for in the basic sense. It's just the emotional caring and understanding that my DH struggles with. We all have issues and no one in marriage is perfect. Of course we can let off steam and express our frustrations and support each other but saying people with AS shouldn't be in relationships is sad :( everyone has their tolerance level however.

but saying people with AS shouldn't be in relationships is sad sad everyone has their tolerance level however noone has said that i said most people in this THREAD should because reading their posts they seem to be bad relationships which bring minimal enjoyment to posters.

okthen but it’s so much more complicated than That!
All the people in this thread WANT to make that relationhsip work. We all love (or have loved) our partners and therefore have been ready to do a lot to support them.
That’s why you have people on here being upset, knowing why they are upset and then still trying to find a way to make it work. Because of the deep belief that their partner is a good person with a disability (yes I am aware that a lot of people on the psectrum will not be happy at the idea that autism is a disability) and therefore someone who needs supportvrather than an arsehile they need to get rid off.

Knowing when to draw the line isn’t easy.

And of course, because autistic people are also human, they will also have their own defects (as well as qualities!) which might be hard to live with anyway!

people dont change if youve been in a long term relationship they arnt going to change their behaviour an they might be 'good people' but that is not enough for a life partner you need much more than that ps lots of people make the excuse 'he dosnt mean to be selfish' well whether he means to or not they are still selfish

That’s why you have people on here being upset, knowing why they are upset and then still trying to find a way to make it work. Because of the deep belief that their partner is a good person with a disability (yes I am aware that a lot of people on the psectrum will not be happy at the idea that autism is a disability) and therefore someone who needs support rather than an arsehole they need to get rid off.

I think you have summed it up well here Hermione. I think that's why it hurts when someone like Hedgehog comes barrelling in with their accusations. All of us have tried and/or are trying so hard to make it work because we know that our partners aren't arseholes. I know that my husband is a good man, that he cares but his disability hinders him from showing that. We have good times together it isn't at all as simple as he is an arsehole get rid. I really wish it was.

He knows big smile = happy, tears = sad

Ex's daughter ftom his 1st marriage says this. This is why having threads like this are vital as when she expressed this sentiment I didn't know how to react. My instinct was not to think ASD (it was many years ago) so I was not as helpful as I could have been.
Had she been diagnosed earlier, her life would be easier than it is now. She was diagnosed at Uni.
I know having ASD is difficult and I have empathy but without open discussion many people will not be helped...including those with ASD.I am much more empathic to someone with ASD than narcissism.

Ex's first marriage ended because of the "emotional" side, he could not explain more than that...our marriage ended because of factors relating to ASD and his frustration/ego..Had knowledge of ASD been more known 20 years ago (and with out the stigma) he and everyone around him would he happier.
Ex was bullied at school, he has felt out of place in work, he has few friends and no one close. He has so many obvious ASD traits but he refuses to acknowledge it due to stigma...consequently he has no insight and he is now mostly alone and trusts no one. This is sad...but threads like this will help to disperse knowledge and that can only be a good thing.
I think specialist counselling needed and perhaps that could be the support to relationships. Generic counselling does not work.

I used the term narcistic upthread, but as a behaviour rather than as a condition. I think the self absorbtion and the way partners in particular seem to be taken granted means that there are many similar traits, but it really is a similarity rather than a comorbidity.

its intresting the diffrence mumsnet has betwwen posters whos partners are described as narcs as to posters who describe there posters as Asperger both display bad behaviour both display these acts because there brain is wired differently

Yes since hedgehog brought up narcissism I was wondering the same. I don’t know too much about narcissism personality disorder but I presume people with this condition can’t help it either. It’s the way they are wired. I was wondering if it would be considered abilist to not try and stay and make it work and have empathy for such a partner? I do think the experience for partners of npd and asd have lots of similarities.

• narcissistic personality

I think this is coming form the fact that narcissists are very manipulative and will have no issue hurting someone to get what they want.
My experience with people in the spectrum (family or friends) is that they are very nice people at the core who get very upset when they realise how they have hurt people.

That’s a very big difference and imo ‘feels’ different when you are on the receiving end.

Narcissistic behaviour is different to ASD in that a person with NPD chooses to treat someone in a particular way. It can be covert and they will pretend to be the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful person outwardly. In my experience, people with AS treat almost everyone the same. Yes they can mask for short periods but they won't suddenly know how to understand metaphorical language at work and suddenly be incapable at home. And it's possible for people to have both or either.

to those of you who are struggling. Some of you are in really tough situations. I know this is a platitude, but every one of you really does deserve so much more.

I have also been wondering if my DP has (mild) aspergers. I’ve discounted it in the past because he is very affectionate, loving and considerate and has lots of friends. And in my ignorance I didn’t realise people with aspergers could be like this, but this post has shown me otherwise. He has some of the traits posters here have mentioned, such as obsessively checking doors, cookers, windows and anything that locks. Having obsessive hobbies. Misreading social cues and failing to notice social expectations, such as repeatedly turning up to a regular event where the guests bring food without ever bringing food himself.

Could these just be personality traits that any NT person might have, and I am now overthinking it? Does it matter if it’s Aspergers or not? We are very happy and I don’t think it’s occurred to him as a possibility. But I do worry some of these traits are getting more pronounced as he ages. Both his DF and several members of my own family have Aspergers, but it is unmistakable in their cases as it’s quite extreme.

It could just be his personality @Sloth and becoming more set in his ways. My sister's OCD presents itself as checking and rechecking and counting things. Some people just don't realise that they are expected to take food to events. I had an NT friend who didn't realise it was a nice thing to say thank you when people cooked for him or did other things for him. Glad you are both happy :)

I find DH's behaviours are exaggerated when he is under stress. Some have become more obvious with age, others he has learned work arounds.

As for NPD, I think my Mum is NPD. I've had people comment on it. It's also not her fault and also makes her a challenge to live with. It feels so different though. Completely different. I don't know how to describe it, but definitely different!

I know there are manipulative and it’s a totally different thing. But they can’t really help it either.
I just don’t find the “not being able to help it “ bit a sufficient excuse. I’ve given enough of my life to being a carer. Or maybe I don’t have enough energy to care for my dd and to organise her fathers life anymore.

I've been on the receiving end of someone with narcisstic traits and it's this that has obscured my perception of current DP. I know I've felt similar (in terms of how it has felt for ME) but there's been a difference. My shitbag ex with narc traits was abusive, he totally knew what he was doing, when he was doing it. My current DP just doesn't have a clue. He didn't kiss me goodbye earlier and will have no idea that made me sad, he just doesn't read my cues. My ex would do that on purpose and enjoy me being upset.

I was expecting critique on this thread and it is hard to have these negative feelings. My DP hasn't a clue about how upset I get - I conceal it so as to protect his feelings. He already feels inadequate enough in life.

@PIVOT This is exactly how my DH is. I don't know how to hide it anymore. I feel really tired emotionally.

Me too on feeling emotionally tired. And just really, really sad. I think it’s very complicated to untangle what behaviour is down to what at times because upbringing also plays a huge part. My DH has an emotionally abusive mother who tends to like to shame people, and I think this has paid a factor in his behaviour, even though I think ASD traits are the main culprit.

Grrrr.... Insanity complete insanity today.

So I have a job interview today, I'm a high rate tax payer, so I expect a tough time etc. I leave early, but my car breaks down as I arrive. No biggie, phone DW "it's gonna be a long day, interview then wait for RAC.

We'd arranged a BBQ, I get home to nothing. She was waiting for me. It's 1930 nothing doing. And it's my effing fault.

I call at 1400 to say I'm gonna be late and stressed. DW just says "how was I meant to know" cos I told you "I know but how was I meant to know?" she doesn't believe anything I say...

Thanks for your response, workinprogress You are right of course that many NT people have Aspergers traits (or are just impolite!). It’s probably largely because his DF has it that I sometimes wonder.

Anyone found any books that were helpful?

I've just had a look through Amazon for more help books, and ordered this one: www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Partner-Spouse-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/193457547X?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Sorry, tired and hungry...

Does anyone else find that there partner runs hot and cold? Mine has these outbursts, meltdowns?, every now and then, when he feels resentful about something, and then he can hardly bear to talk to me for a few days. He’s the one who has behaved unreasonably but it’s like I’ve done something wrong.