Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

God yes special diets! Has this come up here yet?! Give me strength!

It makes me sad that someone would come on a thread that is helping so many deeply lonely people connect and try to make it all about them.

Daftasabroom I relate to a lot of what you have said. With my dh it is if he hasn't personally heard of something or experienced something that I am talking about then I am wrong. He has ignored some really good, well researched advice that I have given him in the past simply because he had never heard of it so it couldn't possibly be true. It landed us in a world of shit, then a few months later he heard about what I had been talking about from a professional elsewhere(when it was too late) and came to me saying he should have done x.

This scenario but with less severe consequences than the one I posted above has played out so many times. For ages I actually thought it was me, that I was stupid so it was no wonder he didn't listen to what I said. Being with him really eroded my confidence in so many ways for years. If it isn't his idea he just doesn't 'get it' or a lot of the time I don't think he even hears it tbh.

Rain, it took us 24 years plus to get to the stage where he was prepared to consider a dx, for which we are still waiting even though he ticks all the boxes, one psych has said “ it fairly leaps to the eye, doesn’t it” and his data was submitted 18 months ago. It took a long time before he was prepared to consider he might be on the spectrum at all, say 15 years. But perhaps the following will help:

1. We read The Curious Incident as a bed time story to our child. By th3 end, DH spotted that his reactions were the same as the narrator’s.

2 From time to time I seeded the idea that ASD could be good and recognised, in arts and sciences, using third party opinion ( cf Cassandra syndrome) including eg from The Economist, FT, sources he would respect, I mentioned Sara Hendrickx and that she made a lot of sense and was on the spectrum 3 I did the online tests, ASD, ADHD, alexithymia, and tried to persuade him to do them too 4 I joined Different Together and started working on some of the strategies suggested there. 5 I wish we’d got a dx before now: I would now add that it would have helped manage expectations at work, I now ensure we mention it when dealing with bureaucrats in medical, legal, even transport infrastructures. I think one could make something of this. I suspect it makes it harder to get a job but easier to keep it once got. 6 DH is learning his trigger points now as a result. 7 And although initially unwilling to do the questionnaires, we ended up doing them together, quickly like a Cosmo one, not questioning every word, noting where we differed as well as where we agreed. We did them in a no blame environment and we agreed we were not looking to produce what we thought the desired or expected or normal answer was, just what the facts were. Once he realised he could trust me on this he did the alexithymia one by himself. 8 I pointed put that a spectrum is a spectrum and it’s prob non linear. So he remains individual, even though he has similarities to others on the spectrum. 9 I’ve pointed out that DT is there to help, not blame. 10 He is now prepared to tell people he’s on the spectrum.

I hope hedgehog does not return. My ex husband does not have an official diagnosis because he is still on a waiting list that his GP put him on seven months ago, to see an appropriate professional. But when my child's mental health professional asks, when I am describing my child's father's behaviour, if he has Aspergers, then I'm going to take that as a fairly strong indication that he probably does. That's the mental health professional that my daughter sees once a week, to be able to cope with the consequences of having been on the receiving end of her father's behaviour for ten years. This man also, in addition to bullying his daughter to the point where she says she doesn't feel `mentally or physically safe' with him, was quite happy to turn the other cheek when I was in the depths of despair with post natal depression, post traumatic stress and dissociative disorders due to birth trauma, after giving birth to his child. He said those weren't his problems to deal with, that he never felt any sympathy for anyone who was in trouble, and that he hated me during that period of time, when my daughter was a newborn.

I will find it very difficult to tolerate someone like hedgehog, who has the audacity to suggest some of us might not have been understanding or tolerant enough of our partner's Aspergers. I couldn't give a flying f**k whether he has been formally diagnosed or not. I have enough evidence to suggest he has it, and tried for over a decade to support him at enormous personal cost. Divorcing him to protect my daughter is the best thing I have ever done. Marrying him in the first place is the one big regret of my life.

Sorry for the rant! Just had to get that off my chest!

This thread has been invaluable for me, and I'm grateful to the many wise posters on here.

I posted on this thread for the first time earlier today, and in all honesty I felt like I was coming home.

I then checked back only to see @AutisticHedghog 's posts, and that safe feeling ripped open. I had to go to tend to my ds but I'm very glad to have come back and seen people's responses.

AustistcHedghog - this thread is not about you. You are entitled to your feelings, but please don't come into our space and be so rude and unkind and expect us to have sympathy for you. Many of us have had our partners repeatedly tell us we don't know what we're talking about (often to later have to admit we were right). They do this in a very categoric way, using harsh, absolute language. And oh god, the facts, the fucking 'facts'. Facts that actually are every emotionally skewed - put through their filter. Facts about what certain words mean so that by the time everyone is exhausted arguing about semantics the main point has been depressingly waylaid ...

My DH is not diagnosed. Because he refuses to get a diagnosis. Even though he has in the past joked about being in the spectrum. Even though our son is diagnosed. Even though several of my DH's close blood relatives have been diagnosed. Even though my DS's psychologist, part of her diagnostic team, commented on these traits in my DH after interviewing him and I both separately and together.

Believe me, I'm not saying I think he has it after reading one sodding article. This is a 19 year marriage, a diagnosed child and lots of evidence - yes, evidence - that he has it.

Do I think he's emotionally cold? Sometimes - absolutely. Artic cold. He admits this himself - that it's an issue and not ideal. Has he worked on this and other traits? Yes, absolutely, hugely. Is it still an issue? Er, yeah. Always going to be. Is he still capable of demonstrating great love and warmth? Again, absolutely. Have I given him leeway and adapted to him? All the time, in ways I can't even describe.

So I'm damned if I'm going to apologise to you for being thankful for this space where finally, for the first time properly, there's been a lot of people who clearly are experiencing very similar things to me.

It’s worth reading about alexithymia if you haven’t, the inability to feel or to recognise emotion. It’s a common comorbidity. It explains a lot in a lot of AS people. Some are overwhelmed by emotion but have no idea what sort it is or how to channel it. Some can’t feel anything. Some can.

I used to continue a thread for NT partners ( started by another MNr, Hermione perhaps you are her? A really wise person) in an area fairly safe from critics, but my ME is such I haven’t done so for some time. I could start it off again, if that would help, but realistically others would prob need to take on refreshing it when my ME brain forgets. Is anyone interested? If so, PM me, I’ll start it and email you to let you know where it will be. Otherwise, once again I recommend different-together.co.uk

The vast majority of people on this thread (I spent yesterday doing the analysis) are referring to undiagnosed partners. Of course some could well be, but some of the partners are probably just tossers: being a toddler or jerk is not the preserve of autistic people.
i jope youre not suggesting haing aspergers gives you the right to be a 'jerk'
Read some proper literature. Don’t just propagate the myths that you hear others spout. why are you assuming people on this thread did not
Sorry for the typos but this thread has really really upset me with it’s ableism. typical non apology

some people on this thread are making sweeping statements and drawing significant conclusions without the qualification to do so. like saying posters parners ect are do not have aspergers but are narcastic by saying
It has made me FEEL sad. not angry - sad why the threads not about you
I don't understand the "i'll bite" comment form Hermione - as it implies that I was trying to upset people and I wasn't. And I don't like being accused of not being kind when I was actually trying to tell you that the sweeping generalisations some people were making were not kind to me they had nothing to do with you and you said This is an utterly depressing thread full of people who don’t understand Asperger or autism making wild assumptions about how Asperger’s presents itself. funny way of being kind by stating the thread is full of people who dont understand aspergers (with no evidence) almost as if you were making an 'wild assumption' so i dont believe you were trying to be kind as you wouldnt of said that.

Orlanda, I was pointed to your other thread quite a while ago. It was very quiet there, and of course no one New ever saw it. So many people have joined this thread as it has gone on, it would be a shame to hide it away from newbies. Just IMO, though. Hopefully, there will only be the occasional person arrive to tell us we're wrong.

Thank you to everyone who has mentioned alexthymia. It has been enlightening!

We recently had a counseling session (with someone specialising in AS). My husband said he hasn't felt happy for years. When the counselor asked what happiness would feel like to him / in his body, he couldn't describe it. When we did mindfulness and a body scan, he couldn't say how he felt.

He can't read my expressions well. He knows big smile = happy, tears = sad (sometimes) and even when I'm cross, I have to explain it.

Learning so much and hoping it will help us in the future.

This is my last post to Hedgehog with the hope she will read it.

My comment ‘I’ll bite’ is for the reason I’ve highlighted in my first post to you.
This thread is not the first thread where NT partners are trying to talk about the autistic partners. Every single time, one or several people on the spectrum have come to enlighten us about how we don’t know anything, don’t understand and that the struggle we have has nothing to do with autism but everything to do with the fact the person is a ‘jerk’.
It has in the past been so bad that people ended up ‘hidding’ in a special corner of MN to be able to carry on their discussion (the OOTBT) because their feelings and their struggles were pulled apart every single time. And driven away of what could have been a nice support for them.
I was on one of those threads. One where I ‘met’ the founder of Different Together when she was putting the website up.

The last thing I wanted to see on this thread was how, AGAIN, One group of people was happy to push their own vision of the world onto others.
And for the NT partners to end up alone again with no support and no way out.

Let's keep this thread going!

Orlando thank you for suggesting reading about alexithymia specifically. I had read about inability to read and expressing emotions but had not seen it specifically termed as alexithymia.

I have more to say to @AutisticHedgehog

What a shame that you haven’t taken the opportunity to see this thread as an insight into how some ASD behaviour, (possibly including yours), may make the people around you feel.

The number one problem I have with my DH is him dismissing my feelings because he doesn’t think they’re warranted. He -and you - deciding what I am entitled to think and feel is very wrong, regardless of whether it’s ASD, narcissism or something else that causes you to think that.

And before you say I’m being hypocritical - I repeat what I said before that you’re entitled to your feelings and thought. But you’re not entitled to impose them on others in a space that is for them and not you.

I’m a bit Aspie but it’s never made life unbearable for anyone else. My partner was not autistic but his peculiarities spoiled our DCs’ whole childhoods. When I told them I was leaving him, they asked why I had stayed with him so long.
DCs and I started a happy new life and they never wanted to see him again, they had never known love from him and nor had I.

One of the things I found hard about my situation with DH was the contradictions. I knew he was a nice person. I knew he could be kind and caring. He's actually really lovely with babies and toddlers- at his best, even.

It never really occurred to him that I needed that nurturing too, though. A lot of his behaviour make him sound like a selfish jerk, as Hedgehog suggests, but he isn't. Not at all.

Very happy not to start it again. When it was begun, it was because people like Autistic hedgehog had been critical on other posts and there was in addition a group which maintained that people who were in partnerships and work were not autistic, and another group which maintained that autism stopped at 18. Thank heaven the latter two no longer exists thanks to substantial education re ASD. There was a fourth group which told us we had no right to complain, it was parents of Autistic children who were the only people who suffered.

By the way, I’m sorry if my drafting misled people, as it clearly did Autistic Hedgehog. AS traits, AS with or without a diagnosis can all make a partnership tricky. It doesn’t have to be diagnosed or be sufficient for a diagnosis . I just didn’t want to extend the debate at that point.

My DH thinks it is a good thing i don't get emotional if he hugely upsets me. He recently told me he wants an open marriage. I was hugely upset about it and really hurt. He just couldn't upset why I was upset and told me I was being a drama queen. In fact he expected me to have sex with him after 2 days of throwing that bomb shell on me. I don't think I love him anymore, I've become numb. And to be honest I don't think he cares if I love him or not, as long as I give him what he wants, which includes hugs cuddles and sex. The thing is a decent man, just emotionally void and very very selfish, and can't cope with me being unwell or not there for him, but can't be there for me (feels it's a huge burden if asked). I'm sometimes wonder why I am still with him ...

• Exists? Exist! Not that they were formal groups, just communities of like - minded people which made it difficult to put one’s head above the parapet when contending with so much else.

@picklemepopcorn your post is spot on, it is the contradictions. My DH is absolutely amazing with my son. Really I couldn't have asked for a better father, but he is a crap husband and a crap son and sibling. The thing is he really really considerate when he is in the outside world (which to be fair isn't very often as he prefers to be indoors alot). Understanding he has Aspies helps me digest his behaviour but goodness it is very very hard to live with day in and day out.

Rain, he may be “ selfish “ because he has no theory of mind, in other words it may not be deliberate. But if he knows he is upsetting you and continues to do so, does not make an effort, then my view is run for the hills.

On Different Together there is a subsection under Talk of Basic Questions that are quite useful to ask oneself. You might find them helpful. I also recommend the self care sub threads, esp the ones called reclaiming. (But then I would , wouldn’t I.) I’m sure there are other fora with excellent advice too.

Bedknobs, I suggest that’s because you’re nice, put a lot of effort in, and he isn’t! Everyone is different. If people make an effort to adapt and support their partners, that’s reasonable in my view; if they don’t then I think they are to be avoided...

@OrlandaFuriosa it isn't deliberate but it is so so exhausting to constantly having to 'correct' him which he takes as criticism. I feel horrible when I have to do that. I think I've reached a stage of just being fed up. I've spent 10 years trying different things to make him love me the way I loved him.

On another note, what does love mean to your partners? My DH and I have completely different definitions of love. To me love is about putting that person before you, to him it's about what he gets out of loving that person.