Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

This is an utterly depressing thread full of people who don’t understand Asperger or autism making wild assumptions about how Asperger’s presents itself.

There seems to be an overwhelming view that Asperger people are nasty spiteful and cold. Whilst some may be (as some NT are) many are not.

The heartless Asperger’s site is a hate site.

Read some proper literature. Don’t just propagate the myths that you hear others spout.

We have feelings, but don’t always know how to communicate
We suffer from anxiety and depression because we recognise we are different
Being manipulative and sly is absolutely not an Asperger trait - we like honestly and directness. We like to trust.

We are told we lack empathy yet it’s us that are meant to change to fit in with “your” emotionally -charged NT world. You apparently don’t need to make accommodations for us - we make you empty husks apparently. Wow, your compassion is overwhelming.

The vast majority of people on this thread (I spent yesterday doing the analysis) are referring to undiagnosed partners. Of course some could well be, but some of the partners are probably just tossers: being a toddler or jerk is not the preserve of autistic people.

Really horrible nasty comments on this thread and hose of you with genuinely autistic partners, I really hope you can find a place in your heart for them if you genuinely love them.

Having Asperger’s is an intensely lonely place. Please have some empathy.

I do worry about DS2s Social skills sometimes- he isn't autistic but the men around him are. Also, as a family we tolerate things that would be odd in other homes- walking out of a room/going out without saying anything.

It's a bit like that for us, Daft. He sounds as though he is always right, has such an air of finality when he speaks. It sounds like he's telling everyone else they are wrong. He can repeat what I have said and the tone of his voice suggests he is correcting me!

DH has made great progress- he no longer changes the channel while I am watching something. He still stands between me and the tv though.

Sorry for the typos but this thread has really really upset me with it’s ableism.

AutisticHedgehog, I don't think anyone says ASD people are cold & spiteful.I do think childhood nurturing or lack of it and ASD can make for signifcant challenges.

This can be true for NT people but ASD adds an additional layer for miscommunication.

I think undiagnosed partners is an issue as then there is no understanding on both sides.
Ex did online tests and he scored very highly for ASD but he refused to have a formal diagnosis. I think that is where it went wrong and I agree for him it was about the stigma, which is a real shame.

However his childhood was abusive..so we might have been able to get over ASD but we couldn't get over both issues, especially given ASD unacknowledged.

I think this is a space for partners to share experiences, the comment about needing years to adjust to change was a revelation to me...I kinda of knew it but had not articulated it, seeing someone else spell it out was useful. Ex is a Ex but we still have dc to co parent so that info will help me.

This thread is for support, many people are still in relationships so the info may help to save those relationships, rather than be seen as all negative.

Well, Autistic Hedgehog, I can understand that but you’ve upset me in turn by not recognising that it’s very hard both sides but furthermore some of us on this thread have tried to put the balanced position, pointing out we love our partners, that there are upsides, suggesting things that can help both sides, suggesting that there is, for example, a clear difference between being a shit and AS, and suggesting that alexithymia is a common comorbidity. It’s an area where there is limited support for partners.

The thread was addressed to people with partners on the spectrum. It takes ages to get a diagnosis, as we know, and some people are highly averse to recognising that there could be an issue and subjecting themselves to diagnosis. So of course there will be uncertainty.

But if your point was that people can confuse bad behaviour with AS, I agree; if your point was that not enough people understand AS, I agree, especially counsellors, and my third point is that a vanishingly small number of people understand what it’s like for the partner.

Orlanda - on this thread, when I started analysing yesterday morning, out of 103 posters, 7 stated partners/relatives were formally diagnosed, another 17 I assumed had formal diagnosis, but 57 stated they suspected or it was undiagnosed.

So I don't accept that this thread is about supporting those with a diagnosed partner (and I note you do, so of course you need support, as your DH will also need support as he will not understand all of your behaviour). But at least you posted some helpful books and links - not just a link to a hate website.

But less that 25% of the posters on this thread (at~10:30am yesterday) had a formally diagnosed partner. The majority were people who read one (very disparaging) article and said - yes my DH is like that, so he must be undiagnosed.

My experience of telling people about my diagnosis is that they don't believe me because I don't fit the stereotype. cold, calculating men who make their wives miserable.

And part of the problem is that when people (like me) first confide in their (very few) friends, they get laughed at because we don't fit the stereotype. So we spend even more of our life adrift.

So yes, I'm all for people in ASD/NT relationships seeking support. And yes it is hard - my DH is very understanding. But I'm so, so upset at people piling in describing nasty, possible psychopathic (in terms of lack of empathy), narcistic men as "probably ASD" it really upsets me.

and lifebeginsat50 - if you go back and read some of the comments, you'll find some pretty nasty and ignorant stuff there.

Autistic people are all different - just like NTs are all different. Stop painting us all as the same. it's extraordinarily unhelpful.

It's about emotions, not statistics hedgehog. Most of us here understand that aspergers comes in very different shapes and forms and therefore we are not painting everyone with the same brush or generalising. We are talking about our personal struggles and we are not attacking you. We have never met you.

autisticHedgehog ok I’ll bite.

You seem to think that most posters who are grumbling in this thread shouldn’t be labelling their partner as being in the spectrum because they are not officially diagnosed. The assumption seems to be that, if they are not officially diagnose, then they can’t be autistic and they are just tossers p.
So my question is:
Do you really think that all high functioning autistic people are diagnosed?

If they are not, what do you think happens to the life of those people who go through the world struggling (and yes they are) but with no idea that the way they are or the way they see the world is NOT the way most people approach things? They are struggling sure but so are the partners who are faced with unusual behaviours and no explanation at all about it as well as no idea on how to make it better/support that partner. Basically it’s a recipe for failure. Failure that so many people experience in this thread.

Each and every single time that a partner of someone with (usually undiagnosed) autism have posted in MN, they’ve got a backlash from someone on the spectrum telling us that we dint know anything, haven’t read enough on the subject. That really people on the spectrum are all full of empathy but dint know how to show it, never sly or manipulative with the seemingly consequence that they can’t possibly hurt someone, unless they are also a twat (whic is totally possible after all).

The reality though is that living with someone who is in the spectrum is HARD. And I wish people who are on the spectrum would recognise that. I also wish that women in the spectrum would recognise that their experience of being on the spectrum is just that, the experience of one person. That there is as many presentation of autism as there are people. And in particular that their expwrienve of being in the spectrum as women will NOT be the same than men (see the fact that men and women present very differently).

I personally have spent plenty of time reading the books from all the ‘recommended’ authors. I’ve tried to implement all those advices. I’ve given him the benefit if the doubt more often not than I care to remember.
Deep down he is and always has been a nice guy who doesn’t want to hurt people. That’s why 18 years on, I’m still here.

But it doesn’t change the fact that his behaviour was and still is hurtful. that I don’t feel connected to him or that he never express his feelings or worries or hopes for the future. (Note I do appreciate he actually CANT do that).
That he often reads situations wrong so sex is crap. Etc etc

And those things hurt, EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THE REASON ISNT MALICE BUT A SN.

So I appreciate that being in the spectrum is hard. And t it is even harder to read the effect it can have on your partner.
But I bloody wish that people in the spectrum wouod also appreciate that being a partner of someone on the spectrum is hard too.
And that partners, long suffering partners, can also have a real good idea of their spouse is in the spectrum or not. Because it’s not because someone isn’t diagnosed they aren’t on the spectrum. And because people who have come to that conclusion have done so after a lot of reading and soul searching (and often after having gone through the process for one of their child too).

Think about it, how wouod you feel of someone was automatically treating the autistic behaviour from someone as just being a tossers because they aren’t diagnosed, only to find out afterwards that actually they are in the spectrum. Wouldnt you have wished people around had at least tried to understand and help?

Hedgehog, we've all said that our partners are different from each other but have surprising similarities.

People in their late 40s are very unlikely to be diagnosed so many people with long marriages are unlikely to be diagnosed.

In my area, it's really hard to get to diagnosis.

Several of us have repeatedly mentioned that our partners are also adjusting to us.

My DH and DS may not have a formal diagnosis, but DN and DGN do.

I think you are extrapolating from your own experiences of prejudice.

It’s about facts - my statistic was a fact; some people on this thread are making sweeping statements and drawing significant conclusions without the qualification to do so. Some are are also being ableist. But anything neurological seems to be fair game to some people.

Well said Hermione. Much more eloquently put than my post.

Autistic Hedgehog: This is a support thread for the partners of people with diagnosed/undiagnosed Aspergers. Whatever the diagnosis (or not), we have all experienced some very difficult behaviours and have also felt desperately alone. We do not need guilt tripping, these are our lives as well.

Statistics as facts.
But statistic never represent the reality.

If statistic say that 80% of people with autism are empathic, it doesn’t mean that the autistic person living with me will be.
It just means that it’s more likely they will be empathic. Not that they are.

Also there different ways to approach a problem. One is to is to stick to facts. But that will only give you part of the picture.
Another is to also look at feelings and emotions and intuitions. All of which have their place in our live and in how we take decisions and relate to people.

What you are saying is that you only believe someone with the relevant training. That’s exactly what my H would do. And how he deeply hurt me in the process because he could NOT comprehend how exhausted I was from ‘doing nothing’. It took a diagnosis from a consultant for him to start recognising the ME.
It was very hurtful to me that he only trusted a doctor.
It would be hurtful to undiagnosed autistic people to be treated as such ONLY when they (finally) got a diagnosis

@AutisticHedgehog
Hate to point this out to you, but you are basically proving EVERYONES point on this thread.
I will say nicely, without facts, this thread is emotionally not for you.

No one on this thread wants to hear another word from someone pointing out they are FACTUALLY wrong. This isn’t about FACTS. Most people on here no longer give a shit about facts or statistics, they care about how they FEEL

Jesus.

Can anyone advise me please on how i can encourage my DH to get a formal diagnosis for Aspergers? We have alot of problems which I believe are due to him being Aspergers, but he thinks there's not much wrong with our relationship and seems to want to continue living in oblivion, as it doesn't affect him (or so far it hasn't). I'm at the end of my tether with our issues, which essentially stems down to him having no understanding at all of things from my perspective or the consequences of his actions or lack of action.

the main reason my dh isn't diagnosed is because he has a strong belief that most psychiatrists are hacks, and has never found one he thinks knows more about his brain than he does. There have been plenty of times and plenty of crises where I've tried to get him to see a psychiatrist to no avail. In fact when I realized that HF Autism fit, I felt closer to him than I have for a few years.

I explained to him a while ago that we've had several crises where he's shut down and the first thing he does is stop non-essential talking - the worst time for about 8 months.

We have several other people in ours and our dcs' generations currently undergoing diagnosis in our family.

Rain, I wish I knew, I hope someone does.

rain I don’t know.... esp if he doesn’t trust said doctors.

Basically diagnosis’s as a child = ok this is it

You try and persuade a 45 + year old successful person that they need to go get one? Go for your life, it isn’t going to happen easily

My sisters job is to diagnose people with autism. That’s her actual job. If she thinks someone is autistic, guess what I believe her, without facts or statistics

Well, it had to happen one day. Autistic hedgehog, this thread is for us, the people dealing with partners, husbands, etc who have traits, undiagnosed or not, that make being with them difficult.

I am a fairly robust sort of person, but not everyone is.

If you can’t be kind then this thread really isn’t for you, we don’t need your anger here.

I would hate someone who is feeling supported here to stop posting because to be honest, until this thread I have never been with people who understood what it is like to be married to someone with an aspergers diagnosis.

I’m not married to someone with aspergers, but I have a sister, a brother and a father, and most likely an uncle who have it.
And this thread has been enlightening, non judgmental, even when I have felt a bit angry about it all, especially my dad, no one has shot me down for probably being a bit too angry.

And everyone has been so supportive of each other and listened with empathy. No matter how hard the struggles are.

@daftasabroom I am reading and empathizing with your posts! We’ve similar stories to tell I think. Keep posting.

Perhaps hedgehog wants us all to leave our partners? If we can't talk about it, try and understand it better, share ideas to make it work, let off steam... how can we survive it?

Hedgehog, do you listen to people in real life and allow them to have a different perspective from yours?

OK, I think even I have picked up that I'm unwelcome. Last post and I'll fuck off back to my autistic den of unkindness.

I stand by my original points:

1. I find this thread ableist
2. It has made me FEEL sad. not angry - sad
3. Many people are drawing conclusions about partners being autistic without understanding that just because someone has some traits doesn't mean they are autistic.

I know many of you will be supportive partners looking for support yourselves and I really genuinely hope you find it. I am an utter arsehole at times and I despise myself, but I also know that I am a good person too (mostly).

But many people, in my opinion, have come to a conclusion based on lack of facts. And it seems like narcistic traits are being blamed, without clinically significant evidence, are being put down to autism. ASD seems like a convenient explanation - and that makes it harder for those of us who are desperate for a diagnosis (which I got, but it was a troublesome journey)

I don't understand the "i'll bite" comment form Hermione - as it implies that I was trying to upset people and I wasn't. And I don't like being accused of not being kind when I was actually trying to tell you that the sweeping generalisations some people were making were not kind to me - and made me FEEL bad. I genuinely don't understand why my feelings are being dismissed.

eightfaces - facts are important. facts are the truth. and feelings are important too. Both need to be respected.

Good luck. Be nice. We may seem like arseholes to NT people, but actually many of us are just struggling.

Well said theboxofdelights . I am grateful for this threat with all its emotion and non data based but very real experiences. I have read posts and websites for years but this is the first one I have felt comfortable engaging with.

We are not alone, even when it feels as if we are.

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