Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Misty, you are not, repeat not,a failure. You have put your best into this. What more could you have done? I bet very little.

Far better to protect yourself now. Very best wishes.

Misty you are not a failure. In what way di you feel you have failed?

H also seemed lighter after we decided and we had a friendlier warmer chat than we had in a while. I would say don't assume he is fine later on just because he shows no emotion overtly. I think mine is stressed by all the change.

So sorry Misty . We can totally understand why this happens, but it always makes me sad to read of another marriage breaking down.

I hope you & your family all reach an inner peace & contentment in your new lives in the future.

eughtfaces I agree. DH protects me, goes the extra mile and more because of my ME. It makes him extra tired, extra stressed, but he does it. For me there’s a clear distinction there. I do have to ask him to do some things but today he helped me wheel two bikes to the repair shop having dealt with a difficult padlock, he offered to get the car to bring me back, he picked up my clothes from the dry cleaner without being asked, he helped me book hotels. It was hard for him at first to get his head round but he has done so, at no small effort. That’s one of the reasons why I can say he tries so hard.

I just don't feel loved. I feel so incredibly lonely.

I deeply suspect that this may be my lot.

I think I feel I’ve failed because, I read a lot of accounts of asd partners and how cruel and aggressive they can be, and my dh just isn’t like that. He’s just a bit self focused and doesn’t think. But he does more than his share of parenting grunt work (I’ve got health issues which mean I’m tired a lot), he looks after me physically and cares about my welfare, he supports me to do what I need re work (except relocating), he cooks, he is an amazing dad. But we don’t have sex, I don’t feel special or attractive, he can’t support me emotionally, he hates spontaneity (I love it) and we have very little in common except kids.

So I feel I’ve failed because surely I can try harder to make it okay. But I know I’ve tried my best. And failed :(

You haven't failed misty you are being honest and brave. I doubt this is a rash decision. All the best in whatever the next move is.

Aloe totally get what you are saying about being young etc and the rest / what you were used to when you first met .

daftas

DH protects me, goes the extra mile and more because of my ME
You see my H doesn't. Or rather only did in the last 3~4 years because he had no choice. I stopped pushing myself so hard to do everything. The result is him saying/thinking he is doing a lot, often been resentful and making me understand in a PA way I exaggerate. And then he is doing stuff like doing the washing up but so badly I end up doing it again the morning after.

My guess is that he has learnt a very old fashion way of doing things. And now that's it's imprinted on his whiteboard he can't (or doesnt want to?) change it.
Before I reached a really bad state (I couldn't even go up the stairs but was still expected to do 95% of the hw and parenting) I spent years been told I was just lazy..,,,

My FIL is the same. My MIL told me before that her only regret in life is that she had never met her soul mate :( She us currently struggling because FIL is ill and he is a nightmare to deal with...,,
But when she had open heart surgery a couple of years ago, he still did f all. Two days after been back home, she was back cooking.

daft
Please remember that you always have the choice.
Maybe you will need some time to get organised (I needed a few years to be well enough to physically cope with been single) but there is always a way out.

to all on here.

I'm fairly sure Dh is somewhere along the AS continuum. I think I've lost track of how much I've had to take on and how far we've travelled from having a 'normal' partnership now.

Just to give a couple of examples....I'm pretty self-contained by nature and a quiet person but Dh often makes me feel like some sort of emotionally incontinent drama-queen for expressing quite normal feelings because he just doesn't 'do' emotions. Not that he shouts or anything, but it's obvious that he simply can't grasp why I'm angry, or sad, or upset about something.

He also tends to be rigid in his thinking in many ways. Eg we both go to a social thing (mainly at my encouragement) that meets on certain days, but it's a loose arrangement, so the day often gets changed. He can't cope with this and is forever going on to me about how we MUST stick to the arranged day, that's what was AGREED, it's not good enough! When I point out that the day's been changed because people are away and keeping to the original day means only 2 people will be there instead of, say, 15, he still can't see it. Or he can, because I'm explaining that socially that's better, but he won't really accept it because it's not right

There's more. Of course.

Hermione, I think that’s bad behaviour, it’s not all attributable to AS. The AS may mean he initially doesn’t understand what he’s got to do, or forgets it, ( and DH is poor at washing up, he can put things in the dishwasher but always forgets the glasses and pots and pans, sigh, rant) but he basically reminds himself constantly I’ve got ME and tries to help. There’s a real distinction between AS and bad behaviour. And I honour him for the effort. I know I’d be very resentful and bitter if he behaved as your DH appears to do. So sorry.

Hout I love the expression 'emotionally incontinent drama queen'. I've been made to feel I'm like this and it's taken two years of therapy for me to accept my feelings are normal. I've finally realised I'm not a total fuck-up but that I'm just reacting to frustrating situations...

bean - they pretend. They know you have to behave a certain way to 'get' a partner, there's enough stuff in the media for them to know that you should kiss, hold hands, take your partner out to dinner, etc etc.

But as soon as they feel comfortable they drop the act because nobody really needs any of it. You can live without holding hands and kissing and stuff, so they don't see any reason to do it any more.

You fall in love with the person you think they are. It's the same with abusive partners, they don't start out by hitting their partner, they pretend to be reasonable normal human beings, the behaviour only starts when they think they've 'got you'.

And by the time they let the mask drop, you already love them (or the person they pretended to be), and you blame yourself. It must be something that you are doing that makes them withdraw affection/shout/fuss about housework.

cardeys, exactly. And it then makes me more wound up that he's so passive. Tbh I'm guilty of overdoing it sometimes, probably to try and push him to actually show some sort of reaction to situations that most people would find exasperating, but I guess I should accept by now that he just.....won't.

His father was very, erm, contained and rule-driven, and his dsis is, if anything, even more introverted and set in her ways. I wonder if it's a family thing to an extent.

Thank you to all those who replied.
It is enlightening.

This thread has made me quite sad.
DS, 23, with AS has a serious girlfriend. He says she accepts him as he is.
I want to tell her to run for the hills.
I think of my mother, longing for my father to be romantic (never happened) and although he was very self-contained and never difficult he was 'just there'. I was stunned at school to discover the relationships other girls had with their fathers. He had strong aversions to smells, eg furniture polish, washing powder, perfume (which I have myself to some extent) and my mother had to be careful what she used.
They lived apart for many years, although they stayed friends.
This thread just made me see the reality. DS' girlfriend knows quite a bit about autism, but knowing about it and living with it are two different things.

As much as I complain about DP we do have really good times together.

We spent last night cuddling in bed while he read me his current book on memory and old age. Some might not find that romantic, but it was with lots of giggling and he actually kept stroking my hair..

It takes two people to make a relationship work. I wouldn't want to change it for the world having my extremely nerdy partner even though I do spend serval nights per month crying because he doesn't get me.

Don't tell her to run for the hills as long as she's happy

This thread has made me quite sad.
DS, 23, with AS has a serious girlfriend. He says she accepts him as he is.
I want to tell her to run for the hills.

I get that.
Ds2 is as much in the spectrum as H is.
I am sad for him because I know he will always find relationships difficult.
I’m worried for any potential girlfriend because I know how hard it will be.
I appreciate that H is both an arsehole and an aspie. But I also believe that part of him being an arsehole is him who has learnt a lot of very damaging ways of looking at life (both very sexist and with a ‘be strong’ attitude to life) which has compounded any problem.
And I can see ds2 displaying quite a few of those ideas as he is becoming a full on teenager (he has learnt well form his dad :() I’m absolutely not sure that I can undo that tbh.

Atm I prefer not to think about it.

Bean, this sums up the start of my relationship with DH, completely swept off my feet by a gorgeous tree of a man at the top of his game.

I am very straightforward, didn't imagine he was lying about who he was. I remember feeling uncomfortable when he was secretive with his tech a few months after we got married, sort of realising that he wasn't the same as me, I don't do secrets well, I am an open book.

It took years for him to admit it to me and more years for him to change into the person he is now. I first found out about a particularly unpleasant illness in his family when we had an appointment with a genetic consultant after I had multiple miscarriages.

He is very very deep and a closed book, I have provided a comfortable home for him (homely things are not on his radar) and am a great cook/enjoy cooking - but he certainly doesn't need me as a husband needs a wife.

He would appear to be quite caring if you met him, but it is so superficial.

Thank you theboxofdelights.

Those of you worrying about your ND children and their NT partners, I am hoping that DS's knowledge of ASD will help him. I intend to talk with him and any girlfriend he becomes serious with, and offer support. I wish someone who understood DH had mentored me in the early days!

However, as DS has yet to be friends with a girl, talk to a girl, socialise with a group etc I think I'm unlikely to need to !

Hi, I'm joining in. Big issue in my marriage is that I think DH has Aspergers and he thinks I'm talking shite.

Reading some of your posts is too painful to bear as on a quick skim read I've already related to several things. Will have to take a deep breath and read more.

We also have a son with v high functioning autism and it is very hard when I'm trying to teach DS things but their Dad is modelling their instinctive behaviour. Another big issue is that when DH is emotionally distant, which is often, I feel so incredibly lonely.

One of the things I have real difficulty with is met with scorn or questioning or disagreement, it makes everyday conversation almost impossible.

I think the reason is that ASCs don't naturally try to understand another persons point of view. Their instinct is that if isn't their idea they're not interested. DW has built on this to the extent that if I agree with her she will still tell me I'm wrong.

Oops, everything I say is met with