Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Eightfaces, because it’s a processing disorder with limited or no theory of mind and a common comorbidity of alexithymia.

That removes the blame. It does not remove the responsibility for effort. If someone is not prepared to make an effort, is a shit or abusive, run for the hills, in my view.

Enough from me..

Boxofdelights, sounds like financial abuse to me, potentially other emotional abuse. I think I’d be doing what you are. Hope it goes well, strength and courage and best wishes to you.

I don't think it is financial abuse Orlanda, he is just an incredibly selfish man, thankfully I earn 20% more than him and steer my own path.

I am really lucky, I took a long break to support his career and be with DD who had health issues, going back to work properly when she had almost finished primary school.

I used to be a really high earner but am now very happy earning half of what I used to earn as we left London.

The selfishness may be part character, part AS (Theory of Mind), who knows.

I’m glad it’s not financial abuse, so often there is in these relationships, even if it’s the refusal to engage, disclose anything. It makes life horribly uncertain. It’s really hard.

Good luck, cherish yourself, it sounds as though you are well on the way, and enjoy the freedom.

I accept that a lot of things will be harder for him than for me

That’s something I have heard a lot about. How extremely hard it is for people with AS.
I’m questioning that. I am ILL with ME because of what has happened in the relationship. Because if the stress and me bending I et backwards, making all the efforts etc... so surely, living with someone with AS has been VERY HARD on me.
H is... well the same as usual. He is getting whatever he needs form the relationship. Me backing up a lot this last year seems to have made things even better for him (or he has finally understood that something is really wrong and he had to make a tiny little bit of an effort?? Who knows)

It also, ime, foster an environment where behaviours are more or less always associated with the SN. Rather than attributed to plain bad behaviour. And the reality is, how in earth do you know??
If H chooses AGAIN an activity for the weekend that I am going to struggle to do. Despite knowing for more than 3 years I have ME and I can do very few of the ‘physical’ activities he enjoys (aka walking). Is it because he doesn’t get it because of the AS? Or is it because he is very self centred and cant be bothered to make an effort to do something I will enjoy?

That’s why I ended my marriage. The thought of the next 40 odd years being all about him, me accommodating his needs, changing my approach, for what? He’s never going to surprise me with a gift, suggest a day out I would love, look after me. I couldn’t do it. The thought of retiring and spending all our time together in silence filled me with dread. Yes I could try every technique under the sun? He could make an effort, but I just couldn’t guarantee this would happen consistently. I deserve a good life filled with experiences and memories. He would never give me that. I now have a chance to live the life I want and deserve. I realise this may sound selfish from me, but this life ain’t no rehearsal.

I’m glad it’s not financial abuse, so often there is in these relationships, even if it’s the refusal to engage, disclose anything. It makes life horribly uncertain. It’s really hard.

I had never attributed this down to aspergers ..... he is so secretive. Always has been. It is like living on egg shells. I gave up work to look after the children because he is incapable so busy. He has done some horrendous things financially, some of which I constantly questioned the legality but of course, how dare I question anything, he is far superior to anyone (including the tax man)... It's exhausting and a horrible way to live. He just says I'm ungrateful.

Another one here. H has never said I love you, can't use my real first name (why? ), walks on ahead all the time, is absolutely always right, totally ignores me no matter how ill or upset I am, is no use whatsoever in emotional crises such as bereavement, dislikes physical touch etc.
No sex for many years as he is not interested and he was rubbish and wooden about it anyway when we did. He managed to appear normal enough for the period before things got tough in life and he stopoed making an effort to be vaguely ok. He has got fsr worse as he has got older. A lot of friends and some professionals have suggested to me he is aspie.
In short, there is no 'us'. There never was for him. I wish I had stopped banging my head against a wall earlier and had not believed some of his nasty reasons why I wasn't getting what I wanted or needed.

I have had enough and called time on it.

What fascinates me is how did people marry / have a relationship with people with Aspergers that manifests itself in the way the OP states.
How did the spouses show affection etc in the early days.
Was it obvious that they did not have empathy ?
How were you able to build up a relationship ?
It fascinates me and please take it in the spirit it's meant - I hope no one considers my questions hoary or impertinent.

Oh yes also financially controlling and completely lacking affection (no hug or kiss without me asking and then he was reluctant).

I had years of feeling very deeply lonely. He said some pretty horrid things. I wish I had left years ago. If any of you are in doubt, I would say you probably will not regret walking away.

Bean, mine is clever and was able to be just affectionate and supportive enough, plus i focused in his positives (stability etc). It was only later he let his guard down and was just himself. He said he wanted to be left to do his own thing.

I said I’d opt out but there are a few points here..

Hermione , I’ve got ME too. I think it’s unclear whether there is causality or correlation. On some things are harder for him, I think they are. Equally, some things are easier. He’s better at motorway driving and having a single focus than I am. I am better at roundabouts, town driving and social occasions.

I thought I’d made it clear that in my mind there is no excuse for the NT person having to do all the work. But the NT person ‘s first responsibility is to him or herself. It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn. As has that some, not all, of this is down to wiring. It’s important that AS is not a get out of jail free card, ie no responsibility for actions, equally that we do not blame our partners for things they cannot help, esp if they try to work on them.

beanaseirann, because, heartbreakingly, one becomes a short term focus of special interest. Once the marriage or moving in or whatever has happened, it goes. Some of us theorise that this is because they know the script of how to catch the person from films and books, but there are few for a successful partnership. You will find this described in Aspergerpartner.

beana.. sorry, spelled wrong.

This is such an interesting thread as I have a great friend who I am torn between wanting to stick by and giving up and protecting myself; she repeatedly hurts me as uses me as unpaid help but is so different to any other friend as can’t understand my feelings too / is always right
It veers from being toxic to me being deeply fond of her too and I don’t want to give up on her as her whole life has been so full of rejection but equally I often feel I need to protect myself from more hurt

I meant to say I am quite sure she has aspergers but haven’t ever discussed it. I just wonder if there are tools I can learn to cope better and not take it personally when I feel so hurt by her or taken advantage of as she never seems to genuinely care for me in return

@HermioneGoesBackHome
The point is. It almost doesn’t matter what the reason is behind how he behaves.
It’s making you feel like shit, because reading your post (and many others) just makes me feel fucking angry on your behalf.

You are disabled, having ME.

You can (or at least fucking try) to understand his disability, he can’t (or at least won’t fucking try) to understand yours.

Therein lies the crux of it

I am very attracted to aspergers people for some reason I can’t understand. I have had many friends with aspergers. When I realised I distanced myself a bit I suppose. It was incredibly easy. I moved away from my college town and my best friend never contacted me again. I was devestated but now I know that I never crossed her mind when I was out of sight.

Slanetylor that strikes such a chord as I can’t understand how quickly she forgets me. I still let it hurt me as we see each other so much and I do so much for her every week out of simple love.
I still don’t know the answer as I like her very much but i do let her ways hurt me. I keep resolving to distance myself but the next minute she’s all friendly again, when it suits her

I don’t think all people with AS have no empathy. I look at it as more of an emotional dyslexia, not able to physically show or verbalise affection.

Well, I think we’ve just agreed to split up :( it’s all very amicable and dh really is the nicest partner on the surface - but I have needs that just can’t be met in our relationship and that’s been the case for a long time. So we have both decided enough is enough. There are lots of practicalities to sort out though so it’s unlikely there will be any obvious change for a while - I’m a bit worried this will be a head fuck tbh. And we can’t really say anything to the kids as their lives won’t change for a bit.

Weird thing is, we actually had a nice talk and some laughs this evening. Maybe because the pressure was off somewhat? I feel like a failure though :(

That helps and sorry for joining when I don’t have a partner with AS but it has been affecting me for a long time so I will read the whole thread to try to better understand AS. I can cope much better if understand there is affection there as often I feel there is from lovely gestures but then the silence amd sense of rejection comes again. So I probably need to look on it as learning a new language as don’t want to give up .
Thank you and wishing all the best to others more affected x

misty I hope you’re ok and hope it all works out well for you

SpringSnowdrop feel welcome to post here. I didn’t understand friends actions until I figured out my husband and daughter. It was only then everything fell into place. Before that I was very confused and hurt by some friends behaviour. So maybe we can help you or she’d light on some of your situations too.
@misty I’m thinking of you and wishing you well. And it will be well.

Oh crikey. I'm pretty sure I have a DH with -currently undiagnosed- Asperger's or HFA. I also have severe ME

Now I understand it more, I believe I grew up with a parent & a sibling who also has undiagnosed HFA. No wonder I didn't realise how much I was compensating & 'bridging' in our marriage, I thought the dynamic was pretty normal. I am exhausted now.

I can think of another 'very difficult' man of an older generation in the family whose wife is ill too. I'm 90% sure they've been rung out by doing pretty much everything in the family. These men have always been seen as 'different' & 'difficult' btw. It's not dementia etc kicking in.