Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I have a dd and ds, both teens. Both I would say are more settled and happier since the split, definitely since life has settled down. They love the spontaneity of getting up and just doing stuff. We laugh more. They still see their dad and I can bear the time I have with him too. Happier all round I’d say.

Misty I sympathise so much ... my 6 year old son is ASD, husband aspergers. Two other children who are pretty laid back thankfully. It is absolutely relentless. And everything rests on my shoulders. We have had a really difficult year with DS at school and home. He has finally settled after changing class. But I simply cannot take feeling like this anymore, it is miserable, I have felt suicidal at points over the years. I've now drawn a hard line in the sand and decided I have had enough- it is bloody scary, he is all I have known since age 17. But we will be ok. And I now have some hope of finding out who I am and being happy.

Juststopit I am nodding reading everything you are writing. I am so glad you are happier now, it gives me a lot of hope too.

I'm amazed at how many of us share similar personal experiences. I spend a lot of time nodding my head while I read this thread!
Enjoy the sunshine, everyone

My ds is 6 too namechange but he has no major problems at school as he saves it all for home

Thank you for all your stories, it does help. I'm currently wandering around delaying going home (I came out again this aftwrnoon) as ds is being difficult and dh is so much calmer with him.

I struggle because I'm shit on my own, I'm an emotional fuck-up a lot of the time, and I know ds in particular would struggle endlessly with a separation. But I think I'd have more capacity to deal with him if I was freed from all this ambivalence.

I keep seeing things in the shops and thinking "dh would like that" but not buying it because I get nothing in return and I've had enough of giving. I feel numb and empty and know that I should turn to dh to give him half a chance of reciprocating - but I can't bring myself to risk it

Anyway, sorry I'm using this as my own personal therapy now!

Enjoy the sunshine indeed

And he won’t compromise. Somebody upthread said “If it’s not his idea, it’s not happening”. Yes, exactly.

^^ this 100x

Misty, you have brought back memories of times when I cried sad tears so often, it rarely happens now and still only related to Ex.

I have never felt so supported since leaving Ex as after a period of time friends & family started to fill my life and I get the support without asking for it. I have cried happy tears when I get kindness and friends are surprised but it like giving morsels of food to a starving person.
Not living with Ex means I am not drained as easily which is something I hadn't figured. I can now be emotionally topped up and the positive feelings last.

When Ex first left myself & dc just relaxed, we are silly together in a way we couldn't be with Ex. I feel I am happier and therefore bring better people into my life. I chat to people when out for a walk, which did not happen with Ex unless it was for exchange of info.

It is Ex's 2nd marriage and he has said he won't have another relationship as he knows he can't make them work. His lack of insight plus arrogance from a very senior job means he is very unlikely to change.I regret having to leave but ultimately I could not live like it. Financially it has been awful but I just have to try and rebuild knowing peace of mind cannot be bought.

I worked out a long term plan to get back to work, get some money saved and build a new life for myself and DD

Yes that’s where I am now.
First was recovering enough from the ME to be able to work again and have financial indépendance.
I was ready to say I’m leaving and was planning to tell H this September October.
Except that Brexit seems to be going to pot and as an eu citizen in the U.K., I also need to find the best way to deal with that too. And it mig6 be that for immigration reason and financially, being together for a bit more might be the right answorked out a long term plan to get back to work, get some money saved and build a new life for myself and DDer for me atm. I dint know...

life I completely relate to the whole relaxing when H isn’t around. He went away for two weeks for work and it was bliss!
I’ll be away in hols in a few weeks with the dcs but wo him. I know I’m going to struggle A LOT coming back :(

misty I thought I wouodnt be able o cope too.
Dc2 is very probably on the spectrum but high functioning (just lie H and FIL).
What I’ve learnt is that trying to make it work, staying etc... Ive made myself ill (i known the ME is a mix of being constantly under huge pressure and doing too much because H couldnt see he needed to step up). Which then really stopped me from leaving as I could barely look ace myself, let alone look after the dcs too .
I would recommend you to go away for two weeks with just your dc and see how it goes. I suspect you will find it much easier than you think wo the constant pressure.

I feel so wobbly this evening. In some ways I wonder if reading this thread has been a mistake because it's brought so many feelings to the surface which I perhaps wouldn't have considered before, I now feel too far to return, people viewing house tomorrow, eldest son knows, Dh hasn't said much at all and has spent most of his time reading/singing around the house or staring into space. Guess I just have to go through the motions ...

name the tipping point for me has not been able to recognise the SS or learning to live with it (or not).
The tipping point for me has been to put myself FIRST at least some of the time.
It has been about recognising that I can’t solve his issues. They are his, not mines.
About learning what I making me happy and then making space for it.
In effect, it has been about learning who I am again, what I like and dislike. To learn what makes me tick and I would like to achieve, for MYSELF.
As I have made more and more space for me, things have opened up. I’ve learnt self confidence again (I found the need for H to always be right had destroyed my own confidence) and it taught me I am a person of my own.

Put self care as your priority. Refuse to do the things that you know are going to send you over the edge. Take time for yourself and be YOU. Just YOU. Whatever you then decide to do, stay or leave, th choice will be clearer and going for it easier.

namechange it’s a courageous thing you’re doing and, I’ve been doing a lot of reading, apparently people who decide to separate/divorce generally don’t regret it. I’m guessing because they’ve agonised over it for so long. Sounds like things are moving along and maybe that’s what is unsettling you most? I was thinking today what would it be like if I came home and said, that’s it? What would the next steps be? It’ll be hard but it sounds like it’ll be worth it. Can you get out this evening and see a friend?

hermione I’m not great with noise and I get angry too easily so having the kids for two weeks alone sounds terrifying!

I’m going to sit down with dh tonight and try to talk. Problem is we’ve got a very expensive holiday booked for a months time so we need to stick it out until after that at least...

1357 - singing???

That is bonkers!

My heart goes out to all of you/us struggling to make things work, cope or move on, I think only we know how hard it can be.

It's like having the rug pulled from under your feet a hundred times a day.

Please may I make some recommendations?

One of the gurus on ASD ( though he didn’t recognise his son had it) is Tony Attwood. His book on it is excellent.

People whom it’s worth reading, Maxine Aston, esp on Cassandra Syndrome, Rudy Simone.

The Aspergerpartner website I think is excellent. I wept when I read the stuff about sex and intimacy

Different Together already mentioned here, was set up by a MNr to support the NT member of AS/NT partnerships. I am involved in it so I am in favour and parti pris but it has been a lifeline to me. Its patron is Tony Attwood. As well as a lot of thoughtful discussion ( and a section called Right to Rant) it has tips for making the partnership work better. It is not a whipping place for ASD, it’s there for people who love or have loved their partners but need support.

DT has also recently published an ebook, Different Together, Between you and me, which I think is excellent ( I had nothing to do with it) . It takes some common themes , looks at each of them through the eyes of an NT/AS couple, both the NT and the AS partner, , then provides a commentary from Tony Attwood. Available through Amazon. I know that sounds like advertising but I think it’s an important contribution as there is not much in this area looking at so many themes from so many points of view, both AS and NT.

There are a couple of books by NT/AS couples, including by the Slater-Walkers.

Sara Hendrickx, in an AS/AS relationship, does excellent workshops. (I’ve been on one hosted by MN).

Do look at Different Together.

Misty,

because ASD is a processing disorder, it may be hard for your partner to cope with face to face discussion, he may find it over whelming, alexithymia may mean he finds it hard to know what he feels.

One of the ways to get round this is to provide him with an agenda in advance, not orally but eg by email, and give him time to think about his responses. I give DH 24 hours; he now normally comes back sooner. I found that he dreaded the face to face sessions and got rabbit in headlights or defensive/aggressive/passive aggressive.

And be clear, calm, and slow in what you say. I used to get so frustrated I’d be like a lot of fireworks. It didn’t work. Simplify. Don’t offer too many options. Know what you want. As a DTr says, Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Hope that helps.

Yes I was involved with Different Together when it started a few years ago.
That was at the time when I wanted to make it work, to understand better, to ‘teach him’ better ways etc etc
I was very positive then. Actually I was told by other posters I was always looking at the positive side, cheery etc..even when things were hard.

But I’ve learnt that it only works if the other person has SOME realisation that there is something not quite right, rather than thinking they are right all the time. (And Obvioulsy I was wrong)
Besides, always being the one doing all the leg work is exhausting.
So I’ve given up.

Living with someone who is diagnosed is one thing.
Living with someone with AS/autism who thinks their way is normal and everyone else is wrong or weird is exhausting because they are not willing to learn nor are they willing to be a tiny bit flexible.

Btw YY to finding it hard to process stuff and cope with face to face discussions. I suspect this is why it’s impossible for me to have any discussion with H.
But then on the others side, he is able to do that at work... and whilst I appreciate this is really hard work for him, I’d also appreciate if he was making the same effort for me ONCE IN A WHILE.

Briiliant @OrlandaFuriosa

You've given me some great advice in the past too on other topics. Don't think I knew you were here with your DH too.

Sounds like you're a little further down the line with your experiences than I am. Thank you for those links.

Yes hermione that’s what I find frustrating too - he can function well at work and sometimes with his old friendship group, so I’d like some of that effort for us occasionally.

I’ve no doubt about him finding face to face stuff hard. I used to write letters to him in the early stages of our relationship. He could never respond beyond the mundane details of life. Nothing about how he feels/thinks.

I’ve checked out those websites years ago but will look again, thanks

Hermione, I so agree. AS is not , is never, an excuse for poor behaviour and that includes not making an effort. There’s a set of useful questions to ask oneself.

Do check out alexithymia..it’s a common comorbidity which explains why they can’t say what they feel..they honestly don’t know, don’t recognise.

ADHD is also a common comorbidity, not the climbing up the walls type but the inattention in own world type. With some people medication can work, increase general focus ( ie not just on the special Interest) and, critically, reduce anxiety. Alas it doesn’t work for everyone (sob).

The masking drives me bonkers, but he feels he shouldn’t need to at home. We are slowly addressing this in terms of needs and appreciation.

It’s not a linear spectrum either, although often AS types will go for people with high EQ. It’s more like a radar chart, with different people at different points: en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radar_chart Which is why, when you’ve met one person with AS, you’ve met one person with AS.

And there are pluses: my completely unscientific guess is that many, most? , of the discoveries and developments in arts and sciences are by people with AS traits or on the spectrum.

I am in many ways fortunate; we share a lot of interests superficially and he works v hard at our marriage, for which I honour him. But it’s by no means roses. KetoME, , glad it was helpful. Hope this lot will be too.

Hermione, I’ve discovered, painfully, that rather than saying “ you’re wrong” to him, I say,

“ I completely understand that is logical from your point of view. But it doesn’t work from mine. That’s just because our brains are wired differently. “

That’s ok for some of the time, it reduces blame.

But we had a really enlightening conversation that went

“ ok, so you think if I disagree it’s because

1. I am stupid, and you know I’m not..
2. You haven’t explained it properly, because if you had I would agree, or
3. I am deliberately winding you up”

“Yup. “

“No. I just see things differently. Because we are wired differently.”

“ that’s answer 2 then.”

Aaaawrgh.....no answer...

Yes but this is the point isn't it. It's exhausting and lonely anyway without being the one constantly trying to change and fix things - and that's if the partner recognises the issue.

Hats of to anyone who has worked it out / worked through it though, but I haven't seen any stories of that. I have seen these sites, couldn't get on the forum and most stuff recognises, explains or breaks down the problem especially in terms of relationships but doesn't really offer a way through that's achievable in the day to day .

To be honest I am surprised this thread has got so far without this being reached - essentially what the NT partner has to do.

Is it not just as simple as you either accept it and retreat, or leave?

I never get to the point of telling him he's wrong. I do find it's mostly about being in the defensive, clarifying and justifying why I might have an opinion or view at all. It always ends up adversarial.

Is it not just as simple as you either accept it and retreat, or leave?

I've read a lot on this too and this is the conclusion I have come to. NT partner has to bend over backwards, think hard about how they phrase everything, change themselves and then maybe it will work. Meanwhile the AS partner remains pretty much oblivious to everything because if you aren't shouting and screaming at each other then the relationship to them is good.

Um, I think a lot of the advice does suggest the NT partner has to make all the adjustments. I completely and utterly reject that. For example, in my view I think Ruby Simone falls too much into that camp.

I accept that a lot of things will be harder for him than for me, that I often need to accept effort rather than spontaneity ( that’s really difficult) , that it’s easier if we follow conventional patterns of who does what rather than what the feminist in me suggests ( that was difficult to take) that I often need to direct in a way that people who don’t understand find bossy or controlling or condescending but he needs for clarity ( I loathe doing this).

On the other hand, he has learned so much, is often out of his comfort zone as a result of my demands. We find ways through a huge amount, eg social occasions, where he will come for a bit and then find an excuse for not coming. He works hard at it. He’s terrified of failing.

The huge lack is spontaneous empathy. The gaping void. There are others as well. I can’t tell you if there is a happy ending, I know I love and value him.

Is it not just as simple as you either accept it and retreat, or leave?

I think Aloe has it really. I have become increasingly fed up in recent years and have been making sure that I was in a reasonable position to call it a day. DH will never change, whether he has Aspergers or not (which he does), he isn't going to change at his age and he doesn't want to!

We separated finances this year. He keeps 25% of his salary in his own account for 'sundries', I pay all of mine into our joint account but have some money given to me from my family in another account (they don't think he adds anything to my life and see his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour as very negative).

I also have a loan, taken out to do total house renovations because I know that he isn't interested in house renovations and I want them all done this year (he wants a view but doesn't want to spend his money).

His 'sundries' cost 25% of his salary. My loan costs 9% of my salary, I don't do 'sundries' or expensive hobbies but I am wrong apparently, the loan money in my personal account, which I haven't touched yet, is joint money.

I am clearly very stupid, only I am not and I am just counting the days. DD & I are going on holiday alone and he is going to a conference and hill walking so I only have to share another 3 weeks until the end of the holidays (I hope).

He has become increasingly 'shouty' and has asked why his wife is distant. Well I am distant because he has become increasingly shouty. When I asked him to keep his voice down at 7:30 on Monday morning, he shouted - if you ask me to keep quiet I WILL YELL - I don't give a F about the neighbours!