Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I am so f**ing sick of this shit. We have just had another big row, this time about THE WEATHER.

Because my opinion / observations based on previous years awareness of weather in August was just subjective not based on data. That is the upshot of a 45 minute row. I know my opinion is subjective, that's obvious. It was I thought a light conversation on what it's likely to be like over the holidays.

He is now upstairs crying. I have apologised for putting forward an opinion.

He is shit as arguments escalate.

I will be asking our met office for some historical data so he can shove it up his arse.

So tiring.

Sorry namechange that is brave of you to set the wheels in motion now you have spoken to eldest DS. Good luck with everything, thinking of you. Something better and happier will fill the silence soon xxxx hugs

And yes yes lifebegins re having to explain my thoughts/reasoning on everything. And wishiwashi about always being right. But then gets hung up about how it always has to be him who is wrong and then has a meltdown.

Also as others have said, never wanting / being indifferent to doing anything.

Reading all your comments I'm now wondering about my DH as well as dealing with living with DD (diagnosed)

Not the sexual stuff and there is quite a lot of empathy there, but the endless need to be right, the obsessions, the total inability to think things through (especially when it involves thinking things forward or understanding other people's thought processes) , the baffling (to me) inability to put himself in anyone elses place. And a lot of other stuff, which keeps cropping up on here.

Highly intelligent, v senior role all his life , ( mind you, so was I) but everything , however trivial, has to be researched to the nth degree. And anything involving empathy, or projecting, I have to deal with. If I give him precise instructions he will carry them out. But never deviate, even if it's obvious (to me) that's the thing to do? And the obsessing? Did I mention that?

Also the lack of empathy. We've been together nearly 40 years now and the things I've "trained" ( fwo a better word) him to understand some things so I/we do get consideration and some empathy for, but ANYTHING not ever previously encountered he is totally oblivious and seems quite uncaring. And can get angry as he doesn't .

I have to get really upset and angry to get through to him, and it takes 24 plus hours before he "get it" and makes a very formal apology. Which feels a rote apology tbh. I don't think he actually gets what he's apologising for.

I'm so tired from coping with DD and her issues and I'm coming to the realisation that I also have a DH who adds to the problems, despite the lots of bits I love about him.

I'm worried that it's not enough . I'm just so worn down by it all. 40 years, 20 with two of them .

I've said and said, so many times, that if he offends someone and they are still upset and offended after his apology, on the whole, it's because most normal, kind, sort of people it's because his apology is lacking in some way. But he never ever gets this. Even when it's to me, and really important stuff in our marriage :(

He never ever sees this. Tonight its particularly significant, to me. Because I've had enough.

I’ve spent many hours training my dd to practice sounding sincere when she apologizes. Both her and her father are baffled why this is important, but my dd craves friends so to me it’s part of the deal. Her father has no desire for friends so he’s free to insult everyone he meets. No longer my problem, I keep him away from everyone I know.

I was married for 21 years to a man with u diagnosed Aspergers. The lack of emotion, no compliments, lack of any kind gestures, no days out, no discussion on anything, the silence. It nearly drove me to suicide. So it’s now over and we’re divorcing. I can’t describe the relief and the peace I have found. I read and researched loads, takes of sexless loveless marriages. Where the partner tries to adapt for the AS partner.
Well I couldn’t do that. This life is no rehearsal so I got out, hard initially but I m so glad I did.

This thread is making me feel very sad :(

I am a lady on the austic spectrum. I have read some of the posts here and being honest their are some fabulous ladies here who have coped with a lot. How my autism effects me is that I can't multi task and I don't always pick up on social clues. Some times I have said and done the wrong things and as a result I have upset people without meaning to do so. If someone says you did X or y I will listen to them and try to remember not to do this again if I know it is going to cause offence.
At times I have been to full on with people which has led to me losing friends. I was diagnosed as an adult in my mid 30's after a few hard years both work and social wise.

I know that years ago a lot of people where not diagnosed as being on the austic spectrum. I also think that some parents can see that something is not quite right with a child but don't want to admit that something is wrong with their child. So instead of getting help as a young child you have adults who can function to a certain degree or can cover things well. Then things happen and it becomes apparent that the person lacks certain something and can't cope in some situations/with other people ect. It like they can't read faces, know that something is wrong or that another person is upset, unhappy ect.

I know that some of the posters here not only have an austic husband/wife to deal with but then have a child that's austic or has Asperger's. To woman in this situation I would advise you to get as much help as possible when your child is young as early intervention can help a lot long term.

To slane Taylor your doing the right thing training your daughter to practice sounding sincere when she appoligizes. If she can do this it should help her if she says or does the wrong thing outside your home. I would also see if you can get help from your local health service occupation therapy ect as you want your dd to have the best life they possibly can.

The silence...
That’s actually something I’ve learnt to live with. I dint find it as hard as the lack of intimacy and how superficial any conversation is.

llady for whatever reason, I seem to have quite a few adults with autism around me. A couple are women.
I’m always fascinated by the fact autism comes out in very different way in men and women. I can relate to those women, have conversations that are NOT superficial in a way I can’t do with let’s say H.
And one very big thing for me is If someone says you did X or y I will listen to them and try to remember not to do this again if I know it is going to cause offence.
I could cope with someone struggling with x or y and then learning about it. I am struggling to accept the same thing happening again and again and me getting badly hurt as a result, every single time.
A friend of mine has just received a diagnosis of autism. The difference with her and H is that she is aware she doesn’t always think things right/misinterprets/comes across the wrong way. So she ASKS.
God how nice would it be if H could ask....

For those who talk about the silence - was it always like that ?

Or did it just become easier just to avoid interaction over time and they become less responsive?

My FIL is like that. MIL had cancer recently and he stepped up with the practical stuff, but if freaked her out how he would just stare at her in silence.

In some ways he has always been like this.
To start with, we had a few easy and obvious subjects of conversations.
Work because we were in the same company so we both knew who was who.
Where we are living, because having just moved here, he could spend hours explaining things to me.
So it sort of got ‘hidden’
As soon as we both got a job in a different place, talking about work stopped.
I learnt about the country.
And worst if all, I got ill so can’t do all the activities we used to do together (plus the fact that with young dcs that wasn't possible anyway!)
The only thing left is the weather and mundane stuff.

Yes I suppose it is hidden in different phases in life. For us the keys ones have been when we had our DS and now I have gone back to work full time after being a SAHM.

We managed to have a massive argument about the weather last night so now I wouldn't even make comment on that!

OP here, have been reading but not posting. DH is, apparently, staying for the school holidays and I am finding it all incredibly wearing. I have completely withdrawn, he has muscled in on my tennis lessons, language lessons etc., etc., recently, leading me not to go to either for the last three weeks. I am incredibly busy at work which is actually really good for me right now.

He has become even more confrontational than before.

Daft things like me coming home from work a couple of days ago and moving the new garden furniture from one end of the garden to the other, coming across a dog poo in the garden while I was doing it (picking up not a priority for him). I asked him to get a dog poo bag, he was inside where the bag with them in is hanging near the door. Can you get a dog poo bag please, him ‘you mean these dog poo bags that are right here next to the door’, yes please, ‘you mean these, a few steps from where you are’ yes please (as I carry the chairs, table and umbrella) and on and on and on.

He will be making a point on his bloody death bed.

I am fifty in the next few weeks, he asked me what I would like for my birthday last week, well, nothing from him actually at this point, what I would really want is someone to a) care enough, b) take the initiative. All too late for that!

Ah yes birthdays. Choosing my own present, no surprises,no thought gone into it. The last birthday of mine that we were together I got shouted at, a card that was written in front of me and a garden tool that I chose. Never any evidence that he cared. It wasn’t his birthday so why would he?

I’ve been lurking on this thread (and nodding) but the talk of birthdays brings me jumping right in!

Oh my word, birthdays and Christmas!! It just isn’t in DH’s ability to buy gifts. Occasionally he’ll witter about not knowing what I’d like but that’s more recently. In our early years he just did nothing and I was so hurt. We’ve been together for over thirty years and I’ve toughened up on that now and I buy my own presents, plus the DC are grown up and earning and they buy delightful insightful thoughtful gifts.

Anyway DH’s birthday is next month and for the first time ever I am just not going to do anything about it. Is that petty? Maybe.

Also, yes, never going anywhere busy. Never wanting to be in a crowd even if the event itself (the band, the exhibition, the view) is worth it. Cannot blank out the people. His retirement dream is to move to a remote house in the middle of nowhere (but it’s not my dream).

And he won’t compromise. Somebody upthread said “If it’s not his idea, it’s not happening”. Yes, exactly.

I can't do this any more. I can't cope with ds challenging behaviour and cope with feeling completely alone emotionally with dh. I've gone for a walk and could cry but I can't leave because I don't have a job at the moment.

Oh dear I've killed the thread

Oh misty you haven’t killed the thread. I completely recognise the I can’t do it anymore and having to just get out for some
Space feeling. I’ve done more than a lifetimes crying. I used to sit in my car on the way home from work and cry at the thought of another weekend with exh. A weekend of silence and arguments, robot like responses and an enforced routine. It used to hurt when colleagues spoke about what they’d done. So I ended it. If I don’t do anything now on a weekend it’s my decision that I’ve made. Not had forced upon me.

I can’t imagine having an asd child to deal with as well. That must be beyond difficult. You are stronger than you think.

No you haven't Misty9. I bet we're all still here reading & nodding & probably feeling a little sad about our marriages.

Some of us have probably gone out to take some deep breaths of fresh air & give ourselves a break for the situation we've found ourselves in.

I'll hopefully be back to join in, tho having a DH with Autism in denial, you've mostly already said it upthread.

Enjoy the sun everyone. Peace & love for the weekend ahead

Thank you

Did you have dc with your exh? Its that keeping us together but it's a vicious cycle with ds picking up on the unease, acting out and me not having enough emotional energy to deal with it because of the stuff between me and dh.

Crosspost Juststopit

I can’t imagine having an asd child to deal with as well - My ASD DS is the least of my worries most of the time. He struggles a bit socially, but he really does make a massive effort and by doing so, has a small and growing social life. He was diagnosed fairly late as he is HFA, so wasn't picked up until secondary but his school have been so supportive and given so much help (weekly workshops in emotional intelligence) that have made such a difference to him. A friedn recently said to me: are you sure it's your DS2 who is autistic, not DS1 as DS1 has far more overt traits but actually isn't. Just grew up with two people who are and one who was so used to that behaviour she never tried to modify it!

Misty9 I've been where you are, at the pit of despair. It was the turning point. I worked out a long term plan to get back to work, get some money saved and build a new life for myself and DD. It took a couple of years, and was incredibly difficult, but fantastically worth it in the end. It was difficult for DD from the point of view that I had been the buffer between her and her father's behaviour; I had been shielding her from the worst of it. After separation and subsequent divorce, his behaviour was exposed and she saw him for what he really is like. That has been very difficult for her, as she has born the brunt of it a few times, and now two years on she would prefer not to see him. She has to though, but it is limited to an hour or so a week, due to my work commitments. That makes me desperately sad, because that isn't the father/daughter relationship I wanted for her, but it is the reality.

Counselling sessions have been really helpful for both myself and DD, because we were both emotionally battered, exhausted and struggling. These were organised with the help of my GP, who has been excellent. I went to see her when I was in total despair and self harming with the stress of it, and she listened, took me seriously, and helped me get the help we needed.

And Misty9 I'm not sure if I made it clear in my previous post, DD is very happy with the new life that her and I have. Because just her and I live together, we can keep the issues with her father to one little corner of our lives and get on with the rest of it...work is going well, school is going well, it's all good