Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

That reminds me of a time early on in our relationship when I sent then dp a dirty text - he didn't reply and later said it made him feel uncomfortable

Does anyone else find their dp really struggles to join in your enthusiasm? We have a bit of a pattern wherein I'll get an idea and feel really enthused - until.i share it with dh who shows zero enthusiasm and usually mentions some practical detail which leads to me second guessing myself and shelving the idea. Then often dh will say okay and I'll say forget it... and round we go again.

At the beginning I made lots of dirty jokes in text messages and DH never picked up on it. That should've been a sign.

Sex is rare, but often with surprising and good changes when it does happen. I think he's trying at least, as I told him exactly what it want. And that I get bored lately. Ough!

He sometimes calls me a Sex addict, then again I could do it five times a day and still want more. I'm helplessly attracted to him and his looks. He's like the forbidden fruit

He's eerily quiet during Sex...
Don't think he's masturbates and never saw any evidence. He doesn't like talking about adult things though who knows ;)

Once I initiated sex and he went for it. No foreplay whatsoever and got confused that my body wasn't ready. I told him it's not like a switch down there and the flood gates open

Very interesting to read everyone comments.
I think the desire for connection grows stronger over years. In the beginning the romantic stage covers up the reality and I (like others) assumed that over time we would get to know each other, as you see older couples doing.
However it seems that over time the distance and lack of connection actually increases as perhaps once through the romantic stage their focus/effort decreases and the gulf gets wider. I never felt known and had to explain my thoughts/reasoning on everything.
It is interesting that despite benefits such as being a good provider and reliable the lack of emotions seem to impact NT women very significantly and reinforces studies that show our need to connect is very strong.
I read once, Maxine Aston, that ASD men often choose highly empathic partners and maybe this is also an issue as the connection is desparately needed for the NT partner. Perhaps where this is less of a need the marriages feel happier??

I think if there is also an ASD child then its challenging as the NT/empathic mum will be drained faster.

One of the most "destructive" traits for me was the need to be right..given relationships need compromise and the lack of "safety", such as knowing your partner would be there for you in the event of illness. He would drive me to hospital, like he did in pregnancy/labour but that is really where the support ended.

never being right, never getting things up to their standards, not having your opinions valued unless you completely agree with them...dh likes to be understood, but he's not really giving the same back. Think you're right about the partner also being drained from the child.

I've name changed for this bit!

DH doesn't masturbate, says he can't come unless he's in me. That takes seconds though, so there used to be a fair bit of foreplay manhandling my body. Doesn't use porn. Seems to think I should enjoy it because he is enjoying it. It's been several years now.

Highly empathic partners may be the default choice, as we can read and relate even when we aren't getting much back.

Does H masturbate?
Haha, he would have needed to share a hell of a lot more than he ever had for me to know.
Have I ever seen him masturbating? Nope

But this is a man who can’t exchange two (sexy/inutendo) words when having sex too..

I agree with you life

But I’ve also found that it’s the lack of respect that I have the most issue with these days.

So I get that H can’t judge what would be a good day out for me (due to ME). And yeh always gets it wrong, even when he tries.
What I do not and cannot accept is a situation where I tell him looking after two under 3yo is hard work and he doesn’t believe me/treats the whole things as me being lazy. Until HE has to look after the dcs in his own, finds it hard work and THEN recongnises that yes it is hard work.
This has happened so often. My word is NEVER good enough. My feelings are never respected. Nor is my POV.
Basically full on sexism but compounded by the inflexibility of AS.

How does he react when you tell him he's wrong? It was a bit of a shock to mine, but we worked through it. It went a bit like this:

We need a cleaner
No we dont.
Yes we do, I don't have time and the house is messy.
I'll do more.
That's nice but we still need a cleaner.
It's too expensive.
We need a cleaner, it's better than letting the house get filthy and then we won't have to do it all at the weekend.
I don't want a cleaner.
We need a cleaner. I'll ask around and tell you how I get on. If it doesn't work out we can always cancel.

The next conversation would be about how glad I was to find a cleaner, and when they were starting.

Mine does masturbate. He'll quite cheerfully tell me. I don't think he still watches porn, but he might. All his sex education came from porn, so sex always had to be like the films (because that's how it's done), although he did draw the line at me having four men at once!

So always had to be fully shaven, in bed, and then leap up afterwards to clean up because being 'messy' is impossible. So no post-coital closeness or cuddling. Makes me feel like shit.

Thank god I have affectionate children and a very affectionate dog, otherwise it would be years since I had a hug.

Gosh yes my dh libido is non existent too, very upsetting for me

Without the "peasants" as he calls everyone but himself.. hmm

Mine also describes everyone else as 'sheep'. Apparently he's the only independant thinker in the world...

I had to painfully slowly explain to him the other day - we were watching a queue of traffic on the main road and he said 'look at all the sheep, it's going to be packed at the beach when they all get there' - that not everyone travelling in the same direction will be going to the same place! He'd not even considered that possibility! We literally cannot leave the house on a BH, Everywhere (and I mean everywhere, bearing in mind we live on the edge of a National Park which is 98% wilderness) will be 'packed'. I go out without him.

I've been trained up over the years too! I no longer like crowds and prefer calm planned outings. Never eat in a busy restaurant, go to a new film, go out on a bank holiday. I think his and the kids tension has bled off into me! We had foster children for a long time too, so they needed calm as well.

I'm the same @pickle. I'm dreading having to do things in half terms / weekends now that DS is starting school! I like quiet and calm. So does DS. I like to have things organised and routine more than DH sometimes...

I think maybe we mop up all the anxiety in our partners to help them regulate.

Oh yes ‘sheep’ and people who all do the same thing. So boring.
Tbf he does a lot of things that arentbthat conventional. Things I used to do too (even though I’m NT).
It might have been a défense mechanism. It must be other people who are boring for all doing the same thing. And he is right/normal for doing things that very few people do.

Having said that, it also probably explains why he chose me. I liked all those ‘weird’ and unusual things. As a foreigner, I probably accepted more than other brits (on the ground, it’s normal to do things differently). But I still things in a different way too. Add a high level of empathy.
Yep. Probably the perfect partner for him.

I have thought for a long while my husband is asexual, he is strangely prudish and will not mention sex and is quick to call women 'slags' (especially female radio presenters, in particular Edith Bowman and Jo Whiley...very odd) However I have found quite hardcore porn on his computer before now. He hardly ever initiates sex, I definitely think he wanks in his 2 hour long bath he has to have every day. He also reads the same book over and over again. It's fascinating. Anyway. As I mentioned earlier we are separating. We have 3 DC (who he wasn't fussed about having I will add- not even my pregnancy/new baby sparked any emotion). Anyway I ended up telling my eldest (14) about our separation last night. We have a close relationship and lots of chats, he took it pretty well and we hugged and he asked lots of questions, one of which was could we get a better broadband provider in our new house I told my husband this morning that I have told our son and he said nothing. I did wonder if he should have been there but it would have made the conversation awkward as he is so uncomfortable even with his own son. I'll make him sit there when I tell my youngest (6 yr old with ASD) Hoping my 3 year old won't really notice too much. It feels huge though. Keep having waves of anxiety and sadness. Our house is silent now and it makes me realise how much I waffled before to fill the silence....

Interesting reaction re separating.
I’m sort of expecting the same from H too when the time will come as he never seems to react to anything or say anything.
in some ways, I’m hoping he will as that will so much easier.
Unless he has one of his moments where whatever I say cannot be right and he will balk (in a very PA way therefore will just be obstructive to the whole process)

Wow - lots of very difficult stuff.

It's strange though, and I wonder whether anyone has any thoughts - as a guy with a ASC wife I see very big differences in behavior but caused by the same underlying neurological differences.

Compared to most comments here DW is incredibly emotional, almost every aspect of her life if driven by emotion rather any kind of common sense. Unfortunately the primary emotion is anger, little things escalate out of all proportion - I got shouted at for taking too long to walk up the stairs today, the stairs have a window with sea views, but she kept going for at least a couple of minutes... she was nice as pie straight after like flicking a switch.

Does anyone else have to deal with demand avoidance, extreme passive aggression, even open aggression - if so how???

Some of thesesimilarities are spooky.

Zaphod We literally cannot leave the house on a BH, Everywhere will be 'packed'. This was DH's reason for not taking the DC to the beach ever when they were children. If it was a sunny day it would be packed and if it wasn't, it needed to be sunny. I took them alone. But weird.

PA behaviour - yes A LOT.
As well as always saying yes (to avoid confrontation) when he actually means No.

Very hard to deal with. And hurtful too because it’s impossible to know WHY exactly is the reason for the aggression.
Thee is no shouting, no argument so no explaination for it.
And having to guess all the time means you are also often guessing wrong. AND you can’t defend your uraelf or explain your pov.

From my experience, PA is still being aggressive. Just being harder to pinpoint. But the effect on the other person is the same than full in verbal aggression.

Re aggression- DP grumbles and shouts, stamps and bangs. He isn't particularly cross though, he just makes those noises when things aren't perfect and he is doing things.

I remember telling a friend with a new baby, babies are terrible dramatists- they cry like the world is ending over very little. DH is the same. He doesn't really mean anything by it, he just has no sense of proportion. I learned to tune out the huffing and puffing, as it doesn't really mean a lot.

I just tell him that crowds might not be very nice, but nobody ever died of crowds. He doesn't have a problem with lots of people, or no more than most people, it's more the 'going to places that everyone else has gone to' he objects to!

Not particularly aggressive, but does get very cross with inanimate objects that don't behave as they are supposed to, or if he's upset. Behaves, in general, like a six year old whose toys won't stack together in the way he's decided they must.

Hermione my DH says 'No,' as a default. It drives me nuts.
Me: DS's concert's on Wednesday isn't it?
DH: No. It's on Wednesday
Me: That's what I said.
DH: silence.

Or
Me: I'm just going to mow the lawn.
'DH: No.
Me: "Why?'
DH: baffled he's been challenged as to why I can't mow the lawn. Silent.

On holiday:
Me: Shall we go on a boat trip this afternoon?
DC: yeah!
DH: No
Me: Why?
DC - sad faces: why dad?
DH: Let's see about it tomorrow.
Me: We're busy tomorrow. We're free today.
DH: silent.

And so on. No is the first word out of his mouth whatever I say. It sounds petty but accummulating year in year out it is so draining never ever to be met with an enthusiastic: Yes! great idea! I fantasise about being married to someone who says: 'Yes" with a big lit-up smile to something I say.

Ah. The big SILENT. It was the 3rd person in our relationship.