Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Post anything you want to get off your chest!
It helps me to know I’m not alone.

Thank you So glad I found this group!

Would you say your DPs behaviour has gotten increasingly unbearable over the years? Or that it has worn you down, but not gotten worse in itself? Hope that question makes sense

It’s the latter for me - it’s worn me down. If anything I’d say some aspects of his behaviour have improved - he doesn’t fight the idea of socialising and going on holiday as much, and he tries to make me feel special, in his own way. It’s just not enough anymore :(

Can I join too?
Same here. 18 years together and the lack of emotional support, the fact he is always right until he has experienced himself he is wrong etc etc have drained me completely.
The relationhsip has me ill. I developped ME due to the stress and basically handling the house single handed. Except I didn’t seek any help for years because he managed to convinced me I was just lazy
Hurt beyind repair now.

However like a poster before, I’m not british and being in the UK now and Brexit is making things hard. I’m therefore wondering about keeping silent until I have a better idea of what will happen. Going back to home country would be an issue for the dcs (too close to exam years).

I’m struggling to keep my mouth shut and not tell him I want a divorce though.

Rainbow yes that makes sense, I would say the same as misty . I also feel I am not as prepared to facilitate as much anymore or create the opportunities for connection.

He has learned to improve for some things but for our relationship it's a plateau really.

We are 35.

What about you rainbow?

What makes me the saddest though is dc2.
Undiagnosed (we tried to get a diagnosing through CAMHS - they say he not in the spectrum despite a lot of other professionals saying he is fitting in perfectly).
I can see all the emotional unavailability, the not caring about relationship, being right etc etc. All that is there staring at me.

And I feel for him and for any woman who might cross his path. Because he won’t know and won’t see it. But will get hurt (and hurt someone else in the process)

Did someone mentioned sex too? As in boring, always the same sex. One where connection and intimacy just doesn’t happen?

Hi brexitwife that's extra difficult

And yes re the sex "the sex" lol that says it all, how I have written it. I have just reduced my expectations in that way

I've had a busy week so heading off now , I will be back again, night fellow Cassandras!

I actually had to teach him how to give me an orgasm because he had no idea what to with my clit....
But apparently, our sex life is (well was, I have given up on that now) good

Sorry just saw your other post. I always wonder whether MIL saw that in her husband and then son. Like you say he won't know and he won't see it. I have seen other posts saying similar. Hugs for you, that's hard to think about for your DS

I'm pretty sure I'm largely NT and my DH is largely HFA (undiagnosed: I've told him my suspicions and that I believe this is the reason for relationship difficulties we have, but he's not really interested and I think has said in words to that effect 'it is what it is': he's quite arrogant but cloaks that in a meek and mild demeanour).

It's the sense of being totally, completely, utterly emotionally alone that I find killing.

No argument/disagreement EVER goes anywhere. My DH is totally averse to ANY level (even extremely mild e.g. raised/cross voice) of confrontation. It seems that as far as he's concerned, if there's no obvious confrontation, and talk is about everyday trivia/factual information, life is hunky-dory.

So I feel emotionally imprisoned. Served 30 years now. After all that time I still feel I don't really know him, his beliefs, what he might stand for. Maybe he doesn't know himself? Does anyone?

I do believe that confrontation can be constructive, develop understanding, knowledge of each other and commitment in a relationship. Confrontation need not always be destructive whereas a communication vacuum surely always will be.

I have an issue in my relationship that relates to the above but seems not to have been raised on this thread and about which I'm curious to hear people's experiences. I regard my DH as sort of 'chicken' (for want of a better word) in some ways. I greatly fear getting older and ill. I have never felt that he'd stick his neck out and 'bat' for me if I needed someone to. Eg if I were very poorly in hospital and was being neglected I cannot imagine he would ever make a scene . I cannot imagine him ever physically or even verbally jumping to my defence. I sort of despise that aspect of him - of course it may be nothing to do with ASD.

Why are we still together? My DH is kind, can be very funny, I think he loves me a lot really and would be lost without me (or maybe I flatter myself), he can be a good companion, we have certain interests in common, he's a kind father who I know loves his children, he provides for us very well, he's very generous in that he never objects to any spending and trusts me a lot in that respect (I have total responsibility for sorting out all domestic arrangements, financial arrangements, pension planning; he just assumes I have those bases covered), I find him attractive, sex is good when it happens (not often), I would prefer not to destroy our family unit (even though the children are close to independence), I guess I love him in some sort of a way.
In principle I could leave at the drop of a hat (I have modest independent means). I have to say that is a great comfort to me.

One final telling point: there had been a family death and that led to one of our children asking what I'd like to happen to my body. My side of the family has two family graves and I suspect I'd like my ashes to go in one of those. But I'm not convinced I'd want my DH's ashes in there with me. It's just this feeling that something deep and fundamental is lacking in our relationship and I squirm about the prospect of bringing a falsehood into the grave with me.
Maybe my feelings will change.....maybe.....maybe......

Maybe the relationship will change......maybe.....maybe......

Earlgrey
It's a bit tricky for me. My DP is full on aspergers, while I got a smudge of it.

We're pretty compatible on most levels and I'm grateful that he isn't overbearingly romantic or smothering me. We both absolutely despise birthdays, Christmases, weekends with people out, anything with too many people.

We share most interests. Everything we can do by ourselves Without the "peasants" as he calls everyone but himself..

But he also watches the same movies and doesn't allow the radio. I on the other hand listen to the same song on repeat, because that one song is all I what for a week.
He is very OCD and says I leave the place dirty (if leaving my hairbrush on the desk counts), doesn't like when I don't tick MY to do list off. It makes him anxious knowing I haven't done stuff for my own life which doesn't even affect him haha

What gets to me is when he breaks MY routines or plans unexpectedly, it really kicks me off. I guess that what happens when you put to silly aspies into one relationship. We happen to clash because we both think the same but for ourselves and can't put ourselves in each others shoes. It's tiring sometimes.

We've agreed on some ground rules. If I need affection and literally go and take it off him. He's thankfully grown into compromising as he could go without any physical intimacy until he dies. Can't lie, sometimes there's no sex for too many days though.

I wouldn't want to change it (so far) as he's terribly intelligent and creative, but reading the posts it seems like many of you have worn down over the years. Understandably. I'd like to know how it'll turn out. I don't like the uncertainty of life. Like most I guess

P. S. When we have sex he insists on getting me to orgasm. So that's one thing I really can't fault him on

Yep same here.
Emotional emptiness.
No argument ever (which means he is then getting PA about it)
I still have no idea of his beliefs. And he is influenced by other people around him (as long as it’s not me and they are ‘recognised’ aka a doctor, journalists etc...). To get anything, I need to plan ahead and spend months (sometimes years) making small comments, sharing information etc to make him see things in a different way.
And YY about fearing to get old with him. My unfortunate experience with being ill is that I am in my own. And even asking him to adapt and out himself in my shoes a tiny bit (like not strolling at his normal speed because I can’t follow) seems an impossible task.

Arrrg. This thread is reopening old wounds really.

What has changed for me though is being ill. I’ve had no other choice than starting to look after myself. I’ve had to be strict with my boundaries. And I’ve learnt to say things when I’m unhappy (because he hates confrontations, he stays silent. So anything I would bring would end up with me feeling unreasonable because I was always the one upset/angry. I stopped raising issues) not that much for him. But for our two dcs.
I’m doing more things on my own. I’ve regained my financial independence (sort of ).
And more importantly, I’ve stopped feeling sorry for him and trying to always compensate for him and his issues. Now I step back and let him handle to situation/solve everyday problem (what do I do with xx?)
And I’m not going to grow old with him. For my own sanity.

@BrexitWife - so many of the things on your post resonate for me. I too have to plan things years in advance and drip feed them so that he's prepared for change. Once I worked that out, it got better. I realised I'd have to start talking about a holiday, house move, school for the children 5 years before we needed to think about planning any of this, to ensure it happened.

And I've stopped trying to help him fit in socially. Today he cornered me because he has to organise a launch of a product he created. He just asked me to choose some people. I had to explain that he had to invite all his contacts and remind him who they were and why they were relevant. he still wnated me to just invite a bunch of people I know (we're in the same industry. After I'd drawn up my list I just said: you have ot invite some people now. He hadn't added a single person. It's his bloody launch.

Oh the sex and 'having' to orgasm! I am so so sick to trying to explain that sex when there's been absolutely no emotional intimacy feels to me almost like a form of rape. If a man sits on the other side of the room, doesn't have any conversation with you, won't touch you or kiss you and yet expects to leap on you in bed and try to force you to orgasm, because it's what sex is for...it's leaving me utterly cold.

We have a kind of uneasy friendship. Uneasy on my side. He thinks it's an utterly blissful relationship because we don't argue. We don't argue because it's hard to argue about the weather, the dog, what's for lunch...

Zaphodsotherhead that's it exactly!! Was just sitting here with exaxt same thoughts running round me head....i long for.physical contact, to the point of extreme misery, then this weird, almost brutal sex happens out of the blue - with that insistence on me enjoying it too - and i feel 10 times more lonely than before, almost violated as you say. This morning for some reason feels like the worst ever

Yes to the “having to orgasm”, it was great at first, but it began to feel like he’s ticking a box, and I felt pressured into having an orgasm. We haven’t had sex for a couple of years now, I just gave up.

I too have stopped having sex. Because it wasn’t enjoyable but also because I’m too pissed off with him now to actually want him to touch me iyswim.
But the weird thing is that he seems completely oblivious about it all.
I’m making plans to leave. I’ve told him I am and that I am making them on my own (aka I haven’t told him what my plans are, what I have already organised etc..) and he didn’t ask any questions at all
I stopped having sex. He never questioned it once. But still is approaching me every now and then a second if there wasn’t anything going on.

Sometimes I crave human touch, someone who will take me into his arms. Just that. A big cuddle. A connection. I’m not sure when this happened last.

Have NC for this as I'm slightly paranoid someone could figure out who I am from my other posts, and as this really is about DH I feel it's too personal to ask under my regular name, but I have already posted on this thread.

There's something I wanted to ask but thought might be too much, but, since we're on the subject of sex: do your men masturbate (as far as you know)? Mine doesn't. He doesn't see the appeal. He was upset once when someone told him the "there are two types of men - wankers and liars" joke, as he realised that there really was something different about himself.

Up until recently dh did suggest that he doesn't- but when it came up in conversation a few weeks ago, he said he does about monthly! We haven't had sex for 6 months...

Mine has no interest in materbation or sex or porn or anything.
But he thinks that’s normal and that it’s everyone else who lies about being interested in sex.