Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

I am so heartily sick of being ignored, I have to say. In 25 years together, and despite having been told numerous times, DH simply doesn't get that if I say something to him it's because I'm initiating a conversation not just making a statement into the ether. I get tired of having to mechanically say: I'd like a reply to this. Or That was intended as a conversation opener. I love DH and have defended him massively in ASD threads in the past but right now I am longing to be in a relationship with someone who talks with me. I miss that so much.

Sorry Zaphod - didn't mean to ignore you there about the dog comments you made (the irony) I was replying to your previous comment at 9.44 about them not realising that you expect a reply if you speak.

I think the dog affection is so easy. Dog doesn't mind if he does or doesn't shower it with affection. Doesn't expect reciprocal attention when dog needs it. There's few demands from a dog. He can start and stop with the attention exactly when he pleases with no come back.

Mina it's fine - this topic moves in fits and starts anyway!

I think you're right about the dog not expecting anything in the way of affection - but he doesn't seem to think that I expect anything either! He certainly wouldn't dream of showering me with affection or stop starting physical contact - I wouldn't even mind a tenth of the attention he lavishes on the dog!

yes, i love my ddog dearly too, but i sometimes admit i feel slightly odd when i see dh lavishing the dog with attention that never came my way even after rough childbirths! They say if you want unconditional love...I do think that's part of the issue, both of us have taken every criticism to heart, and ultimately it is corrosive.

At work a while back I said something to a colleague and then said “ Respond, please” which is my automatic statement at home. Very very embarrassing.

Thank you for your supportive comments, I feel pretty frazzled and I'm feeling a rollercoaster of emotions. I have been with him since 17 and doted on him at first, loved his quirky ways and took the fact that he spoke to me as flattery, as he didn't seem to like anyone else. Fast forward 15 years I am so emotionally damaged, I can't get passed some of the things he has done to me, it's not that I want another relationship, I would rather be alone and out of this loveless marriage which is spiralling out if control. I hate who I become when the misery gets too much. He is a nice guy on the surface and very intelligent but the lies, deceit, the lack of intimacy, lack of respect, the things he has put me and my DC through, I can't take it anymore, the alarm bells are sounding too loudly. Someone mentioned leaving 2 years ago and looking back to see a grey shell of themselves, that has been me for so long. We are both fairly young (32 and 34) so I hope he does meet someone who understands him and he can be happy. I am so grateful for this space to vent.

With reference to the dog thing, I think it may be the opposite for us. DH can't read the dog very well, but the dog's unrelenting insistence on having his needs met gets through to him. They mainly play rather than fussing. Basically, the dog doesn't settle in the evening until DH has romped in the lounge with him- tug of war etc. Some times I have to point out to DH that the dog is trying to say hello, at which point he'll fuss the dog.

DS1 who learned younger, if you like, can read the dog and be affectionate with him.

I think the reason the dog does well is that he has a limited range of needs and opinions. Like a small child- is he hungry? Is he tired? Has he got a pain? DH can work through a limited range of options- take him for a wee, feed him, play with him- and solve the need.

I on the other hand am significantly more complex!

And it's definitely ok to admit you need a different kind of relationship, and move on.

Namechange i'm v interested in your mention of lies and deceit as this hasnt come up much - I've been reading avidly as i think DP is hfa and generally it all fits. But on autism websites there seems to be a lot about people being almost brutally honest /unable to lie (or not seeing the need as unaware of other people's feelings). My Dp is good at lying when it comes to stuff that could upset his world - he knows the things that might end our relationship and goes to great lengths to cover up, although his deception slills aren't amazing the wish to lie is definitely there. Does this make the hfa diagnosis less likely?

My will lie about things that might get him in trouble too. If I ask him to get something from the shop, he will say it was closed or they were out of the item. It’s just that he forgot. He will lie very often but mostly stupid lies that are easily found out. If I rang the shop for example they will say they are open and have the item I need.

Mine did tell me the first time he realised his mother was lying to him about something. It was a huge revelation that people could lie, but he picked it up fast enough.

I think if you had harsh parenting, the urge to lie to protect yourself is powerful.

But the lies are ridiculous. His mother (also with asd) does believe them though so you might have a point.
My dd did try those petty lies for a while but I would not tolerate them.
I think my ex lies because he thinks everyone else is stupid.

@Slanetylor Respond please I can imagine doing that. I understand completely how that happened. Oh God! ...

DH said to me the other day that I scare him. I asked what he meant. He said I had a scary knack of knowing what people are really thinking without them saying. It's interesting to me that for someone lacking the skill to pick up on facial expression, intonation, body language and subtext, it must come over as a super power. Like mind reading. He just can't work out how it's done.

Mina that’s interesting. My H cannot understand how I can know what someone is thinking. When my sons were teenagers I usually knew when they were lying or trying to deceive me, H couldn’t get how I knew. He can’t read subtle nuance, body language, doesn’t do eye contact, can’t put himself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what he would do in that situation.

Mine think I have the superpower of knowing what's going to happen in tv. dramas. Mind, I am pretty good...

It's the inability to put himself in someone else's position that really gets to me. It's like going out with a child, 'look at that lady, she's so fat! Teeeeheeehee'. And me explaining that yes, I can see that lady, that lady already knows she's overweight, there is simply nothing to be gained by anyone by pointing it out. Rinse and repeat. Or the 'hilarious' 'Look, a BOMBER!' when meeting anyone of any hue other than icy white.

Good god it's depressing. He might not get why it's horrible to say, but it's still fucking racist in my book, and I'm not really succeeding with stopping it.

Sorry Zaphod, I'd be much sharper and firmer. Don't bother explaining, he knows and doesn't care.
Very sharp voice 'stop that. that's unacceptable'. Don't soften it in anyway. Bodge him out of the way and hiss at him, if necessary. Do not let him get away with it, ever.

Honestly, there's no excuse- he's learned that it winds people up.

I think that's why he does it, Pickle, he thinks it's funny to get a reaction out of me. He knows it's not an acceptable thing to say, so why the hell does he say it? What reaction does he want? The only one he gets is anger (and sometimes embarrassment).

Of course, being ASD doesn't stop you also being a prick, I keep forgetting that...

Can I join? Pretty sure DH has Asperger's. Suspected for years and I actually mentioned it to him after a particular episode the other week. He said he didn't even want to think about it.

We were fine at first, married 7 years together since early 20's and I found him very steady & cool & funny & smart after various difficulties.

After I had ds, there were things that he said that showed complete lack of empathy. The morning after DS was born, he said he couldn't come up to the hospital until later as he had had a few beers the night before. In the early weeks, when he was on paternity leave, pah, he complained about being tired cos he had been sleeping so much. He is wonderful with our son now , but it took until he could get a smile or reaction back for that to happen. Before he looked like an alien that didn't know what to do.

Things have changed recently, as I have gone from being a stay at home mum ( DS is nearly 6) to going back to work full time, which has obviously changed things at home. He was wonderfully supportive but it has changed the day to day and I am not the at home caring mum and wife doing everything anymore.

He had weirdly been saying to people it hadn't changed much at home, which I thought was odd. The other week we had a massive argument based on home stuff and he was banging on about not knowing how to do things, but if I tell him, it just make things worse. It's really stupid stuff and I dont ask him to do much round the house as it would be too much stress.

In these moods, things escalate easily. He can't cope with change, he hates being told what / how to do something. He never wants to go anywhere or do anything, I have given up on ideas of us going out places together.

It's not always bad, don't get me wrong, but it's a recurring theme and lots of signs. His dad is pretty similar.

We have also struggled with secondary infertility, and have given up, and I don't think he will ever understand how heartbreaking it is for me, although I have moved on now, but overall I think I am just put off from sex.

It's little things like he will v rarely say "how are you ?" and can never get excited by something in the future.

Luckily, I have an amazing DS and am now back to work, so I have more independence and interaction, but I am obviously putting much less effort in our relationship and it's never ever going to come from his side.

He can be loving and caring, I just feel there is something fundamental there that will never change and makes me feel isolated in his presence.

Sorry what a long post!

Lots of people here who understand how you feel.

It's the first time I've had the guts to reach out on it, despite years of looking things up!

I feel for everyone here.