Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

YES! I’ve become joyless. His relentless negativity has ground me down.
icant the old tv dramas. Mine watches several episodes of MASH most nights. Bores me to tears, I tend to sit in another room with the radio now.

I don't live with mine but owing to circumstances, he comes here for three nights every weekend. It's only been going on for a month and it's already killing me. Having to get in food from the list of things he'll eat. Leaving him things to cook for himself (I work shifts and often am on lates when he's here) and getting in to have to eat sandwiches after a long shift because it wouldn't occur to him to cook me something (although he would if I asked and instructed him to, I just don't think I should have to suggest it. Surely an average human being thinks to at least offer?) He's had some work done on my car (which wasn't necessary but he thinks it was) and says that that equals any money he was going to give me for his keep, then leaves the immersion tank on instead of boiling a kettle (this is how I heat water). But at least he washes up! (Mostly because I just leave his dishes...)

It's his kind of assumption that life will arrange itself around him, He comes in, sits on my seat, and waits for meals (if I'm in. No idea what he does when I'm at work) like a toddler.

Joyless very much so. I think with DW being undiagnosed and in denial it's even more of a struggle. I think if a partner acknowledges their differences and is motivated to listen and and try to modify their behaviour then you have a fighting chance. But I think a lifetime of misunderstanding can lead to some narcissistic tendencies that are very difficult to live with.

Daftasabroom I’m not sure a diagnosis makes that much of a difference. Mine acknowledged he had asd when I asked him to do some on line tests and he went to see some counselors. One was great but challenged him too much. The others were supportive of him but didn’t challenge his behaviour within the marriage. His motivation to do anything lasted about 3 months and that was it. It has never been mentioned again.

Kind of Slanetaylor but like Zaphods I also try to be a happy children's tv presenter to try turn his mood around. He's just done a classic- long monologue about his worklife, often it's his tv and sport interests that I'm not allowed to chip into the conversation with him too also he switches off when people are talking to him and he ends up showing himself up when he asks really basic questions about the whole premise of a conversation! It's like he has no interest in others or developing senility, I'm not quite sure. It's good to rant with like-minded people

I am now in the process of separating from my Aspie Husband . So many described experiences on this thread could be my own .
I feel sad though as my teenage son has been diagnosed with ASD and I know exactly how hard it will be for him to maintain a relationship .

“It's his kind of assumption that life will arrange itself around him”

zaphods that’s absolutely it. My h retired a few months ago and has made everything about him, all about his routine, what he wants to do. No thought for me, what I might want to do, how I might feel about him being here all the time. He tells anyone who asks that he’s enjoying retirement, I roll my eyes and sigh.

Daftas I can see some narcissistic tendencies too, mine is undiagnosed. He jokes about being autistic, but can’t see that there may be a view of things other than his.

namechange you are brave. Well done. Enjoy your life.

The presentation tends to be different between men and women. But I think a diagnosis for DS1 was a game changer, the help we/he have had has truly allowed him to thrive.

ASCs perceive and sense the World very differently to NTs which can to huge anxiety, confusion, anger and negativity. The biggest difference I see between my two is that DS1 can overcome his anxieties through mindfulness and greater self awareness, self acceptance and self confidence. With DW I am constantly walking on eggshells.

DS1 truly has been changed by a 15min mindfulness session every morning. He's taken it very seriously in true AS fashion, but it might a help your ASCs as well.

I've taken to saying 'no that's not going to happen' to mine, in a quiet, even sort of voice - the same tone as I use to admonish the dog, in fact. I use it to tell him off too - he'd got the dog by the collar and was dragging her up (he finds her barking pitch too high and doesn't like listening to it. Tough. My house, my dog, my rules) and I said Don't. Do. That. Just absolutely deadpan. And he stopped and hasn't done it again. Now when he gives me one of his more outlandish opinions (like the one about not going to Belgium ever, because it's flat) I just laugh and say 'I'll go there if I want to.' It's tiring, challenging every time, but it makes me feel more in control.

namechange good for you and I agree you're brave. I'm.still stuck in limbo about my marriage. Dh isn't horrible or abusive or even ever angry (that's my role) but the...nothingness is what I struggle with. No sex, no conversation, no shared interests (or desire to on his part), no empathy, no compromise. I could go on. I feel like I'm reducing the longer we stay together. But it doesn't feel bad enough to leave and implode our family life. Sigh.

I divorced my Aspergers husband two years ago, after a fifteen year marriage. Some of his actions and behaviours were so difficult and appalling, and my own mental health and that of our child suffered so much, that remaining married was simply not an option for me. He is a Harry Potter dementor, with spells of Mr Tumble thrown in (these usually happen after he's been reprimanded by me/his employer/DD/anyone because of his behaviour). Both myself and child are thriving on our own - we have colour and vibrancy in our life again. I'm getting a whole new sense of myself. My joy is back, after having been sucked out and after I turned into a gray shell of myself during marriage.

So, to those of you struggling, I'm sending empathetic hugs. To those of you nervous and scared about ending the relationship, take heart that in the long run, after you've had time to deal with the practicalities and start to heal, it may well turn out to be one of the best things you've done. Both for yourself, and your children.

Namechange you are very brave, braver than me. I hope things get better for you soon .

I totally relate to the joylessness,I feel like he has sucked it all out of me and I don't even know who I am anymore. It's been 15yrs, I've been with him since I was 17. I feel like I am only young, I could make that break and start a whole new life but I am terrified he is all I have known my whole adult life. I love him dearly but he is never going to change, I've tried changing and it doesn't help so I am not sure what is left to try.

I applaud you. I’m amazed you’ve lasted this long.

I married young to a man who was later diagnosed with Aspergers. The day I had him served and later walked into a flat without him in sticks with me now. I felt so FREE. Genuinely liberated.

Go live your life. Don’t ever feel guilty.

If we didn’t have kids, you wouldn’t see me for dust....but we do. And he’s a great dad
:(

I joined an online forum but had to reset my computer recently so lost the link and can't remember the name of it. Saw this thread mentioned in another post here from an OP asking why we stay when we know we should leave...

My DH is undiagnosed though we both recognise that he ticks a frightening number of boxes on the 'list'. I really tried to make our relationship work but felt worn out and worn down - so many of the posts here could have been written by me and I feel for everyone who is going through this or has gone through it and trying to start over.

For myself, I've made the decision to stay because for various reasons I am not able to leave. But I stay on my own terms - since we have lived for many years more as friends rather than as married couple, I have made it clear that this will continue and I am not interested in anything else. I will continue to 'keep house' as I've always done, but now I actively look for ways to pursue things that bring me joy and no longer wait for him to show an interest in what interests me because he does not do that. He's never done that. And he's not going to. So I no longer wait or expect or hope. And that's okay. I'm connecting with people and making friends online, so no longer feeling isolated and cut off, without any kind of social life.

I have changed the way I speak to him. Now I'm just clear and concise and factual. If I don't want to do something I simply say so, without apology or explanation. If he's droning on and on about his special interest, I tell him I've had enough for now and I go and do something else. I no longer debate or argue, just walk away, and its much more peaceful. If we really need something doing to the house, rather than discuss it with DH and then find myself in an endless loop of further discussions or rather, in our case, a denial of ever having had the discussions in the first place, I just arrange for someone to come and do it and pay them rather than wait for DH to 'sort it' because that will never happen either.

Some may feel I've just given up or given in. Personally, I feel like I've given myself permission to be who I am and enjoy my life and though it's very early days, I can feel myself waking up and my heart is stirring with 'life' again. Joy flutters at unexpected moments and takes my breath away. He is who he is. But I am who I am, too. For too long I denied myself, put my life and mental health and happiness on hold waiting and hoping and praying things would change. I couldn't understand why he seemed to changed so much soon after we married, and so many times I feared I was the cause somehow. But its not true.

I am married to a man with ASD.

I loved him when we married. I love him still. I know that he will never change. So I am changing. Ours has been a long and difficult journey and its not over yet. Like so many of you, I got lost/left behind/forgotten/ignored along the way but now I am owning my own life and we are staying together under conditions I have set, which allow me to live without fear, guilt or frustration. I no longer function as his 'carer' so if he messes up its his own fault and I do not 'rescue' him. We get along fine and enjoy some social time together, and he does talk in terms of 'our' future but I don't kid myself that its going to be any different than it is now, and knowing that I am okay with that and have taken steps to live my own life has been remarkably cathartic and freeing for me.

I should say that I have no interest in meeting someone else and starting over in that sense. Remaining with DH suits me for several reasons and we are happy together within our ability to be so. That's the key.

Leaving may be best for you, especially if you have children. Staying may be better. Do what's right for you. Just don't give up hope. You will find the right solution/path for you.

I wish you all the best.

I'm in the same boat as misty, I regret getting to this position but we are where we are, and she's a fabulous caring Mum. To be honest her behaviour only really deteriorated after DS1 was born. I think the hormonal aspects of babies, periods, and menopause add another layer of complexity.

This thread has been invaluable, I have tried to be less demanding and this seems to have reduced her anxiety.

@theseraph

You have summarised where I am at very well
It’s been a long journey with a lot of hurt and anguish on my part and I couldn’t understand what I was doing wrong - I felt like I was going insane

I think I am nearly at acceptance. I feel angry at times that I didn’t sign up for this kind of a marriage and why didn’t he tell me ....but nearly 20 years later here I am

I am married to some one with ASD. He doesn’t realise and he can’t help it but he is cold, unsociable and joyless most of the time. We haven’t had sex in nearly 10 years.
We can’t have a meaningful conversation.
He has some good qualities and cares deeply about the kids and in his own way he loves me .

I have a challenging job, friends , hobbies and I actively enjoy my life. I go on holidays/ short trips with friends or on my own.

I feel so damaged I would never want another relationship. So I have made the decision to stay.

I am grateful for this thread a lot has resonated with me

Theseraph - yes that's how I speak to my OH now. Absolute fact and emotionless and it does seem to help. Maybe it reflects how he sees life and therefore he can relate to words when they are presented as facts rather than led by an emotion he can't comprehend?

We can discuss fact-based things, he can converse on the subject of 'things', but lacks the ability to understand how emotions can be tied in, so I leave them out. Speaking to him as though he's a cross between a six year old and a dog does seem to get through!

For the parents of people with ASD (like me and a few others on here), and those with ASD... please don't be too disheartened by this thread! It sounds grim (and at times it is) because this is where we are offloading and emphasising the problems.

BUT! My DS is much more emotionally intuitive than his dad, I think in part due to me working hard with him. Having a dog has been brilliant for him- he has to do non verbal communication to work out what the dog wants, and he has to be physically affectionate because the dog demands it. It's a joy seeing him fuss the dog, and I live in hope the dog has taught him how to love a partner too!

Both DH and DS have qualities that make them great partners, as long as you take them as they are and don't demand what they can't offer.

To make it work we have to adjust our expectations, spell out what works and what doesn't without sounding judgemental, and have really clear boundaries.

All marriages are the same, really, and our partners are compromising just as much as we are (though we probably can't see that).

Hmmm Thankyou everyone for posting. I have been seeing DP for two years but it is problematic and hasn't really progressed (commitment wise). All this time I've been convinced it's me, or an OW, but reading this, I'm not so sure. I've shied away from armchair diagnosing, because that doesn't seem on, but all of a sudden things about him make sense.

He does not value my high achieving career at all, his is more important and higher stress even though it is part time. He works part time because his needs the head space. When he has a contract, he goes to ground and I do not hear from him. When he's done, he will resurface as if nothing has happened and then wonder why I'm frosty.

If it's not his idea, it's not happening. End of. I've stopped initiating things at all. This includes sex. He finds it aggressive if I initiaite things.

If I call him when he's watching a film, he will not engage with me. I found this baffling because I would just pause the TV.

When I get upset about something that has happened to a family member - because my empathy dial is set to high - he says but it isn't happening to you. He's puzzled.

He is kind, he has a calm demeanour, is passionate about his one interest, he is fascinating, I adore him. He knows he is emotionally unavailable to the point of using that phrase, and will apologise for being crap on occasion when he knows he is 'supposed' to act a certain way but it isn't genuine. When I read his needs accurately, e.g. I get his drink for at my house, it seems to mean so much to him that I've thought of him when I'm at Tesco. But it does feel like walking on egg shells.

Life seems to genuinely overwhelm him and I think that includes our relationship sadly. I went through a phase of thinking he was a Selfish heartless shit, but now, I think he's doing his best.

I think the problem comes, Pivot, when their best isn't even touching the sides of what is necessary. Being uncomforted when you are desperately upset because 'it's not happening to you' or being ignored when you need to talk something over because 'they don't know what they are supposed to say'.

We all have our very different standards and baselines. Some people are self-sufficient and can cope with a partner who gives no emotional support. Others want more. It's not the ASD partner's 'fault' as such, but the NT partner should have the right to say 'this isn't what I signed up for'.

I too am really valuing this thread and it's definitely giving me food for thought. I think the key phrase as a pp said Is, accepting them as they are and not asking for what they cannot offer.

But different people will be able to cope with this in varying ways. I need a lot of emotional support and, other than a partner, don't have any family to provide this. Friends can to a certain extent but not enough. Of course I wouldn't have this support if I was single either - but at least that would be the reason, rather than feeling invisible in a relationship.

It comes in peaks and troughs, my ability to cope with not being seen, and for today I have made the decision to stay. Who knows what tomorrow may bring. This helps with the constant angsting over the decision I find. One day at a time.

i agree that we're venting on this thread - in fact i wish mumsnet had closed chat groups so that you could chat without worrying about someone reading it. daft i think you're really right that some of the undiagnosed coping methods of aspies include narc and bullying behaviour to avoid themselves pain.

We can't have people over as DH makes me feel miserable because he's so anxious, he twitches over comments I make that are 'wrong' for ages, and if I try and get him to go out with friends or to any event not of his choosing (there are no social events he chooses) he gets very cross and will refuse to go if the kids play up about the babysitter or he can find any reason. Then he'll spend ages berating me about how the people we're seeing are idiots and it's a waste of his time etc. etc.

Of course he has many good sides - he meticulously plans a trip and a holiday venue so that he knows every detail. My DH writes people off because he spends a long time trying to think like them about what they want from a situation and intellectually engineer the empathy (exhausting) but when he gets it right and it is reciprocated it can be lovely. He loves animals, he's incredibly gentle with them.