Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

Oh don't get me started on films Daft! He can't watch most films (I'm a huge Sci Fi buff) because he sits there saying 'this isn't real, that can't happen'. There is zero ability to suspend disbelief. But he loves anything with spies and explosions, because they are 'real'. He laughs at really sad bits or tragedy ("it's not real! Hahahaha" as the protagonists are dying or facing an awful situation).

He usually just falls asleep at the cinema. And he sat through The King's Speech not realising it was based on real events. And thought 'Lord of the Rings' was going to be a heist movie (he makes it a point of pride NEVER to watch trailers).

Films! He loves films, watches lots, especially horror, but once it’s finished he can’t remember anything about it.
So we can’t watch a film together and discuss it later because he can’t remember the plot, the characters, the actors.

Sleeping, yep, out cold the minute his head hits the pillow, also been known to have an “old man nap” in the afternoon, often in the middle of me talking to him.

We don’t have conversations as such, we exchange information, often completely unconnected.
So he will say “there’s no rain due”
I’ll say “I know, the garden really needs it though”
He will reply “I must get my hair cut”.
I could reply “there are 3 tigers walking down the road”, he would continue to say whatever comes into his head.

And like the films, he doesn’t remember any “conversation” once it’s finished.

So frustrating.

We can't discuss a film because, well, what's to discuss? He'll announce it was good/bad/indifferent and that's about it.

He can't follow a complicated plot and spent most of last season Doctor Who saying 'I didn't understand any of that.' It ruins a film if you have to explain the whole plot afterwards.

My husband is the other way. He'll watch YouTube videos on the films we've watched for fan theories. We MUST watch them in order. He remembers everything, knows all of the Easter eggs, plot points etc. It's one of his special interests.

Mine cannot follow plots at all. He is super intelligent in any standardized test. Genius levels. So it’s hard for me to understand. Sometimes he will announce a huge revelation half way through a movie as if he’s much more tuned in than everyone else. It will always be something that was made explicitly clear in the opening minutes of the film. But it’s big news to him.

Hi everyone. I have made the gut wrenching decision to separate with my husband. I feel so guilty but I can't face it anymore. Along with many of the traits listed on this thread, he also cannot tell the truth if it hit him in the face. He lies about and controls all the money (he told me to leave my job because my wage was "just a drop in the ocean".... ) I left, but mainly to care for my young son as I know he would have just been plugged into the iPad all day if left with my husband. So now I'm totally in his pocket which feels very unsettling when there's final demands and loan applications dropping on my doormat. It is like walking on eggshells if I dare to question them. He seemed pretty resolute to the split, it's not the first time sadly which is my fault for going back and feeling like there was some hope, there isn't. We are now living in the same house , he has set up camp in the spare room (although he's been there for months) He's pretty happy with the Xbox in there. He is now yo-yo ing from happy and humming to himself around the house, to aggressive and talking through me. I have done my best to avoid him but when I hear his key in the door the anxiety in my chest is crushing. I feel so sad. I doubt he feels much. Needed to outpour. Thanks for listening x

I hope everything goes ok from now on. Definately don’t feel guilty, it’s ok to feel sad or angry but don’t add guilt.

For me too, the hardest bit was giving up hope. I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t fall in love with me or force himself to say the words I Love You. Even now I don’t understand how someone who lies with utter ease couldn’t make himself say those words.
But if you’ve accepted that it is what it is, you’ll move on. Think of the happy carefree home you’ll have soon! It’s waiting for you. You just need to get through this hard hard bit. You can do it. Vent away here. We’re all totally understanding.

Good luck @namechange1357 xx

Finding out how similar they are is really helping me. I was starting to think so much of his behaviour was my fault or the way I reacted to things. Now I'm reading that so many of these men are the same - lack of emotional connection, inability to process things outside their experience, lack of imagination... it makes me feel so much better. I thought I just wasn't explaining myself properly, but it turns out that it really is HIM!

I wish he fell into the 'incredibly intelligent high achiever' bracket. I'd feel so much better about living a separate life. But he's not particularly bright either!

I just can’t rcplain how mine is a high achiever. He got lost going home once ( a 10 minute walk he’d done every day for 8 years).

*explain

Oh mine isn't stupid. It's just that he evinces no knowledge whatsoever of anything outside his 'special interest' (cars). He just doesn't care about history or psychology or languages or geography or...well, you get the picture. It's hard to have any kind of conversation with someone who really just doesn't understand either conversational norms or that anyone might want to talk about abstracts.

Mine is an undiagnosed Aspie. Nothing resonates in that article. We have a very positive, loving relationship. He's also in academia and cannot get the hidden contexts in films etc. Wouldn't change him for the world.

I'm halfway through this and I feel I have to place mark to read and respond. I suspect my DH is autistic too. My DS is. I'm reading through and I'm in tears, slight laughter in places and overall much empathy with so many of you.

I'll be back later once I've got dinner out of the way.

slane that made me laugh. We have lived in this house for 5 years, several times he has asked me the way to a nearby town/ pub/ place of interest that he’s been to dozens of times.

He also muddles up numbers fairly regularly so writes down a phone number or order number but transposes 2 of the numbers, thereby ringing the wrong number or ordering the wrong thing. If I ask how he’s got it wrong, he gets angry and says “I’m no good with numbers these days”.

He’s a recently retired high achiever, despite no academic qualifications after 0 levels, he ended up earning about 65k a year part time in IT.

My sympathies namechange - good luck.

You know if you feel worse when he comes home that it’s time to move on namechange,
I hope the future is lighter and better and you start to feel hope.

That's great, Andromeida. I honestly don't know if I'd have the guts to start again with a volatile, unpredictable 'ordinary' bloke. For all there are frustrations in out marriage, I trust him completely. I've never felt untrusted just invisible! , and pretty much feel safe and secure at all times.

Each of us and our DPs have strengths and weaknesses, it's about finding a combination that works, I guess.

This made me laugh last night and think of this thread. I said to DP 'I love you' and he replied 'thank you' .

He very rarely responds in any other way to me saying that than by saying 'do you?' in a conversational sort of way so I suppose it made a change?!

Hi all, this is an interesting read. I've suspected dh has aspergers too and all of your descriptions are a carbon copy of him! Some aspects of his personality are charming and cute but many are frustrating and painful to tolerate. We've been together 12 years and we're in our early 40's. I want dc and a bloody sex life to create them! He is cold and indifferent and always puts his interests first. Our marriage is failing. What has stopped me from leaving him so far is his loyalty and innocent attitude even though he is excessively anxious and negative. He can't grasp why I'm trying to discuss and resolve our issues; apparently I'm just a gobby trouble causer! He won't even seek counselling or even speak to his best friend about his problems. Like many other posters he's witty and we have in-jokes. He won't watch most films or crime dramas, they seem too mature and require too much concentration. Instead he watches the same tv dramas and comedies from decades ago, I now know their scripts and every facet of their incidental music. He makes me feel neglected but I don't think he means to be that way. Again he gallops ahead walking down the road and has no time for me when I'm ill. I'm afraid I am quite vocal about my disappointment of him. He disturbs my sleep with excessive fidgeting and couldn't care less if it affects my health. His energy for twitching, tidying well piling up household objects irrationally, walking and cycling is boundless. His efforts to show me any attention or affection seem to be permanently exhausted. His Mum complained of him screaming as a child and when we met he came across as fairly shy. He only bathes a few times a week but furious sweeping and vacuuming are obsessions of his. His uncle was a recluse, his df is very similar and a cousin of his almost certainly has autism too, due to his shyness, outbursts and very they all display extreme routine behaviour. He also has irrational dislikes of so many things, eg harmless tv presenters., distant neighbours. He can be a wee bit joyless and picks and chooses which social events he can be bothered with. Phew! long story that!

The joylessness and negativity resounds with me icantbelieve. I find myself turning into a Pollyanna with my efforts to try to turn his downbeat 'everything's rubbish' attitude into something more positive. And I'm frankly sick of it. I'd love him to be enthusiastic about something, or anticipatory or even just a bit happy!

Do others feel that they too have become joyless after years of living like this. That upsets me a lot.

I thought I was a horrible human being. I thought I would never have friends and I thought I was just an awful person. Because he criticised me and was so negative all the time. He made me feel like I was worthless.

I’m divorced and have a good circle of friends I can be spontaneous sous and I laugh. I never used to laugh. Not just laugh. He is another who watched the same programmes from when he was a teen. And had prescribed music that was allowed.