Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

That is so tricky though, Zaphod. Trying to imagine what someone else would like... also dp has no aesthetic sense at all, so if he bought personal things (clothes, jewellery, handbags) it would be very hit and miss.

We use the amazon wish list now. I fill it up with loads of things I fancy, and he chooses some he'd like to give. At first he thought he was supposed to get everything on the list (I got two almost identical pendants, rather than him choosing just one).

And yes, totally unable to pick up on hints. "Ooh look, I'd love that. Isn't it pretty. I've been looking for one of those for ages." Nope.

Left to his own devices, he'd get me something completely random that 'women like'. A foot spa, a smoothie machine.

A foot spa!!! Oh my god, memories. My mIL received 2 footspas! And was about to get s third before I put a stop to it.

I strongly suspect my husband has aspergers, although theres never been a diagnosis. He's definitely had all the signs of aspergers in all the 18 years we've been together. He's cold, behaves like a robot, never displays any signs of affection, he never responds to emotions, does not care if we cry (myself and daughters). He has no opinions of his own, he tends to repeat phrases and statements he's picked up on from the people around him, whether that be from a TV show (he tends to watch a lot of TV, completely zoned out of family life) or work colleagues. He is so easily influenced by what other people do, he can change hus mind about something in an instant if he sees a random stranger doing the opposite of how he's doing something. He is socially awkward and it can be embarrassing, his voice goes on a high pitched note, and he adapts a strange girly laugh as if to make people take him under their wing, hes constantly seeking reassurance, often asking random strangers for help when we're out as a family, even though we don't need help, and I've told him we're doing things correctly, everything's fine. He tends to draw attention to us when in public. But for me the lack of affection is what I've found hard to bare, the total lack of attentiveness towards me and the children. Even at our wedding he had yo be reminded to hold my hand, likewise in the delivery room. He's never called me by my name either, in all the years we've been married, as if he's in a permanently shy mode, too shy to speak to his own wife! I've read up a lot om the subject over the years, it's been reassuring to know that I'm not the only woman in an aspergers marriage. Although my husband simply will not hear of it, he accused me of making fun of him when I suggested he may have aspergers, and he rubbished all the books I'd been reading on the subject.

Oh wow I hadn’t thought of the need for constant reassurance. I’d never thought of that as being part of his aspergers! If we were out and about he would constantly be asking strangers for help or advice. Constantly asking for directions when we didn’t need them or totally disregarding information on posters and needing reassurance from an actual person. When twitter arrived he was always asking strangers opinions on things he was more expert in himself.
I could never find any logic in it.

I just don't know what to do. I mean I'm very fond of him, he would be devastated to know I felt it wasn't the relationship I wanted, but he would be incapable of comprehending why, or doing anything about it. So, do I dump him for something that is unfixable and isn't his fault (I'm not bothered about meeting someone else) or try to work on it?

My sex drive is non existant now, he doesn't understand that either, thinks it's just a 'woman's thing'. We were having sex one night, it hurt. I told him it was hurting and he replied 'it'll stop hurting in a bit' and carried on. Now, in my book that's sexual assault. But he just wouldn't understand why.

It's a little like someone with an IQ of 20 pretending to be a genius until you are in a relationship, then reverting back to normal IQ incapable of understanding why you want to be with a genius...

Similar story here, Zaphod. All the conversations about what feels good for me and what doesn't come to nothing. It just isn't a risk i want to take any more! How old are you? I'll be honest, I've thought through the pros and cons quite rationally. I've decided this is a better option, and have worked hard to make it as good as I can.

Louby, I'd be surprised if he doesn't care about you and the girls crying. It's quite likely that he doesn't notice, doesn't process that it is relevant, or doesn't have a clue what to do so ignores it.

A bit like when the children talk to you and a pan is boiling over. You barely even register someone spoke, because you are focussed on the pan. When DH is watching TV, he simply doesn't notice anything else.

Reading this thread has made me realise my DH probably has Asperger's. Our counsellor suggested he get tested for it, but I was reluctant, because I felt it would give him an excuse to put his feet up and never consider my feelings again.

Can I ask, did getting a diagnosis help your relationship?

I'm 57, pickle, rapidly heading towards 58, he's a few years younger.

I find it VERY odd that his family are so oblivious (although his DF gives every sign of also being ASD). Can they really have got so far through life and not realised that there was something very wrong? When he told his sister he (for which read I) thought he was Aspergers, she immediately responded 'no you aren't!' A bit like they'd normalised his behaviour (a lot of which is quite manifestly very, er, 'quirky' shall we say?) and now felt guilty that he never got help at school. But when we were young I'm not sure there was any kind of diagnosis like this, kids were left to sink or swim.

Some of our relatives think it's ridiculous to 'label' someone because of their personality type. The most vocal one happily lives alone, has no friends, worked for the same company until he was made redundant etc. Extremely intelligent, left a prestigious uni with a first, then ended up on the dole then a YTS some years later.

DH self diagnosed. He watched a programme, identified strongly with the awkward lead. We all did the AQ test. We'd already identified DS1 as likely, but DH beat his score soundly much to his own shock.

It definitely made things easier. He recognises now that he may be over or underreacting to things. I can point out he's being a bit 'spectrum'y, and he grumbles but backs off a bit.

I was thinking earlier why I can live with DH despite everything. I think that he is fixed in his ways, but they are fairly good ways. So he vacuums far more than is necessary, does housework when I don't want him to (spoils my washing) and saves ferociously. If he spent irresponsibly, hoarded significantly more than he does, or refused to eat out, it would be tricky.

@picklemepopcorn that's helpful, thanks. My DH is similar in some ways - he's very conscientious about his chores, so it's in many ways a good thing. I feel like it's partly his personality - he is a nice person, who was brought up by nice people, so I can see he's trying his best. It's just that his best is somewhat soul-destroying to live with. I'm not sure if I can or should live the rest of my life without sex, for instance. He blames his lack of interest on my weight gain, but I've not really gained much, and other men still fancy me (well, as much as they are going to at 49 )

Mine has a pathological attachment to his dog. She's a rescue and has attachment issues, which means she can never be left. Most people would be working to teach the dog gradually to be left alone - he just takes her everywhere. Which means when he is staying with me we can go nowhere. Nowhere. Not to the shop, or out to visit my kids or for a day out to a stately home, or for a meal. Just to walk the dog. Oh, she can sit in the back of the car for ten minutes if we have to pop to the shop, but no longer (well of course not, it's bloody hot in the car!). So my life is restricted not just by him, but by him encouraging his dog to be clingy too!

Hello all, what a wonderful thread, you seem to be writing about my life.
I’m 64 married to H for 15 years, together for 18. 2nd marriage for me, 3rd for him - yes I know. I was divorced with 3 teenagers. We met online.
With the benefit of hindsight there were red flags aplenty, but I thought it would work out. I should have listened to that voice telling me that things were wrong , but he was so keen to get married ASAP, over keen I realise now. I was briefly his special interest.
Not long after we married I thought he might be ASC, he did the AQ test as a bit of fun and scored highly, but it was ok, he joked that he was “a bit autistic”. He worked away a lot which gave me some space.

Fast forward, we’re both retired and it’s hell. Absolute hell. He’s here all the time, I get little respite. Life is dominated by his rules, rigidity and general AS ness, we have to eat at the same time every day, he plans everything to the nth degree (if we’re going shopping to our local market town in a week’s time, he’s already planning that he’ll walk the dog at 7am so we can have breakfast and hit the road - market town is only 30 mins away so not exactly a day trip). He seems to live by ticking boxes, he has lists on his phone and all his chores need to be ticked off before he can relax. So much more I could say but I don’t want to write an essay. It’s like living with a housemate, there’s no intimacy of any kind between us.

He has one friend who he sees about 3 times a year, he has adult children who he has a poor relationship with, because they have to fit in with his schedule, he cannot be flexible. He sees them about once a year. He’s socially awkward, we have no social life together.

I survive by having lots of hobbies, by getting out with friends and by getting involved in volunteering. I want to get out, and I could afford it but, as someone upthread said, it would be like abandoning a wounded puppy in the road. My ducks are in a row however, which is a comfort.

I think it was mentioned at the beginning of this thread, there is a website for partners of people with ASC, www.different-together.co.uk. It’s very helpful and the forum there is very supportive.

OMG the wounded puppy! I'd missed That but so true.

DW has the most extreme attitude to tidiness and cleaning. I'm kind of little and often so figure it's good enough that's okay.

DW does nothing all week and will then spend a whole afternoon blitzing one square metre of the house because when she does it she does it properly.

I have to beg neighbours not to give us their junk, DW cannot bear to throw anything away.

She painted the outside of the house with a 2" brush because that's the one that feels nice. I did offer to buy a bigger version of the same brush but no...

Slings, that sounds so familiar! I've knocked a few edges off my chap I think. But he can't get vary his morning routine- he can get up earlier, but the routine stays the same. He's relaxing with age, as he becomes less stressed I think.

I bet our partners could write equally long lists about how odd we are! Mine would say I'm inconsistent, i walk the dog at random times of day, can't be trusted to remember to put the right bins out, and don't research my options adequately before buying things. I impulse buy, and eat non breakfast foods at breakfast. I don't keep my CDs in alphabetical order, and would occasionally run out of key items like peanut butter if he didn't 'help' with the shopping. All very odd from his POV.

I’m laughing at the 2 inch paint brush!! Mine has find something like that but only because he didn’t know bigger ones existed. Well that was his excuse. He just probably used what was there with zero thought.

Mine just texted me - there's stuff going on in his life and he's told me he's going to lie awake worrying. I just texted back 'welcome to my life'. He usually just lies down and 'deactivates', like a robot switching off, because of a lack of internal life. Whereas I'm awake for ages every night thinking through my day, worrying about stuff, making mental lists.

He really thinks it's something out of the ordinary not to just go to bed, lie down and woosh, be asleep.

@Daftasabroom Your DW cleaning one square metre of the house is eerily familiar. DH used to do that with gardening. Insist it was his job to garden. he loves gardening, and twice a year he'd go out and painstakingly weed a square meter of garden, right at the back behind a hideous old bush - so no one could see what he'd done. He'd be so proud of it. I put up with this for years, then got so fed up, I went out and mowed the meadow of a lawn, cut down all the brambles and burned them, weeded the patios etc all in one afternoon. he was baffled. He was going to do all those jobs, he said. But when? It took him four years to regularly control that one square meter hidden behind the bush. I just didn't understand for so long.

ha, my DH can't clean or tidy anything because the level of disorder in the place when he starts overwhelms him and he gets so grumpy and berates us about the mess so not worth the effort. He was embarrassed to discover he didn't know how the washing machine and dishwasher worked when I went on holiday on my own a few years back though and now he knows in theory how they work!

It's funny because although he loves order, yes, he never keeps his stuff tidy and also, he hates throwing anything away. He says he has no clothes, but he's got a wardrobe full of stuff that he can't wear but won't get rid of. Fortunately the only other thing he hordes is books.

He really thinks it's something out of the ordinary not to just go to bed, lie down and woosh, be asleep.

This is so my dh! Bed is where I quite like to have a chat about the day, but as soon as he's horizontal he's gone. He frequently falls asleep when I'm mid sentence and I used to poke him awake!

Also, the routine thing - he has always got up early. Before kids he hated having a lie in and would want to be up and about whereas I would want a lazy shag. Downhill from there on that front...

Well he's truly showing his ASD colours at the moment as I'm not very well and he just has no sympathy or empathy, beyond checking whether it's catching or not (its bloody obvious it's not)

I spent all night in Labour. I was annoying him so he slept in the other room. In the morning I was ready to go hospital, but he came into the room angry asking if he had to cancel the meeting he’d organised 300 miles away. ( I was 11 days over due when he arranged the meeting).

The falling asleep mid sentence drives me mad too. He says he just equates laying down to sleeping and having me there is even more comforting and helps him sleep Not great when chatting!

i suppose it IS a compliment, my DH would ideally like me to be always present, but silent :) A comforting, silent presence.

He also nearly always falls asleep in the middle of conversations if we're ever having one, at some point it's just zzzz.

You have to get used to pointing out the obvious (this baby will arrive, so don't make plans that month).
DH was told we'd be busy when DS1 arrived, so he went and got all his hair shaved off to save time.

I went through funeral prep with my DSs, because it was their first and I didn't want them to be thrown off by anything. I explained Church then crem, following the hearse etc. I didn't think to mention that we don't stand around and watch the flames at the crem- he couldn't understand why we had left before it was done.

DW lies her head down, closes her eyes, and that's it for the night. I wish I could bottle it - I'd be a millionaire.

Films too, about a third of the way through.