Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

To be honest, I may make different choices if I had my time again. I'm not saying anyone should stay.

Sex- we don't do that anymore. He decided I don't like that sort of thing (as opposed to 'gave up trying to explain what does/doesn't work for me').

Emotional needs, well I'm pretty self reliant now, I had friends I could have a rant at, and had therapy for a while which helped me hugely. What made me needy was expecting something from him and being constantly disappointed. Once I gave up any expectation, I actually needed so much less. A lot of my need was actually self inflicted, in a way.

Now he can listen to my family dramas (my family are loopy), tell me he thinks I'm being reasonable, say 'that's a bit rubbish, isn't it'. I know he will always be there, that he will support me, not begrudge me taking time to deal with my mother, etc.

For example, my BiLs support of my sister actually winds her up- he tells her how awful her family is, how she should stand up to them etc. He stirs up so much trouble, and her kids are struggling too. It's all very volatile, like kids psyching each other up on the playground. He appears more supportive, but he really isn't.

I stopped doing his washing when he came home one day when I had a 1 and 2 year old to look after all day plus working my job in the evening and said "look at this shit pile. There are shit piles all over this house!" It was very definitely my fault cause I'm obviously at home all day doing fuck all but drink cups of tea.
He didn't lift a finger then either so I thought "Fuck this! If I stop doing his washing, then there'll be one less shit pile in the house for him to moan about as I'll have time to tidy the toys away and he won't be able to complain about it"

Excellent, and did it work? I find I have to be blunt and persistent to the point of rudeness, which was tricky at first. However, he isn't offended by rudeness and stubbornness. So I try not to be offended when he seems rude and stubborn!

It's like, trying to redefine socially acceptable.

But how can you be intimate with someone who dont show loving emotions? I can relate to giving up, are fed up explaining to him - but that would be the end for me. I am truly interested in your coping strategies in this area, as i find it so difficult and Really want to cope..

7 years on, he has piles of washing lying around the house
He lets it pile up for weeks, then does about 4 loads of washing. If I'm lucky he'll remove it from the washing machine. If I'm not lucky, it will stay there until I crack and bundle it into a black bin bag. It then sits in our bedroom for weeks/months going all stinky and manky. Then he realises he hasn't got any clean clothes. He'll wash and dry enough to last him a few weeks and then the process starts all over again.

I have enough on my plate trying to wash and dry one wash a day that I do for me and the kids. I haven't got the time, energy or inclination to do his as well! I'm too busy bringing up 2 autistic kids almost single handedly.

He can be emotionally supportive most of the time if someone has upset me and he brings home the bacon but that's about it. Everything else, I do alone.

Does he use a smart phone? DS1 sets an alarm on his phone to remind him to get his washing out of the machine.

Intimacy is a funny one, depending what you mean. We aren't particularly intimate I suppose. We certainly aren't touchy feely. We hug, usually when I have told him I need one. We walk arm in arm (stops him sprinting off ahead). Physically he is very uncoordinated, so struggles with balance. He can't adjust his posture to accommodate someone else, so no snuggling on the sofa, walking with his arm around me etc.

My DH once said I was harassing him when I tried to hug him, he hates it unless he initiates
it which is only in extremes crises. The two times death related things have happened he’s completely shut down. I’m not especially huggy, like that with other people except my family.

flob we never have people round because anytime anyone comes over he always apologises for it being a pig sty etc.

We’ve been together so long I prefer it tidy now as I can’t relax but I wish my DH wouldn’t only comment when he feels it’s not up to standard.5

It's funny, I thought I'd figured out which traits of DP's were due to the Asperger's, but, according to this thread, there are more: his inability to make sense of finances, despite being a scientist and using numbers every day; his lack of intimacy (ok, not so much of a surprise, but I'd pinned it down to other reasons); the little contact he has with his children (especially the one who lives in France so who he doesn't see so much - I'm curious as to whether she wants more contact with him now).

Mine is excellent with finances but that's because it's a manefestation of his desire to 'put things into order'. I think there may be some underlying undiagnosed OCD issues, because he likes his house tidy, and will do housework. But he did make me laugh when he said once 'our relationship is great, we never argue!'.

We never argue because we never talk about anything above a 'another nice sunny day - oh, not it's too hot' level. As far as I am aware, he has never had a deep meaningful conversation in his life. And the worst thing is that he doesn't know this because he doesn't realise deep and meaningful conversations even exist.

My husband is the same, we talk about the weather a lot too. Or what to watch on tv. Or we just eat. That's about it really. This is so hard. I've made the decision to leave and I know it's the right thing but it's making me so sad. I feel like I'm ripping my children's worlds apart because of my own selfishness to feel happy inside. The past has been so rocky and I can't face another 15 years of the same.

@namechange1357
If there is one thing I can safely say, it’s that I was happy to see my mother happy finally. It’s awful having an unhappy parent. And you cannot hide it. She was horrible to live with. She couldn’t hide her deep unhappiness. Though even now she thinks she did

She met a man 5 years after they split, but blimey she became a different person.

I think there are so many different dynamics at play but this thread is a revelation.

I'm now looking at DW with same prescience that I have learnt to use with DS1.

Demand less is definitely tip of week.

Weirdly DW it's quite affectionate in a peculiar way, when she gives a hug it is so light and has no "depth", it's sometimes like she is taking a hug rather than sharing one.

Here’s one. His oven at his house is faulty. Dd wants to bake and asked him to get it fixed.

No. Because he doesn’t use it.

My father asked my brother to water plants when he is on holiday. My brother ranted to me, that people who have plants should be around to look after them, how is it his responsibility to water them. Etc etc.
I just said, you do it for someone you care about as a favour and out of kindness.
He just did not get it at all on any level.

We live v v close to my parents. DW had been asked to water my parents next door neighbours garden; fine no problem.

My parents go away for a week. DW complains that my parents hadn't asked for their garden to be watered and it was looking really dry. But she refused to water it because she hadn't been asked!!!

Keep em coming, this is making me feel better!

Does anyone watch Friday night dinner? My life...

Oh I know this is about partners, but adult child diagnosed, oh yes ...

Omg flobalob I could have wrote that post myself. Totally my H and life too. Big Hugs to you xxx

H spends over an hour planning and making his dinner, I ask him if it tastes nice/he's enjoying it ... his response 'I dunno I'm just eating It'

Oh Side, mine gets me new tyres for the car. Because I need them and can't afford them and he doesn't know what else I might like.

Despite me almost daily pointing at things in shop windows and saying 'ooh isn't that lovely' and having three daughters who know my taste and what I like and that he could ask.

I am very grateful for the tyres, obviously, but just for once I'd like something non-practical that shows he notices me as a person and not just as a talking thing that goes about with him.