Is anyone married to someone with Aspergers?

[theboxofdelights]

Because I have just reached my limit.

Long marriage this sums it up perfectly and today I have had enough.

Not sure why I am posting really, my ducks are in a row (as of last autumn), he will leave our home to focus on his career which has become an obsession, he works every morning noon and night, seven days a week (academic). The only time he isn't working is devoted to cycling or swimming.

We are a permanent inconvenience, even watching a family film involves him working on his laptop. Dinner out involves him writing down things that come into his head and getting short if he is interrupted.

Any conversation involves him staring into space thinking about his work.

I will be able to manage financially, just about, unless he wants half of the deposit (which was a gift from my parents), then we will need to move house.

I have tried so hard, I have spent years making allowances but have reached the end of the line. Even though I know it is the right thing for me and DC I am sad.

I haven't told anyone yet, nothing has changed really apart from me recognising that he will never be who I want him to be.

I am independent financially and socially - have worked hard for that over the last three years after giving my career up when DC were small.

He can't be bothered to make any effort socially, no one is interesting enough apart from one of my friends. He develops an interest in everything I do, i.e. wants to piggy back onto it which is stifling.

DC won't be surprised, they prefer it when he isn't here and actually say things like 'we love it mum when dad is away, everything is so calm and happy'.

Definitely the right thing but still.

But many people don’t want that tile of being an understanding cater to someone who through zero fault of their own cannot form an intimate relationship that fulfills both parties.

No woman deserves to have to put up with a manchild, no matter whether or not it's his "fault".

Slane, Holy and Eight, respectfully, our experiences may well be different.
There are people with ASD who are also unpleasant. Also, narcissism can sometimes be confused with having ASD

I don't think ASD would allow anyone to wilfully manipulate others into a relationship. My DH couldn't wilfully manipulate himself out of a paper bag.

As for a man child, well perhaps, but while he is childlike in some ways, he is also very mature and wise in others. He's faithful, doesn't do drama, and calms my emotional drama down as well! He's good around the house, a good provider, completely reliable within his own capacity. I may have 'settled' in some ways, but I don't get lots of trying behaviours other people put up with!

And of course, no one should have to stay in a marriage that doesn't work for them.

I'm saying that both of our perspectives are valid- that he is a stick in the mud/extremely diligent and responsible and I am flighty/spontaneous and creative.

When you change your perspective, it's easier to make things work.

I guess I can’t. I can’t be that person who trains her husband for 10 years so that she can get a takeaway on the day she wants to eat one.
I think perhaps you have worked very hard to make your relationship work too. I was unable to make those self sacrifices.

Slane, let's meet for a vodka

Can we make it a double ?

"why pretend you want a life you don’t. Unless you just want someone to do your laundry and facilitate your life be it financially or just day to day. "

Right. So autistic people are just emotionless and unfeeling people who can't possibly want partners or families for any other reason than personal gain.

OMG! Just had a lightbulb moment!
My dp is just as that article describes.

It's all about his work (even when I was earning 40k a year my work wasn't as important as his in his eyes). He works m-th, evenings, weekends. It's like he checks out of our lives for 10 months of the year but even in the school hols he still has to bloody work! His work has to take priority over everything and everyone.

He barely lifts a finger in the house. Will leave his shit lying around all over the place but then criticise me for the state of the house. But then twist it to say he meant all of us when it's clear that he only means me and the kids, not him because like a super hero HE, Mr master almighty, goes out to work. He works long hours don't you know!!!!! Conveniently forgetting that I work 20 hours a week (and only don't do more because we have 2 autistic children and they wouldn't cope being in childcare plus the cost of childcare would negate the extra hours I'd work).

Will twist everything when we're having an argument about said mess until I could scream.

Can rarely have a reasoned chat with the kids or show them a bit of empathy. 80% of the time he's talking to them he's telling them off. Consequently, the kids don't want to be around Daddy or have Daddy do anything for them so childrearing all falls to me and I find myself having to defend them alot.

Despite being superb at maths, cannot organise his finances to save his life. He was in huge amounts of debt when I met him and he still is.

Will say what he thinks to people which usually gets their backs up.

Also think that I'm on the spectrum so probably not easy to live with myself at times.

But, yes, got my ducks in a row too. I always make sure I give myself a few hours a week to myself when the kids are at school otherwise I'd go mad. I don't stop the rest of the week from 7am -10pm but, of course, in his eyes I don't work.

Plus....he wants me to work more. When I get extra work and he then has to look after our kids he moans about it. Every fucking time "oh, I suppose I'm going to have to have the kids then! How am I going to get my stuff done?" Because my work is flexible he also expects me to have the kids when I'm working. He can't see how unreasonable that is. When I say to him "do you take our kids to work with you?" But no, his work is different and more important so he can't possibly do that!!!!

Just placemarking really. I strongly suspect my ex Is on the spectrum. So does the school two of my kids went to who asked me, after a particular incident, if he had ever been assessed.

So much on this thread resonates. The inability to notice what is going on around him, the refusal to shower more often than every other day, regardless of what he has been doing, similar with dirty clothes. The cleaning up after him the rigidness and oh how lonely I was.

He is incapable of being emotionally supportive. My kids accept it, in a way that I could never do - he’s their dad and they have a different relationship with him. I was his carer in effect. I had to do all the practical stuff except that I never did it right and he constantly mooned.

20years and he couldn’t tell you how I took my tea. And always made it how he drank his. I know that sounds petty but it absolutely destroyed me. That one thing.

No birthday card or present. Ever. No Christmas presents. No nothing. No emotional support. Nothing.

He has a new partner now who my kids tell me is also on the spectrum in their opinion and is apparently very happy with her.

Moaned

@SegmentationFault
I think perhaps you’re missing the point of this thread. It’s about people’s personal experiences. And I hoped somewhere that was free from people laying endless guilt onto others about how they have ended up feeling about their partners or parents.

Thank you everyone else for being understanding! I wasn’t implying that people with asd have no feelings. I guess sometimes it just feels so calculated, even when perhaps it isn’t.

All you lovely people bending over backward to facilitate their lives and yet they seem utterly incapable in most cases of doing the same back.

I’ve just spent a week with my brother on holiday and it’s really it’s really shown, I just want to shout you fucking selfish prick sometimes but I don’t!

flob despite working full time myself for years with dc and doing most of the stuff round the house and supporting his travel for work at weekends, his 2 week work trips multiple times a year and earning £55-60k the last few years I never got him to see our work as anything like equal, because he earned more.

He rejects the notion of equality when people earn differing amounts as the stress of our jobs isn’t comparable.

I can see pickled points, and not all of our dh’s are the same - mine used to make me feel amazing but for the last 10 years as his career has gotten more successful he expects me to facilitate everything but then also doesn’t appreciate it as it’s not up to his standard.

See, I liked and admired my DH. I was on my knees, having therapy, totally failing to cope. He seemed unsupportive and uninterested. However despite that I could see he was a good person who just didn't have the qualities I was demanding from him.

As I asked less from him, he was able to give more. I became emotionally independent, self contained. I had to be really self confident, as i wasn't going to get my ego stroked by him! As time went on I knew how to ask for support and he started to see how to give it.

He respects me as well but it's tricky- he's very aware of my strengths and knows he doesn't have skill in those areas, but he struggles to see those things as important and worthwhile!

I'm not going to say it's been easy- it's been blooming awful at times. I've thought about leaving and been pretty despairing. But what we have now is rock solid, and we've taught each other so much.

The thing is, in a marriage it makes not a jot of difference who is right, who is typical. There are only two of you, so one isn't 'normal' and the other 'odd'. You just are who you are. The only thing that matters is can you make it work.

Despite the fact my DH can’t cope with both children on his own, or couldn’t until the youngest was 3, (he still doesn’t play with them, they either go to the playground or he puts a film on) any issues with the dc are due to my parenting.

Pickleme I feel the same about DW except she's not diagnosed and in denial, any mention that she may be on the spectrum or that she should or could modify her behaviour generally result in blue touch paper moments.

I think we have only made it as far as your first paragraph above.

I really admire your approach, thank you, much to take away.

You could avoid the 'diagnosis' and just make it specific to her?
DH was grumpy a while back. I told him he was stamping and banging a lot, was something bothering him? He worked out he was worried about the dentist. I reminded him that he's bound to be a bit stressed about it because he's not good with change (new dentist) and he doesn't like going to the dentist anyway. He really calmed down, just having identified it.

If you comment in a non judgemental way 'you tend to get cross when...' 'you often get upset about change...' 'could you be getting frustrated because ...', it may help her identify her triggers.

The vacuum cleaner thing- I'm irritated and don't use the vacuum for exactly the same reason. DH has bought several vacuum cleaners (on special offer) in case the current one breaks down and so we have spare parts. I prefer not to use them. I bought a different vacuum that I find easier to manage. We have three vacuums in current use (his, hers, the old one), and two new unused back up vacuums. Potty.

@picklemepopcorn

I wish I could meet you!

My husband is AS and drives me crazy but he's a good person.

He knows he's expected to buy presents for me for Christmas / Birthday. I gave him the responsibility of his family too and now they just exchange cards, which suits them all (FIL potentially AS too). He's not bothered about recieving presents. In fact, he'd rather go without but if I get him useful / practical gifts he is generally pleased.

In any relationship you have to learn how to make each other happy. There's just some things which require a bit more work (imo) with AS partners.

I could not do enough to make my ex happy. No matter how much I did it was never enough. He would't go out with me, wouldn't let me go out on my own. Wanted to know where I was all the time. Had rigid routines that he could not deviate from and was completely impervious to when he was impacting on others. Sex was one position only, on a saturday night and at no other time.

It was something I could not deal with.

Wish that's exactly it!!!!! In his eyes, his job is better because he earns more and he sees it as more stressful.

I know that if I worked full time he still wouldn't value my contribution any more and he would still expect me to do all the cooking, cleaning, bedtimes, bathtimes, hair brushing, tooth brushing, physiotherapy, shopping, all DC's medical appointments, dental appts, child rearing, Xmas shopping, birthdays, packing for holidays, house decluttering etc etc Therefore, I have no intention of working full time. I work enough to provide for me and the kids but also give me a bit of time off.

He has at least 6 weekends away a year on jollies with his friends which must cost at least a grand but will query why I'm spending £20 going out for Sunday lunch to give me a break from bloody cooking every day.

Ok, I'll stop ranting now! It helps me feel better though

Wish - you are describing my life. I wish I could meet you!

ha flob you are much wiser than me, I have spent too many years trying to win an unwinnable race. My DH is always railing about the amount of stuff the kids have - he always moans at Christmas about how much people have sent them on Christmas day to the extent I try and get people to agree not to buy (we do have large families and we do get a fair amount of stuff they don't need as most people do I expect).

Birthdays are the same - I had to tell him he had to have a small cake as the children don't understand why he doesn't want one, or at least some kind of dessert of his choosing we can put candles in.

I wouldn't SAH either though because he's not complimentary/appreciative about any aspect of parenting/stuff I do around the house - I only hear about the negative impressions he's had so it'd be another kind of unwinnable race, part time is probably the best option when the DC are small.

and I've had several birthday/anniversaries where he's told me on the day that he couldn't find anything he liked, but explained that he spent time trying. On his birthday we went out and he ranted about people in the cafe and called someone a c*nt (can't remember what their offence was now), he can be embarrassing at times like that.

What do you all do with your emotional needs? I Think it is so lonely that Husband is so distant. And sex. How can you be close and intimate with someone who dont show loving emotions? I Think it is incredible lonely and fighting not to give up...