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Original poster

Marriage counsellor has just made me angry- what should I do?

127 replies

badsurname · 14/06/2018 20:50

Went for first couples counselling session with stbxh this evening. We have been separated for nearly a year following me catching him in an affair.

I realise she was trying to be even but I felt attacked for the whole session. She basically said our marriage was clearly crap before (it wasn't ) and he agreed with her. While he may have agreed if he thinks back to when his mind was fuelled by lust and irritation at having to be separated from ow, if he thought back only six months more we were good and had been for 16 years. I don't think I am willing to go if she is going to require me to accept half the blame for his inability to keep his dick in his pants so what should I do;

A) request a new counsellor- it's provided by employee assistance programme.
B) go, but be clear with her next time that our marriage may not have been perfect but it was pretty damn good before he crapped all over it.
C) go but change the agenda to amicably divorcing and clearing the air rather than potentially reconciling so she stops defending him so much.
D)give up and try again in another year when I am less angry?!

I am so pissed off. It didn't help that he has the lurgy and has been "wfh" while ive been working hard in London, so she clearly didn't believe me that he was a workaholic who left me holding the baby while he was away all week working and shagging.

Please be gentle. I'm really upset

OP posts:
JoyTheUnicorn · 14/06/2018 20:53

If he's stbxh do you have to go to counselling at all?

Dermymc · 14/06/2018 20:55

Why are you having counselling if the marriage is over?

MeanTangerine · 14/06/2018 20:55

Honestly, for tonight I would recommend a glass of wine and a bath. Counselling is often talking in detail about the most painful moments of our lives - ones we don't normally even think about. It's like getting a broken bone set - short term it hurts like hell, longer term it helps you heal up right.

If you want to get some stuff out then I'd suggest writing it down on paper for now.

But otherwise just try to be gentle with yourself for now and come back to thinking about it tomorrow, if you can.

Next time remember, it is OK to tell the counsellor how you feel about them. (they'll want to explore why, of course, they're like 3 year olds that way).

MyWiFiHell · 14/06/2018 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ravenmum · 14/06/2018 21:04

Harness your anger and say to her loudly and clearly "I don't think I am willing to go if you are going to require me to accept half the blame for his inability to keep his dick in his pants". Then if you don't like the answer, get up and go home.

What is the point of this torture?

justignorethecat · 14/06/2018 21:07

God, poor you. Just what you don’t want to hear Flowers

SandyY2K · 14/06/2018 21:08

Same question...what's the counselling for if you're getting divorced.

B) go, but be clear with her next time that our marriage may not have been perfect but it was pretty damn good before he crapped all over it.

This is your opinion though. Your STBXH doesn't think it was goid does he.

In any case counsellors shouldn't really express their opinion in that manner. They shouldn't appear biased either.

If your agenda is divorce...then there's no need to rehash the marriage.

Isadora2007 · 14/06/2018 21:09

What is your purpose in going to counselling? I’m afraid I can’t agree your marriage was good if he had an affair. That’s not the same as saying it’s your fault though. It’s about looking at what went wrong and why. But I’m not sure you need that in your life now...

justignorethecat · 14/06/2018 21:11

I imagine he probably did think it was good Hmm but he was a prick who cheated.

RebelRogue · 14/06/2018 21:15

What is the counselling for?
Sadly some counsellors are shit. Even sadder is that when reconciliation is the goal,some counsellors will crap all over the injured party's feelings,gaslighting them alongside the partner until that goal is reached.

It really depends what you want/need from it.

Original poster
badsurname · 14/06/2018 22:03

I have filed for divorce but have extreme guilt/regret about being forced to be the one to officially break up my kids happy home so I thought it was worth a try before I apply for the decree nisi

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 14/06/2018 22:04

You might be better off getting individual counselling to help process the guilt x

pinkbobbles · 14/06/2018 22:05

You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about, OP Flowers

Original poster
badsurname · 14/06/2018 22:07

My agenda isn't divorce. I filed a few months ago when I could barely bear to look at him. Now I am feeling like a deer in the headlights again and unable to take the next step. So I was hoping counselling might help me make a decision.

Except I am so angry and upset tonight I feel like throwing in the towel and filing for decree nisi now to spite her. I realise that would achieve nothing.

OP posts:
PandaPieForTea · 14/06/2018 22:09

Do you think that there is a chance to recreate your kids’ “happy home” with him?

PandaPieForTea · 14/06/2018 22:11

I suspect you would be better off having counselling on your own to try to work out what you want or need. That might then lead you on to couples counselling, or not.

Ohyesiam · 14/06/2018 22:12

Op this sounds awful.Flowers
Take some space, everything sounds so raw and painful.
It might be quite cathartic to have a massive go at t he counsellor, so store that up as a potential, but just give yourself tonight off, and be kind to yourself.

MrsLandingham · 14/06/2018 22:13

MyWiFiHell obviously had the same experience at Relate as I did, many moons ago. OP, is this counsellor trained by Relate?

Original poster
badsurname · 14/06/2018 22:15

Sandy

*go, but be clear with her next time that our marriage may not have been perfect but it was pretty damn good before he crapped all over it.

This is your opinion though. Your STBXH doesn't think it was goid does he*

If he doesn't then I don't know why we are bothering. We had an unconventional (or very conventional if you were around in the 50s) split whereby I gave up work and did 100% of childcare/housework and he just wohp. Many of our friends shared parenting far more equally but he and I both thought we were doing it for the good of the family and carried on. Except I felt beyond taken advantage of when it turned out those business meetings I was neglected for were actually reenacting the kama sutra with some expenses champagne in a hotel. And quite frankly I am not surprised he wouldn't have preferred to be home dealing with norovirus to that!

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 14/06/2018 22:15

You need counselling on your own to deal with your own feelings. Only then,if you still feel like it you can attempt couples counselling.

Original poster
badsurname · 14/06/2018 22:17

I strongly believe that up until the affair started emerging he thought we had a good marriage. He snuck around buying me a diamond necklace for christmas, asking advice of my friends, to thank me for being so supportive during a difficult lengthy promotion process, then a few months later started shagging someone else!

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 14/06/2018 22:18

Go for your own counselling. And find a good one.

Like someone on here said, It's like a shoe that has to fit.

Counselling with a husband who has been having an affair is a road to nowhere, only his way.

Because as is known. He will manipulate the counsellor too until she sees through him. Don't waste the money. Better to spend it on your own counsellor.

Oh, and you didn't do anything to the kids. He did. When he threw a bomb into your marriage.

Original poster
badsurname · 14/06/2018 22:20

What is the counselling for?
Sadly some counsellors are shit. Even sadder is that when reconciliation is the goal,some counsellors will crap all over the injured party's feelings,gaslighting them alongside the partner until that goal is reached

Unfortunately that is exactly why I put (c) above. I feel like possible reconciliation has made her trample over my feelings as victim to try and make him feel heard. Maybe if it wasn't on the table she would take a different approach. I have no idea what I want. Sad

OP posts:
Somethingsfallendown · 14/06/2018 22:20

Divorcing him won't spite her-it just affects you
I'd be pissed off too. Trouble is the counsellor can only make assumptions on what they think they are hearing --not all are perceptive and some can do more harm than good. She should have gone throu yr history together a bit for background then she would have realised.

If u think u can trust him again and both want to make a go of it then I would change counsellor.Dont stay because of the dcs-it won't be a happy home anyway if there's no trust and tension surely?

ravenmum · 14/06/2018 22:21

What kind of qualifications does she have? My ex found himself someone from a similar programme, but it turned out she had just been on an eight-week course. I only had one with her, but she was clearly not up to the job.

My ex went all the way back to the day we first met in his rewriting of history, telling OW that we just kind of drifted together and never fancied one another, when in fact he was so keen he could hardly stand still, and asked me out on an extremely memorable, adventurous first date. He said we just somehow ended up sleeping together for want of anything else to do. He was the first man I ever slept with, so actually it was obviously a big deal.

In my case he spouted such a lot of patently incorrect crap that I'm also able to take the lies that are harder to prove wrong, about how the marriage was almost dead when he met his OW.

It's frustrating that so many people think a marriage has to be on it's last legs for an affair to happen - maybe the counsellor thinks that way too? It comes as a complete surprise to so many of us, but I suppose people think we are lying when we say that.

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