Marriage counsellor has just made me angry- what should I do?

[badsurname]

Went for first couples counselling session with stbxh this evening. We have been separated for nearly a year following me catching him in an affair.

I realise she was trying to be even but I felt attacked for the whole session. She basically said our marriage was clearly crap before (it wasn't ) and he agreed with her. While he may have agreed if he thinks back to when his mind was fuelled by lust and irritation at having to be separated from ow, if he thought back only six months more we were good and had been for 16 years. I don't think I am willing to go if she is going to require me to accept half the blame for his inability to keep his dick in his pants so what should I do;

A) request a new counsellor- it's provided by employee assistance programme.
B) go, but be clear with her next time that our marriage may not have been perfect but it was pretty damn good before he crapped all over it.
C) go but change the agenda to amicably divorcing and clearing the air rather than potentially reconciling so she stops defending him so much.
D)give up and try again in another year when I am less angry?!

I am so pissed off. It didn't help that he has the lurgy and has been "wfh" while ive been working hard in London, so she clearly didn't believe me that he was a workaholic who left me holding the baby while he was away all week working and shagging.

Please be gentle. I'm really upset

Do you think that there is a chance to recreate your kids’ “happy home” with him? Not when I am being told that the happy home wasn't happy! Any reminiscent feelings are pretty much shot dead as soon as she says our marriage was shit. But I do start fantasising about the happy times. So telling me the happy times were shit is pretty much tantamount to posting the divorce papers. Like shooting unicorns.

If he agrees with her that your marriage was not good, even if he's now misremembering, what will happen if you reconcile? Will it all be your fault? Will you have to jump through hoops to make the marriage better? You haven't broken up your children's happy home. He has.

Go to relate yourself for a couple of sessions, work out what you want before couple therapy. Get someone who knows what they are doing, who knows what employee assisted provide. Good luck

I’ve read this on here a few times now that the female counsellor ends up siding with the man and making the woman feel like crap. Individual counselling ends up being the recommendation usually so I’m going to go with that

I've had individual counselling. Thanks to everyone who has said that. Although I think that meant I was ill prepared for today as although my IC was clearly trying to be impartial I could tell she was on my side occasionally!

I have been to the gp yesterday and requested more counselling but will probably not happen until after the joint...

Sounds awful. Only go to couples counselling if you want to get back with him.

Could you ever trust him again because if not it's not going to work.

Is he still with OW?

Has his attitude to you changed?

Do you still want to be a SAHM?

Why does he want counselling?

Is he reacting to you filing for divorce?

I have no idea what I want. 

This is why you need counselling...by yourself. What you're doing now is an exercise in futility that's making you feel even worse.

Odds are that once you do figure out what you want...it won't be him anyways.

And you're not the one breaking up the family,he did it when he shagged someone else. He did it when he didn't take the full blame and take steps to help you heal. He did it when he agreed with a counsellor that's talking shit because it suits him. He has a lot to win..you have a lot to lose(including yourself).

Sorry for firing loads of questions but it seems if you get back together nothing will have changed.

well it has done its job.
he isnt going to accept responsibilty. stop torturing yourself and finish the divorce.

If he had an affair, there was something that he needed or wanted from your marriage that he wasn't getting. Clearly there were already issues in your marriage before he started up with the OW.

That said, if you think this counsellor is not for you, you're absolutely within your rights to find a new one. Do make sure that you think about it beforehand. If you're looking for someone who will tell you what you want to hear, that's not likely to be helpful.

This is your opinion though. Your STBXH doesn't think it was goid does he

How do we know that? Lots of men cheat. Lots of men are serial cheaters. Lots of men are entitled fuckwits who think they can have a lovely wife and also sex with other women, because why the fuck not.

She should have gone throu yr history together a bit for background then she would have realised.

She didn't do this at all. Probably would have been a good start. I'm making a list for next week's session. If I don't feel it is going better will request new counsellor.

It really didn't help that today he had a stinking cold and was wfh so jeans and a t-shirt. He looked the victim while I was dressed for work. She suggested he was "run down" because he had been overworked while I took advantage stuck at home with the kids. Actually I'd been "run down" at home with the kids and on medication. Had he gone in with his normal suited- booted city boy swagger I wouldn't have had to explain so many times that , yes of course he wanted to go out drinking £100 bottles of champagne on expenses instead of coming home to help me wipe up vomit. Doesn't mean the marriage was bad. That is just the way it is in the early years and I would have given my left arm to be out drinking champagne instead and still loved my husband!

OP you have spent a year getting yourself sorted, don't take a massive step backwards and have to do the hard stuff all over again when he shits all over it again.

So you only went for this because you feel guilty?

It sounds to me that you just want divorce, which is fine. He broke things, not you.

I think a lot of people are vulnerable to affairs, not because their marriage wasn't pretty good in general but because something/stuff in life rather than the partner was generally a bit lacking, be it job, , parental issues, business issues etc, there are also those who seem to be very prone when a lot of alcohol and opportunity presents itself, it often has very little do with a shit marriage and it annoys me when those who haven't been in this position presume your marriage was crap. When I asked my husband about his emotional affair/crush thing that went too far, he said there was absolutely nothing wrong with our marriage and he loved me to bits, he just wanted 'something' cheery to deflect from his mum dying and bad business issues (we work together) something and someone who seemed to care to brighten the day and I was too 'near' the issues. It's no excuse whatsoever I know but you most certainly are not to blame OP and my lovely ex very heavyweight agony aunt counsellor drummed that into me , I think if he thought the marriage was shit you would have had an inkling of it!! They just like rewriting history to justify

After our first counselling session I asked my husband who he thought the counsellor favoured, and he said me, yet I thought she favoured him. I had to learn that she wasn’t going to say ‘bloody hell what a dick, don’t know how you live with him!’ - as even though I knew that wasn’t reasonable, it was still hard deep down that she was impartial. Her job is to allow you both the space to say how you feel - and if this is how he feels, even if you understandably think it’s bollocks, then she has tort him say it.

So I don’t know what to advise really, although I agree you need individual counselling. I just wanted to say that I don’t think it’s unusual to dislike your counsellor early on.

X post
Really shit if she made judgements on appearance

I found that the Relate counsellor we had concentrated on me working on trusting him again (after an affair). We didn't touch on what he could do really, because he was a big intractable problem. I think it was a bit sexist tbh, I could change my behaviours and "hot button" thoughts apparently, but what could he do? At the time I was quite up for it, but in retrospect it was utter pants.

*to let, not tort!

TBC I'm not a sahm mum now. Enabled/forced by events surrounding his affair. Which is ultimately a good thing for me as I hated being a sahm but felt trapped Unfortunately today I looked like tough business woman while he looks like the poor run down victim,(with exaggerated cold!) And everything I say about why I was trapped at home with the kids is pooh poohed by the fact that now I am working and he does the occasional school run. Doesn't change the past as this is all as a direct result of D-day!

Doesn't this reveal the shallowness of counselling at its worst? How is it possible to convey a true picture of a long marriage in such a short time? If she was taking sides in the very first session I don't think I'd be returning.

Sorry didn’t see your latest post. She suggested he was run down totally off her own back? That’s unusual I would think.

I would not return.

If he had an affair, there was something that he needed or wanted from your marriage that he wasn't getting.

Bullshit!
He did it because he could.
He did it because he wanted to.
He did it because the home setup allowed him to.

Why bother ?