Shouty husband - what to do?

[SparklesXYZ]

My DH and I are not speaking, again, after he started shouting at me once again. Here are a couple of examples of recent incidents:

a) DH was meant to get to the kids ready for bed, but he was in the shower, so I got things going. (DH rarely gets our DC ready for bed. He says he'll do it once a week, but often doesn't.) When I told him I'd got things going, I thought he'd just say thank you, as I was simply trying to help. He reacted badly by shouting at me, telling me that everything was run according to my agenda and that he didn't know when bedtime was! (Our DC are 6 and 7. Bedtime has been the same for over a year...) He accused me of winding him up (?!) and after shouting at me for a few minutes, he stormed out of the house.

b) At the weekend, I got the DC up, washed, breakfasted and ready for their club that morning, while my DH was still in bed. The sun was already strong and after having applied suncream on both my DC, I went and got the adult sun cream for my DH to put on. I thought this was a thoughtful and kind gesture, but he just started having a go at me for making them late by getting him to put sun cream on (DH burns easily). Considering DH got up about 45 mins after us, I found it unbelievable.

Incidents of this nature are occurring more and more. I think I'm just being nice/kind/thoughtful and he just shouts at me. I don't understand how you can shout at someone who is fundamentally just trying to be nice. I don't understand why he would never shout at anyone else, but shouts at the person who loves him and does so much for him. I don't want to put up with being shouted at for the rest of my life.

Any thoughts on what the way forward is? Do you know any other couples where the husband shouts at the wife a lot?

Please don't show him that book. It's intended for victims to help them make sense of what is happening to them so that they can leave. You are betraying those victims by revealing that information to an abuser.

Give your head a shake ffs. He's not your friend. He's not going to change. Whatever you reveal to him he'll just use as ammunition.

Your partner probably won't accept the information in the book applies to him, he might come back with reasons why he is different and if he is anything like an abuser I know, will use sections of the book to say "actually, you do this ... So really you're the abuser." Keep the book to yourself. He's not going to read it, suddenly realise he is an abuser and change. That's not how their minds work. Keep on touch with MN, and listen to the great advice on here. I hope you do get to leave this awful situation. Big hug xxx

I didn't think that DH might now use what's in the book against me. I'm so stupid. You're all right, showing him the book didn't do any good. He carried on putting the blame on me, life or whatever shit came to mind.

I wouldn't offer him the sun cream, I would let him get sun burnt. Although, if he gets sunburned you have to put up with him moaning about that as well. Try saying in a calm voice, 'it sounds like you think I did something wrong'.
I am concerned about the kids role in this, because you said earlier he doesn't know it's his night to put them to bed/do the shower unless THEY remind him. Why would the children be reminding him? Do they have to be 'messengers' sometimes because you feel it's safer not to anger him by you saying something?
Counselling for both of you is the only way forward to be honest.

Op. He’s not going to change
You didn’t sign up to be his punchbag
Plenty of us out here have been with a his sort - they don’t change
Maybe counselling would help maybe it would clarify whether you want to be with him or not

Sadie I used to not remind him about sun cream and of course he would get burnt. He'd then shout at me about something or other and blamed the sun burn making him feel irritable. So, I offered the sun cream in part to try and avoid being shouted at. Now that I've been reading 'Why does he do that?', I know everything is futile. If he wants to shout at me, he will regardless of what I do/don't do and that all his reasons are just excuses.

Yes, I sent the children to tell DH as I wanted to avoid being shouted at.

sparkles three years it took me to leave. I still desperately want him to understand the impact he has had on me and the kids. He cannt or won't see it. He might ramp up the niceness for a bit, then throw the book in your face to take a swipe (not literally), he might even mock you for reading it.

Watch carefully and be careful. It might escalate also.

@SparklesXYZ

You sound shell shocked, am I reading you right? You've read the book and it's all come crashing down in your head.

Tell us what is happening in your head.

You are not stupid. I have a thread on here under a different name where I did and thought and said almost exactly the same as what you've said here. Through the course of the thread I realized what was happening. I go back and read and I can even see the exact two posts I made as my world caved in.

You trusted him, you've loved him. You've done your absolute best. You're not stupid.

I agree it seems the scales are falling from your eyes.

That can be a bewildering and frightening stage, but could also make you angry. Nothing wrong in you being angry but I'm concerned it may lead to you communicating this to him and his escalating.

Please stay safe.

SparklesXYZ, be really careful. You are understanding this is emotional abuse, and this will mean you won't be wanting to go along with it, may even be looking to leave the relationship (as you should). When emotional abusers cannot control you that way, they move on to threatening violence (throwing stuff, clenching fists, hitting walls) and then they get violent. They will do whatever it takes to keep control.

Contact Women's Aid if you can. At the least google safety planning. Be ready, because this could escalate quickly - you may need to get out sooner than you think.

Seriously how is he a functioning adult human?

If you didn't remind him about suncream "of course he got burnt" WHY? The feck is wrong with him? If you don't remind him to put his shoes on does he go to work barefoot?

Sorry but he sounds like a right bellend.

I understand you wanting to try and save things OP I really do but from everything you've said I honestly don't think you can. I think you need to take steps to leave him unless you want to continue to live your life this way

pudding Yes, he'll ramp up the niceness. Always does, but never lasts. Now I've learnt that that's exactly men like that do.

prize Yes, shell shocked. At first, thought there was a chance DH could change, but he would have to change so much that I'm not sure it's possible.

more sleep Yes, wondering the same thing, too, as in whether I can save our marriage even if I wanted to. Although DH is being extra helpful around the house at the moment to try and be nice, he never keeps it up and I can't see him changing now.

Christmas Walls/cupboards already get head banged and he's broken things, too in the past. Yes, do wonder sometimes if it'll be me next... DH looks so scary when he's in a rage.

Does your DH struggle to control his temper in confined spaces such as the car? This was a particularly dangerous place for me as my ex would purposely drive dangerously, probably to scare me.

Oh I remember the head banging.. the wall punching.... then he grabbed me by the throat!!! I'd only ever tried to make a good family life. Everything I did or said got twisted.. I was accused of being the abuser...
Finally split up and years later dcs and I still trying to get over there damage. If this resonates... think about doing the same💐

As I suspected already aggressive/violent.

Please see the women's aid site I think there's advice on there re planning safely to leave - which is what I think you should seriously be considering.

www.safeproject.org/domestic-violence

He is at the pre battering stage.

No she hasn't disquieted

I have reported your posts Disquieted.

This is a potentially dangerous and - certainly - unpleasant situation for the op. Please don't minimise the impact of his behaviour.

@Disquieted1

What an ignorant fool you are

He is at the pre battering stage

Listen to what @sprouts2018 said (copied above). She's right. I asked you a few days ago whether he's been violent towards you, yet. You said he hasn't. He will be. Please take steps now to protect yourself and your children. I'm a former Domestic Violence expert.