Shouty husband - what to do?

[SparklesXYZ]

My DH and I are not speaking, again, after he started shouting at me once again. Here are a couple of examples of recent incidents:

a) DH was meant to get to the kids ready for bed, but he was in the shower, so I got things going. (DH rarely gets our DC ready for bed. He says he'll do it once a week, but often doesn't.) When I told him I'd got things going, I thought he'd just say thank you, as I was simply trying to help. He reacted badly by shouting at me, telling me that everything was run according to my agenda and that he didn't know when bedtime was! (Our DC are 6 and 7. Bedtime has been the same for over a year...) He accused me of winding him up (?!) and after shouting at me for a few minutes, he stormed out of the house.

b) At the weekend, I got the DC up, washed, breakfasted and ready for their club that morning, while my DH was still in bed. The sun was already strong and after having applied suncream on both my DC, I went and got the adult sun cream for my DH to put on. I thought this was a thoughtful and kind gesture, but he just started having a go at me for making them late by getting him to put sun cream on (DH burns easily). Considering DH got up about 45 mins after us, I found it unbelievable.

Incidents of this nature are occurring more and more. I think I'm just being nice/kind/thoughtful and he just shouts at me. I don't understand how you can shout at someone who is fundamentally just trying to be nice. I don't understand why he would never shout at anyone else, but shouts at the person who loves him and does so much for him. I don't want to put up with being shouted at for the rest of my life.

Any thoughts on what the way forward is? Do you know any other couples where the husband shouts at the wife a lot?

[Rumboogie]

Your DH sounds much like mine, but we have been together much longer (unfortunately). I did not leave because the thought of him sharing custody was too much - I did not trust him with the DC. I also felt it would be even more destabilising for the DC if we split up. I don't know if I made the right decision.

He still shouts and abuses me verbally daily - for no reason that a normal person would think justifiable. DC1 has begun to take a leaf from his book, and, while not abusive, is overbearing and tends to bully the youngerDC. Like you, I defend myself and this usually means shouting back to be heard over his shouting and interruptions as I think it it very bad for DC to see their father abusing their mother with impunity.

My DH was brought up with constantly rowing parents, I was not, and I think he is inflicting his early experience on our children.

I often wonder if it would have been better to have left, but, as you are no doubt also thinking, it is difficult to know which is the least bad option.

A warning though - to reinforce what others have said - my DH has punched me in the face (though some time ago) and also broken my fingers, so, yes, verbal abuse does not necessarily remain verbal.

With an abusive husband, it seems to me, the choices are between the bad and the worse.

[Highlandheath]

Sparkles, here is some advice I wish I had been given when I was in your position. Make an escape plan, make it practical and workable. I am divorced, and know a lot of other divorcees, one of the things we are all astonished at, to a woman, is how our exes had the whole thing planned, they had it down, just in case we left, they knew their behaviour was intolerable, and there was a risk we would leave, so they set it up financially, sometimes years in advance, sometimes decades, to screw us over, with absolutely no regard for the children. Often we had a little "gut feeling" that things were not quite right in their financial dealings with us, and how they jumped on our assets etc, but we were married, we trusted, we shared, we were fucking stupid! This is the same whether we entered the marriage as the high earner, or with assets (property, houses, etc) So, yes, by all means, look at how you can work on your marriage, but also, if you are giving it one final chance, you need to start getting your shit together to make sure that if you do leave you will not be utterly screwed. Start by getting yourself a safe deposit box, Metrobank have them, and set up a separate and SECRET bank account, put in a little bit of money, in cash, every now and again, when you can. You need to be in a position to fund your life, on a dramatically reduced scale, if he pulls the financial plug, so do some sums, how much do you need to run the car, pay the basic bills, and keep the children feeling OK, how much would you need to pay the mortgage if or when you do separate and he stops paying that.... He may begin by saying he will be reasonable, it's very unlikely that he will stay that way, particularly given his current behaviour, and make sure any valuables, passports etc are easily accessible, to you, not him, and that you could shove everything in a bag and dump it in the safe deposit box. Next start going through the family finances, and see where things are, check if the mortgage is up to date, and in joint names, or solely in his. If it is in his alone, then you need to gather together evidence that you have contributed. After 7 years of marriage all pre-marital assets are joint, however it makes things easier if they are in joint names. Take copies of pensions, investments, shares, bank statements, and check money in and money out. Are there unusual expenses? I bet there are.... Keep a log of how much time he is spending with the children, if you do separate he will be after 50/50 because that's the way to get at least 50% of the assets, and as a SAHM you have taken a huge earnings hit, and career hit, the gender pay gap is even worse for mothers, but with a whopping £4billion of unpaid Child Maintenance Arrears in this country, you can bet you will be supporting the children on your own, which is why you need to have some sort of financial cushion. Do work at your marriage, and try and make it work, but don't doubt for a second that he will have an escape plan, and he will have arranged things to screw you (and the children) over if you do leave. By the way, his behaviour is abusive, and is likely to get worse - you have to protect your children, and yourself. Take some practical steps, now, please! I hope it works out for you, and your children, Good luck!