Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

You poor thing. This may sound cruel but I would use his shame for financial leverage. Not blackmail, obviously, but just know that he will hopefully feel terrible and you can use this to get a decent settlement.

No he didn’t just said night as normal and kissed me on the head. I was reading my kindle and said I couldn’t sleep. I’d feigned migraine earlier.

I don’t know if it was a hook up or paid for. He met someone at a gay sauna and his location history had him there for an hour.

He’d been using his iPad and I’d borrowed it and it was on his iMessages. He’d deleted them from his phone but they were still on there. The messages weren’t clear as they were quite brief and a google of that number gave me no more clues. I then checked his location history which confirmed he’d actually gone. So I confronted him. He said he’d gone to meet someone about a car. Fucking idiot. Then the truth came tumbling out bit by bit. Of course I’ll never know the full detail. We had a few counselling sessions together then he continued on his own which I know he went to as I would wait outside.

quantumblue it’s not cruel really, in comparison to what he has done to me is it?

Promised me a future and brought 2 children in to his messy world

I am so glad I have them. Despite him they are ace. I need to show them that’s not an acceptable way to behave and also you should never let someone treat you like that.

I’ve been nothing but faithful, supportive of his business and the times he’s had to work long hours, I do everything in the house, the admin, with the kids etc because I only work 20 hours a week and I believed he was working hard for our future.

What a crock of shit! Least I know I don’t need him.

I'm voting for the blackmail here OP. Just as a back up in case he wants to play dirty. Fuck this guy.

No it is not cruel in comparison to the scale of the betrayal.Go for whatever you can get.

Yeah another vote for blackmail if it works. You owe him no kindness. If it wouldn’t have such a detrimental effect on your mental health I would be all for the marrying plan, but realistically you’d go mad so instead play dirty with what you can do.

Marrying him and then immediately leaving wouldn’t give OP the financial security she needs anyway, marriages of such short duration do not make all assets instantly marital property.

Get all the evidence you can before you confront Op, the more cards you hold the better.

Definitely get hold of that cash he has in the house.

Blackmail is illegal to those suggesting it. OP

I agree, blackmail is illegal and I'm sure OP is above that; she's trying to teach her kids about morality here!

I'd take the 10k and be very open about that, when you tell him everything. Something along the lines of, "We've never married so that 200k of "joint savings" I assume I will never be seeing, so I'm taking the 10k to put into a fund for the kids future. Since you've lied to me for years and years, jeopardised my sexual health, and taken advantage of my renewed trust in you after the last infidelity, AND since I've kept your secret from your family, I am going to assume you don't have any complaints? Am I wrong?"

Let him try and argue the case for getting that money back!

Hope you got a bit of sleep OP. Not long now and he'll be out the house and your nerves will settle hopefully

A bit of an appendix here but heyho -
They were brought about by homophobia and gay men having to hide their behaviours. This also contributed massively to the spread of HIV/AIDS because sexual practices were anonymous and unprotected.

As did bathhouses, which were completely open, no hiding of faces.

Glory holes are still popular despite the fact that gay sex is no longer a criminal offense. They cater for those who want completely anonymous and also disembodied sex - hence the holes in doors, and also in walls of cubicles in men's loos. They are not all about gay sex being illegal. They are there to facilitate a particular sexual taste.

They are found in mens' loos in public buildings and in certain large DIY stores, back rooms of certain book shops, and in private residences, in my neck of the woods.

There is a subset of gay men who are very promiscuous and engage in unsafe sex. Ads for hookups can detail preference for unsafe practices. This subset can intersect with the subset of married or partnered men looking for m2m sex.

No matter what you do, OP, please make sure you get tested for STDs.

Also, do not take his family's support as a given. Depending on goodness knows what factors, his family may decide to circle the wagons.

Morning. Managed about 5 hours sleep so not bad considering.

The sick feeling had started to fade but is a back with a vengeance this morning. TMI but I also can’t stop going to the toilet. Managed to force a sweet tea and a couple of biscuits down me as think the lack of food and drink yesterday is making me feel like this.

Only thing I’m wavering on is taking his stuff to his parents? It’s not their doing and I don’t want to cause them unnecessary stress. What about if I bag it all up on Friday. Leave it in the back garden. Then go out for the evening and stay at my Mums. Can get a v good friend to have my eldest overnight and the little one can stay with me. Tell him then he can sort it out himself?

Also if I take the £10k could that be deemed as stealing?

Are you seeing lawyer today? Check with them re the £10k

You shouldnt cover up for him at all. To be honest being unfaithful isnt that big a deal now. Sadly. It happens a lot. But paying for sex with men and women is.

I might not tell his family immediately but I would let them know in the longer term. His behaviour is truly shocking and horribly entitled. I am not surprised he is from a wealthy family - the entitlement often goes with that kind of background

And yes the family can totally disapprove of his behaviour but they may back him in the end. I have no contact now with my ex's family .

So sorry you are going through this. It is so painful

I'd get legal advice tbh, op. Phone up a solicitor today. Some do a free half hour initial consultation. Then you know for sure what you can take without ending up having to pay back, and whether there's any chance of claiming some of the savings. Don't let your anger lead you, bit of cold hard thinking.

Oh gosh OP, I’ve just read the whole thread. You poor thing, I can’t even imagine what you must be feeling. How you haven’t said anything already, I don’t know. I wouldn’t be able to keep my powder dry and I’d have punched the twat by now.

I would take the £10k for you and the kids and try (somehow!) to get my hands on some of the £200k. So many friends have thought their ex DPs would be decent but they very rarely are.

I'd still explain to his parents what he's doing so that he can't bullshit them

I don't think I would leave the house. I would pack him one suitcase and ask him where you can deliver the rest.

Mumfun he is terribly entitled. Looking back you start to see more. Tantrums when things don’t go his way. Expecting everyone else to pick up the slack but guiding it so he’s not deemed unreasonable. His mum still pays for his phone bill. He’s in his late thirties and earns a 6 figure salary (inc bonuses). I kid you not.

I’m phoning some local solicitors today they all offer a free 30 min consultation at least. Just depends how quickly I can see someone! Also phoning STI clinic. The local one has a clinic tomorrow. I’m at working but can work around it.

Also with the money thing. If I ever took a few pounds change for say for arguments sake some milk and bread he’d constantly ask if I’d put it back. ‘Did you put that £3 back babe?’ Me . ‘Yeah it’s just I know how much I had in that drawer and need to sort it out’

Something’s telling me he’s not going to reasonable on the financial side. I will go straight to CMS and do the benefit claims on Friday.

You need to stay. Don't you leave. If you don't want to involve his parents, fair enough but let him sort himself out. You and your kids stay where you are, at home.

And his mum pays his phone bill? Maybe you should send it her itemised with some handy annotations, just so she knows where her money is going???

I'm sorry but by the sounds of it he won't want you having any of that 200k. He doesn't see it as yours, that's why it's not. Quibbling over 3 quid with his wife? For joint milk? Lord have mercy.....

Ha good idea re phone bill! Didn’t even give that a thought! I have 6 months bills printed and all the numbers that I have located as being dodgy highlighted for the first 3 months. I also have them downloaded to my Dropbox which he doesn’t have the log in info for.

Is it silly to now feel a little bit scared of how he will react? I’m not sure I want the children in the house. Perhaps my mum could have both and ask his parents to come to us? Don’t misunderstand me he’s never been violent or aggressive but he can throw an almighty tantrum.

3 fucking pounds....
Good god this man is an asshole

Jesus, I'd have 200 grand of savings if I quibbled over milk money and let my mum pay for me! Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you'll be seeing any of it unless you can prove some is yours.

I see no reason why you should keep his secret so I'd be very clear about what's happened with his family, otherwise god knows what tale he will tell them (whatever it is, it won't be his fault). Quite apart from the betrayal and exploitation he has engaged in risky sexual behaviour that has put your health at risk, and quite possibly that of your children if he was doing this before or during your pregnancies.

So sorry you are going through this. I second the evidence gathering. Income proof especially will be vital.

There will be a moment when he is guilty and distraught. This is when you come in strongly with asking him how he is going to secure the dc's financial future. Don't volunteer anything about being not entitled as not married - make sure you have your facts straight and use the moment he is feeling lowest and full of shame.