Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

So sorry you're going through this op, no advice but here's
a hand hold.
Of course you can use here to post whatever helps you get
through. What a sly bastard he is.

I found out those numbers from just 3 months of bills. God only knows how many people he’s actually contacted.

I’m not going to look back further. I know enough don’t I?

Of course it's ok, that's what this board is for but don't deny yourself RL support for the sake of embarrassment or (less likely) any attempt to protect him, there will come a point where you will need someone closer than us lot through a screen. In the meantime I spend far more time on here than I should so you can be assured of at least one shoulder to lean on

And yes, you know enough

There was one call at 7.45am! I looked at the date in the personal calendar and his work calendar (all shared) and we must have all been at home. I don’t leave the house before 8.15am Wtf????!!

With regards to dating a bisexual. I trusted him to faithful regardless of his sexuality. Everyone has a past and I honestly had no issue that he’s had sexual encounters with men. I have with women. Many moons ago! Doesn’t mean I’m going to run off with a women. Or anyone. I have morals and respect for my partner and our children. Well not for him anymore. Clearly.

Oh you poor love

So bloody sorry this is happening to you, I think you sound amazing for not punching his lights out or his bollocks

Use the next few days to do a bit of digging around and get all of the official paperwork copied for anything important like mortgage, banking etc.

Years ago my ex threw me out of the front door at night in my pyjamas, ds was a baby and was asleep in his cot.

I rang my dad and we called the police as he wouldn't let me in. The police arrived and he told them he didn't know me etc and I had nothing to prove I lived there, unbelievable.
He eventually let me back in when he realised there would be nobody to mind ds in the morning when he had to leave for his job, the most important job on the planet of course.

If I knew then what I know now...

Use this time of anger and frustration to channel it into something positive.
My heart goes out to you xx

You do know enough - what an awful situation you are in - but please, please see a solicitor before you confront him. You need to ask the solicitor about your rights as one part of a cohabiting couple, and your children's rights.

Please remember that the children need a financial foundation before rejecting the idea of a wedding.

Maybe you could do a small private ceremony abroad as part of a holiday? You could pack his bags as soon as the ink on the certificate is dry.

I am divorced from a man who is either gay or bi - he has never acknowledged that despite knowing that I know of his internet activities. I hung on until he had left self employment and got a job with verifiable income before we divorced. I would have been living in a cardboard box under a bridge otherwise.

Devils advocate here: any chance he’s “just” contacting them for thrills and hasn’t actually been shagging them? I’ve dealt with an adulterous pig myself so I totally know what these motherfuckers are capable of, but I just wanted to put that out there in case it’s a thing that happens.... like phone sex or something.

As for the posters saying you should marry him- oh my God, don’t even consider that. It would destroy a sane person to go through with a plan like that. Think of the reality of what that would entail. I don’t think you are considering it but just in case.

Is there any way of getting that savings moved into joint names before you show your hand? Make up a story about someone you know who’s partner died suddenly and not being able to sort out finances or similar? That’s more achievable and less bonkers than a sham wedding surely and could be implemented quickly?

So sorry you’re going through this OP. What a cunt.

zoflorababe that is awful! You poor thing I hope you’re in a happy place now?

That is my plan. I’m hoping to be able to hold it out until Friday. Then take all of his belongings to his parents and send him a message saying I know everything. Or is that a bad idea? He’ll be 3 hours away.

So sorry this has happened to you OP! I found out about my hubby's affair with a work colleague last year and the shock is immense! I wish I had spent more time gathering evidence as he lied and denied for 8 months after!

Regarding the savings... if you have contributed to them and he has told you that he is holding them for your future you may be able to claim a share under a constructive or express trust! So definitely see a solicitor before you write off being able to get your share!

Honestly wedding is a no go. And if I spoke to him about the savings he’d just say ‘it’s ours etc, you can trust me’ or similar. He just wouldn’t budge. I know him well. But not that well haha! (Laughing in case I cry)

Even if it was just phone sex/webcams or similar (which I’m sure he’ll say it is) how is that acceptable on any level? I’m a good fucking partner and mother I don’t deserve that shit.

Oh fgs, I cannot believe posters are telling you to get married so you MIGHT get a bit more money.

Unless you're starving right now, don't worry about money. You're not married so you won't be getting any of his savings but there's also a freedom in that as there's not going to be any necessity to keep powder dry or anything like that. No game of chess.

You're financially ok you say. Good. You'll be ok. I left a man with a rucksack and I got back on my feet (not quickly but I had less than you to begin with). You will be ok.

DO some posters realise what a mindfuckingly big deal it is to pretend you don't know this kind of secret and then marry somebody who has betrayed you!?

@futurefallingapart, you will be ok. This is a massive shock, a huge one, but this is the worst bit. well, the ''fall out'' after you tell him you know everything will be the next hard bit. But I think it's a good idea to do it when he's three hours away tbh.

You don't owe it to him to deal with this fall out in person.

I think that's a good plan OP re Friday if you can possibly hold out that long. I would tell him to sign the house and a proportion of your 'joint' savings over to you in return for your silence on the reason for the split. He sounds financially abusive anyway. You must be so shocked x

I think your plan is a great one! Call in sick one day if you can, spend some time getting everything you can get hold of that might help you, then while he's away drop everything at his parents and tell them he can explain everything but that you're done. Then let him know what you've done and you'll be in contact to discuss the kids in due course.

Agree with a PP to tell at least one person in RL, you will need some support.

DO NOT assume AT ALL that he will be decent re house, maintenance etc.

My ex did a total about turn. Prior to our split he completely slated guys he knew who'd forced their ex's out the family home (in our case army quarters) ASAP, didn't pay maintenance etc...3 days after I kicked him out he COMPLETELY EMPTIED both the current and savings accounts (both joint and contained child benefit and tax credits payments), took the car without telling me (we were in arse end of nowhere and he didn't need it), took stuff from the house when I was out, refused to pay maintenance (took over 2 years to get first payment and he never paid fully or regularly in 14 years.

Friends have variously:

Been removed from joint businesses
Had bank accounts emptied
Cars and other large valuable items taken inc heirloom jewellery from THEIR side of the family!
Furniture and tech removed including stuff belonging to the DC.

So IF you can hold it together (I know it's tough) do so AT LEAST until you can speak to a lawyer find out where you stand.

What else do you need? As much evidence of his finances as possible inc wage and bonuses.

Not sure you can kick him out of a jointly owned property legally - but I black bagged ex's stuff and locked him out when I'd had enough (and had proof).

Personally as a bi woman, a cheat is a cheat! Regardless of sexuality. Bi people are no more likely to cheat than anyone else (as the relationship board shows!).

Plus didn't op say one of the numbers was a female prostitute? That's certainly not uncommon.

I couldn't imagine going through a marriage in this scenario, it was hard enough having a poker face through normal life for me. I avoided sex with an excuse of recurrent thrush issues. He didn't push it (I suspect worried he'd given me an sti!).

So sorry you're going through this op.

Yes I do, Olwen, and it certainly was a mindfuck. But as I said, I was already married, and my children would have had literally nothing unless he had a job with verifiable income.

OP, please don't do anything without talking to a solicitor. I can't overstate the importance of getting solid legal advice before proceeding. Please do not attempt blackmail. You could go to jail for that. The courts love poor conflicted gay men.

If your H decides that 200k is his alone it will be expensive for you to try to wrest any of it from him.

Agree with everything Graphista said about not taking his inner decency for granted.

Math I'm sure you too have seen it over and over.

One very close friend was the same "oh he'd never do that, he'd never see the kids without" oh really? He took the car, caravan, all the tech inc her phone (he wasn't paying for it), he even took most of the furniture! All he left was the kids bunk beds!

I've heard of people being stranded abroad and all sorts.

Another friend was in the Far East (due to his job), he ended it for the ow, they were married but she was basically kicked out penniless in a foreign country! Luckily no kids but she had to get her parents to send her money just to get somewhere safe to stay while they arranged an overdraft to get her home! Married over 15 years.

Thank you all so much. Honestly from the bottom of my heart.

I’m in bed now and will start reading that other thread.

Plan for tomorrow

Book solicitor
Book STI check
Speak to my Mum
Sort all paperwork etc out.

I’m not working atm so will be a bit tricky with little one in toe but I’ve got this. I think.

We went out for dinner last night, grandparents babysitted, and had such a lovely time. Strolled back hand in hand then had great sex before falling in each other’s arms. That’s the first time we’ve had time together for about a month and it was so lovely. I’m so so sad.

I still want to dump his stuff at his parents on Friday

Tomorrow not atm. I’m working Wednesday from home so that will be good as can get some more stuff done as will have no children around.

How did you manage to have a romantic evening and sex? It's beyond me... Was the sex unprotected? I am so sorry for you but find your romantic evening, given how you say you feel, quite unbelievable!

That was last night! I looked at his phone and this morning and it has unravelled today from there. Sorry to confuse!

Maybe RTFT? OP didn't know then.