Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

Thank you all. He’s fairly clueless in some ways so I will take advantage of this.

Was going to bugger off to Costa for a couple of hours to make the calls but I forgot the builder is coming at 10! Can’t get out of that as I arranged it all seeing as he’s so ‘busy’. Desperately wish I could hold out until the extension is finished but that would take months. Would put me in a better position financially re the house value.

Since he has all the savings and a well paid job and mummy's indulgence perhaps he'd like to sign over his half of the house to you (or the children).

Don't be tempted - building work can take forever and if the money for it apparently comes from just him, it might affect the percentage of the house you'd get.

Are you going to tell his parents that he's bisexual and his extra c'rics?
I would never recommend getting married but you have the power to make him be fair depending on how much he fears his parents knowing why you split up. Sorry if I missed that upthread. Maybe they already know.

Its not silly, it's natural to be scared. But his moods don't affect you anymore. Let him have a tantrum!!

If it were me I'd double lock the door, keep the key in, no way of getting in. Do you have any male friends who work out? Could have one of them around just in case? Or if he starts kicking off call the police. You can earn him by text, tell him not to come round, is stuff is there, you'll text him about the kids next week, you have no interest in discussing anything, and if he kicks off you'll be calling the police.

It sounds like he has a history of being controlling and manipulative financially. I wonder if, now that you are seeing things in a different light, that there will be other things you start to recognise that he has done that are in a similar vein.

I don't think it's silly to listen to your gut instincts that are saying to be cautious about how he might react, if "tantrums" are something you've seen from him already. I think it'd be eminently sensible.

Hopefully he won't turn aggressive or violent, but having a plan for that scenario prepared will help you feel safer, calmer and more in control, and will also mean you'll panic less if it happens. If he does turn threatening, or start to break or damage things, or you feel in danger, please do not hesitate to call the police. It's what they're there for, so you would not be overreacting or wasting their time. Don't wait for him to do something really bad before you call if he starts acting that way. Some men with controlling behaviours can go to extremes we wouldn't have imagined when they realise they're about to lose 'everything'.

Conversely, also be prepared for him to turn on the charm, guilt, tears, begging you on his hands and knees, promising the earth, telling you how much he loves you and can't live without you, accusing you of breaking the children's hearts... These are common manipulation tactics in this kind of scenario.

He may also switch between the two extremes when he realises the first approach isn't working on you. Targeting your fear, your heart and your conscience are things to potentially be ready to protect yourself from.

I'd be more inclined to go with the idea of having already delivered his belongings to his parents before you tell him, rather than leaving them in the garden. It moves his reaction further away from you, and reduces his opportunities to threaten, coerce or manipulate, than if he has to come to the house. (I realise he may turn up anyway, but it's probably better to have a plan where his presence is not inevitable.)

Having somebody stay with you, and potentially having the children stay elsewhere, are also not bad ideas. If nothing else, it will be moral support for you and give you a chance to feel and express all of this without feeling you need to put on a brave face.

It does sound a bit like your body is in a threat response state, which wouldn't be surprising with all this going on. Try and take care of yourself as best you can, which it sounds like you're doing. Eat little and often to keep yourself going, and keep drinking. Rest when you can, even if you don't manage to sleep. Don't be surprised if after this comes to a head on Friday you feel floored by exhaustion and lower than you expected. It will just be the adrenaline having gone.

Have you got any thoughts on taking care of yourself and getting support around you for the aftermath? I know you're planning this and determined now, but it might hit you harder than you expect (slightly different circumstances, but it did me. I thought I'd feel relieved, but I just felt shattered and broken).

I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but I do believe you will come out the other side of it and find happiness, even if it takes a little while for that to feel possible.

Take care.

I would tell the parents he cheated with sex workers, but not tell them it was male sex workers. If you destroy his relationship with them the gloves will be off.

The guilt never lasts long, and you need to get everything nailed down while he's feeling guilty. He'll start justifying and feeling angry with you soon enough, so get agreements in place now. Do lots of crying, even if you feel like tearing his fucking head off. God knows the crying won't need faking. Every morning when you wake up you'll think it was a horrible dream, then it all comes crashing in :(

Keep your powder dry. Ask if you can move the family savings into a joint account. When he says no, make the row about that. You can get away with being distant with him for ages because of that. See if you can get him to change his mind and put some into a pot for you and the children. Don't mention the escorts until you have to. By then you will hopefully be in a better financial position.

Thank you all for the advice. I’m taking it all in I promise. Will be speaking to my mum today to sort a proper plan for Friday. Unfortunately no burly friends to help! I have 2 brothers. One is away on business but one might be able to come over. We’re very close so fingers crossed. Then my mum can have the kids.

Will call the solicitors after the builders been. Luckily I have to go to town to collect something so will do it then.

The 7.45am call. I looked more in to because I was baffled! Went over our texts from that day and he was on training (legit my bosses were also there) but he’d called 2 transsexual escorts and 1 male escort based in that location on the journey there. So perhaps a lunch time fuck?

faeriequeen I’m willing to try this tactic but I promise you it won’t work. I know him too well and how he works financially. We have been together a v long time (our eldest is 8). We don’t have joint accounts. We have our sole accounts which we pay bills. He has a lot more disposable income than me. And with that pays for all the extras - days out/meals/holidays/things for the home etc. With my disposable income I get my hair and nails done and the rest goes on the kids.

Also thought of something else. ‘My’ car is owned and paid for my him. I pay the insurance and the petrol. I’m going to lose that aren’t I?! Not the end of the world as School and shops are within walking distance.

I do love my car though

I think you'll have to say goodbye to the money in the savings account, that obviously means a lot to him. You might win the battle, but lose the war. You want him to remain reasonable for as long as possible, he'll turn nasty soon enough without making things tougher than they need to be.

Don't get the building work, it will drive you crazy on top of everything else. You want the house and maintenance, and not to be dependent on him for anything. Also your solr. will probably advise that he sets up - or keeps going - life insurance with you as the beneficiary until the children reach 25 or so.

Getting organised and thinking things through is very important because it allows you to feel that you still have control in your life. It's the loss of control that's the hardest to deal with - it was for me, anyway. You've had a vague sort of life plan, you thought you knew how things were going to go, then suddenly it's all up in the air and out of your control. That's very hard. Take control anywhere you can.

Good luck at the solicitors 💐💐

So sorry this is happening to you op

I’m sorry too for you and your children and I just wanted to wish you all the best for the future.

Am sorry you are going through this... I think we always think "it won't happen to me" and can be an almighty shock to have to go through something this rough. Am sending love, remember to keep eating drinking etc, you need you strength; clearly you already have your wits about you!

Plan for the worst case scenario, and then if the split ends being more "amicable" then all the easier, but he is your enemy right now, and from what you have written you are absolutely going to have to fight him for what is yours

Builders gone. My lovely extension will never be. Interestingly OH has suggested we take the money from the house to pay rather than use the extension. He’s guarding that money with his life! So that’s definitely a no. There’s no chance I’m increasing the mortgage/decreasing the equity as no guarantee the value will increase by the total build cost. I’ll have to keep these old dodgy sofas for a lot longer than planned!

Thank you again for all the support.

Do you think he knows you know?

Good luck OP. I think you need to tread very carefully in how you approach DP's parents. They will be key in how you and kids get treated in separation. You know them so decide what info you think will best ensure they are on your side.

Too little info and they may not see DP as being at fault, too much and your DP may convince them it's all lies, or if they believe it all they may cut him off which means he has nothing to lose in his dealings with you.

You want them to be angry with him, sympathetic to you but not cut him off, I think. Unfaithful with sex workers but not saying which sex might be a good middle option, you are the best judge of this.

I would be wary of taking his stuff to theirs, that ensures he moves there and makes them a team. But you do somehow want to tell them your side of the story (as much of it as you choose) before he does.

Best of luck

Yeah, interesting he suggested that . Dickhead.

Agree with others who say its probably bye to your £100,000 share. Out of curiosity, why did you put your £ in his account when you nearly split up before probably not helpful sorry, just hacked off on your behalf. Anyway, you never know - see what your solicitor says.

£100k is alot of money for some people, life-changing. But in the scheme of a whole life time, being entitled hopefully to stay in your home till your youngest is 18, owning half of it outright anyway, and receiving child maintenance - its really not so significant.

As others have also said the main thing is getting a good solicitor, as much proof of his earnings as possible, and getting all your ducks in a row. Its amazing what you can do on "survival mode" isn't it? I would say you think you have caught a bad virus and need to go to your GP, maybe even make an appointment - it will explain your mood and behaviour over next period.

Wondering if SHL (shit hot lawyer) still applicable/worthwhile in non-marriage cases? I hope you get a good one, if anyone can advise here.

No he doesn’t know. Phone hasn’t left my side. Haven’t used my laptop. I’ve acted completely normal this morning. He’s on his way out soon for a meeting, he’ll be out all afternoon. Tempted to do it today tbh.

But Friday would work better logistic wise. And easier to get the kids looked after etc.

You are doing unbelievably well - your children are lucky to have you x

Wish he’d just fuck off out so I can put baby down and start making the calls.

Agree with Minipie - all very good points indeed.