Brave Babes Battle Bus: Sunshine, Roses and Mocktails All Round

[SweetLathyrus]

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus since 2014. Over the years, lots of us have maintained the thread, most of all the lovely Mouse, who has been here since the early days, and still scurries onboard when she can.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in. Driers and Triers, all welcome.

Summer offers all kinds of challenges for those of us trying to change our relationship to alcohol, pub gardens, summer holidays, school holidays, and apparently there's a big football tournament too. If you want to read where the bus has been so far this year here's the link to the
last thread

And in case you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread

The Bus is a bit of a Mumsnet institution, but it has an open door policy, no cliques, no judgement, and the welcome is always warm. So hop on and join us.

Hi marf
But this summer I've started to drink again, I'm not sure exactly why.

We're you attending AA meetings? I have never heard of anyone relapse because they were going to too many meetings, but have heard from many people that they relapsed because they weren't going to enough.
Cunning, baffling, powerful, and very very patient.

De-lurking to send to Mint
I am plodding on, not AF, more units than I'm happy with, but still way less than when I hopped on the bus.

Evening all, good to see support and progress from so many, but also good that everyone can post, no matter what.

marfisa glad you feel able to come back here when you notice the triggers starting again. I'm wondering about your resistance to going to a meeting or contacting your sponsor... do you have a mental gauge of when you will do that e.g. when you've not had a drink for a week, 2 weeks, a month? Would it feel easier to tell your sponsor you'd relapsed but it was x length of time ago, and you're doing ok now? That might feel like rational thinking, but alcohol is a devious bugger, and speaking to someone out loud about it earlier rather than later might help to scare that old wine witch away.

Oddly enough I was wandering around the house this evening wondering about having a drink. I know that it was just boredom and lethargy and that having a drink would have taken me out of that place, but it would have been a pretty bad way to do it. So I've had a pedicure, walked the dog, and had a cup of tea. I'm still feeling a bit of autumn melancholy, but it's sober melancholy!

Well I didn't drink today despite considering buying a mini-bottle of wine at about half a billion different moments (this is what I mean about my obsession with drink having returned!). I did just consume about half a carrot cake though.

Thank you for the lovely comments. Gosh, the consensus really does seem to be that I am being an idiot not to go and speak to my sponsor. I know I'm being an idiot. I just feel so vulnerable and raw at the moment. Venus, it's like you can read my mind, because yes, telling my sponsor that I've relapsed x amount of time ago seems a lot easier than telling her I've relapsed now!

Weirdly enough I'm still going to AA meetings twice a week -- but my sponsor has been telling me that 2x meetings a week isn't enough, and clearly she's right, ahem. I love a lot of the people I've met at the meetings and the meetings do wonders for my mental health. So I don't want to stop going. I feel that if it weren't for the meetings, I would be relapsing in a much bigger way than I currently am (though on some level I know a relapse is a relapse is a relapse). Whenever I go to the meetings I remember how good it is to be sober and am hugely determined to remain sober. But this determination is difficult to maintain outside the meetings. I also know I'm not getting full benefit of the meetings because honesty is one of the key tenets of AA and I'm not being honest (because I'm not sharing about my relapse).

I am hugely hugely grateful to AA as AA got me sober. But I have difficulty sometimes with their all-or-nothing approach. I had a drink about 15 months ago after two years of sobriety. Half a drink to be precise, during a really horrible row with my DH. Before I finished the glass I realised I didn't want to drink so I didn't finish it. I duly went to meetings and shared about picking up that drink. In AA, if you have one drink, you've relapsed, and you're supposed to go back to step one and attend 90 meetings in 90 days, the whole shebang. I didn't want to attend 90 meetings in 90 days (which is what they ask newcomers to do) as I was a full-time working mum with a madly busy schedule and I felt confident in myself that I wouldn't pick up a drink again. My sponsor wasn't happy that I wasn't taking her advice. I did step up meetings after that but I felt terrible about myself (I'm a perfectionist!) and I found it excruciating sharing at various meetings about how and why I had picked up the drink -- it felt like an exercise in self-flagellation. I also had various positions of responsibility in AA which I had to give up (which was absolutely fair and right, I'm not contesting that in any way).

Even as I type this though I'm aware that people relapse in AA all the time and that I'm no different from anyone else. I should just share about it and carry on. But it is really damn hard to walk into meetings where people think you have long-term sobriety and tell them you've relapsed. I struggle with depression (am on meds for that) and I just don't feel strong enough at the moment to bare my soul to my sponsor and fellow AAs. My sponsor will probably 'drop' me unless I agree to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. And I will have to have endless conversations about how and why I relapsed, and ... ugh.

AA is like therapy, you have to be brave but the sharing and honesty often make you feel worse before it starts to make you feel better.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I. I suppose that posting here is one small step in the direction of honesty.

Cunning, baffling, powerful, and very very patient.
Too true, nadia.

Thanks for the thoughtful suggestions, jade. My love/hate relationship with writing is not dissimilar to my love/hate relationship with AA. I'm an academic and when my writing is going well I love it, but I get crippled by perfectionism in that aspect of my life as well! At a gut level I do know that staying sober is more important than finishing an article.

It's interesting that you still get the urge to drink after all this time, venus. I know what you mean about autumn melancholy; I think I have that too!

Thanks for listening everyone xx

and hugs marfisa I know you want to be perfect in your sobriety, but you know what, anyone who is/was sober TODAY is equal. As we lay our heads on our pillows we are all equally, perfectly sober. And tomorrow we (and anyone who wasn't sober today) has another chance to be equally, perfectly sober. Keep it in the day.

That is enormously helpful to hear, Venus, thank you.

Morning all
Venus and Marfisa thank you for these posts. It is very helpful to get these sort of insights into how other people are feeling and coping with the same issues that I have myself on a regular basis.
Is it boredom or habit or something else? I don’t think I have a boring life. I have a family, work, I go to the gym, I read loads, I have a dog to walk, I have lots of friends and yet there is something which seems to be missing which makes me think about having a drink. I don’t drink when I’m working but I start to plan ahead to weekends when I can have a drink! Which inevitably turns into a binge.
I am currently doing sober September which I can do but already planning ahead to October when I am “allowed” to have a drink again.

Lots of wisdom on here right now - thanks Marfisa and Venus and everyone. Let’s get up some momentum for a sober September - who’s driving this bus right now, and where are we heading?

Trust - I am totally with you in everything you say, save that I definitely drink all week long rather than looking ahead to weekends. What is it that’s missing - I just don’t know, but I do sometimes wonder if it’s something I do just for ‘me’. Everything else in my life seems (in the nicest possible way) to be done for someone else - be it family, work or community. I’m lucky, I’m happy with all of that - but my drinking is solitary, determined and focussed purely on me: I’m not really a social drinker and indeed I resent social events when they interfere with my drinking (and yes I know how that reads!).

Anyhow, that may well just be an excuse, I’m not convinced its true even as I write it. What’s clear is that I have a hell of a habit and its a hugely destructive and insidious one. So, day 4 done and dusted, curled up with a cup of tea and feeling twitchy but fine. The first few days are always so easy, when I’ve geared myself up and am ready to go with my shiny new resolution. Trust, I’m with you re looking forward to October and right now i am doing my usual oscillation between mantras - ‘one day at a time’/‘just a month and then I ‘deserve’ a drink’/‘I can never drink again’. I am wondering whether to go with the last one because realistically I think it is true, I am hurtling towards poisoning myself irredeemably. I can’t put in the effort for a sober September only to ‘reward ‘ myself with an off the rails October. It has to be forever, and I think my brain may be ready to accept that. But I still don’t know if that’s a helpful starting point for today, or whether it risks becoming overwhelming. ODAAT isn’t quite cutting it, though.

Oh well. At least it’s Bake Off, and back to school tomorrow. I love this time of year!

Well I managed 6 days and then it all fell apart. I had 1 1/2 bottles of wine last night and even though I felt like shit this morning I knew I'd drink today. Which I am. Even though it's my DC's first day back at school tomorrow and I need to be on the ball. So pissed off with myself but not enough to actually stop.

Day2 - what are you going to do differently next time? Whatever you tried this time hasn't worked, so what's the plan?

FYI - I needed help to get sober. Willpower always failed me eventually.

smallfox I’m glad you can relate to what I’m feeling. That’s what’s so great about the bus. There is always someone who “gets it”. Let’s support each other through this sober September then we can see where we go from there.
Day2 what happened? You sounded like you were doing so well. Was there a particular reason? Anyway tomorrow is another day and I’m sure you can get back on the bus if you are ready to.
Good night to everybody x

Trust, how are you doing today? And Day2, I recognise that utter sense of disillusionment when the resolve goes AWOL - I hope you’re feeling better. Are you managing to stay AF today?

Bus is quiet at the moment. Can we persuade anyone to de-lurk and pep us up a bit? Or any old timers fancy sharing a story of inspiration/entertainment or plain old soldier-ogling (in Ma’s case - hope you’re ok there babe). Come keep me and the tumbleweed company.

Hi smallfox all good with me thanks. Just plodding along the usual road. Zumba after work today. I have a work night out tomorrow. I am normally one of the ‘party people’ having drinks etc but I’m obviously not drinking tomorrow. I have been out with them before a few times when not drinking and not everybody does so it won’t be a problem. However there is some benefit to be gained by waking up the next morning and being happy with myself for not talking a load of old rubbish like I normally do when drinking 😀
How are you doing?
I like the idea of some of the old posters sharing experiences. So helpful!
Hope everyone is doing ok

Hi

I've never posted on here before. I'm not sure what to say except I want to cut down on my drinking. I can relate to a lot of what people are saying. I have two children under 3 and I've had PND both times as well as having recurrent depression since being a teen. I've done dry January several times and always feel better. At the moment I seem to be drinking too much, every evening, sometimes just one but usually several. I tell myself it's just to relax but then I feel ashamed and weak for drinking each day. I tried not drinking in the week but it soon became be starting on a Thursday,then Wednesday etc. Anyone got any advice?

Hi Looby you have made the first step by posting on here and realising that you want to change. Lots of people will have better advice than me but all I would say is do it one day at a time. A well used phrase but I truly think it does help. Don’t project or make plans. Just don’t drink for one day then wake up the next day and see how good you feel. And keep posting when you need support.

Thanks very much it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thing is I've got friends and family who care but I don't feel like I can tell them

looby it can feel very scary to tell family and friends for a whole load of reasons. I know that I was scared of them belittling what I said and not understanding how deadly serious this problem was for me, and yet at the same time I was petrified that they would take it seriously and stop me from drinking (if I felt I wanted to).

In the meantime this IS a safe place where people will understand the dichotomy of that thinking. Welcome.

Good morning everybody.
I am waking up full of the joys as I did not drink last night. This is very very unusual for me on a Friday night after work and I didn’t know if I would definitely do it even though I am doing Sober September! Well it can be done and it has been done and I feel good for it! I’m off to walk my dog then hit the gym for yoga and aqua.
Hope everyone is doing ok today. I have had so much support from this thread and it really does help so please keep posting..

Would you allow me to give myself a pat on the back? No one to brag to in real life as they’d be 🤨 ....it’s been a hell of a day and that was before dh ended up in a&e and they had to call in a specialist team to sort him out (all now fixed and he’s snoring next to me😊)..and i’m still af despite the half full bottle of wine he’d opened last night sitting in the fridge😁. I’m not going af forever I don’t think but i’m having a good run and keen to hit my target and then reassess. I’ve really found that it’s the habitual expectation of a ‘reward’ that trapped me and once I had a weekend af under my belt it seems the expectation in me broke. I scared myself a short while ago thinking I may have damaged my health which fortunately turned out to not be the case but it gave me the kick up the arse I needed to address and moderate before it’s too late. I have found that i’m still pretty tired a lot of the time but I do sleep a lot better and I think my patience has improved and i’m able to face my anxieties more rationally. I take inspiration and comfort from this thread so thank you all!

Hey all, and thanks for the shout out small. Not on here much as struggling with a lot of stuff but still loving my job and doing lots of soldier ogling. In fact am off to Cyprus next week with a whole lot of them. Will be staying on the base and sleeping in the barracks!!!

ma always delighted to see a post from you. pm me if you fancy a meet up x

venus that would be good. lots happening. heard from indie on linkedin and she is fine and has joint custody now of the dts.
i'm away most of September, after Cyprus i am up to Orkney where I hope to find some peace...
will be in touch

Hello all. Blinking well done you - that’s really great. You definitely deserve a pat on the back - so here you go! I don’t think we celebrate our own successes nearly enough - we’re either too bashful or too worried about being bold about it in case we ‘fail’ again the next day. I’m definitely living in the moment and so hereby congratulate myself on 8 days sober. Feeling really good, too, and hitting that wonderful, blissful phase of sober sleep which makes me think - why would I ever drink? And yet, and yet..

Trust lovely,, how are you? Hope things continue to go well. And lovely to see you Ma, happy in your job, and Venus wise as ever (which spookily just autocorrected to ‘wine’. Bit worried as to what that says about my online history!).

Been doing a lot of re-reading, re-listening. I just read SoberMummy’s blog and book again - resonates so strongly and I think she’s awesome. I’m half way through Jason Vale’s book and am remembering why I got so annoyed with it/him last time - I know lots of you have found it beneficial so can you just reassure me that I should try to finish it this time?

And listening to loads of episodes of the Bubble Hour. Sometimes irritating, but often hugely touching and so, so helpful to have feelings and thoughts articulated that I thought were specific just to me. The world is in an awful mess at the moment and my aged parents would have me believe its all the fault of those there computers and all that global malarkey .. .but yet, how amazing and how privileged to be able to spend my commute listening to the heartfelt story of someone in Daytona (or wherever), someone I’ll never meet but who has spoken with such sincerity about addiction, both for their own benefit and for those like me struggling with the same issues. I feel truly grateful.

Thank you Small - and a return pat on your 8! KOKO.

Tis time to cut down and then I want to do go sober for October