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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Split up, but I am gutted. Please prop me up.

128 replies

charliecat · 21/05/2007 17:39

Been miserable for a long long time, split with dp a couple/few days ago, dont know, time merging into itself.
Feel a weight has been lifted, know its best all round, but am gutted inside.
He was the bloke for me, and there wont be another, but it seriusly wasnt working, and wouldnt so theres no but ifs.
Wish i could fast forward 6 months, but cant.
Sympathy please.

OP posts:
isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 20:31

where abouts lou33 - I am on the borderoff all 3 counties (surrey, berks, hants)

lou33 · 23/05/2007 20:39

not far from guildford

isheisnthe · 23/05/2007 20:56

easilly doable if you want want to meet up with an unhinged nut nut

lou33 · 23/05/2007 21:06

oh im cool with that, am not entirely sure you'd want to meet me tho!

Original poster
charliecat · 23/05/2007 21:15

Hmmpphh storms off in huff. Can you take a webcam and ill join in from here?

OP posts:
Lio · 23/05/2007 21:18

Oh I am so sorry

lou33 · 23/05/2007 21:41

come over cc

MiaWallace · 23/05/2007 21:46

Going through something similar myself. Split 3 months ago, he left the house 6 weeks ago (not before me finding his new gf earings on my bedside table).

I've read for every year you were together you need a month to get over the relationship.

A good piece of practical advice is to write a grief letter. Write to your ex exactly how you feel, what you think, things you will miss about him, things you won't. Write about the good times and the bad. Write everything you wish you said but didn't, everything you said but wish you hadn't. Finally say goodbye.

You should never send this letter so you can write with totally honesty. I was sceptical at first but I wrote a 16 page letter and it help me see things far more clearly.

Wishing you strenght and courage to get through this difficult time.

harman · 23/05/2007 21:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 12:59

Cant drive long distances yet Lou...I know slap me with a kipper.
Mia, didnt realise I cannot get the concentration to hold a pen yet, let alone write with it, but that sounds good. Very good.
Earrings Fucker.
Harman, when are you free? Will fit in with you? i ran the idea past my mum about the cat and she cringed 6 feet backwards. She did it while we were on hol for 4 days and she hated it more everytime she had to do it...bloody thing.
xdp is being incredibly nice and considerate and thank you maam. Bloody shame he couldnt have been like that always.
Theres no going back though, we know it would deterioate(sp?)
Not so many tears, only when I see him now.

OP posts:
ChipButty · 24/05/2007 13:09

Thinking of you, CharlieCat. Tell me to shut up because I do not know your history but this all seems so final. Have you been to Relate? They really helped my sister and her marriage is stronger for it. Like I said, tell me to shut up...

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 13:15

I think this is it Chipbutty. I think the next arguement would have had me being carted off to the police station for stabbing him.
I cant take one more little insult, really, seriously had enough, cannot take any more, not even a pinch.
It was like being in a pressure cooker waiting for the next insult/negative comment/sneering remark. All stopped now, but I KNOW it would return, he looks at my face and becomes nasty?!? cant explain it himself but doesnt do it to anyone else.
You hurt the ones you love the most, and familiarity breeds contempt I think.

OP posts:
ChipButty · 24/05/2007 13:18

Do you not think having someone from outside the relationship to guide you could help? You've said he is being nicer since you came to the decision to split - would he be up for some marriage guidance? Really feel for you as I know what my sister went through but 4 years on they are stronger than ever.

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 13:23

We are not married, and maybe thats part of the problem too, I have never wanted to get married, but when wehave discussed what will happen when the kids leave home, you now, what will we do with ourselves he has said things along the line of Well we will go our seperate ways, and he may have been joking, but sorry, no, not happening, im not wasting my youth on someone whos going to walk away when the kids have fled the nest.
It really wasnt working.
I think hes remorseful, but if he doesnt know why he was such a shit he cant fix it, and I think too much damage has been done to rectify it.
He has bee really cutting, and downright nasty, as well as constantly critising every thing I did, everything I said, if I laughed he would tell me whatever I was laughing at wasnt funny Oh god. no....couldnt do it anymore...
I have gave this many one more times, BTW, Many.

OP posts:
chilledmama · 24/05/2007 13:25

LOve and big hugs

I hope you start to feel better soon...I hate feeling miserable...there is just nothing for it
You know it will be easier...it just takes some time. Take your kids ice skating or something equally stupid to take you rmind off it for a coupke of hours.

We're all here for you!

ChipButty · 24/05/2007 13:28

Fair enough then and it sounds like you are doing the right thing. You sound like a lovely person and deserve to be treated a whole lot better. I guess you'll come out of this period of 'mourning' a whole lot stronger but I think you always grieve for a finished relationship, even if you know things weren't right. I wish you all the best. Have to go now but keep talking to us - it's all going to be alright in the end. xx

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 13:31

Thanks guys, if he takes the pc Ill be living at the library
Oh I am a lovely person He just failed to see it for the past few years

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/05/2007 15:59

charlie you cand o it, i drove to mayfiels with my kids 10 days after passing!

i believe that is near tw

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 17:55

I believe it is too somewhere
Oh god, hit a real low and going to throw myself at his feet when he walks in the door and I really know I must not.

OP posts:
Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 18:19

Oh god I really must not. He says hes got some groundbreaking news for me. I guess this means hes going to scotland or ireland.
Oh god.

OP posts:
harman · 24/05/2007 18:34

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 24/05/2007 18:40

you can doit cc, just dont make any hasty decisions

my friend runs a pub in mayfield, he is a really good chef, so maybe if we go again i will let you know!

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 19:53

Good god, didnt fall at his smelly feet, I ran round to my friends for a coffee and to passively smoke her fags.
His job is rocky, very rocky,he found out today meaning he doesnt want to lock into a rental contract then find he cant pay the rent.
So im bulldozering him into room rental, short term.
Will keep updated. We could all meet up at this pub maybe? Would LOVE too.

OP posts:
lou33 · 24/05/2007 19:53

yes that would be lovely

i might even do it during half term depending on weather/cash

Original poster
charliecat · 24/05/2007 20:06

Ok. Good good good Mayfield....hmm, it is somewhere round here, harman will know. God you two are gorgeous, ill be the dumpy scruffy one.

OP posts: