My boyfriend doesn't like my sister

[Anony123]

My family are real family people but my boyfriend family isn't so much. My sister gets on my nerves a lot too but at the end of the day we are family. The problem is we all hate her boyfriend and she is becoming more and more like him. But the thing that is annoying my partner the most is the way she acts about our 8 month old daughter.

E.g 1) yesterday we went down to theirs and they live with my dad. My sister had kept up my nephews push along walker for my lo. We were talking about how she walks around holding our hands (but has no balance of her own yet). She then goes "oh I'll get the walker out for her and we can try it out". Of she goes and gets the walker. I gave her a big hug saying thank you and that we will try it with her in a few months. She then proceeds to say "try it on her today, she'll be fine" I say not yet again and she still went on until I said not yet again. She then was in the kitchen and we could hear her mumbling to her boyfriend about it and this really annoyed my partner.

E.g 2) yesterday again I was upstairs using my dad's printer so I wasn't there. My boyfriend said this is how it went. My nephew (nearly 2 years old) was trying to give our lo a chocolate gingerbread man and they were all like no no. So my dad suggests to my boyfriend to get her some cheese out of the fridge. My boyfriend did so and when he came back out she had the ginger bread man in her mouth and apparently my sister looked up saw it and looked back down. This made his really annoyed because they know how we feel about junk food for her.

E.g 3) my sister's boyfriend went to give our daughter a cuddle a few months back with no top on. My boyfriend asked if he could put a top on (as he didn't feel comfortable with anyone but us having skin to skin, fair enough). My sister then whispered to him in the kitchen "just cuddle her anyway it's fine". This really upset my boyfriend.

E.g 4) my sister and her boyfriend are smokers. When we told them we don't feel comfortable that they give our lo a cuddle after smoking and we would like them to wait half an hour and we would like them to change their top if before hand,we heard them bitching about it.

I don't know what to do! We only live a 20 minute walk from each other and when they will be at my dad's he tries to avoid seeing them at all costs and it really upsets me. He gets really funny about it saying that he doesn't want to see them every week and that we need our own lives and that we moved our so we don't have to deal with them. It upset me because yeah they annoy me to but she is my sister at the end of the day. She then said she was going to surprise us and pop up earlier (this was yesterday) and then later that day he said that he thinks it's wrong for her to show up to our house unannounced and she just kind of lets my nephew run about our house without watching him so it's actually my boyfriend that runs around after him as we are in the middle of doing it up as we just moved in last month. I just don't know what to do but it's causing tension and I hate that

Other than the smoking you are being rather precious. I don't see any harm in trying the walker. Nothing bad would have happened. Your Dsis was being nice. Again gingerbread isn't going to kill her it a small treat. Cheese isn't that great either as full of salt. There is no harm in someone giving your daughter a hug with no tip on. Are you going to make everyone wear long sleeves whilst holding her so that there's no risk of skin touching?

This all sounds very childish.

Tbh it mainly sounds petty.

She does some stuff you don't lime and moans to her partner.

I would say pick your battles. Like the smoking. If it's important to you and your partner, you need to support your partner.

But she is entitled to have a moan to her own Dp.

It also sounds like your Dp feels you are living in their pockets and doesn't like it. Wether that's him being a dick or because you are always there and let her get away with stuff because she is your sister, I can't tell.

I agree that, other than the smoking, you are both being very precious. The Walker issue is actually annoying as walking with a push along (not sit in) walker is actually far better developmentally than walking with hands- her own arms should be in front or down NOT up and to the sides like they will be when you walk with her.
I’m not sure why you can’t just see your sister and nephew without the boyfriends even being there? Meet up at the park or a softplay etc perhaps.
When you have an older child you do move on to realising that a lot of the stuff you worry about at first just isn’t that important.

She has no balance and can't stand by herself and it's a push along one and they have wooden floors so she would have just went on her face. It was a chocolate gingerbread man and we don't want her having chocolate yet as she has plenty of time to have junk food throughout her life. No it's because she was quite small at the time and we just wanted skin to skin to be our thing with her.

I think my sister is just being nice to but my boyfriend wants us to do the firsts with her so he would have been upset if they say used the walker with her first as its a first and he gets really funnt about that and that really annoys me because at the end of the day they are my family.

To sum it up he feels at though they think they have a say in how she is raised and treat her like their own. He gets annoyed because they don't respect our wishes. He feels my sister takes over every moment because like when she first said mama and first time she went in her high chair she went crazy running around the house getting excited and hugging her and he feels those moments should be our moments (this is when we lived together about the highchair and mama thing) i think she is just being really sweet but it really annoys him and I don't know what to do about it

It's not compulsory to like people just because they're family. You might all benefit from a bit of space and time away from each other before one of you blows.

All honestly you sound hardwork here. I can’t see what they done wrong other than the smoking. I see potential red flags about your own dp attacking your sister over minor stuff, it’s almost as if he’s trying to put a wedge in your relationship.

She has no balance and can't stand by herself and it's a push along one and they have wooden floors so she would have just went on her face.

No she wouldn't because you would have hold of her.

Skin on skin is 'your thing'? He gave her cuddle with no t shirt on.

It sounds like they do respect your wishes (aside from ignoring the gingerbread bit, but you didn't see that) but they moan about it. So what?

Oh and getting excited because your niece has done something is normal. Especially when you all live together. You all become closer and these moments are important.

I can understand, you have different parenting way from your sister and she’s being disrespectful by deliberately doing the opposite or what you ask her to do.

I’d support your boyfriend in this, if she announces she’s coming around and you don’t want her to tell her you’re busy.

I think it actually sound dangerous for her toddler tone racing around your house unsupervised if you’re in the middle of doing house up and say so to her.

She sounds like she’s deliberately doing things you have said you don’t get want for your dd, to be honest I didn’t give my babies sugar either until they were much older and brushing their teeth. I hate the thought of my baby having cavities!

Agree that you are being a bit precious, especially if your family are “real family people”.

You can be as precious as you want, and so can your boyfriend, but I wonder if that preciousness fits into a “real family” environment where normally children “belong” to the whole family.

I would be annoyed at the gingerbread man and the shirtless hug, but just if I had said no already. I would say, however, that it is YOU who need to define the boundaries you want in the relationship with YOUR family. You need to talk to them and also accept that they may decide to stay away and start ignoring your child altogether to avoid upsetting you and your partner.

Your boyfriend is more the issue from what you’re saying. You can’t do anything or anyone else can’t do anything that might be viewed, however loosely, as a first- and the examples are a bit daft. Either he’s trying to turn you from his family, or you’re both looking for an excuse. He do any like his family, so is needling you with stupid issues so you are the same.......alienating you from a family you’re close to seems a big WTF for me.

Sounds like your boyfriend needs to chill out a bit! Can't see your sister or her boyfriend doing much wrong to be honest

she sounds mildly irritating for some stuff, but i think youre being a bit precious too. DO you normally find it hard to rub along with people?

I just want to say to everyone these are points my boyfriend gets annoyed about not me. I didn't want to use the walker yet as they have slippery wooden floors and she can't even hold herself up and is extremely unstable without us holding her. Everything else in way over but it gets to my partner. He feels they would just do things behind our backs with her. His examples are the gingerbread man because before he went in to the kitchen she said oh you can't have that your mummy would kill us to my lo so she knew and then let her have it anyway. Also is annoyed him that she said about using th walker with her before even asking or saying it to us and I know my boyfriend would have been annoyed if they did it because he would have liked one of us to be the first to do it with her as it's a big thing (to him) and he wouldn't want someone else "taking that from him"

He is controlling in other areas of your life? The walker is fine why would he miss it if he was there you hold it and push her along.

One question, if you find them so annoying... why do you keep in touch so much?

Boyfriend sounds the problem rather than sister

I think it’s sweer that you sister and her boyfriend are so close to your daughter, your very lucky to have such close family trust me make the most of it. My siblings couldn’t care less about my little one. One of my sisters has only seen my 2 year old twice and only because I brought him to see her. Your daughter has people that love her dearly by the sounds of it, it’s a shame your boyfriend is making it into something negative.

He sounds controlling, trying to reserve the firsts for when he is on his own with his family??? Ha! Firsts just happen, can’t be planned, can’t be reserved for the time the conditions are optimal.

Your partner is going to miss some of her firsts. So are you. That's life. You both need to get over it.

The only thing that makes me wonder if he has a point about your family, is your description of them. They are real and his family aren't.

I can't help wonder if he is just fed up of the situation with your family feels they are too much involved and picking up on small things. Perhaps you need to look at your view of your family. Does he feel like an outsider?

But then he could be a controlling dick.

and I know my boyfriend would have been annoyed if they did it because he would have liked one of us to be the first to do it with her as it's a big thing (to him) and he wouldn't want someone else "taking that from him"

Your boyfriend is definitely the one with the issue.

It frustrates me too that he wants one of us to be there for every first and doing the first with her. That's the point I'm making. He doesn't trust them as they do things and go on about doing things even when we say no. We don't trust them for other reasons and would never leave our lo with them because 1) her boyfriend has anger issues and shouts at my nephew all the time and 2) she is terrible with safety like leaves my nephew in the bath by himself, let's him play in the concrete garden with steps by himself, doesn't strap him properly in to the high chair, let's him run around by himself in the house.

He doesn't stop my having a relationship with her at all. He just gets funny about everything. They used to be sooo close literally like brother and sister close

None of this is a big deal.

We joke at CrossFit because each day I bring in my 10 month old and a packet of wotsits and use them as quiet bribes for the entire class, I’ve done this since she was 6 months old!! We joke that if she was my first born it would be organix rice crackers but because she’s my third, you concentrate on the important stuff and £1 for two packets of wotsits = four whole days of CrossFit bribes!

Honestly, be grateful you have your sister. This baby IS part of her family, it’s her blood. We have no one, DH and I, just each other and the children we have made together.

No babysitters, no one to sound off, no one the baby knows well enough to be held by. It’s hard. Really, really hard. Be grateful for what you have rather than trying to change it (because it’s not bad)

Our LO is our first, I'm 20 and he is 21