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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend doesn't like my sister

150 replies

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 08:07

My family are real family people but my boyfriend family isn't so much. My sister gets on my nerves a lot too but at the end of the day we are family. The problem is we all hate her boyfriend and she is becoming more and more like him. But the thing that is annoying my partner the most is the way she acts about our 8 month old daughter.

E.g 1) yesterday we went down to theirs and they live with my dad. My sister had kept up my nephews push along walker for my lo. We were talking about how she walks around holding our hands (but has no balance of her own yet). She then goes "oh I'll get the walker out for her and we can try it out". Of she goes and gets the walker. I gave her a big hug saying thank you and that we will try it with her in a few months. She then proceeds to say "try it on her today, she'll be fine" I say not yet again and she still went on until I said not yet again. She then was in the kitchen and we could hear her mumbling to her boyfriend about it and this really annoyed my partner.

E.g 2) yesterday again I was upstairs using my dad's printer so I wasn't there. My boyfriend said this is how it went. My nephew (nearly 2 years old) was trying to give our lo a chocolate gingerbread man and they were all like no no. So my dad suggests to my boyfriend to get her some cheese out of the fridge. My boyfriend did so and when he came back out she had the ginger bread man in her mouth and apparently my sister looked up saw it and looked back down. This made his really annoyed because they know how we feel about junk food for her.

E.g 3) my sister's boyfriend went to give our daughter a cuddle a few months back with no top on. My boyfriend asked if he could put a top on (as he didn't feel comfortable with anyone but us having skin to skin, fair enough). My sister then whispered to him in the kitchen "just cuddle her anyway it's fine". This really upset my boyfriend.

E.g 4) my sister and her boyfriend are smokers. When we told them we don't feel comfortable that they give our lo a cuddle after smoking and we would like them to wait half an hour and we would like them to change their top if before hand,we heard them bitching about it.

I don't know what to do! We only live a 20 minute walk from each other and when they will be at my dad's he tries to avoid seeing them at all costs and it really upsets me. He gets really funny about it saying that he doesn't want to see them every week and that we need our own lives and that we moved our so we don't have to deal with them. It upset me because yeah they annoy me to but she is my sister at the end of the day. She then said she was going to surprise us and pop up earlier (this was yesterday) and then later that day he said that he thinks it's wrong for her to show up to our house unannounced and she just kind of lets my nephew run about our house without watching him so it's actually my boyfriend that runs around after him as we are in the middle of doing it up as we just moved in last month. I just don't know what to do but it's causing tension and I hate that

OP posts:
Tambien · 08/06/2018 09:55

How do I say NO?

Just by saying
‘NO I’m sorry but I already have plans’
‘NO I’m sorry, I can’t do this time but I could pop round at xxx time’

But do YOU want to say NO, or are you just wanting to say NO because you feel you should as he doesn’t want to go and see them?

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:57

I don't know actually if I've told him it upsets me. That's a good point thank you

OP posts:
Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:59

I don't know...I really don't know. When it comes to my lo I'll admit I'm a little precious (no way near as my boyfriend) but I think it's understandable her being my first but I still want my family to be close to her but apart from my lo I'm quite laid back and easy going so I don't know

OP posts:
YoucancallmeVal · 08/06/2018 10:00

Your boyfriend sounds weird. The rest sounds like normal, irritating family stuff.

ichifanny · 08/06/2018 10:09

Do any of you work ? Sounds like you have a lot of time to all sit around annoying each other .

Dancingmonkey87 · 08/06/2018 10:09

You tell your family he’s busy it’s as simple as that. I regularly go round my parents on my own even my inlaws aswell as together no one bats an eyelid

TheBogWitchIsBack · 08/06/2018 10:18

I don't see the why your family asking where he is should be a source of annoyance. It's fairly usual for my family to ask where my dh is and how he is when we aren't together.

Is it unusual for you and your partner to do things separately?

CloudCaptain · 08/06/2018 10:20

I'm gonna go against the grain here and agree, somewhat, with your bf. He has a daughter now, he's being very pfb, but who doesn't. Your sister and violent bf sound like nightmares tbh, but you have rose tinted glasses on about their behavior. Are you not worried dn will drown in the bath? This isn't right.
However, bf just needs to spend less time with them. Prioritys change when you start your own family. You seem to be prioritising your sister over bf.
Some compromise and actual talking (not arguing) all round would be better.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 10:23

I do, I worry about my poor nephew the whole time and have actually cried to my partner about it. My mum and dad are the same too. We all worry about him. That's why we wouldn't leave her with them even though they keep going on to us to leave her with them

OP posts:
FlaviaAlbia · 08/06/2018 10:24

For those who slate the partner, would you be happy if your partner wanted to you spend time with a person in a bad relationship with someone with anger issues who shouts at a toddler for interrupting their gaming?

Meeting your sister separately with your nephew and not leaving your DD alone with her based off her attitude to safety is one thing, spending time all together is another.

If DH wanted me to do what you want your DP to do, I'd be out like a shot.

DistanceCall · 08/06/2018 10:24

Also, bear in mind. Even if you split up, your partner will always be the father of your child. You are going to have a relationship with him for the rest of your life.

You may want to be in a close-knit family, but he is also entitled to want to be more independent. And you both need to reach an agreement on how to raise your child.

He needs to be more flexible. And you need to detach a little from your family. It's not good that you feel that you can't say no to them.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 10:25

Well we all lived together until recently. My partner and I don't have friends as we haven't lived in the area long so we do spend a good bit of time together but now I'm doing more baby clubs and he is making friends at work and might be joining there soccer team we are spending some more time apart which is good because it was too much

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 08/06/2018 10:30

It's good that you are both starting to socialise a bit more. Sounds like you both need a bit more independence from each other, as well as from your family.

Pandora79 · 08/06/2018 10:33

So

Dp is a bit pfb
Dsis and her Dp are dicks sometimes
Dsis and her Dp never have your child alone
Dsis and her Dp do respect your boundaries but moan a bit to eachotger
Dp is happy for you to see them, he just doesn't want to go all the time

What's the issue?

If a woman posted that her dh wasn't happy that she didn't want to visit their in-laws much, but was happy for him to go, everyone would be saying her dh was being a dick.

Also he really needs to get a full time job. Liking a job is great. But you are parents now.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 10:37

He wants a full time job. He was going to quit this one to take up a full time night job but realised it was only temporary so is seeing about trying to do both of them.

What's a pfb

OP posts:
Anony123 · 08/06/2018 10:38

And the problem is he gets annoyed when they do things with her as feel they are intervening

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 08/06/2018 10:40

PFB means "precious first-born". It means that your boyfriend is being a bit silly and obsessive about his first child, which is very normal in first-time parents.

I think he probably is annoyed when they do things with her because you see your family so often. If you saw them a bit less frequently, he would probably find it easier not to become so irritated.

Brendatheblender · 08/06/2018 10:41

Life is too short for so much drama over non-issues!

Cricrichan · 08/06/2018 10:45

Good grief. You and your husband need to get a life.

OliviaPopeRules · 08/06/2018 10:51

Only read the OP but to be honest your bf sounds like a pain in the arse/acting like a lot of people do with pfb.
Nothing your sister has done is wrong. Even with the smoking it sounds like you are saying she was overhead moaning about it but I assume they still did what you asked?
Fair enough if you didn't want your DD to go in the walker (no idea why) but she was prob just excited about her trying it.
Your sister and her partner sound like they are making an effort and interested in your DD.
I think the only thing your sister needs to learn to be a bit more discreet with her moaning to her partner. I think 99% of people moan about their families at times but ideally best if they don't hear you!!

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 08/06/2018 10:59

I agree with the smoking part. But other than that your partner sounds nuts, and it sounds like he's the one making scenes and uncomfortable moments with the family.

MadMags · 08/06/2018 12:17

Honestly, this is just another problem to add to the list with this dickhead.

I really don’t think you’re in a position to judge your sister’s partner or relationship, do you?

Miserysquared · 08/06/2018 13:00

I think you're both out of line to be having a go at how your sister lives her life and raises her child. Your partner is saying she is a bad influence, but you have an 8 month old at 21 with a man you've been with for two years...and he works four hours a week...he probably could have planned his life a bit better himself.

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 08/06/2018 13:16

I agree that you are in no position to judge your sister and/or her relationship. Unless you are doing so to deflect from the dickhead you ended up with?

You should be able to see your family when you want without worrying about him not being there or feeling like he should be. Maybe work on that first.

pissedonatrain · 08/06/2018 15:18

You're both being precious. None of this will matter at all and won't even be remembered a year from now.

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