My boyfriend doesn't like my sister

[Anony123]

My family are real family people but my boyfriend family isn't so much. My sister gets on my nerves a lot too but at the end of the day we are family. The problem is we all hate her boyfriend and she is becoming more and more like him. But the thing that is annoying my partner the most is the way she acts about our 8 month old daughter.

E.g 1) yesterday we went down to theirs and they live with my dad. My sister had kept up my nephews push along walker for my lo. We were talking about how she walks around holding our hands (but has no balance of her own yet). She then goes "oh I'll get the walker out for her and we can try it out". Of she goes and gets the walker. I gave her a big hug saying thank you and that we will try it with her in a few months. She then proceeds to say "try it on her today, she'll be fine" I say not yet again and she still went on until I said not yet again. She then was in the kitchen and we could hear her mumbling to her boyfriend about it and this really annoyed my partner.

E.g 2) yesterday again I was upstairs using my dad's printer so I wasn't there. My boyfriend said this is how it went. My nephew (nearly 2 years old) was trying to give our lo a chocolate gingerbread man and they were all like no no. So my dad suggests to my boyfriend to get her some cheese out of the fridge. My boyfriend did so and when he came back out she had the ginger bread man in her mouth and apparently my sister looked up saw it and looked back down. This made his really annoyed because they know how we feel about junk food for her.

E.g 3) my sister's boyfriend went to give our daughter a cuddle a few months back with no top on. My boyfriend asked if he could put a top on (as he didn't feel comfortable with anyone but us having skin to skin, fair enough). My sister then whispered to him in the kitchen "just cuddle her anyway it's fine". This really upset my boyfriend.

E.g 4) my sister and her boyfriend are smokers. When we told them we don't feel comfortable that they give our lo a cuddle after smoking and we would like them to wait half an hour and we would like them to change their top if before hand,we heard them bitching about it.

I don't know what to do! We only live a 20 minute walk from each other and when they will be at my dad's he tries to avoid seeing them at all costs and it really upsets me. He gets really funny about it saying that he doesn't want to see them every week and that we need our own lives and that we moved our so we don't have to deal with them. It upset me because yeah they annoy me to but she is my sister at the end of the day. She then said she was going to surprise us and pop up earlier (this was yesterday) and then later that day he said that he thinks it's wrong for her to show up to our house unannounced and she just kind of lets my nephew run about our house without watching him so it's actually my boyfriend that runs around after him as we are in the middle of doing it up as we just moved in last month. I just don't know what to do but it's causing tension and I hate that

I feel drained just reading this. Life shouldn’t be this much hard work. I think boyfriend is the main problem

I'm on your boyfriend's side. OK so he does sound a little bit precious but I would be the same with all those examples except for the skin one. We all have our own likes and dislikes and these things are your boyfriend's.

Your sister sounds like a neglectful, abusive and dangerous "parent". Although, it doesn't sound as if she parents at all. She sounds awful - little one left in the bath, car seat not done up properly, lets her partner shout at her two year old. Awful, awful, awful.

You said your sister gets on your nerves but she's your sister. Well I think, so what if she's your sister - she's a nightmare.

Your boyfriend likes your dad, it's not like he's being anti your whole family. I think he is quite right to want to stay away from her.

He sounds a little bit weird about wanting all the firsts but then it's a while since my first was a baby so I can't remember. But I would say, try and see your parents without your sistser and her horrible partner around.

Can you imagine being your boyfriend and having to spend so much time with such an annoying and frankly dangerous person? I feel for him.

OP - having read your other threads, your DP seems, well, horrible. Sorry, sorry. Please don’t let him alienate you from your family.

So find it difficult to give any real credibility to his complaints

I've spoke to him about it and said if I speak to my sister and just explain to her how serious he is taking the fatherhood thing will he mellow out a bit. He said he will but depending on how the talk goes because if she goes ape shit or anything then no as it proves his point on what she is like (his words not mine)

You will hopefully outgrow trying to control everything around your LO.
I think you are being ridiculous. Just wait till LO goes to school. How will you cope? Bet you are going to be one of those parents who are constantly nagging the teacher forgetting there are 29 other children.
I am an educational professional and your attitude is just so wrong on all levels. No skin to skin? No biscuits even as a one off? It's just so controlling its untrue.
Educate yourself woman. This child will end up with an eating disorder.

Also stop judging your sister. She can parent as she sees fit and really its non of your business. She is doing it differently to you and neither sounds perfect.

I'm genuinely worried about the safety of my nephew so that is why I've said about my sister.

The thing he is most annoyed at is the fact she disrespect our parenting ways (his words). She disrespected it by 1) saying just cuddle her without a top on and 2) by giving her he ginger bread man. (His words)

So he can’t watch porn to get back at your sister, so what’s his plan then?

You're sister can't do right for doing wrong really....

Anony

But those are really lame, non-issues.

Just tell him to shut up

I agree with PPs that these are non-issues and you sound a bit precious. The smoking one is different but even if that's only occasionally I wouldn't get too upset about it.

If you want family involved with your DD then you have to accept they are not going to do things exactly the way you would and you won't get to raise your child in a perfect bubble. That is part and parcel of being a parent and having a family.

You should clearly delineate between things that are of genuine risk or harm to your child and things that may not be how you would do them, but are not a big deal. And let the small stuff go.

If you are always stressing about insignificant stuff it will be much harder for A. You to recognise when something is genuinely risky or harmful and B. For others to hear you when you are expressing a genuine concern.

I think you both need to take a step back, a deep breath and recognise that other people have different ways of doing things and the range of influences and variety of experiences is actually valuable for your DD.

I speak to my sister and just explain to her how serious he is taking the fatherhood thing will he mellow out a bit.

Didn't he say he would stop watching porn? Your sister lives with your dad and yet you fear for him?

Your Dp sounds like a prick. But maybe he doesn't want your child around people who put their own child/grandchild in danger.

Or are you overreacting about that too?

Your bf sounds like a bit of a pansy tbh. Other than the smoking thing, you’re both being PFB.

This all sounds incredibly dramatic.

Your sister and her bf ARE undermining you, so I can see why your partner is annoyed, especially when you spend so much time there. On the other hand, he seems a bit OTT about things too.

You keep saying that your family are "close-knit", and you excuse your sister's behaviour because "she's family". Could it be that your family dynamic isn't as helpful as it could be? It sounds a little toxic; a bit too "close".

You might benefit from not going round there quite so much, I think, and spending time building YOUR little family unit.

You keep saying your boyfriend doesn't stop you seeing your sister.

You then go on to describe, repeatedly, the various ways in which he is trying to drive a wedge between you. You also then describe him telling you he doesn't want her involved in your child's life.

So actually he is trying to stop you seeing your sister. He's just adopted the slow and subtle approach.

Because he knows if he just told you outright not to see her you'd see his controlling nature for what it is, but if he does it gradually like this you won't realise what he's doing until it's too late.

I've looked at your other threads. Sounds like both you and your sister have ended up with controlling, abusive partners. The only reason this is not so glaringly obvious to you from the inside that your boyfriend and her boyfriend have selected a different range of tactics from the abuser's handbook.

The issue isn't your sister, it isn't that your child is his first, it isn't gingerbread men, it isn't any of the silly non issues he has created.

The issue is that he is abusive. Just because he was perfect and lovely in the beginning (when he wanted to draw you in) doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

Just because he lays on the charm in between the most blatant abuse doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

Just because he doesn't hit you (yet) doesn't mean he isn't abusing you.

Just because you love him doesn't mean he isn't abusing you or that he will change.

I don't expect you to believe me, I'm sure he's been working on your head for a long time to suck you into this, but if you checked out the Freedom Programme you would recognise him.

I had the shock of my life when I listened to the introduction and discovered that everything I thought was "normal" or "my fault" was actually classic and blatant abuse - and not how everyone else was living.

You don't have to live like this. It is not normal.

Your oh sounds pathetic. He doesn't say anything himself but expects you to, any chance it's because he wants you and your sister to fall out?

I've not seen your other threads that other posters are mentioning but it sounds as though you really need to take an honest look at your relationship.

I'm genuinely worried about the safety of my nephew so that is why I've said about my sister

Hmmm. That only came about after most posters pointed out what non issues you raised and what a tool your boyfriend is. Hard to know what's true and what's just immature/childish tit for tat.

I think you know he's a dick but if that is what you want for your child and all you think she/he deserves then at least recognise where the problem really lies

Having an Auntie who is involved and loving is amazing and your daughter is blessed to have many people in her life. Say that to him and see what his response is.

Why are you worried about your nephew? Didn't you say your Dad also lives in the same house as them, surely he wouldn't let anything happen to his grandson?
Your sister sounds like a nice, caring sister and aunt. She hasn't done anything wrong.
Her partner was fine until you didn't get the answers you wanted, and now he is a monster. Fine. Whatever.
Your boyfriend is the problem. From what you have repeatedly wrote, it's easy to see what a controlling dickhead he is. Whatever you do, don't stop seeing your family. They aren't the problem here.

You are very young and a bit obsessive about LO. But many of us make this mistake. In years to come if you have more children you will be howling with laughter at your ridiculousness.

Because that's what it is. Grow up.

I bet your expectations for your LO aren't in keeping with your own lifestyle. I bet you eat a biscuit every now and then. And why not?
Stop depriving your LO of different bits of joy! A hug from an uncle is loving even without his shirt on.

You have got it all wrong but its pointless telling you as I think you are too immature. Good luck with this nonsense.

Why did your OH feel uncomfortable about uncle with no top on? I can see ypu are trying to do your best OP but you and partner are very young to be so obsessive about all this stuff. Your points are absolute nonsense. He doesn't want others around, not because he wants to see the firsts, but because he is controlling. Do not have any more babies for a while, even though he will pressure you for them. See what kind of dad he is going to be a he grows up a bit. Be vety clear, this behaviour is not normal or healthy.

Dear God...

Your OH needs to calm down and stop chucking nonsense around like "disrespecting our parenting ways" he needs to grow up and stop acting like a twat.

One of you needs to witness your daughters firsts? Bloody rubbish, children have dozens of firsts a day... you're going to miss quite a few.

Skin to skin is "your thing"? I guess that's a fair rule for a newborn, but otherwise overly precious and he's being a twat (again)

Stop living in your family's pockets. Accept that your parenting choices and those of your sister are different. If you and your parents are concerned about the safety of your nephew then ring Social Services!

I doubt that you will be able to get through to your OH. He won't listen, he'll be one of these men who are always right. You've got your work cut out with him. Mark my words.

Your sister sounds like a nice, caring sister and aunt. She hasn't done anything wrong.

Eh? Even OP admits she has, but she puts up with her because she's family.
DP isn't family, though, and can't forgive and forget so easily.