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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My boyfriend doesn't like my sister

150 replies

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 08:07

My family are real family people but my boyfriend family isn't so much. My sister gets on my nerves a lot too but at the end of the day we are family. The problem is we all hate her boyfriend and she is becoming more and more like him. But the thing that is annoying my partner the most is the way she acts about our 8 month old daughter.

E.g 1) yesterday we went down to theirs and they live with my dad. My sister had kept up my nephews push along walker for my lo. We were talking about how she walks around holding our hands (but has no balance of her own yet). She then goes "oh I'll get the walker out for her and we can try it out". Of she goes and gets the walker. I gave her a big hug saying thank you and that we will try it with her in a few months. She then proceeds to say "try it on her today, she'll be fine" I say not yet again and she still went on until I said not yet again. She then was in the kitchen and we could hear her mumbling to her boyfriend about it and this really annoyed my partner.

E.g 2) yesterday again I was upstairs using my dad's printer so I wasn't there. My boyfriend said this is how it went. My nephew (nearly 2 years old) was trying to give our lo a chocolate gingerbread man and they were all like no no. So my dad suggests to my boyfriend to get her some cheese out of the fridge. My boyfriend did so and when he came back out she had the ginger bread man in her mouth and apparently my sister looked up saw it and looked back down. This made his really annoyed because they know how we feel about junk food for her.

E.g 3) my sister's boyfriend went to give our daughter a cuddle a few months back with no top on. My boyfriend asked if he could put a top on (as he didn't feel comfortable with anyone but us having skin to skin, fair enough). My sister then whispered to him in the kitchen "just cuddle her anyway it's fine". This really upset my boyfriend.

E.g 4) my sister and her boyfriend are smokers. When we told them we don't feel comfortable that they give our lo a cuddle after smoking and we would like them to wait half an hour and we would like them to change their top if before hand,we heard them bitching about it.

I don't know what to do! We only live a 20 minute walk from each other and when they will be at my dad's he tries to avoid seeing them at all costs and it really upsets me. He gets really funny about it saying that he doesn't want to see them every week and that we need our own lives and that we moved our so we don't have to deal with them. It upset me because yeah they annoy me to but she is my sister at the end of the day. She then said she was going to surprise us and pop up earlier (this was yesterday) and then later that day he said that he thinks it's wrong for her to show up to our house unannounced and she just kind of lets my nephew run about our house without watching him so it's actually my boyfriend that runs around after him as we are in the middle of doing it up as we just moved in last month. I just don't know what to do but it's causing tension and I hate that

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 08/06/2018 09:34

Could something have gone on between them and that’s why he’s agaisnt her all of a sudden, could he have tried it on and she rebuffed him and not said anything?

That's some first class speculation there Grin

Pandora79 · 08/06/2018 09:34

Your sister was a bit of a naughty teen?

You are both OTT. You say it's him but then seem to agree your sister is a dick and you don't want her doing this stuff or her around your child.

It sounds like you are placing this all at your dps feet when you feel very similar.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:35

He wanted to be there when we brought her to soft play for the first time but my sister invited me. He could see how much I wanted to go and was likes seriously go have a great time and get pictures for me

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 08/06/2018 09:36

@Anony123 , does your partner work?

Pandora79 · 08/06/2018 09:36

He is worried that my sister will be the one to give her her first fag and not care.

I smoke. I have 2 kids, a good job, was a year's day teen, smoked ppt etc. I am 36 and a different person to who I was at 17/21/25

I have never given a child a cig. I haven't ever given anyone their first cig. They want to smoke that's up to them. I don't be convincing them to.

Dancingmonkey87 · 08/06/2018 09:37

deydododatdodontdeydo

It is but you never know they were ok with one another and not suddenly they aren’t and it’s the dp who has the issue with the sister and her bf not the other way round it was merely a suggestion that it could be a possibility.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:37

I literally have no problem with my sister because I can say no if I want to. She just annoys me in general about things like a sister would but not at all with my lo. I'm just saying it from my boyfriends point of view. Sorry I should make that more clear.

OP posts:
Dancingmonkey87 · 08/06/2018 09:37

Your child is a baby and he worried your sister will give her the first fag dear god your dp is a piece of work

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:39

Yeah he does work. He works part time, 4 hours a day. He wants to work full time as he likes the job and wants to bring more money in but the hours aren't there so he is looking to get a second job

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Dancingmonkey87 · 08/06/2018 09:40

He needs to be working full time 4 hours is nothing! Maybe if he was working full time he would have less time to micromanage everyone

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:41

I know this whole thing is hard work. How do I "put him in his place" (that sounds awful but I can't think of how else to say it). How do I say it in a nice but firm way so that he gets it that my family are going to be involved in her life no matter what and he needs to get over it if he wants to be a part of ours

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TheBogWitchIsBack · 08/06/2018 09:41

Jesus Christ. Neither of you will always be there for every single 'first' your child does.
First time at soft play is not a momentous occasion and missing it isn't anything to be upset over.
That must exhausting having to worry about being present at every 'first'.
I think your bf is deliberately trying to make you feel guilty for spending time with your sister by inventing these 'firsts', like first time at soft play, first time in a high chair. These are not things.

Dancingmonkey87 · 08/06/2018 09:42

He either respects your family
Or you leave. Don’t invite him with you when you go round.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:42

I know I just said he wants to work full time so is trying to get another job on top of this one

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Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:43

He has no problem at all me spending time with my sister without him. But it just gets to me when we are all sitting in the garden and he isn't there and they are like oh where is __ and I'm like oh he is at home

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Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:45

It is hard work always thinking is this a first or not? He said to me the other day he will work on it and he doesn't mind one of us not being there for her first as long as one of us are there to see the moment and he would like it if my sister didn't get too involved and let one of us have the first moment then she can do it

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Clubcuts · 08/06/2018 09:46

What @Dancingmonkey87 monkey said!

Also see your sister and family during the hours he's at work? Or is that not allowed?

DistanceCall · 08/06/2018 09:51

He's being a bit obsessive about his child and worrying about silly things, but parents are often like that with their precious firstborns.

1-2 times a week is far too much, to be honest. I would go crazy if I had to see my parents-in-law (or my own parents, for that matter) twice a week. I'm not surprised he feels that your extended family are raising your child.

Perhaps you could try cutting visits back to a couple of times a month and let him know that he needs to relax a bit more when you visit, and see how it goes.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:51

I already said he has no problem me spending time with my sister is just upsets me when we are all there and he isn't and they are asking where he is

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Tambien · 08/06/2018 09:51

First of all, he is NOT your boyfriend. He is your partner and your child’s father.
I think you have moved in from being boyfriend/girlfriend some time ago tbh.

Whilst I wouldn’t have as much issue as he has with the gingerbread, the asking to skin etc..., I think he is making the issue about your family when actually it’s an issue about you and him disagreeing in what can be acceptable or not, when it’s ok to have more flexible boundaries (eg no junk food in our house but if dd has a bit of gingerbread it’s not going to kill her vs no junk food ever).
It feels like he is trying to push you away from your dsis and your family (see all the comments about how she WAS and how it WILL affect your dd as an older child. For all we know, in 10 years time, your dsis might have decided to become vegan and a nun. He can’t decide formyou not to see your dsis because of what she could be later on in life iyswim)
And it also feels like he wants to have his own way. Whatever HE thinks is right should be happening. So my question is, what happens when you really don’t agree with him? Is he happy to compromise? Does he stay stuck in his own ways? Is he becoming PA innhis waynof dealing with the issue?

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:52

They live 20 minutes down the road and alwayssssss want to hang out (when they aren't working) how do I say no...

OP posts:
Clubcuts · 08/06/2018 09:53

Like this

No

Tambien · 08/06/2018 09:53

Xpost

Does he know it upsets you when he isn’t there?
What is his answer to that?

zippey · 08/06/2018 09:54

You make a good point in your first post. I think you need to decide what kind of family you want. The close tight nit or the not so close, like your partners family.

If you go for the tight nit then you have to almost forego the child’s firsts. The child belongs to everyone, and you can’t be so precious. Everyone brings up the child. That’s how it’s done.

If you go for the not so close family, then it’s fine to be so precious.

Your partner sounds too controlling, he needs to relax a bit more. There is no perfect way to bring up a child.

Anony123 · 08/06/2018 09:55

He is good at compromising. He is usually the better one at compromising actually. I'm getting better at it. He is an over worrier for sure I know that. He worries about Everything, it's not only this situation that he worries about. Just this situation is the one that is bothering me

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