Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

You have come such a long way on this thread, op. I think you are an incredibly brave person.

Just keep going, one foot in front of the other ... you will get there.

After just 2 months I would strongly encourage you to ask the priest who married you about grounds for annulment.

Annulment may be a great deal more socially acceptable.

He’s not awful all the time - but of course not, because then it would be easy to leave. He has to show some kindness, just enough to make you stay then he’s cruel again. To quote a MN phrase: A cup of tea made of 10% shit is still a shitty cup of tea’.

I think if you leave again it’ll be different. There will be less ‘What ifs’ because you’ve been back and tried it again, it doesn’t get better. You could have the support of MN this time. Maybe you should look at The Freedom Programme to recognise his abusive ways? It may stop you getting sucked back in and stop you falling for someone similar.

FWIW I think you’re doing really well just processing all of this

Thanks so much ladies. Your messages mean more than you could ever know because I'm feeling quite alone at the moment.

I need to pick myself up now. It's as though this is all I'm thinking about. It all feels like a lie. As the wedding was so recent, people are still congratulating me on it for the first time. Imagine if it was over before certain people even got to congratulate me! I can appreciate there's an element of comedy in that (even though, if you saw my red, blotchy, tear-soaked face today 'comedy' probably wouldn't come to mind!).

It's a little complicated as the priest who married us, is in fact, a relative...He's a nice man but obviously deeply believes in the sanctity of marriage. I've thought of coming clean to him but he is, of course, hugely taken with my H. I'm not quite ready to shatter people's perception of my H. I know it was mentioned that abuse thrives on secrecy but aside from not wanting to be nasty, my H comes from a massive family with connections everywhere around where we live and I don't think it'd be wise for me to be too honest. People mentioned emigrating but I love where I work. I get on so well with them all and I know from previous jobs that that's not always the case...however, I know I may need to move at some point...who knows...there's little to no affection between H and I now. Ever since we got back together, he has treated me terribly. Some of the examples are almost too embarrassing to write about here. Most of them involve complete disregard for my feelings and somehow twisting all of my needs around to make me seem difficult. None of this need be this hard.

The ideal scenario would be if my H wanted to end the marriage too and if we both agreed to get an annulment somehow but I doubt that kite will fly! Even though he admitted in private once that he was verbally abusive (and then, when asked, said an hour later that we have a lot to work on before staring back at the telly!), I don't think he'd be willing to admit that to anyone else. I should never have had a church wedding. I did it for all the wrong reasons...but again, no sense in looking back. I suppose the 'car crash' of all of this is hitting me...

Thanks for all of your messages. I need to scrape myself up now and get things done for the rest of the day. I've been sad and unproductive all day and that's not helping anyone.

You are allowed to be sad and unproductive! You are allowed your feelings - own them and listen to them.

What's stopping you packing a bag and just leaving?

Does your cousin belong to the same religion as your Dad? I have known therapists who belong to certain religions trot out dangerous nonsense about babies bringing you closer together ("if you don't want your husband to hit you, don't make him angry. Bake his favourite pie." is another).

You care an awful lot, way too much in fact, about what other people will think of you. I wonder where that came from? I think you need time alone to think about what you really want. You, not your family, not anyone else.

You can do this, you can navigate your own life. MN is a great source of strength and support.

GreenTulips, I did that years ago. We were going out about two years. He treated me terribly for a few days after we moved house . I went home and met some friends for lunch and told them what happened. They couldn't believe it. When I went back to him, he said angrily, 'you shouldn't have left me like that' and he was angry, not concerned...I have to go to work later on and there's no-one close enough that I could just land on their doorstep...I suppose I could go to a hotel for a few nights! He just rang and I didn't answer. This is all very overwhelming.

Thank you, OddSock. I agree wholeheartedly. MN is a great source of strength and support.

P.S. My cousin isn't religious but was reared Catholic too so I suppose a lot of that thinking seeps in, maybe...I don't know. I regret putting so much faith in her. She hasn't rung me once since all of this started. A few texts. I told her the relationship is in the doldrums! Maybe it's time for me to be less dependent on her anyhow.

Anyone else you can try and talk to? She doesn't sound like she is there for you

You are worried a lot about other people's expectations and feelings. I get it, I grew up in a religious environment too

But where is this getting you right now? You're putting up with a husband who may not abuse you with his fists, but is abusing you with words, actions, disregard, blame. He thrives off making you feel small and does not take care of you like a partner should. He is making you unhappy enough to consider leaving

It's cold comfort to know that people think you have a good marriage or a good husband when he is doing all of this to you

Eventually all the people around you don't matter. You matter, and making yourself happy and not having to tolerate this situation will improve the quality of your life endlessly.

I think he is treating you worse because you came back to him and then married him so he has the message that he can behave as badly as he likes to you and you'll put up with it.

There's probably an element of punishment because you did leave him.

I'm sorry this is overwhelming for you. I understand how that is. Maybe your first step is seeing a therapist, alone. Tbh I think a better first step would be to leave, but you can only take the steps you can manage. Please do get away though, this is crushingly unhappy for you and there is no future prospect of a happier time with him. This is who he is.

OddSock, there's definitely an element of punishment..he has often implied that he rescued me after my landlord suddenly decided to sell and that I owe him for that. I regret giving up my independence. One friend advised me to take it slowly. That I did not.

I found emails from when we first started going out. He's unrecognisable. He was so attentive, perceptive, kind...honestly, I had forgotten and was actually convinced that he's not capable of being that way. I do feel guilty for breaking it off. I always end up feeling sorry for him, which I know is ridiculous since I'm endlessly more unhappy than he is.

Thanks AsleepAllDay. I certainly can't disagree with anything you've written.

I don't know whether you're North South East or West but you could have a chat with your Archbishop, just make an appointment through the secretary. It would be escalated to him anyway and you could just explain that the priest who married you was a relative and it made you uncomfortable to discuss such private business with him.

It would be taken seriously. And people are generally much more sympathetic towards people who have gotten an annulment.

ElspethFlashman...thanks...that's a good idea...I presume the marriage would be annulled on the basis of verbal abuse. I also assume that both parties would have to sign off on something. I'm really not sure if any of that will be possible for obvious reasons.

Annulment had occurred to me before though but the grounds for annulment are fairly difficult to fulfill. I don't know what to do. My H just rang now and we spoke. Since he's in work, he was calm etc. This whole situation is a bloody mess! I'm considering booking in to a hotel for a few nights this week or next week to get some headspace and a break from this house and him. It seems extravagant but it might just do the trick.

Someone said upthread that the relationship was at the point of 'utter collapse' and that feels apt. Gawd this is so sad.

Hmmm Allnames, it's funny because I remember the night I wore that (classy) dress some sleazeball grabbed my bum and H pushed him against a wall and he cut his face...maybe, in hindsight, he didn't want me wearing that dress again! It felt strange at the time...my head hurts from all of this.

I have to point out that a church annulment and a legal one are two separate things.

Apparently its quite difficult to get a legal annulment as you have to prove that he was deliberately concealing his true nature at the time of the wedding.

It's much much easier to divorce.

However if you got a church annulment nobody would give a shit if there was eventually a quiet little divorce in the background.

(Actually they wouldn't even have to know, people would just hear annulment and presume that's the end of it)

Yeah an annulment would be great (there's a sentence I never thought I'd write ).

I'm full of courage etc when on MN but then I go back to my life & it ain't so easy ... but none of this feels right...

What do ye think re thank you cards for the wedding? I was thinking of sending out simple ones soon, ones that don't have our photos on them, of course.

Well you have to do that regardless, so get it over with and tick it off the list. Order one with a generic message thanking people for their thoughtfulness. Covers both presents and money and you just have to sign your names.

I've just read your thread and would like to reiterate what was previously said about getting support from women's aid or similar (in some areas domestic abuse support is run by other agencies).

I suspect there is more control going on than you have identified. What you said about the dress is an absolute classic controlling partners tactic. Instead of telling you not to wear something, they criticise the outfit, or tell you it isn't right until you end up changing your style or the clothes you wear. Often women don't even notice it's happening because it's so subtle.

Some areas have specific counselling for women who have experienced abuse, might be worth looking into it.

It is now recognised in law that abuse isn't just physical.

What was the honeymoon like?

There is a trajectory to your relationship and it doesn't seem a happy one. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. It's likely at some point you will be alone, and it's worth coming to terms with that and making peace with the idea even if it takes time and more counselling.otherwise it's likely you'll spend your life settling for incompatible men at best, abusive ones at worst.