Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

How is everything going today, op?

Hope you're ok @Slundle

Hope you are okay? I think there is a minimum amount of time within which you can end a marriage but you can work towards the goal of ending the marriage. It really is a process that takes time, however short the marriage in my opinion. The first step is getting your husband to realize that you are serious and you think the marriage was not a good idea. You are entitled to feel and say this and you don't actually even have to give a reason. Although you have been married for a short time you have been in a relationship for a long time. I think couple's counselling can work (to end a relationship!) if the counsellor is a good one and allows both partners to speak and listen to each other. Unfortunately getting out of a marriage is much more difficult than getting into one, unless both partners are on the same page which is unusual. It's a bit like having children - it's very easy to have children (for many people) but bringing them up is another matter. Take baby steps each day, each week to disentangle yourself. And chose your friends wisely! Good luck.

Thanks for the messages. I'm fine. Work is crazy busy & we had relatives staying too.

To be honest, I felt I looked like 'the bad guy' when my friends were there. I felt like I was bending over backwards to feed everyone & be nice etc but it still came across like my innocent, sometimes clueless husband was to be pitied! He saved his criticism of me (me drinking too much, me eating too much, me spending too much on food for them etc etc) for when we were in bed at night. It's all fairly low-scale right now. My head feels fuzzy & my heart feels heavy. He bit the head off me today over the tiniest little thing but didn't do that once when relatives were there...

I don't know ... 'slowly disentangle' is good advice which I'm slowly working on.

Thanks

"Slowly disentangle" sounds like a good idea. Keep working on it.

Thanks ...

It's good in theory ... if I wasn't so soft. All it takes is one kind act (towards others granted) for me to think, 'oh wow, he's so nice/good' etc...

I know I can't live my life on a see-saw but it's gotten to the stage where I can't see the wood from the trees!

Keep a note of all the mean things and all the nice things. It only has to be single words or even a code. Track the patterns.

I should have left my first marriage after 2 months as that when my husband stopped talking to me. It took me 2 years to get the courage up. What a waste of those years!

Try drawing up two columns: reasons to stay versus reasons to go. I found seeing it in black and white hflled me make my mind clear.

Thanks a million.

Yeah I've realised why maybe I feel like the villain when H & I are around my relatives. I think it's because I have more courage to say things around other people because I know he won't flip the lid ... although, he came close one day and I made eyes at him. I truly felt embarrassed even though I know that'd at least allow people to see the truth but I'm so used to protecting him, I can't just undo that.

Ok so you have been well trained to protect your abuser. That's the key thing they train you to do. Much helped if your family helpfully trained you on this before the relationship.

Of course you can undo that. Baby steps.

...& I know there's no sense in thinking too much & I also know my relatives are extremely polite so God knows what they're really thinking...I do know they seem to think he's like a lovable verbally clumsy person. One told him to 'just stop' one day. She was half mocking but she told me she thinks he digs a hole for himself. I doubt she'd believe it if she heard the way he speaks to me in private.

Good on you having escaped your first marriage @Firenight. I hope you've been much happier since.

I don't think you would have been embarrassed at his behaviour. I think you would have been embarrassed at them knowing you put up with that behaviour. If he were to flip publicly then you would have to address it instead of brushing it under the carpet.

Hmmm...food for thought...I can't honestly say which it is. All I know is I didn't like who I was around him & other people & I've been looking forward to doing things without him ... but I'm by no means independent of him.

There's so much I wish I could write here but some of it is so personal to my situation that if I did that, I might as well write my name & address here!

Counselling has been a true relief as it's the one place I don't have to screen myself. It's an expensive investment but I know it's an investment.

Thanks to you all...time will tell/heal hopefully ...

I almost cried one day when he kindly offered a friend a favour right in front of me when I was cooking dinner for guests and could really have done with his help. I had to point that out to him in front of his friend. I hate the positions he puts me in. Despite everything you have all said, I am really not sure if he is aware of how much nicer and more helpful and caring he is with other people
Sorry but I'm not convinced he is 'kind and caring' with others. Its another form of abuse and his way of telling you 'everyone else is more important than you'. It looks to me like he can't wait to leave you in the sh*t to run off and help someone else. I suspect its more about hurting you than it is about being helpful to others.

You wont see the woods for the trees because you're still in the woods. Only when you've escaped will you start to make sense of it all.

And you might be surprised what other folk are thinking tbh. Not that it matters.

Thanks for pointing that out @notagain2018. I've written so much & am so focused on work these days that a lot of it is a blur.

That's a good example because the very favour he offered up to his friend is a favour he never offers me even though I need it too ... so often when I'm on MN & I get this opportunity to reflect I feel so bloody angry that I devalued myself enough to think this is the best I can do.

If you heard him last night criticising me ... I won't even get in to the crap he's been involved in & what I could criticise him about but God forbid.

As minor as it might sound to some of you, he's so good with my parents. They love him & he gets on so well with them. Being around them is less stressful when he's there. Maybe I'm justifying it in my mind & maybe I know I've made the wrong decisions & they'll impact my life hugely ... to the point that I may not even have children

Every day you put off the inevitable split is another fertile day you waste. A genuinely good person is most likely out there but you can't meet him because you are clinging to this dead donkey.

I once found myself saying to a partner 'my self esteem must be so low to stay with you'.

This was the very end. Really broke me. Your comment just now reminds me of myself back then.

You do not have to allow him mental and emotional space to hurt you, cause you worry or stress. He is not entitled to any of that. Can you read up about mentally detaching yourself from him? Little by little, zoning him out?

Space allows you room to think about things for yourself. Time helps too.

Everyday you waste with him is a day lost. Especially if you want to have children. You need to start your new life asap.

Children with him will compound the abuse. And be a disaster for any DC. Women's Aid. Freedom Programme. Punting it again.

Yes that's all true ...

I'm in the bathroom on MN while he sleeps soundly! It's ridiculous but in a weird way, the past few days while I was 'forgetting' about the reality were almost easier! Denial, yes ...

H's family are turning in to a bigger issue than I ever imagined before marrying. I was always somewhat aware of their co-dependency but a lot is being expected of me...it's just too much & it's tricky for many reasons. The counsellor said to simply say no but it's really not that simple...

I know people said I should feel angry towards him & my counsellor said the same thing but I genuinely am just so so annoyed at myself for listening to my cousin's (albeit well intentioned) advice. I can truthfully say I never would've gotten back with him if she hadn't suggested it...I know this shows just how much I rely on outside opinion. The decision was mine, not hers. It's not her fault. It just all feeds in to my own frustration & feeling of being trapped. If i weren't married, I'd be looking in to breaking up ... but maybe it took marriage to feel this way.

My soon to be ex was brilliant around my parents. He's a great actor. He said exactly what they wanted to hear and he stoked their egos. They thought he was great - much better than me!.

It's what he is around you that counts.

@Slundle this may be useful!

You aren't the villain. You are not a bad person, full stop. You are not betraying him by wanting to leave. He is not your only option for happiness in this life (and see how unhappy you are!)

He's not always right. He's barely ever right! His opinions and wants and needs are not more important than yours

Put some affirmations about yourself and your life into your phone and read them when you feel down. I know that leaving is hard but think about all the positives:

• you will learn to enforce boundaries and actually maintain them
• you have the eternal chance for good relationships with someone who loves you and is excited to be with you
• you won't have to put up with his family and friends who honestly don't know the real him
• you can be yourself without being snapped at and treated like a misbehaving animal
• you can see what it's like to live alone and be truly independent - take up new hobbies, meet new friends, travel, pursue work opportunities
• maybe one day you will be a parent as you so desire
• you will find yourself free of the toxic people in your family and circle who want you to cling to him
• your self respect and self love will go through the roof

Thanks @AsleepAllDay

That photo about boundaries is excellent...

Thanks for what you've written about not betraying him for wanting to leave. I feel he treats me like an irritant and yet whenever I have suggested breaking up, he vehemently disagrees.

Thanks for the list of positives. I need to dedicate time & effort to positive thinking.

I was at a wedding once where the groom said in his speech that he knew she was the One because he got on so well with her family & friends. That's a good marker. I 'get on' fine with H's family on the face of things yet I'm googling at 2am about demands they're making on me that are stressing me out.

I've decided to stop asking H for any favours where possible. He never offers; so unless I'm really really stuck, I'm not going to ask anymore. I detest that I'm even thinking this way.