Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Quite telling your last remark. Sounds like you have a list of things to bring up, i.e. bad behaviours you have a problem with. You are waiting for correct moments to bring them up but you can't find them.

In a normal relationship you wouldn't have a list. There might be a minor annoyance now and then that you'd discuss almost immediately, decide what to do and move on.

Finding the right time to bring things up isn't the problem. Having a relationship that creates such a list is the problem.

Stop trying to change him. Stop trying to make him understand. Adults who care do that naturally. He doesn't so he isn't. You can't fix that with well timed conversations.

Also, have you considered not giving a shit if he kicks off? Create a plan for not giving a shit next time he kicks off perhaps? How long is it usually before he starts on you again?

@RabbitsAreTasty Yeah that's true all right. I think I have an extreme case of blind optimism....

Yet it's difficult because I was at his family's home tonight (doing them a favour) & it really made me think about how sad/unexpected etc it'd be for them if our marriage broke down. But I'm home alone now & he's spent his evening doing a last minute favour for a family member...even though we had plans...& this isn't even going near the realm of his abuse. This is just him being him.

Not giving a sh*t is a good idea. Do you mean just not reacting or not caring? I suppose the fact that I really do care makes that hard ...

When I was with his family this evening, I just wished that we really were the couple we appeared to be. He was so much nicer to me than he is in private.

As for when he'll kick off next, who knows! It could be this evening, it could be tomorrow or the next day...all depends on how he's feeling ... it has been very frequent (every other day) for a while though.

Stop trying to change him. Stop trying to make him understand. Adults who care do that naturally. He doesn't so he isn't. You can't fix that with well timed conversations.

This is so true & important. Our relationship has been exhausting because of all of this...I just wish I had realised that before I got married. I really really regret that and feel desperately guilty for getting married ... I should've trusted my own intuition & not got swept up in trying to please my parents & cousin & trying to fit in with society. I really am so bloody annoyed at myself for that.

I should've trusted my own intuition & not got swept up in trying to please my parents & cousin & trying to fit in with society. I really am so bloody annoyed at myself for that

You have the power to fix this Slundle

Do you want to look back at your life and still feel full of regret?

You're thinking about how sad and unexpected it would be for his family if you got divorced but why not about how much easier and less abusive life would be for you? Everyone will get over it. His family will probably take his side but from what it sounds like it won't be that much of a loss to you - they raised him after all.

I promise that you are over stating some of the scandalous impact your divorce will have. Everyone else's disappointment isn't your problem & at any rate - life is long & in the scheme of things, it won't matter. H will find a new victim. His family will recover. Your family will find a way to deal with it

Divorce isn't the poisoned cup you seem to think it is. Plenty of people go on to have good and satisfying relationships and families after. It's never easy but plenty of people have brief first marriages. Women who get divorced aren't shunned like they were

The younger you are, the better the chances are of making it out & building a new life. With the counselling & other life changes, you will be able to assemble a new life for yourself that can take you anywhere. You can work through your baggage. You don't have to be in relationships just because they're there. You will know who your real friends and family are

I'm not saying this is going to be easy, but in retrospect you will regret stretching out your time in a doomed relationship that is keeping you stuck in quicksand rather than addressing your issues and pointing your life towards better

Disappointment and gossip never last. Your families will keep on living. They will have other worries and challenges.

He sounds so so much like my ex

The one who tried to kill me on Mother's Day

I think you are brave but you are also fooling yourself in some ways - sorry if this sounds way too harsh

I feel for you
Ps who cares what others think??!! F them

Its a couples world??Whaaaat?? Most of the couples i know are miserable,mutually obligated to each other with kids&mortgages..i get how your 'neediness 'comes into it but recognise you can just please yourself &chose to leave.No-one else is responsible for your happiness so do some crying,some planning&start a new single life..

Hi Slundle - he seems to be always doing others favours - are you sure he is genuinely where he’s meant to be and not having an affair? Or is it that he’s “Mr Nice Guy and Mr accommodating” to everyone else.
These type of men easily let their partners down and creep to everyone else!
Have you looked at the Freedom Programme - you can do it online for £10.
Knowledge is power but it will take you time.
Your spot on when you say you don’t know when he will lose it again as it’s nothing to do with you - any excuse to “kick off” with supposedly the person they love.
Does he kick off with anyone else.? I’d be suprised.
Are you enjoying the sunshine Slundle?
Enjoy your day whatever you do.

Your entire value as a person is not predicated on your not giving trouble to anyone. You don't have to be the Good Girl all the time, no matter what you were told as a child.

Suppose you're a Bad Girl and (shriek, faint) get divorced - if you can't be a good example, be a horrible warning. Be human, make mistakes, get things wrong, scandalise people! Put your wedding dress on and run - I want to say through muddy puddles, but it's the wrong weather, so dust will have to do. Tell the truth about your own life and let the sky fall in.

Thanks for all of the comments.

Tell the truth about your own life and let the sky fall in. I don't want to get in to it but the environment I grew up in was the exact opposite to this. My mother worked so hard at concealing the reality of our home lives that she never once spoke to her own children about it. While I technically don't agree with that, that mindset is still ingrained in me.

As for H and his favours, again I don't want to get in to too much detail but his family are incredibly demanding. It's gotten worse in recent years and certainly since we got back together. One family member, in particular...this same family member has incited rage in H. He comes home fuming with things the person has done, yet he dropped everything last night to help that person out (and does frequently) and abandoned our (albeit loose) plans...this is the thing. H is so good to people. I almost cried one day when he kindly offered a friend a favour right in front of me when I was cooking dinner for guests and could really have done with his help. I had to point that out to him in front of his friend. I hate the positions he puts me in. Despite everything you have all said, I am really not sure if he is aware of how much nicer and more helpful and caring he is with other people.

I can see that I'm moving in the general direction of a divorce but what I can't see is how that'll be a fresh new start or an exciting new beginning for me. I feel suffocated here and if we divorce, it'd make sense to move to another area, yet I know 'the grass is always greener.' The job I have is very good and I know plenty other chefs who don't get to work in such calm conditions...calmness in work is a serious rarity in my line of work! So, if I were to up and leave, I could face having a highly stressful work life as well as home life. Yet by staying, I'd be surrounded by his extended family and friends as we live close to his homeland, not mine.

I told H a while ago that I was unhappy in the marriage and he said, 'no, you're not, you'd be unhappy anyway. You were unhappy when we were apart.' That's the part I'm worried about because he's right. I felt initially very relieved when I left H but as the years went by and I had nothing but more destructive relationships under my belt, I got to feeling very down in myself. I can put on a good show but I really do have a tendency to get down and anxious about all kinds of things. It's not something one therapy session a week will be enough to tackle...

I love your post @bibliomania. It makes me want to pack my bags and just leave...

As for the couples' world, I know...it's not all about couples...it could just be my family and circle! Literally, all of them, except one are coupled off and conversations centre around their husbands, boyfriends or children...it felt quite isolating when I was single and there were zero opportunities to meet men. I did meet men online but they were either just out for sex or seriously not relationship material (one was abusive, one wasn't over his ex and one seemed to be cheating on me). Eventually, it became too stressful to be online dating, so I put my faith in 'the real world' but that never happened and I ended up where I am now.

I know I was given good advice before about starting a new hobby etc. and if I can fit it in with irregular work hours, I will. I just feel myself spiraling down in to a low mood.

I tried to speak to H last night since he was in good form but it didn't work. He did apologise for abandoning our plans for a favour but it's not the first time and won't be the last. The level of co-dependence with his family is incredible and more than I can handle.

I have a feeling that we share a similar kind of background, Slundle, My mother's dedication to not letting anyone know your business knows no bounds (although my dad is and was kinder than yours sounds).

I can't guarantee you that if you leave, you'll end up with someone lovely. The odds are a hell of a lot better if you leave him than if you don't, but yes, you could well be single again. I personally find being single a lot more appealing than being badly treated, but ultimately, you need to work out if that's true for you.

Oh for Pete’s sake, I want to shake some sense into your husband - who on earth responds to their partner saying they want to separate because they are unhappy by saying ‘but you would be unhappy anyway’?!?

Most people would ask what they can do or what you can do together to sort things out!

Although to be fair, my xH said I had a cheek when I told him I wanted to separate from him.

Is it really a case of stay with H to stay in your calm job or move away completely? That seems very black and white thinking - just like ‘you were unhappy before so you will be unhappy again’. Do you really think you have learned nothing since you were last single? Because at the very least you should know that you need to be kind and gentle on yourself and build up your self-esteem and friendships again and NOT go rushing into another relationship.

To what extent were the other relationships buffers against him? I.e if you were in a relationship with someone else, then you were not available to him?

It is also not that you skip out of marriage to a happy, brighter future, but you take time to heal and bit by bit lay the strong foundations for that better future.

You said earlier in the thread that you stood to lose a lot of support if you separated. This made me curious as I cannot see what support you are getting now. It seems to me like you cannot raise issues or concerns, you cannot rely on him for help, and if you argue or he lashes out at you, you are supposed to forget about it and move on.

He is doing a good job of grinding you down so you believe you are nothing without him, I will give him that.

Maybe you would be unhappy anyway if you left. You almost certainly will be for a while, but the difference is that if you leave there is huge potential for happiness. If you stay you will definitely be this miserable or more so for the rest of your life!!

Also can I just say, he knows the exact right thing to say to you. He knows you think this too and so plays on your insecurities.

Still you are bringing things up with him. Why not just let him give you his apology and a bunch of flowers for dropping your plans? That's what a normal man does. He wouldn't though would he? You are expected to suck it up and so you feel you have to force his apology. That's no way to live.

Rages every other day! Goodness. I expected you to say every few weeks. I guess he knows now he has put a ring on you that you will let him do absolutely anything. He's ramping it up to see how much abuse you will take, which is a lot apparently. I wonder how far he will go.

Why did you go with him to family? Why didn't you go off and do something else? Especially as you then pretended nothing was wrong in front of his family.

If you don't leave, the possibility of happiness and peace in your life will never exist. You will choose being unhappy forever because he will not change. You will probably have kids & be tied to him permanently in a way you won't if you divorce before them.

Even the 'possibility' of happiness and better relationships in the future is more than what you have now. None of these things are guaranteed but at least without him there is a fighting chance. And after him will always be different because unlike previously, you have perspective and understanding and are going through counselling. You're not the person who came back to him and got married. You've changed

If you can't pick up a hobby, is there anything more portable you can try? Crafts, like crochet or knitting? Reading more books? Are there qualifications you can get that will help in your career?

People keep suggesting the freedom programme and I recommend you do it sooner rather than later

H is doing a really good job in gaslighting you - saying 'you were unhappy when we were apart' denies the reality of your feelings completely. Him dropping plans is incredibly insensitive - he can't bring himself to put you first, ever

And I don't want to deny your unhappiness and how hard it can be in the future to move on when this ends and you're alone, but your future will be open to possibilities in a way your life will never be if you stay. Yes it will be tough to start over but YOU will be in charge of your life. You will not be disrespected every day. You will be free to try new things & have better relationships. You will be alive again, in a way you can't be in this soul destroying arrangement

I would cut you losses and bail out now. Say you want a trial separation and take it from there. It's much easier to get divorced after a short marriage. He does sound quite abusive - even if it's more the passive-aggressive type of abuse. You've tried and tried with this relationship and unfortunately marriage is not a band-aid at all.

It isn't really a couples' world and I do agree with some of the posters up-thread who note that many people in relationships, including married people, are not particularly happy in them. I hate to be gloomy and I am coming out of a long and difficult divorce but I can hardly think of any married couples I know who are that happy together. I can think of one or two, but they are in a minority. However, now I know how difficult, expensive and emotionally draining a divorce is, I can completely understand why people in long-term marriages, which can take an age to unravel, just can't be bothered to go through with a divorce and stick with the status-quo.

I think it takes about a month for each year you were together to unravel a relationship, at the very least. Maybe you could set aside the next year or so to extricating yourself from this relationship and working on yourself and what you really want?

I think it is very undermining of your partner to state that you would be unhappy without him. How does he know? There were some red flags around my relationship with my soon to be ex that I ignored when we got married. All the things that I didn't like but chose to ignore not only didn't go away but got bigger and bigger. To the point where I just couldn't bear it any more. Luckily this point coincided - almost - with our children growing up and leaving home. It was still really tough, especially for the youngest, but I think they can now see that we are two very different people.

Soon to be ex was using the children, even after they were grown up, to keep me in the relationship. It got to the point where I couldn't bear it any more. He just would not give me any independence or space at all.

I would also really recommend counselling and joining support groups. As others have said, it really helps to build up your self-confidence and self-esteem. Couple's counselling is a disaster with anyone with abusive tendencies. I had a few sessions and it was just awful and I hated every moment.

" You will not be disrespected every day."

Just read the post above mine and it's excellent especially this comment.

I am really not sure if he is aware of how much nicer and more helpful and caring he is with other people.

Of course he is aware of it. He is trying to impress them. He wants to see them liking him. He also wants to make it more difficult for you to complain abut him to anyone you know - the person they know is the man who would drop everything for friends, family, neighbours...
The man who brutally murdered his wife and sons in Cavan in Ireland a little while back was exactly the same. Everybody in the community said he would do anything for anyone. Different story behind closed doors of course.

He doesn't care about impressing you. You are the wallpaper as far as he is concerned.

I told H a while ago that I was unhappy in the marriage and he said, 'no, you're not, you'd be unhappy anyway. You were unhappy when we were apart.' That's the part I'm worried about because he's right.
The part I am worried about there is that he is playing with you. Have you ever seen a cat play with a mouse? He is watching you limp away, lying in wait and hoping to keep the game going when you peek your head out to try to talk to him yet again about something important to you.

These conversations end up with you getting stonewalled or going around in circles or you feeling you need to apologise because he has chosen to go on the attack - all cat and mouse. The topic you bring up is never addressed because he is enjoying this game and you keep on engaging with it.

I felt initially very relieved when I left H but as the years went by and I had nothing but more destructive relationships under my belt, I got to feeling very down in myself. I can put on a good show but I really do have a tendency to get down and anxious about all kinds of things. It's not something one therapy session a week will be enough to tackle...
Maybe commit to something different this time round. Therapy that will address the legacy of childhood abuse, followed by your relationship history.

Address the anxiety and low mood - see a doctor. There may be something you could take to alleviate anxiety.

Find some way to keep the low mood at bay - watercolour painting, yoga, biking, a quilting bee. A pet you can devote yourself to. Mentoring teens keen on a career in the restaurant business...

The difference between being unhappy while married to your H and being unhappy while single is that while single you have the possibility of changing your life and becoming happy.

With H you are always going to be stuck with someone who couldn't care less whether you are happy or not, and no amount of effort on your part is going to change your life as long as you are married to someone who delights in inflicting pain on you, hurting you and disappointing you.

Seconding everything the other posters have said. @Slundle your marriage is like death by a thousand cuts. It's so slow and painful until there is a point where you can't take it any more.

There are plenty of men who think that because they're not backhanding their missus, they can't be abusive. H cares more about everyone's opinion of him and himself than he does about you.

You were sad when you broke up and had some unhealthy relationships but it WILL be different this time. With counselling and your own space you will finally be able to live in peace, without someone constantly pushing you down, getting angry at you, blaming you, ranting, denying your feelings, not taking care of you.

There will be silence that you can fill with things that mean something to you: positivity, work, kindness, new friends. Self esteem. Growing confidence, hope. Being in charge of your life and your schedule. Independence. Contentment. Being relaxed and level headed. Putting yourself first. Another dog who will love you unconditionally. Self care. Compassion and empathy

All of these things are missing from your life right now

There are two sports I can do well now which I could not do six years ago (before we separated) and I would not have had time to do when we were married (he made sure all my time was accounted for one way or the other). One of the spurs to leave was thinking that I wanted to visit a certain part of the world and if I stayed married, I would never be able to do that - at least, if we did, he would plan the trip to death and I would not enjoy it.

Unfortunately legal fees have bankrupted me for the moment, so my travels are a way off, but there are other things to do.

Your desire to be yourself is not burning strong enough to get you out the door, but it is there - it is that little flame inside you that knows his behaviour is wrong, that you are unhappy, and made you post here. Nurture that flame, be conscious of it, because it is that spirit of life in you which will get you to a better place.

What you are running through in your head - anger at yourself, fear of being lonely, guilt at what people might think if they knew the truth, blame - these are all limiting beliefs. And the point about a belief is that it feels real, but it is not necessarily true, and/or it can be changed.

Anger at yourself can be changed to compassion for the girl who grew up in an abusive household and the woman who had no template for a healthy relationship. Who tried so many times to get on her own feet but did not have the right support and boundaries (because of her upbringing) and fell into the hands of unscrupulous men.

Fear of being lonely can be replaced by the belief that the world offers many possibilities, not all of which -indeed, few of which- depend on being in a relationship. It can be replaced by the commitment to targeted therapy to heal from domestic abuse.

Fear of not having children - which is the unspoken one here, I think - can be replaced by a realistic exploration of the options as to what you can offer children already in the world; or acceptance that your mental health and well-being is the most important thing and what will be will be, the future may or may not hold children for you. Having DC gives xH a huge amount of leverage to keep pulling me into court and mediation because he does not accept DC boundaries either.

I know you have said TTC is on hold, but there must be an element of fear that if it does not come off hold, and you leave H, then the chance of DC also goes, or at least gets smaller. (The other thing is that your desire for DC is something your H can use, for example above in the thread where he started talking about future children just after you raised the fact that he was abusive)

The belief that others will judge if you leave the marriage or that you are letting them down. This is easily changed by accepting that you are not responsible for others’ emotions. And really, most people will get on with their own lives because that is what pre-occupies them day to day.

I cannot remember the point I was trying to make when I started, sorry.

Watch out for family members and so-called friends who might be invested in your relationship. One of the most astonishing things to come out of the divorce process was that so many people appeared to be emotionally invested in my marriage. My family, his family and far too many so -called friends. Of course it's mostly projection but it is also because a lot of people are are afraid of change; are unhappy in their own relationships but won't face the real problems and also some people don't want to see other people grow and change. They want to put people in boxes and restrict their freedom.

I was truly shocked by how much resistance was put up by members of my family and also members of his. And I now realize how much pressure I have always been under by members of his family to tow the line. The male members of his family all treat the women they are involved with poorly. His father set the example here by treating his wife like a dogsbody. He was highly narcissistic in my opinion. My father was the same and my mother allowed him to treat her badly as well as neglecting me and my siblings. She was hugely co-dependent.

Because soon to be ex is the faithful type (as far as I am aware!) I thought I was marrying someone quite different to my father. But actually there are many similarities. They are both impulsive and make poor decisions financially. I also don't think they are particularly good judges of character.

What you have written about your husband treating other people better than you has really struck a chord. At various point in time I have been the family scapegoat (especially when going through the divorce) and soon to be ex has always valued other people's opinions and judgements more than my own.

While it is hugely insulting I suppose that what it really indicated is that they don't value their own judgements and that is simply mirrored onto their other halve's (I do dislike that expression!)

I recently finished a long spell of counselling and soon to be ex asked me (for the first time!) about it. However before I had even opened my mouth he then made a statement about what he thought the counsellor would do or say. It made me realize he hasn't got a bloody clue and he misjudges situations and people.

An expression of his contempt for me is the endless holidays he goes on (often with his brother who is very similar to him) yet he professes to be completely (broke) as does his brother and as recently as a few months ago was desperate to get me or my family to pay off his VAT bills and other debts.

Even this week, as I've been slaving away over the bnb changeovers, he has been talking about jetting off to see the World Cup with his brother. As he said this I could see a sly look come over his face. He feels completely entitled to jet around the world and have me washing and ironing sheets and paying his VAT bills.

Thank God - divorce and house sale should go through soon. Onwards and upwards. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to get support networks around you. The most unlikely people may end up being you allies while family and friends while well-meaning (sometimes!) can be disappointing unsupportive or downright unhelpful and mean.

Having DC gives xH a huge amount of leverage to keep pulling me into court and mediation because he does not accept DC boundaries either.

I know the words to that song very well, KataraJean.

Having children with someone like this, in a relationship that stumbles from one incident to another, is a recipe for disaster for the children as well as for you, Slundle.