Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Thanks for the advice re sister. You're right. I guess I'd really be doing it out of hope she could help us but that's not right & shouldn't be necessary.

Thanks for sharing Mary1935. That must have been very tough.

I'm feeling quite sad & down at the reality of it all. The more time that passes, the more yucky memories comes back.

*come back

I feel for you I really do

Gosh - pulling duvet off the bed - my ex did this so many times
Horrible feeling

Keep posting I think you are incredibly brave - do not tolerate any more nonsense you deserve much better than that

Sadly it will be painful whatever happens - if you stay it won’t get better and could get worse - and if you do go it will hurt.
I’ve been thinking about my situation - I think I suffered from “trauma bonding” - have a look when you can.
It was really really hard to call the police on him - I didn’t want to do it - he had moved out 6 months early and we where getting on well (with hindsight we hadn’t actually sorted anything) but I let him move back in but within 4 weeks he “lost it” and grabbed my hair and “made me apologise to him for something I’d said or done”
It will take time Slundle - I also did The Freedom Programme and read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. It all helps - your eyes will be opened slowly and you can go at your own pace.
The reality of facing the reality can make you feel sick and anxious - it did me.
I too had no hobbies - it will help to get out of the house and have a different perspective. He will be nice to you - that’s part of the cycle .
🌺

Thanks. I read this and it rings true on all counts:
www.google.ie/amp/s/amp.uk.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8

Yeah the duvet one comes back to me as it was done with such anger. I'm almost immune to the shouting now. He's like an angel tonight. It's weird as I'm so obviously down but he's had a good day.

Just wanted to say you're doing well, keep going.

I also agree not to speak to his sister until after you've left. I wouldn't be concerned about him feeling betrayed, I would be concerned about him kicking off and making moves to stop you leaving. (I also don't think he'd see it as betrayal, so much as defiance or disobedience.)

He's not abusing you by accident, but by design. That's why he has no interest in stopping. If you had any doubts that this is how he wants it to be, his choice of reaction to you pointing it out to him that he is abusing you should settle it.

Any normal person who cared about you would be horrified to learn that their behaviour had inadvertently been abusive. Yet your H is not fazed by it, because it's intentional and he believes he is entitled to abuse you.

Have you ever noticed himself slowly winding himself up before he kicks off at you? Going off into his zone, not talking to you, muttering to himself (eg about how hard done by he is, how many times he's told you, how nobody else would put up with this, that kind of thing), getting more worked up, maybe drinking, and then finally unleashing it all?

But the main point of me posting was to remark on how well you're doing, so I will end with that again. From where I'm sitting you seem to be making significant strides forward. It takes great courage to start to face and address something like this. You're doing great.

Re the yucky memories coming back.

It sucks. But it's a good sign in a way: you need to be able to put all the pieces together of your history with him. The full story of all that's gone on so to speak. Your brain is working its little socks off trying to help you make sense of all the new information you've been gathering, your observations, these thoughts and feelings you've been having, and gone off to retrieve memories that will help you with that process. These memories are coming up for a reason - to help you. Your brain considers them the missing pieces in the jigsaw puzzle you're currently assembling.

Once your brain has processed them and filed them away in order, you will be able to live in the present and move forward without them causing you so much pain.

I'm sorry you've had a rough day. It's not weird he doesn't care, it's all too predictable. He just doesn't care at all about you, does he? It must feel really sad to see that though. Be kind to yourself tonight if you can.

Thanks Gruffalina72. I really appreciate that as I'm feeling worn down!

To answer your question, H tends to blow up quite quickly ... there is usually a rant before the loudest point all right though.

Thanks again ... just saw your next message. It's so strange to me. If I saw him with even a tinge of sadness, I'd be concerned & feeling it too. Anyhow, yeah my brain is jaded! You are all such gems. Thank you so much.

Ah, so you're not allowed emotions of your own. You have to feel what he is feeling. If you'd had a great day but he'd had a shit one, you'd have to feel down?

That's not normal.

Take your emotions back. You feel the way you feel. That's not something you have to justify or feel guilty for.

Only a short message just now - put the yucky memories in your (private) journal, so they do not churn round in your head. Gruffalina is right that it is your brain working to make sense of things, but also you will have ‘forgotten’ the yucky memories as a means of coping. You don’t or did not think about his bad behaviour when he was being nice before, because you were focused on thinking either you were the cause of the bad behaviour or trying to make things all okay so he did not kick off again. Hence, the journal will help you integrate all your memories.

It is also true that therapy can bring up bad memories, and this is also necessary to integrate them into your past and heal (move on) from them. I found when I left finally, I went through a horrible phase of the worst stuff coming back to me. Be gentle on yourself.

(Bad behaviour is an understatement)

If you don’t have a journal, go to a nice stationery shop like Paperchase and treat yourself to something in a style you like and a nice pen to go with it. And I agree with the above poster, keep it at work. Use it also to reflect on the positive steps you are taking for yourself.

Re your cousin, I think sometimes family members can give the worst advice because they’re too invested. My dad is the worst person for me to go to with any kind of problem, because he just goes into panic mode at the thought of everything not being 100% ‘sorted’ for all his kids and as a result he tends to be very dismissive. I had a lot of upheaval career-wise a few years ago, and now if I make even the tiniest remark about my job not being 100% perfect he’ll start saying things like ‘don’t quit your job, your job is great, you should definitely stay there’ even when I haven’t remotely mentioned quitting. It’s like he needs be to be absolutely 100% settled in my job or he can’t deal with it.

I wonder if it’s sort of the same with your cousin. She has seen you and your husband being off and on a few times over the years, and now that you’re finally married maybe she ‘needs’ you to be OK because it’s easiest for her brain to deal with? I’m not sure I’m expressing it very well but I think sometime people need to put others into little boxes in their heads, and now you’re in her ‘married, settled, sorted’ box she can’t consider the idea that you might not belong in there. So whenever you talk to her about it she’s just sort of in denial and willing everything to be ok. Does that make sense?

I’ve been married 12years and with my hubby for 15in total.

The first six months we argued non stop

I have to be honest marriage is hard but in your heart only you can answer this one

I have days when I love my husband to bits and then days I’m so fed up with this or that

But we get through

That’s just us

Everyone is different

I’d maybe see if things change in the next few months As it does take time to adjust to married life

If it doesn’t then you’ve given it your best shot

That’s all you can do

Hope it all works out for you xxx

Have you read the thread @Mummy19802b ?? This isn't just arguing, her husband is regularly blowing up at her, takes her plate away when he says she's had enough, pulls the duvet off her, yells at her for blow drying her hair & says that he hates evenings with her

Honestly there should be a reading comprehension test before people are allowed to post. Jeez

Hello @AsleepAllDay , I don’t think it’s a reading comprehension test I need ,clearly just a lot of spare time on my hands which I obviously don’t have because I didn’t read all 500 odd comments just the writers first post... I didn’t realise you have to read Everyone’s post before you post yourself... Apologies my mistake 😉

Slundle lots of good advice here and lots to take in. You are starting to see things for what they really are, and obviously that's something of a shock.

What is happening in your relationship is not normal. But you know that.
He's never going to change. I'm not sure you're convinced of that.
You need to leave, or he needs to. You're working toward taking that in.

It's not going to be easy. It sounds like a tight-knit community with more of his 'supporters' than yours but ultimately, it really really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Hopefully it'll never come to the day when he "snaps" properly and lashes out at you. People will then start saying 'Oh yes, he has a temper.' What next? Stay and hope it'll calm down again? Wait until he harms you?
You keep saying he won't but I'm not sure. Now you're standing up for yourself, and the scales are starting to fall from your eyes, he is going to feel a need to take back control.

I noticed that earlier you mentioned about the marriage and taking vows. That's the wedding. You make vows to each other. Is he keeping his? Honestly?
Marriage is the life together afterwards.

I can't think of any very good analogies to give you for your situation but if you lived in a house where the roof kept leaking and the windows let in draughts, and every time you tried to fix it they were okay for a few weeks but then broke again, would you stay and hope the problem would resolve itself, or would you look for better accommodation?

@Mummy19802b the problem is that you missed a lot of context! So your well meaning advice seems inappropriate in an abusive situation...

Yes fair point 😊

I didn’t realise you have to read Everyone’s post before you post yourself... Apologies my mistake

Not everyone’s post but you could read the OP’s or, if you really don’t have time, at least read the last page or two before you post. It’s basic manners, surely. And because you couldn’t be bothered to read, you’ve just told the OP to ‘give it her best shot’ and wait a few more months with an abusive husband. It’s not a time for jokey winky emojis. The advice you’re giving could be seriously dangerous.

I'm going to give you an example of a reasonable person. Last night our bedroom was hot and when I went to bed he'd thrown the duvet cover off, when it's hot we put the empty cover over us and I then put the duvet on top of me. Last night it cooled down and he wanted the cover but I'd wrapped myself in it.

When he came down this morning he said he wasn't happy with me because I'd stolen the cover and he was cold. I told him he could have pulled it off me but he said he couldn't because he'd have to have woken me up.

Think what your DH would have done in a similar situation , now is you relationship based on love and respect.?

@goose1964 have had this same convo with my ex! He's a bit of a duvet hog & would say I should snatch it back but I'd be mid sleep & also wouldn't want to wake him

Just the idea of pulling the duvet off someone as we sleep is a tiny but glaring rudeness. Your partner's comfort should matter to you

My ex would get annoyed with me for being a duvet hog but it’s something that you genuinely can’t help if you’re just moving around in your sleep I would never steal it from him on purpose!

I was awake when he pulled the duvet off me & he did it in anger, not because he wanted the duvet but just to deprive me of warmth. He was full of rage that night. I said it to him that it wasn't right the next day but I don't remember much of a response. Maybe the usual 'sorry' that isn't said with any feeling or meaning.

Your hubby sounds lovely being that considerate & actually going cold instead of waking you! Wow!

As for my cousin, that's spot on. She sounds scared that we might break up. As she was almost like a mother to me growing back up, she worries. I think she thought she could stop worrying when we got married & can't believe how bad things are now. I had to give her very specific examples for her to 'get it.' She gets it now and might I add her husband is the calmest, gentle soul imaginable. He isn't a doormat but she certainly doesn't have any clue what my situation is like from her experience with him.

As H is in good form, I think he expects me to just go along with it now...until the next time I pi** him off! This is fighting talk but when I'm around him, or anyone for that matter, I can't stay cross or unpleasant!

I'm going to get a nice journal. I kept them in the past but always threw them out.

As for my emotions, it's true. Yet another area for development: owning my own feelings. Crazy as it sounds, when he's in good form, I'm almost afraid to bring him down as then he'll blame me for making him feel bad. He doesn't respond well to anything being brought up.