Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

@KataraJean Thank you very much. I'm reading a meditation book at the moment because I do need to learn more about it and I think it could help. Those ones you mentioned sound very good.

You've nailed it with this idea of shifting focus back on to myself. That's precisely my problem. It's as though I feel his emotions as well as my own. That's what makes it so hard to ever end it or stay away. Meditation is probably a very effective way of trying to change patterns in the mind ... but I think it could take a bit of time to do that! Thank you.

It will take time.

If you have an iPhone (and you can probably get it for Android phones as well) there is an app called Mindfulness where you can access many guided meditations. It costs £44 annually but is very worth it. The meditations I am talking about are done by Rick Hanson, but there are also great ones by Tara Brach and others, as well as basic practices focusing on the breath.

Basic practices focusing on the breath helped me stay calm when I was still married and H was trying to escalate things to a row. I suffered panic attacks for a good while after I left, so I had to get a handle on these too. But I should say it is only having no unnecessary contact with him at all which has reduced my anxiety to almost nothing.

Some of the meditations are about accessing your higher wisdom, how you should react in certain situations or problems in your life. Others are about acceptance - which brings me to an important point. No meditation teacher I am aware of would apply acceptance to an abusive situation. You are not being held in your marriage by law, you are not under house arrest, there are ways of leaving. Where acceptance may be necessary, is accepting that you are going to feel terrible when you finally do end the marriage, but if you are practiced in meditation, you will also notice that the flowers are amazing colours, how the breeze feels on your face, what the sky looks like, all the different tastes of your food, and you will know that by meditating and focusing on what is around you (not your H’s feelings), you can stop the churning in your head. Do not take the mantra of acceptance as you must stay; no, it means that life brings negative feelings as well as positive ones, they are all part of the whole. But by learning to look at the entire horizon, it is easier to keep things in perspective.

Imagine a world where, when you go for a walk, you notice your surroundings, and you are not churning over what to do about H? How peaceful and amazing that would be.

I was listening to a talk by Tara Brach last night on a podcast (they are free on her website). She was talking about a possibly apocryphal tale where Houdini could not break out of a locked cell, he said he had never seen a lock like it. The person who had done the cell for the performance said actually, it was unlocked. In other words, Houdini thought he was locked in, so his mind did not go to the possibility that the door was open.

If you remove the guilt you feel to H, the shame you feel about ending your marriage, the fear of how H will react, the fear of loneliness and the anger at yourself, your door is open too. The problem is that you are never going to be able to fully remove them, you may lessen them or realise they are false; the trick is to realise they are just feelings, they do not define you, and that the bad feelings when you walk out that open door do not define you, and are not the totality of your life. The lock is created in your mind after years of abuse and social conditioning, but if you packed your bags and moved to a rental property, there is no police officer, law enforcement agency or civil in the land which could stop you.

This is long, sorry. My xH did something last week, which even my solicitor who is very experienced, was about. It keeps coming back into my head, because it has no sense to it and I cannot work it out. But my solicitor has said nope, no grounds in law, he won’t get anywhere with this. The point is, it does not stop him trying and at this point, the only explanation I can think of is that he wants inside my head at a point where I have closed down all other possible means for him to do this. But if I think about it too much beyond instructing my solicitor, it is me who is letting him in.

*civil court

Wow KataraJean. That's amazing. Thank you for that post. It's like an advertisement for meditation. That's exactly how I feel: thoughts churning around my head all the time. I don't want to live like this. I can't imagine being able to achieve what you write about but I'm going to continue to read this meditation book & I'll download the app too.

I'm sorry to hear your ex has been behaving badly. That's very hard. It sounds like you've reached a point of calmness though & he doesn't have the ability to bother you like before.

I'm confused as ever! I had a great session yesterday but last night H was lovely and again today. It's awful that a part of me wonders if that's because he was worried what was going on in therapy...anyhow, one thing I need to do is focus on how I feel and not on analysing him. It's been said here, in therapy and I know that in my heart now. H said last night how annoyed he was that I suggested abuse before. I think he wants me to take it back. Random things have come out in counselling that I haven't mentioned here. Things I didn't give much thought to and yet they've been the greatest signifiers of abuse. The biggest signifier seems to be fear. I know I sound crazy because I've been told this before but I live with him and I'm attached to him and I'm the kind of person who gets very attached to people and empathises deeply. So this is a struggle...I have made some progress though but I'm worried. I really am worried. I know on paper it's so blinking obvious: just get out! But I really care about him as much, if not more, than myself...I have a lot to work on.

I do really appreciate all the thoughts & advice I've got on here. Even some of the more harsh words by people who can't understand anyone who'd put up with this have helped in their own way. It's amazed me how many people could relate and had such similar experiences. I'm planning on opening up to a friend at some point too to break the silence and hopefully that'll help. Thank you. One foot in front of the other, as someone kindly wrote upthread.

P.S. @KataraJean Thank you for the Tara Brach recommendation. I'm going to look her up.

"I'm confused as ever! I had a great session yesterday but last night H was lovely and again today"

That is all part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse from him; currently he is in the nice bit. It won't last from him. He may also sense from you that you are pulling away from him. He being nice to you now is a weapon in his arsenal to bring you back under his control. You're the ideal foil for him really because you are both empathetic and codependent.

I maintain that it is only when you are completely free of him will you perhaps realise the extent of the abuse he has subjected you to for just over a decade. I sincerely hope that you do manage to break free of him.

No one is disputing that he can be lovely sometimes. If you look at the cold hard facts, is it enough? You know he will be lovely sometimes, nasty sometimes and hard to live with sometimes. Are you prepared to accept that forever?

Or think about your feelings. Sometimes you feel ok but lonely, sometimes extremely anxious and sometimes deeply upset. (Obviously choose your own words). Are you ok with that forever?

But I really care about him as much, if not more, than myself
If you can only work on one thing, work on this.

When you find yourself wondering about him and how he feels, try to divert onto yourself.

Maybe you should have a mantra to repeat to yourself, like He is a grown man, if he is interested in changing any of his behaviours he can sort it out himself. I am not his therapist. I am not qualified. I've got enough on my plate sorting out my own issues.

Have you noticed that people with major issues themselves often seem to spend an awful lot of energy trying to "fix" other people?

In my experience this fixing takes no account of what the other person wants, person A has decided what person B should be and sets about trying to understand why person B is not conforming then using various tactics to change their personality.

I suspect this is because it feels more comfortable to fix someone else than to fix yourself. Of course the codependent martyr ends up frustrated and feels desperately unappreciated, which doesn't help anyone.

From everything you have posted, the nice periods never last and are just that - periods, moments, episodes, filling in a sandwich of nastiness. I know it's hard to believe but there are people out there who have partners who are nice all the time! Always lovely. No ones perfect so moods change and they can get irritable, angry etc, but not just a swinging pendulum between nasty and nice

It's not worth it. It's not healthy. H in his lovely moments isn't worth all of this because then he turns on you like as though you're an enemy and not his wife

Plus he is guaranteed to never spend as much time thinking about your moods, feelings & general well-being as you are. While you're eating your heart out about him he's focused on number one and always will

Random question (I will write a proper post later) - does your H lose his temper and shout at the dog?

Thanks to you all.

^It's not worth it. It's not healthy. H in his lovely moments isn't worth all of this because then he turns on you like as though you're an enemy and not his wife

Plus he is guaranteed to never spend as much time thinking about your moods, feelings & general well-being as you are. While you're eating your heart out about him he's focused on number one and always will^

The quotation above is so true, it hurts. He became lovely last night. I forgot that he wasn't when I tried to bring up that work issue he has that he's been ignoring and which has finally turned out badly, as I predicted. He didn't appreciate my bringing that up at all. Anyhow, he was affectionate last night but I couldn't reciprocate. Even though I actually can't bring myself to be intimate with him, I still can't bring myself to remove myself from this house, our amazing, beautiful dog and him.

On the topic of the dog (welling up just imagining having to leave him again), H never loses his temper with the dog, even when he barks in the middle of the night. However, if the dog does something 'bold,' his method of dealing with it would be much harsher than mine and he would shout. Hilariously, I think he has much more empathy for the dog than me. The dog, in so many ways, is the glue that keeps our relationship together.

As for the question, can I deal with this forever?, I think no is the answer to that. I really can't. I find him just too difficult. I heard myself crying and using the line, 'why is everything such a battle with you?' one day when I was asking him a simple question.

Yet, I grew up with my F and I can tell you that H is a malleable pussycat by comparison. I remember one year, on my DM's birthday of all days, he kicked off at her and she looked at me crying and said, 'what can I do only ignore him?' I remember feeling so sad and angry. I remember thinking, 'you could have left him a long time ago, that's what you could've done.' H is very different to my F. They have tempers in common but H is kinder, less stubborn, less neurotic and less selfish. Anyhow, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not trying to say that my F is so much worse than my H, so therefore I should put up with my H...just as I wrote this I remembered when he angrily pulled the duvet off me and hit the bed. How can I make love to a man who does that to me? He hurts me and yet, whenever I try to leave, I end up feeling guilty for hurting him.

I'm just not sure how to take a giant leap in to the unknown. I don't hate my H, even when he's horrible to me. Some of his behaviour is just so wrong and I know that. I texted him today with a simple request and I actually felt nervous that he'd be angry/impatient. He wasn't but I know I shouldn't feel angry asking simple questions about the house. I'm terrified that my radar's off now and that I could end up in another abusive relationship even I do ever get the courage to leave H. I also worry, even though rationally I know this isn't true, that I really must be so difficult to be in a relationship and that I'll drive any man to this.

Okay, I better stop writing. I know what I need to do. I need to:

1. Write and keep a diary of H's behaviour, my feelings and the Cycle of Abuse.
2. Continue to never, ever shout back or be aggressive towards him when he kicks off.
3. Reach out to a friend to drop the mask.
4. Stop constantly pretending I'm high on life when I'm not.
5. Pursue interests for myself and make a concerted effort, no matter how hard it is, to have my own life outside of him.
6. Save money for 'when the scales fall off' as a PP put it.

Those 6 steps seem like a lot and if I even did that much right now, I'd be doing well. Just getting through the days is enough!

I get on well with H's sister and I'm considering confiding in her about his verbal abuse. I'm pretty sure she won't dispute it. She loves him dearly and they're very close but she called him controlling once or twice in front of me (about his behaviour towards me) and I think she knows he hasn't always treated me well. I think it might help but then I'm afraid if she tells him what I said, he'll feel betrayed. I'm just genuinely worried about leaving and looking awful to his family. At least if they have some idea why, it could help...

**Correction. shouldn't feel nervous asking simple questions about the house.

I don't know the ins and outs of your wedding, but could it be wedding blues. I know that sounds stupid, but I suffered terribly from it, all the excitement and anticipation of the big day, every day occupied with I'm about to have my dream day and all the organisation and suddenly afterwards I felt like I had a big gap, my dream day had happened and maybe did go quite as perfectly as I would have wanted. A year down the road and my husband is the best man I know and I feel very lucky to be married to him. I know quite a few marriages that have ended in the first year. Maybe people think after the marriage things will be different or they get complacent but I would definitely try marriage counselling with a different counsellor as you must have loved this man enough 2 months ago to want to spend the rest of your life with him. On the other hand if he is physically or emotionally abusing you and you felt pressured into marrying him you should definitely leave and find someone who knows your worth. I hope you figure it all out xxx

Thanks @Olive1988. I really don't know what I was thinking when I married him. I got caught up in planning and allowed myself to 'forget' the reality of the relationship. My cousin, who is almost like a mother to me, convinced me that having a baby together would bring us closer together (because our dog really does) and I didn't want to have a baby out of wedlock (because my parents, father in particular, wouldn't approve) so I powered through trying to buy in to the dream of 2.5 children and the happy home.

Do you mind my asking what made the first year of your marriage difficult? Was there any aggression etc?

@Olive1988 A year down the road and my husband is the best man I know and I feel very lucky to be married to him.

You're very lucky to feel this way. Sadly, I have never once felt this about my H.

Olive

What OP writes of here is unfortunately not a case of wedding day blues. Its a long thread but if you do sit and read it, that will become apparent. Her now H is abusive and has been so throughout their relationship

Re your comment Slundle:-

"I need to:

1. Write and keep a diary of H's behaviour, my feelings and the Cycle of Abuse.
2. Continue to never, ever shout back or be aggressive towards him when he kicks off.
3. Reach out to a friend to drop the mask.
4. Stop constantly pretending I'm high on life when I'm not.
5. Pursue interests for myself and make a concerted effort, no matter how hard it is, to have my own life outside of him.
6. Save money for 'when the scales fall off' as a PP put it"

Yes do this but re point 1 NEVER let him find your diary, I would keep that in your workplace and not anywhere within your household.

Saving money also takes time and that is something you really do not have the luxury of. Its also really not worth staying because of the dog either. The dog should not be the glue here to bind you and this man together.

You are indeed highly empathetic and codependent; two qualities that made you absolutely ideal for someone like your H to get his teeth into. He saw those within you years ago and targeted you accordingly.

Slundle

"My cousin, who is almost like a mother to me, convinced me that having a baby together would bring us closer together (because our dog really does) and I didn't want to have a baby out of wedlock (because my parents, father in particular, wouldn't approve) so I powered through trying to buy in to the dream of 2.5 children and the happy home".

I sincerely hope that you no longer agree with your cousin's above viewpoint which was also discussed at great length earlier on in this thread of yours. Is this woman still a therapist btw?.

The best thing you can do is leave for both your sakes. If you stay you will be unbearably unhappy and thats no way to spend your life

Your H thinks more of the dog than he does of you Slundle.

@AttilaTheMeerkat No, I'm not taking my cousin's advice. I still love her but I've realised her advice, while well-intentioned, isn't always good. She's emotionally invested in me. She is still a therapist and is well respected in her place of work. I think, when she's dealing with me she becomes less of a therapist and more of a concerned family member...I hadn't told her at the time how H had been behaving. I think she just thought there were some incompatibility issues. For some odd reason, I've been wanting to protect him. I've always wanted to paint him in a positive light.

Slundle

Her counsel towards you was appalling and was rightly condemned by others on this thread. Thank the stars you are not taking her advice; you are right in that she is over invested. Many family and friends can be so and therefore this is also why an open forum like MN is helpful because you can get a range of views from people who do not know you.

Abuse like you describe too also thrives on secrecy so it is of no real surprise that you have wanted to and still protect him. I suppose too you've also done that so it does not reflect badly on you as a person either. I maintain that your childhood experiences at the hands of your parents also led you straight to this man, they also set you up well and proper to accept abusive treatment from a relationship. They failed you abjectly and now your so called husband is failing you too. He is not worthy to clean your shoes.

Hilariously, I think he has more empathy for the dog than me

Not hilarious at all, very sad, but you know that, otherwise you would not try to deflect with the idea it was funny. You know what else, I think if he did treat the dog the way he treats you, you would take the dog and leave. You too think more of the dog than yourself.

I think Keeping seeing counsellor should be top of the list.
Speaking to someone in RL is also good. If you say you are honest and open, it surely puts a distance between you and your friends that you cannot be open and honest about this.

And yes, of course H is being nice - he is dying to know what is being said in therapy about him, hence him bringing up your comments about abuse, making himself all the victim. He is hoping you will drop your guard and open up about what is being discussed - plus, it is only a matter of time before you feel the ground shift and you have got Mr Grumpy back and then Mr All Out Temper. I would like this not to be true for your sake.

Slundle, don;t confide in his sister, believe me it will complicate matters. She will probably feel that she must talk to him which will probably anger him and cause esentment, and you run the risk of other family members getting involved and putting their collective oars in.
When you finally split you can tell her why but I think for the moment don't upset the applecart any more than you need to for your own sanity.

Agree with PP do NOT tell his sister. She may be aware of some of the issues but it will open a can of worms. Tell a trusted friend instead.
I'm following your thread with interest and wishing you well.

Hi Slundle - you are not putting your feelings first. I am like you - I felt very sad at the thought of ending my marriage - my ex hit me - not a battering (I’m not minimising) it was a grab of the hand; grabbed my hair - it happened about once a year - he was emotionally abusive too.
He actually first hit me when I was pregnant (tends to be common);
.Ive read your thread and I see you said if he’d hit you you would leave - given what you’ve written I think you would find it hard too. I’m not criticising you. It took me 18 months to call the police - I read the threads on here - realised it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t responsible for him - I called women’s aid - got independent therapy and told my GP. It can be a slow process.
Re your Father - mine was very cruel and emotionally and physically abusive - it’s interesting as when I met my ex I thought he was the total opposite of my father - he was thoughtful funny and very affectionate - and he went on to be like my father.
You keep reading and posting if it helps.
Look after yourself. You seem like a lovely thoughtful woman.