Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

you may think that's dramatic and 'that's not H' but that little jump in your gut as you worry what side of the bed he woke up on is abuse

You phrase that very well and I understand. I actually cried reading that because the other morning I blow-dried my hair in another room again while he slept in a different room and when I came in to the bedroom, I did get a sinking feeling in my stomach. I was wondering if he was going to get angry at me over it again. He didn't this time.

I know it's not on. I know it's not acceptable behaviour. He's gotten out of hand...I'm just so unbelievably angry at myself for putting up with this. This all happened years ago. He didn't wait until we got married to be an a**, although I suppose I thought he had improved but he hasn't. I know people have expressed frustration with me here but if only you knew how I feel inside and how disappointed in and angry at myself I am.

I'm not frustrated with you, Slundle. I think you're doing fine. You're working your way through it in your head. I think that when you go this time, you won't waver again, because you've thought it through so carefully.

I think you're being noble about the dog. Personally I might just take him, but I do understand why you think it's not right.

He is a mixed bag, he really is...

This is random, but I was reading an article last night - it was about the cycle of abuse, and why outsiders are bemused when victims stay. Basically the argument was that it is because they don't experience one coherent person, they experience one person in three distinct phases:

• so the abuser is nice, charming and pleasant - this is what draws her in, and the phase he returns to when he contrite about abuse and trying to win her back and make good again. The abuser can also present as a nice guy outside the home, be charming and thoughtful to others, so the victim knows that the abuser can actually be a nice person. So the first few times the abuser lashes out, the victim thinks that it is an anomaly or she must have done something to cause it (a view he reinforces because he does not want to believe he is an abuser, therefore it must be his wife's fault).

• then there is the phase where the abuser's needs are not being met, so he is narky and the pressure builds up. Here, the victim believes that if she alters her behaviour, it will stop her abuser lashing out, and he will return to Mr Nice. But at that point, she is treading on eggshells, trying to stop him becoming Mr Nasty. So, he is the person who is niggling, putting down, being grumpy, demanding unreasonable levels of domestic cleanliness, no moving in bed, all these unreasonable things. Not Mr Nice, but not Mr All Out Temper either.

• then there is the phase where he does lose his temper and lash out and be obviously abusive. These are the bits which make outsiders go 'why does she stay?' She stays because she has three separate husbands to try to reconcile (Mr Charmingly Nice, Mr Cranky-making-her tread on eggshells, and Mr All Out Abusive). And of course, after being Mr All Out Abusive, he returns to Mr Nice, because otherwise she would leave.

So the abuse relies on this lack of coherence, and the fact the victim is increasingly focused on surviving, or trying to get the abuser to be back to Mr Nice, and so she does not see that it is abuse (because he can be nice, and because maybe she did do something to deserve it).

The point of the article was to suggest that the victim write a diary, and be clear in her journal, which phase of the cycle she was writing about. This is supposed to help when the husband is behaving like a model husband in the nice phase, and she cannot recall the abusive aspects. The point is to recognise that all aspects (nice, nasty) of her husband always exist (the abuse is not an anomaly), and to be able to recognise that leaving might be the best course of action.

I have not read the most recent posts about the dog, I just came on to post this. I will come back and catch up on the thread later.

All good wishes

Oh, and by the way, don't be angry with yourself, what a waste of energy, and directed at the wrong person...

Although I recall that anger is part of the cycle of grief/change, so maybe looking at that cycle might also be helpful. I need to go out just now, so I will reflect on this thought and come back on it.

@Slundle anger can be good as a bracing emotion (that fires you up to take action) but if you want to be angry at someone, it's your husband. He's the one who has consciously used your relationship to break you down and make you into a person without will, confidence, fight and self esteem. He has closed four walls around you so you feel trapped.

Anger can be a motivator to get away from him but anger at yourself will lot hurt you. Can you try to forgive yourself, even just for a few seconds?

Abusers know what they're doing, if they didn't, they'd would be no victims in the world. Victims who think they are with honest, genuine, good people like themselves

The sad truth is that if you didn't exist, H would be doing this to another woman. He would pick and choose his target. In a way it could make it easier to leave - you are so easily replaceable to this man because he only wants you for what he can take - your spirit, your mood, your peace of mind is what he feeds on like a piranha. He gets energy and strength from treating you so badly to make himself feel good

I really hope you can start turning your mental shift into tiny little actions that will add up and you can leave

I wrote my first post about three weeks ago and in that time, I am amazed at what has happened, to be honest. I think I was enmeshed in the Cycle of Abuse and definitely the blaming myself part. In many ways, I'm still there...my head is ready to explode with all that's going on in it. So much so, that I feel like writing 'but sometimes it really is my fault.'

The Cycle of Abuse is our relationship through and through...even though H refuses to accept that now. In a way, once I showed him the Cycle of Abuse, our relationship changed forever. I mean, it breaks my heart that I showed my husband the cycle of abuse and not in anger, not in contempt but in an attempt to actually fix this marriage! The bar is low all right...meanwhile, I've ordered Thank You Cards for our wedding..

I have to go now but I appreciate all of your posts.

KataraJean, everything you wrote makes complete sense. That's exactly how it is. I had often thought I was dealing with verbal abuse but it wasn't until I posted on MN that I came to grips with the particulars of what was happening. I really was convinced that I was just an awkward, difficult, needy person to be in a relationship with. I'm still not overly confident with how I could be in a relationship but there's a glimmer of hope in there somewhere...

Thanks to all of you.

I would not write what kind of dog it is, because that is not what the thread is about. It is a bit like not saying the true ages or hair colours of your DC, when you don’t want your ex to stumble across you posting about him. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your DC. The thread is anonymous for a reason, and I would advise any poster to keep it that way.

The husband may well recognise himself on here, but others in Slundle’s friendship circle are unlikely to.

Allnames, I wasn't going to respond to this but if you're getting a funny feeling, you don't need to post here. Everything I've written here is from my experience. If you're asking questions about my dog's breed as some kind of test, that's really not in any way helpful. My therapist said and I quote 'stop reading self help books. You know enough. Lack of knowledge is not your problem.' Thanks for mentioning that I've higher than average intelligence even if you were implying something less than nice by that! I am considered intelligent but unfortunately that doesn't mean I have high self-confidence or high self-esteem.

You seem to be implying some pretty unsavoury things about me. I have been more honest and open on this thread and it has been a huge support to me. If you don't like anything I write, then that's okay and please don't feel obliged but please don't imply things about me out of some kind of unfounded suspicion. It's hurtful and unhelpful.

I didn't want to even mention the dog because I was afraid it would make it clear who I am. Anyone who knows me knows how large a part the dog plays in our relationship. So there, it's written now and even that feels like too much to write. The last thing I'm going to do is discuss the dog's breed etc. to make it even more obvious who I am.

Anyhow, your posts sadden me..they sadden me because I consider myself honest and with integrity. I rarely lie. They also sadden me that there is that much suspicion in the world. Anyhow, I have to go. I wasn't going to write back but I had to get that off my chest. Please don't engage on this thread if you don't want to because I am in a genuinely difficult situation and I need genuine support and advice.

I like the sound of your therapist.

I am somewhat alarmed by this thing you said:
I'm trying to figure out why I have set the bar low and trying to ensure I don't do this again. I'm starting to realise just how low my self-esteem and self-confidence area and I really need to work on this. I plan on asking the therapist for direct advice about this as it's an enormous problem for me.

When your house is on fire you don't pop downstairs to make an appointment with an architect about how to build your dream house. You get out of the burning building. You take only what is irreplaceable with you. Plus your purse and phone. You call the fire brigade. You don't stop to peruse homes magazines.

Ask the therapist directly how you get out of this horrible relationship. That's your urgent house on fire problem.

I suppose it is..the therapist seems much more focused on me than on the relationship though...he said we could spend all our time discussing H but really what we need to do is figure out what I need etc. I suppose a combination of the two is required. I suppose, given how conflicted I can be with the three versions of H, I'm still finding it hard to accept that getting out is exactly what I need to do. Of course, it's because the wedding was so recent. I mean, I thought of sending Thank You cards because that's important and my sister urged me to do that...obviously, I'd rather have thanked people for their generosity before announcing my impending divorce...I'm hoping if I do leave that we can keep it somewhat quiet for a while...oh we'll see...

Give the cards to your DH and tell him to write them. If anyone queries lack of them tell them it was his job.

the therapist seems much more focused on me than on the relationship though...

That's the point ..... you have to know and decide what you want, what you'll put up with (we all compromise somewhere) what make you happy, what you want to achieve ......

You can't change you're DH and only you and make your life work for you

Was going to say what GreenTulips said.

Biderman's chart of coercion: 2. Monopolisation of perception - Blames victim for the abuse, often reinforced by social and familial response. Victims become focused on how they “caused” the abuse and their own weaknesses.

Why would a good therapist go down that rabbit hole with you? Their job is to help you out of it.

I have a therapist who is trained in domestic abuse (she is through a DA charity, which I won't name as potentially outing). Her response is very regularly 'and what are the implications of (whatever I am saying to do with xh) for you?' Because I am her focus, not xH.

The more distance I get from the eye of the storm, the survival mode, the more I can see that it is only partly about understanding how the abuse worked, but also about making me strong enough and well enough to assert boundaries. Your therapist should be working to empower you to make the decisions which are right for you.

A bit of empowerment would be great!

It is good all right because I all too easily focus on H and psycho-analysing him almost instead of looking seriously at my own situation.

A friend told me once that I am a very patient person & she said she thinks I forgive too easily...my patience is wearing thin now though. I won't get in to what happened when H got home but basically it's a work situation that he has let drag on and on, got annoyed with me whenever I warned him & now the very thing I warned him about has happened.

Slundle: I found your response to Allnames really interesting. The tone of that post was very different to usual. The reason I raise this point is that you defended yourself, with good reasoning, calmly but assertively. I know it's an anonymous forum but it shows you still have the spirit to do so. You've never sounded that way in your previous posts. I'm wondering what that might be about.

As for being angry with yourself. I totally get that. But look at how many of us are posting here. There's a huge amount of literature and research about abuse /control. You yourself have seen the Cycle. It's a well-documented "thing".

Lots of people get involved with things that are ultimately harmful: substance abuse, financial scams, cults. People are complicated, life is complicated, and the reasons why we do things are often multi layered and not known consciously to ourselves. Any anger you feel can be used as fuel, to take steps to regain control of your life. Don't waste it on self recrimination.

I don't wish to sound heartless, but your mental health and right to live outside of an abusive relationship are more important than a dog.

Slundle, the reason you are finding it hard to come to grips with the three parts of your H, the three personae, is that you are in survival mode and your attention is focused very squarely on H - trying to anticipate his moods, trying to gauge what way the wind is blowing, trying to brace yourself for the next assault on your sanity. No-one embroiled in all of that can spare a minute to assess her own needs.

The role of your therapist is to try to give you the safe space and a little time at every visit to focus on you, to work on figuring out your needs and saying them out loud. It can be incredibly hard to do that when you are spending the rest of your 24 hours daily in a warzone. But it's a lifeline for you.

I like the sound of the therapist. Hope you'll keep going to your sessions.

@nicenewdusters Thank you. I think the assertiveness came from feeling completely misread & almost feeling slandered. This is my life. Every word and it's devastating that anyone would think it's too crazy/outlandish etc to be real. In a way though, I know it shouldn't matter what others think but it always does.

I don't wish to sound heartless, but your mental health and right to live outside of an abusive relationship are more important than a dog.

As sad as this is, I suppose you're right..,

@mathanxiety Thank you. This line in particular struck a chord:

you are in survival mode and your attention is focused very squarely on H

That's how it feels. I had another session today and I got some good advice and space to talk. Even his reactions to things I have normalised is helping...I'd love to believe the future is bright...

You could psycho-analyse your H til the cows come home, but it would make your head spaghetti, and you would be no closer to understanding.

Although I wrote that, and actually it seems to me that it is very easy to understand- he behaves like he does because it suits him, and it works for him. The point is that his behaviour does not work for you.

When I was trying to unravel my own spaghetti head, I did a lot of meditation. One meditation teaching was about how you shift your focus. So you imagine the thing/person who is worrying you as a dark and stormy cloud. You are in the dark and stormy cloud and that is all you see. But then, you have to think that the dark and stormy cloud is part of a larger skyscrape, and zoom out from it, so you see the whole horizon, with the dark and stormy cloud only a dot on it.

A simpler version is to fix your gaze on a spot in the room. Look at that part of the room in detail. Then, shift your gaze to another part of the room. You can shift your focus, can’t you? You need to train your brain to shift focus to you, not H.

I do think keep a journal, as I said, note what is happening and how it fits with the cycle of abuse, but note also the insights you gain about yourself, the things you like doing, and how you are going to make space for them.

I believe what you say is real, because I have been there. I am educated to higher degree level, women in all walks of life can be abused. I am also honest and open. Looking back, I gave away a lot about myself in the early stages of my relationship with xH, and continued to do so, until I found things I had told him used against me. No doubt by being honest and open, you have unwittingly given your H the knowledge of what works as emotional leverage. Be way more guarded what you share with him, especially about your counselling and your growing self-esteem. Keep a journal, and keep it private.

skyscrape = skyscape