Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Thanks Allnames. I'll look up that book, even though my therapist said to stop reading self-help books. I agree that looking forward and not back is the key.

Sorry that happened with the ghosted. He doesn't sound like a good guy.

I left my husband when we came back from honeymoon, wish I had stayed gone! I was encouraged to go back to him, and did, he was very keen to have children immediately, and I was lucky enough to get pregnant easily, even though I was already 35, but now, after 15 years of unhappy married life, I am divorced, with three children. He does everything he can to screw my life up, he doesn't care how much it hurts the children, and he pays zero in child maintenance. Even so, the stress levels now are lower than during the marriage and at least I am no longer being raped, but I can't tell you how much I wish I had left and stayed gone that first time. Please, leave him! And please don't have a baby. My children suffer immensely from having a father like that, and however much I try to mitigate it - it's agonising to see I can't completely protect them. On another note, you went back to him because you felt lonely and he said he loves you - there is a very common issue with women who have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, the moments he is nice are emotionally intensified by the nastiness, it's like wearing tight shoes all day, taking them off is such a relief. When we leave someone, we are out of our familiar routines, it's challenging and disorienting, it takes time for someone who has been abused to find their feet and make new friends, and often abusers have charmed your social circle. I'd take some practical steps to get away (financial etc) very urgently, but once you do leave join the Freedom Programme, they are free, and you will meet a group of women who over the 12 weeks of the programme will be able to help and support you. Make sure you take up an evening class too, however nervous you feel, just stick your head in the air, and do it... Don't wallow but do grieve, make plans, and do little things, and congratulate yourself for every step you take... and expect it to take 3 months before you wake up one morning and feel, at last, happy to have freed yourself, that feeling will come and go - but as the months go by it will be more and more present.... It's worth it.... xxx

Highlandheath, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you had a rough run of it. I can understand your regret because I remember the very first time I broke up with H. We were only seeing each other a couple of months and it just didn't feel right. That was the beginning of the cycle of commitment and break-ups. I can understand why you went back to him though because you were newly married and no doubt, there must have been some trace of optimism there at the time. The main thing is, you did it. It doesn't matter now that it was later than you would have hoped.

Thanks for the encouragement. I feel nervous about doing so many things these days! I'm going to work on it. I'm back in the 'but he's being nice today' mode...but for how long...

Allnames, thanks for that. It's a good point..imagining success and positive outcomes can only be a good thing.

Someone once said to me that if a woman has a bookcase full of self-help books then she's probably in an abusive relationship.

Maybe your therapist is right. Stop thinking and start doing. You have to leave him. You know that.

It's like me reading 10 websites about running while eating a packet of biscuits instead of actually going out for a run. Fail!

Sometimes you need to have a word with yourself and just bloody well get on and do the difficult painful thing because that is the only way to get the future you want.

If you must read something try Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. Better to stop reading and just get started instead though.

Later in life you will look back and kick yourself for wasting so many months of your life procrastinating away the inevitable nasty divorce.

Later in life you will look back and kick yourself for wasting so many months of your life procrastinating away the inevitable nasty divorce.

This sentence really hammers out the painful reality...I can't believe where I'm at. Even when things are 'good' with H, we don't have a whole lot in common or even a whole to say to one another anymore...

Someone once said to me that if a woman has a bookcase full of self-help books then she's probably in an abusive relationship.
Unfortunately, this is probably true...a good friend of mine found the love of her life after years of awful relationships. She had read a serious amount of self-help books in those years. I haven't seen her read a single one since meeting him...

I know it might seem like I'm procrastinating but I suppose I don't want to 'quit' unless I really have to. When I got engaged, a colleague said to me, 'this is probably the biggest decision you'll ever make.' I wish I had leaned on that sentence because it definitely sent fear in to me...and here I am!

...I know it's awful to be thinking all of this but if myself and H were to divorce, do you think it's possible we could both keep what's ours? He'd have more to lose so I don't see him having a problem with this! Someone mentioned a settlement but I don't see myself going down that road. I'd be very happy to just keep what's mine and for him to keep what's his...we have spent a lot on certain things for the house we rent but I know he'd stay here. I'd be the one who'd have to find new accommodation. The only massive shared responsibility is we share a dog who I love with all my heart. The last time we broke up, he prevented me from seeing the dog and told me that I could only see her if I got back with him....those of you who have strong connections to pets will get this. I cannot begin to tell you how much I missed that dog and I know based on the dog's behaviour any time he did see me, that he missed me too..he let me see him a couple of times when he was really stuck for someone to mind him but mostly, I didn't get to see the dog who I'm inseparable from. Honestly, it was horrendous.

If it is a shared dog, can’t you take him with you?

is there any reason why you can't just leave taking the dog with you?
Give him a dose of his own medicine!

I love reading the beginning of threads and then the last page to see progress made in an op's life as the majority are so uplifting and positive, listening and learning from others' experiences.

I keep coming back to this thread hoping the op isn't so stubborn as to muck up her life for good. But it's clear the op prefers fantasy to reality and that is such a shame.

Makes you wonder whether some women actually prefer ruining their own lives in order to perpetuate the myth that they haven't made a mistake in a partner. A version of Sunken cost fallacy I suppose.

Would be great if you could ditch the fantasy op and actually bin the guy who you know in your heart of hearts is selfish, inconsiderate and doesn't have your best interests at heart.

I won't come back to this thread, don't worry as the op doesn't want progress but it's just frustrating as hell to watch a car crash of a life in motion.

Well, the dog was originally his...so, he got the dog without even consulting with me at the time actually! It was love at first sight though..even though I had never had a dog and didn't think I wanted one (which was why he got the dog without consulting with me first), I simply loved him from the word go. I put a lot of time and effort in to him too...

I would never take the dog. I really wouldn't. I do think it's both of our dog though. Someone once referred to the dog as mine and a friend of H's corrected them and said it was H's dog. That really hurt because I feel he's my dog too.

fluffyrobin, I actually felt a physical pain reading what you wrote. I'm working on building up my confidence and it might not seem it to you at the distance you're at but I actually have made some progress.

Does he have any trips coming up? If so then that would be an ideal time to pack your things & go - cut him out of the worry

While sorting accommodation for yourself if you can... it might take some time but surely you can find a room or even flat to yourself

I know these are big steps but you should think about the practicalities of moving... you might have to leave the dog but don't have to lose out on your things

I honestly wouldn't be able to stand another weekend with the man

Oh god. Imagine dividing up your future children's time between him and yours.

It doesn't matter how charming a person is. You should always judge a person how they cope in the bad times, when things aren't going their way.

Is he still a lovely, sensitive soul op? Or is he cruel, manipulative and rude?

Imagine his worse treatment of you every day with your DC watching. Listening and learning.

I have been married for 25 years now and the worst my DH has ever done is forget to bring me a cup of tea in bed.

Some women set the bar so low only leeches and cockroaches go over.

I honestly wouldn't be able to stand another weekend with the man

He is a mixed bag, he really is...a lot of the time he's pottering around the house or watching telly and doesn't bother me. Also, we have very different schedules so we're often home at different times...

I'm working on this situation as best I can.

^I have been married for 25 years now and the worst my DH has ever done is forget to bring me a cup of tea in bed.

Some women set the bar so low only leeches and cockroaches go over.^

I'm trying to figure out why I have set the bar low and trying to ensure I don't do this again. I'm starting to realise just how low my self-esteem and self-confidence area and I really need to work on this. I plan on asking the therapist for direct advice about this as it's an enormous problem for me.

*are

But it's not just when he's bothering you that's the problem... it's his abusive and controlling nature which has you tiptoeing, waiting, expecting another blow up and that's no way to live. The fear of him turning on you is quite literally domestic terrorism... you may think that's dramatic and 'that's not H' but that little jump in your gut as you worry what side of the bed he woke up on is abuse

Honestly, I will not be taking the dog. To be fair, he did get the dog. I do think the dog is much more attached to me than him because I'm generally more loving, patient and affectionate towards the dog! That said, H is at his nicest when he's with the dog. The dog very much brings us together...I think that's maybe why my cousin (wrongly) suggested that we have a baby and that it'd bring us closer together. I've no intention of doing that...I do understand how serious the situation is.

The truth is if I had met someone else decent during the three years we were apart, I never would have come back. Instead, I met lots of men but each with their own issues. Most wanted to use me as a therapist and one was an out-and-out narcissist. So, I have a lot to work on that 'setting the bar low' that fluffyrobin mentioned is the crux of it all.