Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

You are absolutely not too messed up to have another healthy relationship. Remember - you're not the one who's messed up, he is.

My abusive ex told me I'd never be able to look after a child - wrong.

That I'd never be able to go back to work - wrong.

That I'd never drive again - wrong.

He ended up a wreck begging me to come back. I stood there quietly repeating no until he slunk out the door. His life went to shit. Mine didn't.

When you think about "being alone" now it's in the fog of having been with him for 12 years. Also, you're not alone. You have family, friends, work colleagues. If you house/flat share you'll have other people around. If you pursue an interest you'll meet like minded people. A romantic/sexual relationship should only ever be one aspect of a person's life. And the one he's offering you is not worth having at any price.

OP when people talk about their homes they talk about it being a safe place where you go to relax and unwind, with people who make your life worth living. Who you look forward to seeing and spend time with.
He adds nothing to your life.

I do think marriage focuses the mind and you've woke up to the relisation that it isn't what you wanted.

We all have Ex's and think 'WTF was I thinking??'

You're not different to thousands of others who've done the same

Be happy

I have been thinking about you a lot. I think that there is little point trying to talk to your husband bout your marriage. Every time you do it just results in him getting cross and you feeling worse. Instead I think you need to do everything you can to work out how you could live alone and still feel safe. Maybe Womens Aid could help since you are trapped in a clear cycle of relationships with narcissistics. If they can’t hwlp they will have suggestions, after all they have to support women who definitely aren’t safe. I really think they would listen & advise you well.

If by some miracle it turns out that your marriage improves, at least you are making a conscious choice to stay, not because you can’t think of an alternative.

If the marriage is not salvageable, you have made really positive steps that enable you to leave and not go back.

It is funny, he says you are emotionally needy, but reading back what you say, it seems to have been him who went to pieces when you left, or so he told you. How much does he project his own feelings on to you?

One thing my therapist said about my ex, just because he says something does not make it true. How much has he reinforced your ideas that you will be lonely without him, directly or indirectly? Because your partner should build you up, help your confidence. For example, are you a sociable person? Do you like going out? Do you have things you do, just for you? What is your social circle outside him and mutual ‘friends’?

I don't have near enough going on I suppose. I work, meet up with one of three friends every 3 weeks or month max (one on one usually) & that's about it. I don't spend much time on hobbies or enrichment. These are all actions I could take to improve my happiness.

I spoke to him again tonight about the marriage because I was in a ball in bed & he could see I was in a state. This time, he turned on the sweetness. His terror at the thoughts of breaking up came through strongly. I hate the way he does that. The last time we broke up, a friend said in sympathy of him, 'he's a broken man.' I mean, I just can't handle the thoughts of him having the sympathy of his own circle and my circle again. I still get angry thinking back to that. Already he has me feeling sorry for him & he can be quite adorable! This has been permanently on my mind. Since I first posted here, the public mask has been slipping.

I just can't handle the thoughts of him having the sympathy of his own circle and my circle again

Because you cover up his bad behaviour and your friends think you're blissfully happy ...... speak .... stop hiding

The problem here is that the sweetness doesn't last/is in service of his needs. It's like a tap he can turn on and off at will and he chooses not to most of the time

You need to work on having your own circle. What are activities you can pick up or clubs you can join? Even if they seem silly & outlandish - dancing, Bridge, hillwalking - whatever potentially takes your fancy as 'wow let's try this once' and see how you go.

That behaviour you described is also abusive. This is who he is. This is how he keeps you in line.

Thanks ladies. I think a hobby is a great idea even though work leaves limited time/flexibility.

To be honest, I'm exhausted from thinking about this the whole time. I think I got through to him yesterday but he won't for a second admit that his behaviour is an issue. I got through to him because I truly hit rock bottom & my idea of a nice afternoon was me working my ass off. It's always my fault in his eyes for doing or saying the wrong thing...

I don't have the energy to do more right now. If saddens me to be in no man's land. I'm monitoring my marriage, not trying for a baby, not planning for the future...I just hope somehow he'll finally get it & we can make this work.

*It

"..I just hope somehow he'll finally get it & we can make this work".

Why do you think this, what is the mindset behind that?. Your own crap conditioning from childhood?.

How many more of your precious years and time you will not get back are you going to keep investing in him for no reward but abuse of you?. Please do not do that to yourself, this is the sunken costs fallacy and a bad investment is not going to suddenly turn good. You are worth more than he, he is really not worthy to clean your shoes.

Your hope sadly is a forlorn one. Hope keeps you trapped within this relationship and I think you've been trapped in it for the last 12 years. He does not care about you and likely never has either, this person only cares about his own self and needs being met.

P.S. by 'working my ass off,' I just mean making all the effort & conversation etc.

He is as happy as a clam when he has you on your knees emotionally and figuratively. He is that awful towards you. You will never get through to him because he actively feels entitled to act as he has done towards you. He sincerely believes that he has not done you any wrongs here. Like practically all abusive people the responsibility for their actions is not theirs, its always someone else's along the "you made me" mentality.

He won't get it. It is what he does. It suits him. It doesn't matter what led him to be this person. He is. A controller, an abuser , a misogynist. You have wasted 12 years on him already. Don't waste even 12 more months.

You think he might get it? Listen to yourself. He's so crap he hasn't noticed that you are unhappy. He's so crap he hasn't noticed that his behaviour is shit.

I mean, what if he suddenly had an epiphany and said "Gosh, being horrible to slundle is a bad thing. I see it now. I will now stop being horrible." You'd have to wonder about how stupid or devious a fucker he was previously.

Do you really think you can wail at his feet about how tired you are and he will have a total personality change?

He wants you to have a personality change into being a surrendered wife who stops whinging about being his emotional punchbag, just takes it then makes him a nice sandwich and feels sad for him for needing an emotional punchbag. You aren't willing to change your personality (quite rightly). Why do you think you have the right to demand that he changes personality?

You're waiting for a lightbulb moment that won't come. He can't acknowledge his behaviour and that won't change otherwise he'd be admitting he's a bad person. All it's going to do is worsen. Every time he'll treat you a little worse, pushing your boundaries even further. It will chip away at your confidence and before you know it a year will have passed, two then three.

Get yourself out now before that happens, before there are children in the mix which will make it ten times harder to leave and will mean you always have a tie to him. If you do it now you can have a clean break.

You are saying you have things you want to do before you leave. To build up your confidence and prepare yourself. Living with someone like this is so emotionally draining, it's practically impossible to work on yourself because you are so consumed with him and his feelings.

It shouldn't be this difficult, a healthy relationship prioritises both parties, should support one another/build each other up. Where are you in this? Your needs and wants because it sounds like as long as his needs are being met he couldn't give a toss if you're happy and well. Basic respect and kindness are the bare minimum you should be getting here. Please think carefully about your future and your next steps.

Not read the whole thread so I might have missed something but you didn’t say that your husband was abusive in your initial question. He sounds difficult, short tempered and lacking in relationship skills but you don’t suggest that he is actually abusive. Your main concern seems to be that the two of you don’t get on as well as you should be and there’s lots of fighting between you. I know a lot of people have suggested you leave and that a marriage shouldn’t be like this 2 months in. But...you have had a 12 year relationship with this man already, lived together and had several break ups so the whole honeymoon type marriage phase was never going to happen.

It’s your choice either leave him or stay in the relationship a bit longer and see how it goes. It sounds like your preference is the latter. If so I would suggest returning to joint counselling. People have assumed that the joint counsellor was manipulated by your husband. However it is equally possible that you also have some issues which the counsellor identified. We will never know as we do not know you. But I would find another couples counsellor and stick with it this time.

Scarlet1234 Have you read the thread? If you have how can you not recognise the abuse as so many others have? Or does he have to actually physically assault her?

@Scarlet1234
Counselling didn't work because he was very different in there tí in the home. I said that o didn't like the way he spoke to me but I didn't tell her how he punched the door repeatedly etc. I did tell her how he screamed at me in bed for moving. It was weird. Every counsellor I've been to has spoken of abuse (about 4 including the current one); yet the couples one didn't seem to think so ... or else she did & stayed quiet. The thing is H comes across sweet & almost innocent, adorable even ... so maybe she thought I was exaggerating when in fact she didn't know the half of it .., it does make me wonder though. She did untold damage because his line afterwards was 'see, she was on my side' so it drove us further apart ... I got the distinct impression that she likes him more than me. it doesn't necessarily matter what she thinks because I don't think she was a good therapist at all.

As for doing it again, H did it after serious persuasion. I had been wanting to do it for years and he refused. When we did it, he repeatedly got me to reschedule and it was exhausting ... if we go again, it could be a different experience with a better therapist. I told my current therapist about it and he just shook his grad and said 'no no no.' He said it shouldn't all centre on one person. She basically counselled him and I was like wallpaper in the background,

Also, I'm genuinely curious ... when is a person 'short tempered' which my H indisputably is and when is it abusive? Genuinely. I can't figure out if being shouted is actually abusive.

*head

Sorry about the typos

How often do you shout at him like he shouts at you?

Do you mind being shouted at?

Is that a boundary for you?

Does it matter of someone else wouldn't mind the shouting?

DH and I call each other horrific swears and find it funny. Other people would divorce us. We know our own boundaries. What are yours?

Four counsellors told you that you are in an abusive relationship. Is that not a clue as to whether it is abusive?