Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

The snub couple were at the wedding & H is very fond of them both.

That's true I suppose...I'm afraid, given our history, that it looks like I'm flighty or lacking in commitment. I don't have the strength to face all the nosey gossipers again. We'll see ... no predicting people's reactions.

You see you're back to thinking about other people!

Are you happy? No - change the situation

You get one life

OP what plans do you have? I mean things you want to do with your life places you want to visit things you want to see or learn about - skills you want to gain? Jobs you'd like to do?

You know you don't need a man to have a baby right? Think about adoption or fostering. Donors etc.

More than one way to skin a cat

Regarding future children - you know that you don't have to be in a relationship to have a child? It's possible to be a single mother by choice. Look up sperm donation. Without being harsh - but really hoping that you can understand that I am saying this for your sake - it may not be what you imagined your life or motherhood to be, but it sounds like it would be a better life for a child than being born into your current marriage. Think about it.

Thanks ... I have options, I suppose. Children might not be in my future. Who knows. I don't really know what'll happen next ... I'm not ready to give up on my marriage completely just yet.

Thanks for all of those questions, GreenTulips. It's good to widen my thinking outside of babies & my marriage. You know ... I was half thinking of trying to go on holidays alone this summer to get some headspace! (Don't know if it'd be in any way enjoyable though!).

Okay, if you are not yet quite ready to give up on your marriage, how do you think the issues might be resolved? Bearing in mind, the ten years (I think) experience you have of your husband.

'It looks like I'm flighty or lacking commitment'

You've spent 12 years with the man!!!

I know @KataraJean ... the only alternative to leaving is sorting this out & well, I don't know how to do that ...

I reached out to one of my sisters tonight. I told her everything & all the advice she gave were actions I've already taken. She even suggested an ultimatum, which I guess I've done without calling it that...

We are planning on spending the day together tomorrow ...

I think I go up and down with him with his moods...I've been unconsciously enabling him! I'm sad that everything I'm writing is true and my life!

@AsleepAllDay ha! Fair point! My sister also hammered home that I shouldn't give two s**ts what anyone else thinks! It's fighting talk that I need to take on board!

Good that you spoke to your sister and she said too that it does not matter what other people think.

Okay, that apart, so the alternative to leaving is sorting this out and you don’t know how to do it. Can I suggest that it is not that you don’t know? It is that you have tried everything you can think of, nothing has worked, because the problems do not lie with you? And even if they did, it takes two people to sort out a marriage.

So, if sorting it out is not possible, and you are not ready to leave, then the question is if you can reconcile yourself to everything you describe being your marriage and how you do that. I don’t think anyone here would want to answer that question, as it would be an act of self-harm. What would that bring you?

So that is

a) leave -but you are not ready to accept that the marriage is irredeemable
b) sort the marriage - you are not sure how to do that because nothing works
c) reconcile yourself to abusive marriage - why on earth would you do that?

Am I missing anything?

@KataraJean No, you're not missing anything ...

I'm disappointed this is where I'm at. H doesn't seem to get the gravity of the situation or that our marriage is on the line.

GreenTulips, you asked if I was happy and if not, to change the situation. I agree with that. The problem is, I wasn't happy alone either. That's why I really need to build up my self-esteem. My counsellor has pointed out that because I wasn't happy alone before doesn't mean I won't be happy if I'm alone again. I need to put supports in place and I need to sort out a good place to live. I need to be grounded and feel strong. If I'm not, I'll miss him and come right back. I'm not there yet.

Someone mentioned earlier, bibliomania I think it was, about putting emotions in to a box for a while. I know this marriage isn't where the happiness is at and I know in my heart it truly was a mistake to get married. I know the logical thing to do is move out and move on. Rent is at an all time high and if I move out, it'll be to live alone, so I have a bit of research and a bit of searching/saving to do before I could make that next step.

Your childhood experiences also led you into the arms of this man who also targeted you. He does not want you to leave because if you do (which you should) he would then have to put in the work to find another sap to take care of him. Such men like this really do hate women, all of them. There is nothing to sort out here with him because he is quite happy as he is. He cares not for your own happiness here.

He cares only for his own self. He does not care about you and never has; all this man wants is to boss someone about and have that someone look after him. You currently fit that bill. His actions towards you are based on power and control; he wants absolute over you.

...And also I'm not emotionally detached from him either. I went out with a narcissist (textbook case) after H. When I left him, it was with such clarity and such self-assurance. I would never even consider being with him again. With H, it's not so clear-cut because he's nicer and less selfish, even though I know I seem to get the brunt of his worst behaviour.

Saving money however takes time and that is something you really do not have the luxury of in the long run. The longer you stay with him, the harder it may be to actually extricate yourself from your abusive marriage also because of the barriers to leaving you keep putting up.

I also think it is only when you are completely out and free of him (so no going back this time) that you will come to realise just how abusive and dysfunctional your whole relationship has been with him.
That is when your recovery from all this will properly start and it may take years too, it will not until then.

So you basically went from the narcissist (who also targeted you) to yet another man who is different but is abusive all the same. This man you're with saw that within you and honed in on those insecurities of yours accordingly. You were targeted by your current H as well as the narcissist you dated. The rot here as well really started with your parents, particularly your dad.

I met the narcissist during the long break from H; so I had been with H for 8 years first ... my very first real boyfriend was actually a good guy and normal but sadly it didn't work out for various reasons! That break-up affected me no end...

The reality of this situation is tough! Even though he lost it with me on Friday (& I didn't deserve it, I know that), we're having an okay day today ... I know how I sound and thanks to you for trying to make me see sense...I'm considering confiding in a friend but I don't know if she'll be honest with me. I suppose this is all my own life & I need to figure out what's best to do.

''I also think it is only when you are completely out and free of him (so no going back this time) that you will come to realise just how abusive and dysfunctional your whole relationship has been with him.''

I think this is most likely true. During the long break, I lived with friends (who are a couple) and I was acutely aware of just how different their dynamic was & even though she has similar needs to mine, he was much kinder etc & prioritised her more. Then they moved on to their own home & I lived alone.

I know the true reason i'm here is my own anxiety and low self-esteem, which sound just like words but I was so anxious when I was living alone (when the couple moved on). I couldn't sleep. I was fearful people were breaking in etc. It really wasn't a bearable life. So H did seem 'safe' by comparison.

But I regret letting it all get to this...each decision I made got me to where I am now...not all moments are bad, not all days are bad but the waiting & wondering when the next outburst will be makes planning a future with him untenable.

Being brutal here. Don't know what your contraception arrangements are, but under no circumstances trust him with any of them. It is no accident that he is raising the possibility of DC now. At some level he will be aware that you are withdrawing a little. Once pregnant, and later with DC he will be more secure that you are trapped. As you are more likely to be. Pregnancy is also the point that coercive control can become violent. It may not but please don't assume he would never do that. Too many women can tell you otherwise, and some sadly are no longer here to do so.

I am not wanting to be overdramatic or frighten you, but if you don't leave, this is your future. Abuse, control (whether physically violent or not) and potentially DC in the toxic mix. He will not/cannot change. Look at WA/Freedom Programme, and Living with the Dominator videos online, you have nothing to lose by doing so.

Every day you invest in this relationship is a day wasted, and in fact is making it more difficult to leave not easier. People who care will support your decision, some may not, and to be brutal many, after the initial news simply wont be bothered one way or another. Only you can change your situation, and start to live and enjoy your life.

@MsPavlichenko

Thanks ... we just had, what could've been, a nice afternoon until it all turned sour at the end when I tried to bring up the 'issue' that is our marriage. In my optimism, I thought somehow we could discuss things ... but no! It honestly feels right now like he doesn't care about me, doesn't care if his shouting hurts me, doesn't care if dismissing all my concerns makes me feel insecure but boy does he start caring (& manipulating) the second I try to walk out th

...the door!

We were genuinely getting on fine until I ever so gently tried to bring our marriage up. How is that not important enough to be discussed!

We are in no danger of getting pregnant. I was tracking my cycle and we were 'trying' but there hasn't been any love-making since I posted here.

'MPeople who care will support your decision, some may not, and to be brutal many, after the initial news simply wont be bothered one way or another.''

Thanks. This actually made me feel a lot better!

I just also want to day thanks to everyone who has posted here so far & who is continuing to post. You are helping me get to the bottom of this and admit what's been going on. You're opening my eyes to the possibility of leaving and living my own life. Even though we don't know one another, you really are a terrific support.

I just hope that I'm not too messed up to ever have a healthy relationship. My colleagues, friends & even some family members would be quite surprised if they knew how much I put up with. I don't come across as a doormat. I don't know how this relationship marriage can be but it is.

*to say