Only two months married and miserable...

[Slundle]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

• Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
• Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
• Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

Yes perhaps ... massive blow-up just now. He came home, I handed him his dinner as promised, we spoke briefly before he flew off the handle when I looked for reassurance for a favour he wants me to do tomorrow (which he was meant to do with me but can't now due to accepting work)...

I really stood my ground, stayed calm and showed him I'm not afraid to say what I feel. He stormed off, I gave him a time out & then I came back and said 'do you not see so much of what you do is abusive?' He said angrily, 'how?' I gave examples and he said he didn't agree at all & why don't I go ahead and report him. He also said I need too much reassurance & that's the problem. That loving response a week ago or so ago where he agreed he was abusive when I showed him the Cycle of Abuse wasn't for real at all ...

Don't worry. I know it sounds like I'm poking the lion. I know what I'm doing & I'm not at physical risk at all.

It was a horrible fight. I know I'm posting here too much and I'm sorry because I know it's rotten reading. The awful thing is I feel sorry for him & I'm desperate to make up, pathetic as that sounds. He left the house. I held it together until he left.

What a have learnt from mumsnet ... you are not allowed to leave a marriage if the other person is happy ... you are meant to suck it up ...

Realistically... what are you wanting to do? You have one life... do you want to be miserable for the rest of it ...?

Slundle your posts have made me so sad. It's all too familiar as my exh was very similar.

One thing that really brought home how badly things were was when my sister said this. Love is actions not words. If someone is telling you they want to be with you or they can't go on without you but then don't follow it up with treating you with kindness or respect then it's meaningless. Just lip service to get you to stay.

You are worth more than this. Living a life walking on eggshells is no way to live. Now maybe the good periods make up for that but over time in my experience the good periods become less and less. Emotional abuse gets under your skin without you realising it. You may think you're keeping a close eye on it and protecting yourself but it can creep in and affect you. You shouldn't have to deal with this in any relationship. You are important and deserve love and respect.

You may have been only married a few months ago but how many more months are you going to stay in a relationship that you know is unhealthy. Don't put your life on pause, I found it very hard to believe but after the initial upset being single and having full control over my life was so freeing.
It was a huge learning curve and I entered my next relationship with eyes wide open knowing what I would and wouldn't accept.

At the end of the day when you're 80 and looking back on your life the only one you have to answer to is yourself. Your happiness is more important than what other people think. Anyone who cares about you would support you if they knew half what you were going through.
Please think about how you would feel if you found out this was your cousin who was dealing with this. Would you be thinking badly of her for ending her marriage so quickly or would you be helping her pack and just glad she had recognised she was in a bad situation and was strong enough to remove herself from it.
Please think carefully about leaving, once you have made the decision it really does get easier. Thinking of you

Oh, my dear . I came on here to ask if you had heard of the phrase DARVO. It stands for Deny Avoid Reverse-Victim and Offender. Hence, he denies your allegations of abuse, avoids discussion by storming out (like he avoided the hairdryer discussion by blaming you and then making light of it) and then makes himself out to be the victim (and you feel sorry for him).

Coercive control is indeed a crime now. But by challenging you to report him, he is essentially saying put up or shut up. The question is how to evidence coercive control when you are already struggling to believe this situation is indeed abuse.

I'm starting to see the light...that's so true about 'put up or shut up.' That kind of broke my heart that that's how he reacted.

The fact that there's an acronym and he fits the bill perfectly (DARVO) says a lot...I do think I need to leave, which is easy to say when I'm home alone bawling crying. This situation isn't the life I could be leading.

Somebody posted the link to Women's Aid on the first page.

I don't know what else to say right now; I know hard it is to leave and stay out. You say on one of the earlier pages of your thread 'I feel like I'm being worn down'. That is because you have been and are. You also say that he wants you to forget the past and move on from it (because by forgetting, you allow history to repeat itself).

And now I have remembered a poem a therapist gave me, which I will put here for you.

***

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.
I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in...it's a habit...but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down a different street.

(It is by Portia Nelson, I think);

You’re waiting for things to change before having children... they won’t!

You will end up waiting the rest of your life away.

At least by leaving him and starting afresh, you will have the opportunity to meet someone new, and start a family with someone that does really love and cherish you.

A family won’t happen whilst you stay married to this man!

Go!

Changes only happen when you change something!

you are so used to being trained to put him and his feelings so far in front of yours that you will sacrifice yourself to not upset or hurt him.

Ive just had to take my mother in law home. She is a sick old lady, a lovely woman, who is 81 years old. She has a progressive degenerative disease. She has a husband like yours. She needed care. He found it a nusience. He didnt give it to her. She tried to make herself as small as possible so as not to upset or disturb him. He didnt feed her. He didnt give her water. She became so weak she couldnt move. He stood abvove her raging at how useless she was, a waste of space, while the help she had called on her emergency button , stood outside the door listening and unable to get in, because he locked the door.
She ended up in hospital. He looked after himself perfectly well in her absence. She found herself and she had support and she talked of standing up to him, seeing her friends, painting and singing again. She got back her strength and her fight. She ate and she slept and she was able to walk.
She went home on Monday with the number for the domestic abuse team in her bag. She has been home 5 days. Now she is back he thinks the kitchen implement has been fixed and should take over all chores. He resents the role reversal of her needing looking after. When he walked the dogs she called her sister in law in desperation. The honeymoon period is over and she is afraid again. He hasnt shouted. He is never violent. But he doesnt CARE. He thinks she is there to service him. He wants to wear her spirit down so she wont stand up, she wont leave. The pattern is easy to fall back into however good your plans.
He isnt violent. But he is everything your husband is

Good god Nettle that's heart breaking.

Slundle - you are not posting here too much. Please don't apologise, we are reading because we want to and because we want to help. You have such a kind heart that you are apologising to a group of anonymous people who are here because they want to be. The person who should be apologising to you has just stormed out of your home

Just because you're feeling something - guilty, sorry, wanting to reconcile - doesn't mean that's what you need to act on. Are you familiar with those experiments where animals are trained to react to stimuli to obtain food. That's what he's done, trained you to behave in certain ways to ensure he maintains control. Without the fear and control you wouldn't want to apologise to a man who's treating you so abominably.

Like a previous poster said, coercive control is now a criminal offence. That law was passed for a reason.

Thanks to you all ...

Nicenewdusters, thanks ...

Nettle, that's very sad. The part about not feeding her or giving her water is horrendous! The poor lady.

He came home. We talked a little about earlier but I was too tired. I actually cannot stay angry, even if I wanted to. We watched telly & somehow moved on...but the fog is lifting...I cannot be expected to be screamed at every time there's even a minor issue ... to say I regret getting back with him & dearly regret marrying him doesn't get close to how much I regret it (even though it kills me to write that).

Thanks for the poem KatataJean.

Yup I hear you Watermelon. I'd love to be trying for a baby but have been waiting for the relationship to improve ...

Thewreckofthehesperus thank you .. wise words which I must re read.

My own story - similar incidents
Got some incredible advice here
Ignored it at times thought we would be ok
Mother's Day he tried to kill me

Get out
You are not happy
How he treats you sends shivers down my spine
You sound like a caring. Sensitive person
You do not need this

I would not personally be getting anyone on either side of Slundle's family to read her posts, particularly his family. They are the ones who after all taught him how to abuse. The rotten apple that is her husband did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his own family of origin.

Slundle needs a safe outlet here and they would likely shut this off if they knew about it.

Sorry but not RTFT but this resonated.

I was in the same position as you. After an utterly shit first year, in which I researched divorce extensively in preparation, friends who had been married told me later that the first year was the worst. Shame they didn't tell me that when it was hell.

Sadly that year spelled the beginning of the end. Had I known how common it was, things may have been different.

I think my advice is to accept it's a big change for both of you and give it time. Reassess after a year and if it's still shit then move on.

I wrote about my lovely MIL to show it doesnt change. They are who they are. You need to go into a relationship loving the person as they are, not hoping they will have a lightbulb moment and change. Why should they? Their behaviour serves them well. They just dont care enough that it affects you. They MIGHT care if you leave. But thats not because they hurt you, its because they lost what they were getting out of it, they feel sorry for themselves.
All the time MIL was in hospital FIL was moaning about hard it was FOR HIM and moaning about how he needed to throw away her emergency alarm because of all the trouble FOR HIM.
There are nice men out there. But you need to be on your own to find them.
The loss you feel appears to be seated far deeper than the immediacy of losing your relationship. You may not wish to visit your childhood, but the answers lie there. It doesnt mean you need to DO anything about it, but acknowleding where the hole is allows you to fill it yourself and not look for damaged people, who are incapable of doing it, to fill the gap.
And 40 isnt too old for children at all. I had my son at 40 and at his school there are plenty of mums older than me.

Thanks for all of your posts.

I do understand where you're coming from PostcodeJack. I mean, I'd love to think this was a 'rough patch' & all will be well in a year's time. You've no way of knowing how things would have been if you stayed. They may have been worse. I'm sure you trusted your instincts at the time.

The last time we broke up, two of H's closest friends (a couple) ignored me when I passed them in the street. I said hello and they said nothing...I had gotten on great with them etc. She, in particular. That's just a tiny example of how it'd be if I left...only much worse now that we're married. While H doesn't have many close friends, he has masses of contacts everywhere around here. I couldn't go on living here if we broke up. So it'd involve leaving behind all I have worked towards too, which is a lot & it took a lot of time to get here. I love my job & colleagues. There's more at stake than my marriage. Some of my colleagues are distant relatives of H! The plot thickens!

My C highlighted the importance of finding exceptions to my problem thinking & I know that's important too.

H is also quite stressed about a family situation at the moment...crazy as it seems for a marriage, I may start keeping a diary of what's going on to gain some perspective.

You know not all people will be under his influence and they have minds of their own? Maybe he does bad mouth you - but it's their choice to listen.

You'll find out who your friends are and the rest don't matter

Your colleagues (even if some are relatives of your H) will know you, your character etc, and most likely be very supportive of you.

I promise you it will be a five minute wonder, gossip for 10, and you will find support from the most unlikely sources.
i made so many new friends within the first 6 months of leaving my EX h many of them through colleagues.
Don't think that the world will implode, if you split, you may be surprised, with you leaving so soon after marrying there may be the comment of " It must have been bad if she called it a day so soon"!

worry that it will break up at some point, if not today, in ten years time..or else I'll just lose myself more and more
That jumped out for me.
Because I’ve done that. Loosing myself so much that I had no idea who I was. Spending so much time and effort to save something that I couldnt save. To support him and help him. To think I was the one to blame. Always (being needy and demanding, being lazy, controlling, you name it)

Don’t go there. It’s not worth it. It’s so hard trying to find out who you are again. So hard to get your sense of direction as well as the feeling that actually you ARE worth it.