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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Only two months married and miserable...

753 replies

Slundle · 07/06/2018 16:58

I can't actually believe I'm writing this post but I feel like I have to be honest somewhere...

I got married two months ago to my longterm boyfriend. We're longterm but we broke up about four times over the course of 12 years. Every time we broke up, it was me who did the breaking up.

So, married life has been terrible. Quite simply, we are not getting along. I find my husband notoriously difficult to communicate with. Regardless of what the issue is, his way of dealing with it is to scoff and shout. It's gotten to the stage where I'm not sure if I even like him all that much. We get on fine when everything is perfect but we all know, life isn't perfect.

I know it'd be easy for one of you to write 'leave him' but it really isn't that simple. We had a long, tough break-up before. I felt so brave and empowered but I came crawling back to him because I genuinely felt so lonely and I knew he loved me. I suffered with loneliness and anxiety. It's not easy being single in a couples' world. He also used the line 'I want to take care of you.' I do wonder if I'm demanding in an emotional sense (I'm not materialistic but I can be needy and he has told me that. Unfortunately I agree).

We tried couples' counselling before we married and the counsellor did not work for us...when I went for individual counselling, they very much urged me to leave him. Yet in couples' counselling, with a different counsellor, it felt like she very much took his side and felt sorry for him that I had broken it off in the past. I know there shouldn't be sides in counselling but it really felt that way...each session was like her counselling him and I was more or less in the background...he has used that as ammunition against me.

Anyway, there's a lot of detail left out here but the reason I'm posting is I would really like to hear from people in similar situations:

  • Have any of you had a rocky start to marriage?
  • Have any of you managed to turn your marriage around?
  • Did any of you end a marriage where there was no-one else involved (I know it's common to leave someone for someone else but I'm just genuinely very unhappy).

Anyhow, thanks for reading. I really appreciate that. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I'm angry at myself for letting my life turn out this way. As far as my friends and family are concerned, I'm happy as Larry. If only they saw the daily arguing that goes on behind closed doors.

OP posts:
Slundle · 21/06/2018 17:31

@mathanxiety

That's true. Hope & amnesia!

OP posts:
WhiteVixen · 21/06/2018 17:57

So you can't even dry your hair without making him angry?! Sorry but that's actually ridiculous.

StormTreader · 21/06/2018 18:08

Its because she's doing things that aren't dancing attendance, begging to be told what she's done that's made him angry, that's why.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 21/06/2018 18:33

Not at all, Slundle. Link is here: bit.ly/2toZeBr. It may be triggering for some people (I talk a little bit about sexual abuse) so please don’t read it if you’d rather not, I won’t be offended!

Your story about your big meeting and the hairdryer reminded me of another anecdote about my ex... it was literally the day before we finally broke up. I had a job interview so I naturally dolled myself up, and that evening he had the cheek to complain that seeing me with makeup and nice blow-dried hair made him sad because it reminded him that I never made any effort ‘for him’ any more.

Of course he never wanted to go anywhere with me and would just sit around in his pants drinking beer and watching YouTube videos all night, but apparently I was a bad girlfriend because I should still have been getting tarted up for him even if we weren’t going anywhere Angry

That was the shittest job interview I’ve ever done but I somehow got the job anyway which made me feel like a total badass... I would have been so mad at myself if I’d missed out because of all his crap!

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 21/06/2018 18:51

I'd kind of love if the guard did slip sometime but it won't ... having said that, anytime or has come close, I just felt embarrassed & humiliated; so I probably wouldn't love it truth be told!

This made me wonder...

Why would you feel embarrassed? Do you feel (has he trained you to feel) that you are responsible for his behaviour? In control of his behaviour?

If you were in control, you wouldn't chose how he behaves and treats you. He'd be nice ALL the time, supportive, considerate.

But he's not, is he?

Therefore it's obvious you're not controlling him, or making him behave this way. He is. Therefore he is CHOOSING to treating you poorly.

You also said "he just won't see it" about something he wants that will affect you for the rest of your life. He sees it. He just doesn't care.

KataraJean · 21/06/2018 19:09

That is really totally transparent. Important meeting. How does he set you up for it? By making clear he is angry that you have had the audacity to dry your hair before you leave the house, in your own bedroomShock. I mean, how very dare you? Hmm

Sorry, but that is how it works. You say he does not stop you going out and doing stuff, if I recall correctly. But when you have something important to you, he makes his displeasure at you preparing for it clear. That is how control works. It is not him saying don’t get ready and go out, it is him undermining your confidence before you step out the door.

mathanxiety · 21/06/2018 22:53

He is just picking random stuff to use against you to make you feel small. Seeing you deflated and smarting at his words makes him feel big and important. Hair one day, shifting around in bed the next, breathing this way or that way - whatever. Don't assume he puts any thought into it. Abusers are bone lazy.

Basically, you are dealing with a playground bully whose emotional age is about 5. He has no empathy. He is a bottomless pit of rage and the need to hurt.

You will never change him. The only thing about this situation you can change is yourself.

He will find someone else to abuse a week after you leave. Let him go.

Allnames · 21/06/2018 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 01:48

Hi Slundle. The one thing I always vowed would emerge from my abusive relationship - that was so similar to yours - was that I would speak out about it in the future. Until the fog lifts you can't begin the process of leaving. I'm hoping that MN will be a multitude of tiny lights that help you begin to see through the fog.

I'm interested that you can you recognise the abusive nature of pp's relationships, and be kind and generous in acknowledging their courage to leave. Not once have you judged or questioned anybody for leaving. As regards yourself however, despite endless similarities, you are unable to acknowledge the extent of your own abusive relationship. You are also convinced that you will be judged and questioned by others - most importantly yourself. Can you see the disparity there?

As you are already learning, engaging in the process of counselling can be very painful and challenging. Examining a past that you know (at some level - often unconsciously) was in part unhealthy and damaging takes great courage. You have already mentioned that you don't want to think about issues relating to your mother and upbringing. From things you've mentioned you seem to have some insight as to why that path is too painful to go down. But would it be more painful than your life now?

You seem to look externally for evaluation. Other people's opinions of you, your opinion of how you make other people feel, these appear to be critical to your sense of self. Do you think this might be why you are afraid to be alone? All the time you are with others you can dampen down your own needs. You can concentrate on pleasing others, fixing others. If you're doing this you don't need to worry about meeting your own needs. Indeed, you can even try and forget that you even deserve to have your own needs met.

Can I ask if you think you are responsible for any of the following:

  • the choices and actions of your mother during your childhood;
  • the choices your husband has made for the last 12 years to ensure you don't leave him;
  • your husband's upbringing that may or may not have contributed towards him using coercive control in your relationship;
  • another adult's happiness and well-being.

The answer to all the above is no. Even if you don't believe me, take a leap of faith that I might be right. If I am, is there a chance that you could lay aside your feelings about other people's well-being and think instead of your own. Why would that be so bad, who said you couldn't?

As regards anecdotes. I can only echo what pp's have said. Coercive control is sneaky and bides it's time. It's a fist alright, but one that doesn't punch you in the face. Instead it chips away at your self image, your self-esteem. It tears holes in your confidence, but only gradually. You feel like you're making free choices, but it's a little voice telling you they don't seem to like something, so maybe best not to do that thing.

There's no shame in finding yourself in this situation. The shame lies with him. Just because you've invested some of your life with him you don't have to carry on. Remember when you made the choice to be with him - that person, you, still exists. When the time is right you can make the choice to leave - for you.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 02:11

Apologies for such a long post, but just wanted to add something about his criticising you for moving in bed at night. Control around sleeping and going to bed are classic.

On the first morning after we had moved in together, I awoke (not early) and turned, smiling and happy, to my partner. It was he who had been the driving force in getting somewhere together. He turned his head, looked coldly at me, and said "I don't like being woken up early" then turned away. And so it began. That happened over 20 years ago and it still makes me turn cold to think of it.

Over the years it became easier to go to bed at the same time. If I went later I apparently disturbed him, earlier I was leaving him on his own.

A pp said that abusers were bone lazy. They are. They're also utterly predictable, unimaginative and follow a script. Truly pathetic individuals. Like everybody else I should have left much earlier. But I did leave eventually, and the thought of my not having that life still fills me with joy.

JoanFrenulum · 22/06/2018 03:04

I married a man not as bad as yours but it was clear very fast we were not right for each other. It was miserable. But I was convinced I would never find someone else, that I would be alone in a couples' world, all that stuff.

Well, he moved out, and the first few months were pretty awful but by the end of the first year I could tell I was on track to feel better. I moved into a shared place with an acquaintance to save money (wasn't brilliant but it was bearable), I got masses of therapy, I learned to love myself.

Like you I felt shit about how it would look to my religious community and embarrassed to admit to my parents and I felt bad about the presents and I felt awkward around our mutual friends who thought he was a lovely guy and that I was being unfair, etc. "We're not right for each other and I need you to respect my decision" is a helpful phrase, repeat boringly and endlessly.

AsleepAllDay · 22/06/2018 03:22

He's annoyed and angry about HAIR DRYING? along with the moving around in bed, taking your plate away... this man is awful.

I empathise with what you say about missing him. You're treating him like your husband, partner, of course you're missing being in separate rooms. He's treating you like a resource, a toy, a maid, something that exists only in reference to him. He probably doesn't miss you at all, only what you can give him.

Can you write a pros and cons list? And for every pro, list how else you can get that pro from elsewhere. E.g. one pro is that he gives me lifts - I can take a minicab or uber. Pro is that we have sex - dick is a renewable resource and there are lots of men everywhere.

The trick is to demystify all the hopeful, quasi-positive bits you get from him and show that you can attain those on your own (from friends, lovers, a new community etc) without having to put up with a man who doesn't tolerate the sound of a hair dryer within your bedroom in your own home.

Allnames · 22/06/2018 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HazelBite · 22/06/2018 11:50

I have my fingers crossed that Slundle will have a lightbulb/ final straw moment at some stage in the future, realising that her life doesn't have to be like this, and then act.
I very much get the impression (this is not a criticism) that she is hoping against hope that the situation could be "fixed" understandable really so soon after the wedding.
Slundle, you do not miss :him" you are missing a loving and caring companion, which you assumed he would be, but know deep down you know its never going to happen. Its very easy to feel lonely within a relationship, and its easier to be on your own.
Slundle we are all willing you on, look after yourself Flowers

Slundle · 22/06/2018 16:43

@HazelBite I think you're right when you say that I'm holding out that the situation might be 'fixed.' I mean, it's all well and good saying, 'leave' but the reality is the vast majority of people won't know why and regardless of what anyone says, leaving a marriage after three months really don't look great! Isn't it awful that I've actually been thinking how it's great that time is passing and it's more time I can say I was married before leaving...messed up. Thanks for your kind words. I also agree that I'm quite simply craving love and companionship. I feel like I have so much love to give to a partner and a child. I really feel I could be a great wife and a great mother. I do...but I seem to have made bad decisions which are preventing either from happening.

OP posts:
Slundle · 22/06/2018 16:49

@AsleepAllDay I hear you...it's a good point. When I was single, the days that felt the worst were Fridays...if I was on an early shift, I'd be finishing up in work thinking I had no-one to go home to. It sucked.

So, Pros=companionship, some practical and physical support (I don't mean sex), the potential for lifelong commitment, better financial security, we share an animal who I love, the potential to be homeowners together Cons=his temper, feeling emotionally unsupported, feeling like I'm such an irritant to him so much of the time, stress and worry that it will break up at some point, if not today, in ten years time..or else I'll just lose myself more and more, no intellectual stimulation from him.

OP posts:
Slundle · 22/06/2018 16:50

@JoanFrenulum Thanks for sharing. That sounds like it was tough and good on you for getting through it...

OP posts:
Slundle · 22/06/2018 16:54

@nicenewdusters Yep, so much of what you say is so me and has been told to me by people who have known me well...I do look far too much for outside validation (which I suppose highlights how I feel about myself inside). I think, on some level, I do feel responsible for his happiness. At one point in the past, I broke up with him but I couldn't hold strong because I knew he wanted so badly to be with me. I remember saying to him on the phone, 'but you know I want something else.' I don't think he cared about that...I went back...I mean, when someone says, 'I can't go on without you,' it really is a hard thing to hear. I don't think I'd hear that now...he's still angry at me for the last break-up and it's like there's a cold wall between us now. We do have fun and can be affectionate from time to time but it was a mistake getting back together.

OP posts:
Slundle · 22/06/2018 16:56

@Thinkofawittynamelater Yes, I felt very embarrassed when he got just a little angry at me in front of friends. I suppose we live in a society where women are seen as nags etc. and I'm afraid that if he gets annoyed, it makes me looking annoying, if you catch my drift. Although, the last time it happened, a male friend of his said something, I reiterated the point and then he got angry at me when I said it...I think I literally hung my head!

OP posts:
Slundle · 22/06/2018 17:04

@lisasimpsonssaxophone @StormTreader @mathanxiety @KataraJean @Whitevixen and anyone else who's reading or has been kind enough to post...sorry, i'll stop writing messages to @ someone. Once I started, I felt I couldn't stop and then realised there are just too many Slundle posts!

Thanks very much to you all. I read your article lisasimpsonsaxophone. Well done to you. I could certainly relate to some of it. I couldn't believe you had to get up early to iron his shirts. You're definitely much better off without him...

Upon the C's advice, I spoke to H last night about the hair-drying yesterday morning. He twisted it to make it seem like my fault, which I pointed out to him. He then laughed and was all adorable. I literally cannot stay mad and ended up laughing too...but it wasn't funny when I took off to work feeling like s**t yesterday. I know that but anyhow...

I feel better in general since I first posted here because it's giving me a forum for reflection and also allowing me to be 'real' about my life somewhere. Just today, I met yet another person who hasn't seen me since I got married. 'How's married life?' she asked. 'Blissful?' she questioned with a beaming smile on her face....

I'd love to know how people in normal relationships felt when they got married. Is this 'blissful' malarkey even possible??

Thanks again for your responses. It really does help a lot and between this and counselling, I feel like I'm taking less s**t and coming to terms with what has been a long-term unhealthy situation.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 17:18

I get that it's hard to hear somebody say that they can't go on without you. He knows how hard it is to hear that - that's why he said it.

The truth is he can and will go on without you. As others have said, if he truly loved and cherished you in an emotionally healthy way, he would not be behaving as he does towards you. He wouldn't want to, because he would want you to be happy. Instead, you're crying in the shower to muffle the sound so that he won't be what? Upset? Cross? Annoyed?

Again, you're subjugating your own very real and acceptable needs to his. Why do his needs come before yours?

As to what other people think. What have been your thoughts when you learnt that other couples have parted. Would you have felt bad if you realised that other people stayed in bad relationships incase you disapproved of them. The only person who has to know why it doesn't work for you is you. You'll be a week's worth of gossip, then replaced by the next "event". People really are mainly only concerned with themselves on a day to day basis.

Knowing your own truth and your own worth are priceless. You said in your reply to me that you had made a mistake. That's fine, we all make them if we're human and take risks. I've made a bucket load, but I've learnt not to beat myself up over them, but to be gentle with myself and accept that life can be hard and confusing. We tell children all the time that they'll learn from mistakes, that it's ok to make them. Same goes for adults.

Churches, institutions, cultures, traditions, they're very good at keeping people in line. Men like your husband rely on your fear of displeasing these groups, hence your concern about what people may think if you leave him. But you're living your life, not these people, and you can decide what's right for you.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 17:29

you're definitely much better off without him Could that also be you? Or can you still not see that his behaviour is on a par with Lisa's ?

he twisted it to make it seem like my fault And that right there is why you cannot "fix" this situation. Your cousin thinks you just need to have a chat, iron some things out. You could maybe do that with a normal man, but not with a man who is abusing you. He is choosing to do what he does, and now that you're getting out of your box and questioning him, it will ALWAYS be your fault.

No conversation you have with him will result in an epiphany, where he completely changes his behaviour and you live happily ever after. You are having the lightbulb moments, he has always known what he's doing.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 17:31

I meant of course Lisa's ex partner's behaviour - not hers!

Gruffalina72 · 22/06/2018 18:21

Good grief, a counsellor trained in coercive control would not be telling you to confront him. How incredibly irresponsible. As so ably demonstrated doing so just gave him the opportunity to manipulate you and screw with your head.

His response was textbook abuser. Right down to turning lovable at the end so you didn't feel able to stand your ground. That's not sweetness or whatever you've labelled it as. Abusing your spouse isn't lovable, even if your chosen tactic of the moment is false charm.

Did you look at any of the videos linked to up thread?

Turning on the charm is just as much pure abusive behaviour as his manufactured rage. It is about controlling you and manipulating you. The huge weight of guilt you're carrying has been largely created by his abuse.

Him curling up into the foetal position... Abusive tactic. He abused you in that situation by manipulating you into feeling guilty and responsible and unable to leave. Ergo he retained control - which is what abuse is, the pursuit of total control of you. Sometimes that is gained by nasty words and threatening behaviour, sometimes that is gained by being loved by your entire community and telling you it's your fault he's not like that with you, sometimes it is gained by crying and pleading or suddenly becoming charming and affable.

It's not locking you in a basement to stop you working, it's undermining you with manufactured rage on your way to work. It's not locking you in the house to prevent you seeing friends, it's telling you your friends are using you or coming up with his own plans when you're meant to see them or being so unpleasant you dare not invite them round. Or telling you after they visit how embarrassed he was to have them there when you can't keep the house clean and tidy.

You really need to keep reminding yourself that abuse in this context is more complex than the other definition of abuse used to merely mean insulting someone. That is not what anyone here referring to abuse means. And to do that you need to stop clutching at any excuse to label him "not that bad" or "not the worse abuser in the entire history of the human race and therefore not abusive".

In the months leading up to me leaving, things at home were very "calm". I was as obedient as I could possibly be to stop him kicking off because I was afraid I would not be able to leave otherwise. By the time I left I didn't feel like a person anymore. Those "quiet" months were probably more soul destroying than the rage filled ones that preceded them.

He didn't need to fly into rages, because I was scared to do anything he didn't like or permit or that might possibly set him off. The threat of rage was enough to keep me in line.

The "calmer" things are with a coercive controller, the more severe the abuse is.

If it was solely about the patently obvious things like black eyes then abuse would be easy to identify, easy to stop, and nobody would ever be abused.

And besides, even the men who beat their wives have moments when they're "loving" and "wonderful". It doesn't make the abuse acceptable or something that should be tolerated. Any abuse is too much abuse. It doesn't matter what goes along side it.

You can be fit and healthy and still get cancer. The fact you're otherwise fit and healthy does not mean you ignore the cancer or try to peacefully coexist with it.

Life is not that simplistic.

nicenewdusters · 22/06/2018 19:27

Totally agree Gruffalina . If being abused was being locked in a basement I doubt I'd have stayed with my abuser as long. It's the subtleties that create the basement. It's chilling from the outside once you can see it. I think you're starting to see it Slundle .

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